Will I Ever Learn

I had to put my foot down again and set boundaries. Mike was taking advantage of me. Even though we had a conversation about his drug use and pulling us into it, it didn't matter.  When the second iPad went missing I knew I had to set my foot down. And so today I told him that there was no more of anything until he was in treatment. I'm sure he doesn't believe me. I really have to mean it because I have two little people who need my energy more than he does.
What amazes me is how often I fall back into my role of enabler. He's my child and I always want to believe the best and I always want to help him. I hate feeling like I can't. I hate having to set these boundaries, but my helping really isn't. And so it goes....on and on and on.

Survived It

It wasn't a 40 hour week after all. Probably about 35. Still going to be a nice paycheck. And while the house fell part, the littles and I got in four walks this week. On one of those walks we discovered a snail. We took a few minutes and explored it. They were fascinated with its house. We met lots of dogs and Audrie caught lots of cats. A different walk every day.

So Busy

We are so busy at work. We are in gear up mode for fall quarter. Pallets keep coming. Now web orders are going out. With Jacob gone we are just pushing on and trying to get it all done. I'm watching my house fall apart again this week, although I did finally get my sidewalk cleaned back up. The saving grace inside is that we are gone so much of the day. Another month and it will be over again. Work is always cyclic like that.

Friends

So George said we could be friends and I said great. He's not looking for a girlfriend or a wife. I'm not looking for a husband or a boyfriend. And we are still talking. He's a hard man to read and get to know. I'm easy to read, but not many know me. So we shall see. And friends is great, it really is.

A Throwback

I've been letting Audrie ride her bike on our walks.  Makes the walk go faster and Nana gets better exercise that way.  Anyway she will be riding along and then all of a sudden wave.  She has done this multiple times.  Me, I always look to see who she is waving at and I don't see anyone.  OMG my dad used to do that in the truck.  Driving along and he would just wave at nobody in a field.  Now when I asked him he would say he was waving at the man on the tractor or whatever.....there never was anyone.  I finally asked Audrie because I was feeling like Dad had reincarnated in her.  She waves at houses. Those I see.  Funny girl.

Connor Night

Audrie is camping with Papa, so it is just Nana and Connor. We met up with Grammy for dinner at El Rancho Viejo. Connor likes his guacamole. We ran a couple of errands and then went for a walk. Kind of different just the two of us. We did almost two miles in record time. Then we visited with the neighbors before retiring for the evening. A nice night for me and my little man.

Counting Down and a Surprise

The paperwork was filed on the 21st. So the countdown began. Only 87 more days.

After my dream of George I decided to try friending him again on facebook. I had tried one other time and it went ignored. Well a day later he messaged me. So we are talking slowly via facebook. Tonight I took the initiative and told him what I felt. So the ball is in his court and we will see if he wants to see if there is a possibility of anything there.

Audrie's Song

Audrie sings in the car. She likes " Old Macdonald" a lot. Lately she has been making up her own verses. Her newest one is; old Macdonald had a farm eieio, and on his farm he had a Taylor, eieio. With a talk talk here and a talk talk there. Too funny. Taylor is one of our neighbor teens and I guess she thinks he talks a lot.

Weekend

Whew, what a week. Worked hard at my paycheck job. Didn't work hard at home and it is going to take the weekend playing catch up. Mike spent a good portion of the week here, eating and sleeping it off. He makes as big of a mess as the littles. Then when he was ready to leave he caused chaos. First annoying me trying to get money. Then he couldn't immediately find Audrie so he got everyone looking for her. She was at Lily's house. Now granted she needs to let us know where she is, but Mike blew it out of proportion because he needed to leave and needed her found N O W. Within a minute of not finding her he had called Papa to tell him Audrie was missing. So then Papa was all riled as well and she was home before Papa even got here. Poor Audrie certainly didn't understand what the fuss was about.
Now it has quieted down. Mike has left. We are back to our usual routine. Kids played on the playground until bedtime. And I'm breathing again.

Working

This week is getting away from me.  We are so busy at work and there are only the four of us and Liz.  And yet we have processed ten pallets this week and a few other po.s. I'm working eight hour days through the rest of the month and I am getting tired.
We've been eating fresh vegetables from every where.  Dave, the neighbor, the farmers market.  We are almost vegetarians this week.  Connor is so enjoying corn on the cob.

Still

Anthony wanted us to go for a bike ride/stroll/walk so he could scooter with us. So we did almost two miles. I ended up with the scooter and Anthony pushed Connor in the stroller. Both boys got a kick out of it. Audrie rode her bike the whole way, but started stopping when we got near the end. I think her legs were getting tired. It was a nice amusing walk.

And Again

All the paperwork is now signed and returned o my attorney. Mike was at Dave's so I got his signatures on the modification of custody papers. Now the paperwork gets filed probably on Monday and then we wait the 90 days. Moving forward.

Still Walking

The littles and I decided it was another great night for a walk, stroll, and bike ride. Tristyn came with on her scooter. We probably only did a mile, but Audrie rode her bike the whole way. She was actually watching for cars. We met up with Taylor, one of the neighbor teens. He walked a good ways with us, showing us some of his parkouring moves. It was pretty amazing how he leapt/climbed a six foot high brick post in two seconds. We stopped at the little park and the girls played on the swings for awhile. They had a great time. Audrie was asleep before ten for the first time in ages.

Pallets

So today I got to box up another 400 pounds of books. Then I got to palletize three pallets and wrap them plus the one still needing wrapping from yesterdy. Oy. So much fun for a peron who suffers from motion sickness, but I got it done. Looking at the six pallets going out showed I did five of them. The good news is returns are done and those pallets get picked up tomorrow.
I spent the rest of the day helping get caught back up on receiving. We made great strides and will be ready for the book pallets for fall to start arriving tomorrow. Whew. I'm going over in hours this month. My paycheck likes that. :)

Signed

Dave brought the paperwork over last night and signed it.  We still have to make the change on the decision making.  My hope was that we could just switch that page out and that may be the case.  Then Dave texts me last night that he wants to see it before it is filed.  Okay.  Then why bother signing and trying to get the switch done.  Anyway it is starting to come around.
He decided that he needed to change the car titles now.  So we signed those.  Now I need to get with Karen and get an IRA going so we can go to Chad and get the money moved also.  Time for it to make money for me, not Dave.

We are Good

So far we have collectively spent four days on book returns. That is pulling the books, removing all our tags, boxing them up and shipping them out. This week I have moved 2200 pounds of books and I boxed up 1000 pounds last Thursday. No wonder I'm tired. One more day and we will be done and on to the gear up for fall quarter. Book orders have went in so they should start arriving soon.

Hayden

Hayden lives upstairs and offered to babysit for me. He is a senior in high school and has done the pre-school class. I can't afford going rate for babysitters, but he said he would take whatever I wanted to pay. So here we are a few weeks later. Hayden had his maiden voyage.
The kids behaved and he fed them dinner. When I returned he helped haul in my groceries. And then he left with his money. Wow. I'm so happy. It worked out so nicely and he is so convenient. I told him I like to go grocery shopping every two weeks, and he was great with that.

Second Day at the Fair

We saw the horses practicing drills. Both kids got to pet Cisco. Neither one showed any fear. We did the cows, goats and sheep again. Had milkshakes and ice cream. Audrie only had time for one ride because she had a 45 minute meltdown upon our arrival. I was beginning to think we were having extremely expensive milkshakes and would have to leave. And then it was done and she was fine. I think we have these to test Nana's patience. And I was patient and I stuck to my decision of no pony ride because of it. For a smart girl she still thinks a temper tantrum is going to work and it never does.
Amazing that both kids stayed awake the whole ride home. It was an hour past Connor's bedtime. He went down with no fuss just like normal.

Bits and Bobs

I miss Jacob. Obviously I miss talking to him as we are good sounding boards for each other. But these past couple weeks show me how much I miss all the things he did for me that made my job easier. I learned how to change toner on the copier and the printer. The crazy price gun with an attitude is now my friend. Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. I am adjusting, but I sure miss him.
Cassie made it to Indiana safely. Said the long bus ride was horrible. I'm sure it was. Maybe she should have flew, but I'm sure it would have been too much money.
Dave is dry and I hope he continues to be so. I can use all the help I can get raising my two very busy children.  But I can't count on today being the same tomorrow or the day after. And while he thinks I should totally not be worried about the past, because the past is the past, I can't be.
Mom got another car. Pat took her and they kicked a few tires. She ended up with a Subaru Legacy.

Paperwork

The divorce paperwork is done.  Still waiting on the modification of custody.  I gave Dave the first part for him to read and hopefully sign.  Warned him that the parenting plan is pretty restrictive and that that is where the trust comes in.  If he is dry I allow all kinds of access.  If he relapses again I fall back to the restrictions.  Time will tell on all accounts.

Fair

Audrie got to experience fair rides for the first time.  She was tall enough to do a couple of rides by herself.  She had to have an adult on the caterpillar roller coaster and the carousel.  She did not understand that when the tickets are gone, the rides are done.  She had a blast though.
Connor mostly strolled with Uncle Pat.  Pat did do the roller coaster ride though since Nana can not do that one.
Mom wants to go so we may go again before it is over.  We didn't get to see the horses or the baby tiger awake.

Left

Well Cassie finally figured out how to get enough money for her bus fare and is on her way to Indiana.  Hope she has a good trip and finds some peace there.  Her kids will miss her, but that really isn't anything new.

George

I dreamed of George last night.  I probably dream about him a couple of times a year.  He never talks in my dreams so I must have forgotten what his voice sounds like.  I just know that in my dream he is comfort and safe.
George was my first love.  That stupid, ridiculous, awesome love.  However I knew even then the road he was going down and I didn't want to travel down that road.  I recently looked him up.  Looks like I was right.  There was some jail/prison time with drug fund fines.  He got married and I was so happy for him.  He got divorced and I was sad.  I hope he found recovery and good things and maybe he did. I like to think so
And look what I did not wanting to go down his road. Instead I married an alcoholic and raised a child who became an addict.  Guess I went down that road anyway.

Leaving?

Cassie just left on her way to the bus station.  She plans on going to Indiana to be with David.  Still not a done deal, but she seems to be working at it. She tried to explain to Audrie what she was doing.  Audrie could only ask if she could go with. Broke my heart.  Connor just gave kisses and cuddles.  And now the little man is asleep and it is time for Audrie to work that way.
Be safe Mommy.

UPDATE: She didn't leave yet. Didn't have enough money for the ticket.  Now we wait and see if she goes.

Saturday Afternoon With Mommy

Cassie invited us to come to the park so we did.  We got some food at the Farmer's Market while we were there.  We ate almost two pounds of cherries and had none left to take home.  There was a squirrel that was playing with the kids.  Got them to circle the tree many many times.  Both kids responded better to Mommy this time and I'm sure that made her feel better.  There was playground time, swing time, fountain time and sit in the grass time.  Audrie had a blast and Connor got to watch.
Later he figured out that if you caught the splint on the handles of the bike and then pulled.....the splint comes off.  So he got a bath and a rewrap with clean dry stuff.  Silly boy.

Stupid

I swear I must have it written on my forehead. I witnessed a drug deal about a week ago. I'm co-dependent and a great enabler and I know a drug deal when I see one. The folded up money exchanging hands with a handoff. I don't share this information with many, but I do ask my child about it. He confirmed with a tad more information.....like only pharmaceuticals move from this person.  Great.
Well then a couple of days later I am informed by my local drug dealer that he is not a drug dealer.  He then proceeds to tell me how much he misses living in the country where people aren't judgemental.  Excuse me?  Yeah.  It can be spun any way he wants.  And it was spun.
Then my child tries to tell me the exact same story I was told after witnessing the deal go down.  Guess he forgot he had already told me the truth.  Anyway......I am saddened.  But while I am here I will be neighborly and mind my own business unless that business overlaps my life.  Then all bets are off because I have my children to think of.

One of Those Days

It started off with the noise at the dumpster. Turns out some guy in a green truck was too lazy or cheap to haul his broken toilet to the dump. So us tenants here who pay our rent just paid for it. Totally makes me annoyed.
The day ended with Connor breaking his other arm riding his bike off Papa's deck. Oy. He has a buckle fracture of the ulna from using his hand to break the fall. It is a compression fracture where the bone buckles. Poor little man.
In between was a wonderful lunch with my lunch ladies and Fred. And then I took mom to get her groceries. She and Phoebe are good for awhile again.