Boundaries

Again.  Not totally successful again.  But each day I begin again.  I don't know if I was born co-dependent or whether it is life driven.  I just know that hindsight says I have been that way for a long time.  It's all right.  It is part of who I am.  It is part of my big heart and my need to try and fix things. 
Part of becoming not so co-dependent is being aware of being so and when.  It is being able to question why I want to do something before I do it.  Like when my big heart wants to give someone something or do something for someone....I have to ask if I am doing it for them or me and why.  Is is selfless or because I am being manipulated? Is it to satisfy the need in me and someone benefits from it?  That isn't always a bad thing as long as I am aware of it. 
I am the biggest enabler of my son.  And I always think back to my friend Annette telling me that it is so much harder to keep boundaries when it is your child who is addicted/alcoholic.  You can always leave a spouse.  It is harder to leave a child.  So I have been working for years on setting boundaries for myself with my son.  And it seems like most of the time my built-in forgetter kicks in and I give in and then down that road we go.  Or enough time goes by that my resolve just goes with it. 

This year feels a tad different.  First the littles went to live with their mom.  So I no longer feel the need to facilitate the relationship between my son and his children.  I have spent ten years making sure there is space for that relationship and he used it when he wanted or wanted something.  After they moved he liked to tell me that since his reason to do good is no longer here...No, I don't accept that.  He didn't go "good" when they were here so them being gone has nothing to do with it. 
When I was in the process of moving, the gun safe got broken into.  There were no guns left in the safe, just my jewelry, mom's checks and savings bonds.  And at that point I told him I was not doing anything more (not true) until my jewelry came back. And I did not expect it was coming back.  That felt more like life teaching me to not be attached to things.  Almost all of the checks were still in the house and the savings bonds. 
I saw my child just before he got arrested and he knew the day was coming...he had skipped out on following through with drug court.  He wanted to know how many packages I could send him.  None.  It's part of not doing anything more.  And I am at a point of changing how I do things to hopefully get different results.  He so obviously did not believe me as the calls started.  The one call I took at first he tried to not annoy me to get what he wanted.  And I guess he did, because after he asked in three different ways for four different things, I did put money on his girlfriend's phone.  And when Father's Day weekend rolled around I did try to put money on Cassie's phone so he could call the kids.  But because her phone is out of area I had to do cash and you do that at the kiosk in the lobby of the jail.  So I went on Saturday just to find out they are closed on weekends due to Covid 19. Oy.  I ended up putting money on my phone so I could explain.  I did not intend to put money on my phone until I was ready to take calls.  I had wrote him a couple of small letters with general chitchat.  I was not giving an opening for "discussions" on packages, phone money, etc. I was getting ready to write a letter explaining my new boundaries so he at least was told.  Instead I took a call and did get to explain about the lobby.  He turned that into my fault because I didn't take his calls all week.  Then he again asked for a package and when I told him I wasn't doing that he told me to have a good life and not contact him ever again as he hung up.  Okay then.  I'm looking at the phone and thinking that was not the smartest move ever, but okay.  Two minutes before the phone started ringing again.  And I haven't answered it since.  I don't have to accept disrespect, especially when I'm paying for it.
So I am back to my boundaries for my son.  No calls until I'm ready which is when the fog has lifted from his brain.....that will take a good month.  No packages, with the exception of his birthday/xmas, and that's dependent on how things are going. 
Every day is a new day and another day to keep my boundaries.  I have to look out for me.  My son is a grown-up and time for him to take care of himself.  He made the choices that get him incarcerated.  He can live with the consequences which means I'm not supporting him in there.  Guess he gets lucky every time his girlfriend doesn't follow through with her own treatment plans on addiction.  Because when she is out she gets him packages.  That is between them.  My boundaries are for me.  I can't change him, I can only work on myself.