I Love You Too

The hospice nurse was out again today to see Dave.  She thinks it is now going to go pretty fast although she admits it can be hard to tell.  But she thinks days.  Time will tell.  Boy was he cranky today.  Too much company.  Too much work to get up and move.  Too much pain even though he rarely will take pain meds for me.  But as I headed out to the pharmacy he said he loved me.  I said really?  And he said yes.
So before I left for the night I told him that I loved him too.  I have never said that I didn't.

Ouch

It's one of those days.  Nothing goes as planned.  And then to top it off I took a fall again.  That is getting old.  Audrie and I were taking things out to the car to go home and the car was parked in the yard.  I told her I wasn't going through the grass.  I wasn't wearing new Hello Kitty rubber boots like her.  Get to what I thought was the end of the flowerbed and turn in to the yard only to collide with the rock that is almost knee high.  Went over the top of it.  Damn.  I think I am going to end up with a windinger of a bruise out of that one.
On the next trip out to the car Audrie tells me to watch the rock and then says no come through the grass....it is better.  Guess she is right about that.

Thanksgiving

The day did not go as planned, but then my life rarely ever does. I was going to cook dinner at my house this year. Then Dave went home from the hospital AMA on Monday. He needed some one there full time. So the littles and I have been staying with him. Fast forward. Thanksgiving. Dinner needed to be cooked and Dave needs someone around so dinner was at Dave's. Tanya and the girls came over along with my mom and Pat.
Since my week didn't go as planned I was behind. Hospice came out in the morning to get that ball rolling. Dave is all signed up and was told to take his pain pills. He will be moving to morphine soon. His nurse used to work with my mom. Small world.
After that I finally got the bird in the oven. Felt like we were going to eat at midnight. Actually got it all done by 6:30 p.m.  And it was delicious. Dave even ate a bite of pumpkin pie.
Israel did make an appearance. It was so good to see him and I know Dave appreciated the effort. It was a holiday after all.
I'm not sure why Mike didn't call. I know he tried my house but I wasn't there. Guess I will find out when I talk to him next.
I'm glad the day turned out how it did and that we spent Dave's last Thanksgiving with him. Even if he did sleep most of it. He knew we all were there with him and for him.

Decisions, Obligations, Duty, Love

I am not obligated to take care of Dave.  What I do, I choose to do.  I am not holding the whole bag.  He is not my husband.  He has children.  Now granted our child is incarcerated and can't help much at all.  I do not feel a sense of duty here.  I care about Dave.  And I don't want him to not be cared for in his final days.  However, I need to take several steps back and let those who do have duty to do do that.
Now the subject has been broached of me living in his house.  The house we built.  And I love that house.  Every thing about it.  But living in it will not be as an owner, but as a renter.  There is no way I can afford to buy it outright.  That would be a $300k mortgage or so.  The plan as proposed would be for the estate to subsidize me living there until I move to my moms, to my rental house or until I reach the cap set on the subsidy.
I can stay where I am at, pay rent and not have the hassle of moving (although it really isn't much).  I can take Dave up on the offer and be there to take care of the pets and play in the yard.  But I have to wonder why Dave wants me there as a renter.  Haven't figured that one out yet.  So I'm in the decision making process and what it will take for me to accept the offer.

Given Time

Every day is a gift.  Always has been.  But sometimes we forget that in the grind of every day living.  The dishes are always needing to be washed, laundry done, house picked up, etc.  We go to work, we eat, we sleep.  And on it goes.
Dave's kidney's are shutting down and he was told he had two to five weeks left.  That was harsh.  Not unexpected, just quicker.  We all have mixed emotions on it.  Dave is sad.  He thought he would see the littles grow up.  I remember that feeling without an illness when Mike was young.
Dave gets to tell his mom and Doug.  I got Tanya and the rest of the family.  Doing the best I can.  I'm just glad that Dave doesn't have the attitude that Doug does about it all having to be secret and private.  He is fine with how I handle my end.  I have shared on facebook, here and in person.  I haven't went overboard anywhere.  And Dave knows that.
I know that Dave and I are divorced.  But he was my very best friend for a very long time.  And even divorced he is still a major part of my life.  For both of us life is going to end as we know it.  I'm going to miss that man.  The one who could talk to me for hours.  The one who loved me to the end of the earth.  Father of my child.  Co-parent with the littles.  We cooked, we gardened, we travelled and read.  We were good until the disease took control.  We are good now.  Funny how that works.

Calmness

Every night the littles and I go through this routine of what we would like to dream about.  Connor always picks Papa.  Audrie bounces between princesses and cats.  Every night they tell me I can dream about George.  One of them likes to give me George the cat and one likes me to have George the man.  I'm good with either.  As I have discovered for thirty some years is if I am stressed I dream of George and it has a calming quality to it.  It doesn't have anything to do with real life.  But my dream world seems to cross over and calm my real world and lowers my stress level.  I think.
This week I realized something new.  I am stressed and now I dream of John.  This week was walking on the sand heading to his boat.  And it was sunny and quiet and calming.  Oh.  All my dreams that include John are that way no matter what is happening.  He is also calming.
I totally understand how dreams of George are calming.  Not so sure on John.  John scares me on many levels in real life.  Not enough to stay away from him because I also trust him.  Discovered that when I rode with him to church.  I was completely at ease and I am not completely at ease with anyone else behind the wheel.  Anyway....glad I have safe places and people to dream about to keep me calm during the day.

Time

Zaysha is now doing an alternative program school.  So that opened her up to babysit once in awhile during the day.  So she came and made play doh today with the littles, while I went out for lunch with my friends. I hadn't seen them for many weeks and it was nice to be able to do it by myself.
After lunch I went to the hospital to see Dave.  He was much more awake and aware.  After his other company left we had our first real conversation in awhile.  I'm sure no littles present helped that along.  We also were entertained by his nurse who was stressing about Thanksgiving.  Turned out she was really stressing about her wedding on Monday.
It was a nice four hours by myself.  I know that the only time I'm going to get like that from here on out is when I hire a babysitter.  And so it goes.

Updates

So Dave is going to resign as trustee of the twins' trusts.  He agreed when I explained what was going to happen.  Now I just have to hear from the twins to find out who they want named at the bottom of the list. Jill, the attorney, made this suggestion as the best course of action and we are going to roll with it.
When I saw Dave today he was much more alert and awake.  We had a bit of a conversation with no distractions.  I had left the kids home with a babysitter.  When I got there Doug, Gayle and Bill were there.  So I got to pass on the message that the twins needed to call me.
Dave kind of thought it was funny that Doug got mad about me posting on facebook about him being sick.  He said he intended to make his own posting but just could never get to the computer.  I thought it was funny also....Doug did not realize that his own problem was showing.  Secrecy and trying to manipulate me through guilt.  I am co-dependent, but aware enough when someone is trying to work me.  And I'm not so co-dependent with him so it really doesn't work for him.
And sit down.......we are having family dinner Sunday at Mom's and I  invited Tanya.  We will see how it goes.

Reminder

So we have been talking about trusts and trustees.  And Betty reminded me that we should get Dave's passwords into some of his accounts so we have them.  We have been so in tuned to living day to day and getting Dave through that that we weren't thinking.  Good call Betty.
I know for a fact that someone needs to take a look at his bills.  I keep bringing in the mail and he keeps not opening it.  There is at least one bill sitting there that probably needs to be paid.
One day at a time.

Another Day

Dave got taken to the ER today.  The neighbor came over to check on him and thought he needed to go so she called.  His blood numbers are all out of whack again.  He wanted to go home and they told him no. The numbers are that messed up.  Also his kidneys are shutting down.  I am beginning to think he is giving up.

Nope Not Going to Happen

It took two days for it really sink in.  Dave filled out the checks from his brothers' trusts to be deposited into their savings accounts.  I will deposit those today.  While he was filling the checks out he comments about only having to do it one more time.  Huh?
I ask about that and he informs me he is turning it all over to his mother.  It took two days for that to roll around in my brain and then no, no, no, no.  It is not going to happen. There is paperwork in place that explains what happens when Dave can no longer fulfill his duties as trustee and no where in that paperwork does it say the money gets taken care of by Gayle. That's number one..  Two is no way should someone with no money sense take the money.  And three she will just give it to them willy nilly as they come up with "reasons" for her to do so.
So now I have to find the paperwork or make an appt. with Jill.  Because it is not being turned over to Gayle.  It will all be done legal like it always has been.  And because I don't have enough on my plate.....at least if it is me who is next in line (and I can't remember my place in the order) the work is already done.  I would just continue on as it is set up now with the twins getting their "allowance".

They Got Blood

So Dave didn't want to go get his blood draw yesterday and I readily accepted that since I needed to take the littles to urgent care for their pink eye.  So today we got ready and went.  The lady who got blood the last time they got blood was his phlebotomist today.  She managed to get what was needed.  When she wheeled him out though I got the distinct impression that she did not like him too much. She stopped him in front of us and said "he's done"  and then just said yes when I asked if she got blood.  After that I asked him if he had been rude and he said no he just tells it like it is.  So in other words....probably.  Maybe that was why she didn't try for his sample on Friday.  But dang if she can get his sample just do it.  Don't make it so we have to come back and come back.  That doesn't make anybody happy.
Now we are good on blood draws until Dec.  One more LVP in November and one dr. appt. in Dec.  Hoping for quiet, but not holding my breath.  Dave is getting more and more worn out and weaker.

Pink Eye

Oy.  Picked the kids up from daycare just to be told they have pink eye and can't come back until Wed. if they are on antibiotics or have a note from the dr. saying they don't have pink eye.  Well they have pink eye.  And neither one of them wants to let me put the drops in their eyes.  Fun.

Distractions

So I spent a couple of minutes distracted by all the goings on in my apartment complex.  Bianca and John and that whole mess.  Why Jill is driving the big old SUV instead of her bug.  Things that in the big scheme of life aren't all that important at least to me.
While I was distracted by all of that I had a few moments respite from thinking about Dave not taking his medication like he should.  Not eating like he should and not that I think he should eat a lot.  But come on.......living on milk and fruit bars is not good.  But he is a grown up and will do what he will do.  Betty brought him food.  I have brought him food. Doug has brought him food. And mostly he isn't eating it.

Machine Gun Preacher

Brenda had posted a thing on facebook about the Machine Gun Preacher coming to her church.  We had talked about the movie.  She and her family had watched it prior to him coming to her church.  I thought it would be interesting to go hear what the man had to say.
I'm not sure what I expected, but that wasn't totally it.  I knew it was church so there would be preaching. And the man is a preacher.  So here are my thoughts.  He is charismatic.  Puts on a good show.  Moves the people.  Does a lot of good work.  I had hoped for more information about his time in Africa and what he did there.  I understand he was testifying about his story and to solicit money for his projects.
Once I got home and had a little time to think about it.  He reminded me of my dad walking around up there on stage.  Not that my dad would ever preach. Couldn't put my finger on it right away and then of course it hit me.  He makes my brain click. Nope he's not an alcoholic.  Just a recovering drug addict.  And guess what......they make my brain click also.  Just charming.  And that is like my dad.
It was interesting and not a waste of my time.  Now maybe I will have to watch the movie or read one of his books.

OMFG

I cannot believe it.  So there is a preacher speaking tonight at my friend Brenda's church.  He built an orphanage in Africa and fought off  men trying to steal the children.  Very simplified.  So I told John about it in case he hadn't heard.  His dream is to one day be a missionary in Africa.  I decided I would like to hear the man speak and so invited John to go with.  He said Bianca might go too...well the more the merrier. But I had decided we could go in two cars since I have to take the kids and use the church child care.
Skip to today.  Bianca can't go because she is babysitting her nieces and nephews.  I was like wow John and I are going to have a conversation that is real.  Only happens when it is just the two of us.  Ha.  Bianca's daughter is now going with us. Yes folks we have a chaperon.  OMFG.  I can see why this man is so confused about his relationship with Bianca.

Blood Draw.....NOT

Dave needed a blood draw today to check some levels.  So after work I picked  him up and we picked up the littles.  Took him to Kaiser and we were there for an hour.  They could not get a vein and so after all that we have to go back on Monday.
At this point in time to take Dave to appt it is a major undertaking.  Totally wears him out.  Hopefully we have a break for a bit after we finally get a blood draw on Monday.
And I need to find better entertainment for the littles or a babysitter.

Nurse Call

So Dr. Willis's nurse called Dave to check on him and find out some specifics.  Like what meds he is actually taking.  I'm guessing Dave never emailed that information to the dr.  After a few minutes he handed me the phone and told me to talk to her.  It was just too hard for him.  I answered her questions as best I could.  And we come up with a couple of game plans to try and get him taking the meds that he really needs to.  I really liked the nurse.  It helped that she totally understood my side in this.  Guess I am now the caregiver, as if I didn't know that already.

Five Liters

I am still trying to wrap my head around it.  Five liters would be two two liter soda bottles plus half of another one.  That is how much fluid they drained out of Dave's abdomen this morning. That is a huge amount of fluid.
He said it made him feel slightly better.  I did notice that when we got back to his place he did walk into the house.  He had not walked out.  He has another LVP scheduled for two weeks out.  We'll see how he does with his water pills in the meantime.

Happy Birthday Micheal Gene

My son is a quarter of a century today.  Boy time has flown and in some ways been so slow.  He has had ups and downs.  And I'm sure there will be more.  Life is like that.
Mike is so smart, funny, charming, can be a hard worker and is still here. He is the father of two wonderful little people who adore him sometimes.
I wish I could give him everything he ever wanted for his birthday.  What I can give him is light and love.  I can hope for his future that he has more ups than downs and that someday all his efforts will work out to become a healthy person.
I love you my child.  Happy birthday.
Light and love.

Family Dinner

The lasagna was divine.

We had to get past the littles feeling a little threatened by the girls being with at Grammy's.  They haven't had to share for the last three years so they don't really know how.  They had settled down by dinner and then after dinner the littlest three played quite well.  It was really a nice evening.
We decided that next time would be pork, kraut and dumplings.  We invited the girls to come again if they wanted.

Took Dave a serving of the lasagna afterwards.  He is going to be very happy on Tuesday to get his LVP done.

Girls

I hired Elizabeth to babysit today so I could go to the grocery store by myself.  My usual kid moved and is hard to pin down.  So I contacted Elizabeth and she said sure.  Then she texted me back asking if Adrianna could come play also.  I left that up to her.  So we picked them both up.  I did my shopping and came home.  Adrianna played mostly with the neighbor girl and seemed to love the playground.  My guess is because it is there and she doesn't get a lot of free playground time.  Took them home and asked Elizabeth is she wanted to join us for family dinner tomorrow night.  She said yes and that she would ask.
Skip forward.  I texted to see if she had asked and she had.  No problem.  Then she texts back asking if Adrianna can come also.  I knew that was coming and that was fine.  She said her mom was the one who kept asking if Adrianna could come.  That didn't surprise me. Some things never change.
I hope I'm not making a mistake.  My littles lost their cousins when Tanya did her thing of cutting off her entire family.  Those cousins lost these cousins.  When Tanya thought she could fix things by just saying sorry and it was all Randy's fault, I didn't come around on that.  I didn't want to put my littles back in that position of having Tanya yank the cousins away again.  It has happened more than once so I consider it a good possibility to happen again.  And Audrie and Connor have already had so much loss in their little lives.
The major loss coming has kind of put things in a new perspective. It is a permanent loss.  And so maybe it is time to reconnect the cousins.  I'm still not "reconnecting" with Tanya.  And that is still my choice.  Forgiveness does not mean that I want her in my life.  I don't particularly care for people who use their children as pawns and so I choose not to have her in my life.  So we work around that slowly. The ground rules that I set up with Elizabeth last year still stand and now include Adrianna.  And I guess, for now, it is working.

Best Guess

After seeing the doctor Dave is thinking he can live longer than two years.  And maybe he can.  However he is so weak and tired I will be surprised.  He is almost skin and bones.  I try to convince him he needs to eat protein.  My reasoning is so his body doesn't cannibalize itself to get protein.  His response is he doesn't have any but tuna.
If it is important to you you will make a way,
if not, you will make excuses.
And so we go with that.  I am going to make him some vegetable beef soup.  It's all I can do is provide a little nourishment.
And my guess best is he won't make it a year.  Maybe I will be wrong.

End Stage

Dave had his specialist appt. today.  I loved the dr.  I found him funny.  That said......he told Dave he had end stage liver disease.  We knew that, but I don't think Dave had accepted it yet.  They will manage the complications that arise from the cirrhosis.  Dave now has a standing two week appt. for a Large Volume Pericentisis from here on out called LVP.  The goal is to get the need to be less than every two weeks.  Time will tell on that.
The doc told Dave any alcohol and he won't make it to two years.  We took that to mean he could make it to two years if he remains sober.  Time will tell on that also.  But for now we continue to take it one day at a time.

Death

Audrie pops up with Minnie is old.  Yes, yes she is.  She is almost ten and that is pretty old for a big dog.  Audrie then says she doesn't want Minnie to die.  Oy.  I understand and I tell her that.  Then she proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want to die.  I understand and I tell her that.  I think this will be a conversation for another day.  Unfortunately it will probably be much sooner than I ever wanted it to be.
Audrie understands that death means gone.  Aunt Betty had a cat who died about six months ago.  And Audrie understands Frank is never coming back.  So she has already processed that into the future.  I'm pretty sure Papa's illness is what is bringing this on.  Poor little girl. Wish she didn't have to keep learning about loss.  But it seems to be the way of life.

Errands For Dave

Dave texted and asked if we wanted to spend the morning with him.  He had several errands he wanted to accomplish.  The first being a blood draw at Kaiser and picking up a prescription.  We forgot the needed paperwork to get his handicap parking permit so we pushed that to Friday.  By the time we were done with Kaiser he was exhausted so we took him home.  Then the littles and I went to Walmart and got him a few groceries and some lounge pants.  They are the only thing he can wear right now.
He has decided that he really isn't happy with the housekeeper that comes in twice a week.  She spends four hours doing about 45 minutes worth of work.  So after next week I am going to pick that up for him.  I already do half of it anyway.
Two more days and he sees the specialist and then maybe we know more.  I just know he is getting weaker.

Wow Good Behavior

It was all up in the air.  How did we spend the first day of being back to a household of three.  I expected lots of acting out.  I did get some sadness.  But behaviorwise both kids were super good.  We made a plan in the morning to to go Dizzy Castle in the afternoon after  work/carehouse.  They both quickly got ready to go to carehouse without any more arguments.  They behaved great at Dizzy Castle and even better at home.  No fighting.  No hitting or kicking.  Amazing.  And when it was bedtime every one went to sleep.

Cassie

Cassie just spent eight days here.  Part of it was up north visiting with her siblings and their families.  Mostly she was here with her children.  She brought Jazzlynn and we are all in love with that little girl.
She is clean, she is good, she is  happy.  She has been having a good year.  Amazing what sober can do for you.  She had Jazz in May and got married this summer.  Gave me a good feeling to see her with her kids.  She is still so good with them even when they were trying to drive  her insane.
That said, my dilemma has been solved.  I have been wondering what happens to the littles if something happens to me.  Dave is completely out of it now so that fall back plan is done.  I have procrastinated making a new will because I didn't know what to do.  I always assumed the kids would go to Dave and so would my assets so he could take care of them and so my old will was fine.  Everything went to him.
So the answer to where would they go is back to their mommy.  The rest to be determined.  I'm just so happy to have this settled in my mind.
Good job Cassie, growing up, getting clean, becoming the person we all knew you could be.

All is Right With My World

I had two nights of good sleep.  I had a whole day to myself and part of another.  And then the littles came home and all was right with my world again.  Cassie said they were wild and I need to discipline more.  Hmmm.  Maybe they were just reacting to all the goings on in their world.  Who knows?  Anyway back to routine or whatever it is that that is now.

A Day By Myself

It was so quiet.  I did some cleaning and then headed to Portland.  Visited Hawthorne Street.  There are two great Powell bookstores there and some crazy cool shops.  I bought books.  Got a couple of Christmas present and a birthday present for my boy.
Then I headed to Costco to get coffee and animal food for Dave.  Funny how I spent $200 and didn't walk out with much.  I did find another Christmas present though.  So I guess my shopping is started.  And then an evening walk and time on the couch with Tivo.  Lovely to have a day to myself.