The Quiet

Audrie and Connor are up north with their other Nana. In the quiet I have cleaned my house and my car. Caught up on the last of last seasons shows on TiVo. Hooked up my printer. Went out for dinner with Mom. Enjoyed the solitude and the peace. It is good to have a break with no worries.

Hugs

I don't like people touching me. Haven't for a long time. And then something changed. I saw Jacob today and had no problem giving him a hug. And it felt good. Wow.

Rush is Done

We are completely caught up. Bag check room got torn down. Lots of books received this week. Still felt like the oddest rush ever. I never heard how the numbers looked. I have decided that driving the little cart isn't so bad. Kind of fun to go downhill.
I saw Jacob and was so happy. He is keeping busy, but had some time to stop in.

Time Will Tell

Mike made it to pre-bed. As luck would have it a bed opened up for Friday and it has his name on it. So I took him to Walmart (again) and picked up a few clothing articles for him. I had said that I would and he wanted to pick it out. Hopefully I didn't err by doing it beforehand. Now we wait for Friday and see.
It was nice being able to have a conversation with him yesterday that didn't involve lots of begging. He appeared clean and sounded clean. And he paid attention to his children.

Back to Normal

No bag check, only security. Spent my day receiving and dinking around. Then Liz volunteered Spencer and I to do calling on wait lists. We do so many more things now. Feels like it is all back to routine. Weirdest fall rush ever.

So Unusual

Rush is not going at all like normal. Slow this morning then we almost had to stop the store at noon. Everyone was friendly, even the kid with the My Little Pony button. I had commented on it and I'm not sure how he took it. I spent the day bouncing around. I am finding I like the variety of doing many jobs.
And I was accosted by a zealous bible thumper. He wanted to know if I had a back ache because God told him I did. He then proceeded to tell me how 90 percent of the people he prays for are healed. That's nice. I succeeded in not rolling my eyes.

Yup

The new iPad came and it is lovely. Crisp picture. The first one was a scam, but eBay took care of it. That guy wasn't that smart. It got put on his credit card. Oh well...
Mike is at Dave's house and driving Dave crazy. Dave seems to think he has some control and tries to exert it. Then he whines. They are making choices. Supposedly Mike is still going to pre-bed to get into treatment. Notice I said supposedly.
Cassie is pregnant and that took the wind out of my sails. That affects the littles no matter what the outcome is. Guess I take it one day at a time.

Again and Again

Fall rush is here. Seems like it comes every Sept. not as busy as usual. Our theory is because financial aid is now disbursed before the quarter starts that we see more students before the first day.
Stephanie came by and said the most surprising thing. She said I have not changed in the ten years she has known me. She attributed it to my working at the college with all the young people. I don't know.
I saw lots of wildly colored hair. Some woman came up to me and said she saw how I looked at one of the wild hairs like it was Halloween. Really? I was just amazed that anyone wanted to look like a snowcone of many flavors, but hey to each his or her own.

Building New Nets

In the last five years I have had every safety net pulled from below me.  I never intended to live life as a tight rope walker without a net. What I have learned in the last two years is that I am strong, self-sufficient, resilient and smart. I have listened to good advice and followed a lot of it.
Now I am in the process of building new nets. I have some amazing people in my life helping me with that. I am setting goals and working towards them. I am blessed even in the face of life and its challenges.

Full Moon

The littles went to Papa's for the night so I could clean the carpet. It looks so much better. Tried to connect with Jodi, but missed. So I got a night time walk in. The moon is full and beautiful. Fall is here though because it is cooling down a lot in the evening. And now it feels like time for bed.

Eye

So Dave pops off with am I still getting my injections of avastin in my eye.  Really? Same old, same old. I haven't gotten a shot since July 2012. Fourteen months. I lived with him for six months of that time. My life is so unimportant.

Another Walk

I keep asking Audrie if she wants to go for a walk and she keeps turning me down flat.  So I have decided that I will not ask but inform her that we are going for a walk.  Nana needs the exercise.  Well tonight she pops off with let's go for a walk.  And not only that, she walked.  We walked around the BG Village neighborhood.  Felt like we were in the stepford wives or something.  We only saw two people, no moving cars, no cats, no dogs, no signs of life other than TV's.  It was weird.  Felt good to get out there and moving.  A tad chilly though.  I think fall is in the air.  I love fall.

Puffin Cafe

The littles and I met up with David, Emma and Keenan at the Puffin Cafe at the Camas Marina.  We really like it there.  David and Emma just recently moved back to Camas so this was really convenient for them.  They got to walk to it.  We had a lovely dinner with great conversation. The waitress thought we were a family and that was too funny.  None of the kids even came close to falling in the water.  Audrie did manage to find some dirt to get on herself.  Connor loved watching all the boats tonight.  Lots of fishing boats going out.
Connor didn't have his stroller tonight.  And he did great walking around.  I think his stroller days are almost over.  Then once home he wanted yogurt and he wanted to eat it at the table like Sissy.  He did a great job, so now I am thinking we are about done with the high chair also. Wow, feeling a little sad that we are moving on again.

Blah

I think all the long days have caught up with me.  I just feel blah.  The kids are at Papa's house so I could get some rest.  Yeah right.  Between Mike, the phone and a fly I didn't get much rest.  And now it is too quiet here.  It's not like it was a planned night off from the kids. So I have ate leftovers and watched some TIVO.  Trying to get it cleared out before the new season starts.

Bits and Pieces

Mike finished a stint in detox. Says he is waiting for a bed in treatment. We've been here before so I'm not holding my breath. It's all about actions at this point. Dave is letting him stay there while he waits for the bed.
Ordered a new iPad and then did it again. I got a funny feeling the first one was a scam. If not I can always sell it on eBay. I may keep the new one and let Audrie use the mini.
My friend Heidi at work keeps trying to marry me off. I keep telling her I don't want that. I want a friend with benefits. That always makes her laugh.

The Slide

After he broke his second arm, Connor no longer wanted to go down the slide. I figured it had something to do with the cast.  Well the cast has been off for a week.  And he still wouldn't go down the slide, even if I was at the bottom waiting for him.  Playing with a group of kids finally prompted him to do it and his face lit up.  It was like going down for the first time.  And he is over that fear or whatever it was.  Slide on little man.

Dang Anti-freeze

So the story begins back in the spring.  Connor found a chair at a garage sale for free.  It wasn't in great shape but good enough to play with for awhile.  Well Josh, the neighbor upstairs, saw it and wanted to fix it....nope.  So then he said Audrie had to have one also....he must have a sense of fairness.  So he gave us a chair that his daughter had.  And then she gave us one like the one we got from the garage sale.  Well I don't want any of them and figured it was time for the disposals to begin.  I bought new animal chairs at Costco so they don't need lots of chairs.  So I threw out the purple one today because the garbage comes tomorrow.
Then the anti-freeze bottle got a crack in it and was leaking.  We had to clean that up and I told Tristyn to take the bottle to the dumpster.  Ooops.  She came back and wanted to know why her chair was in the dumpster.  She told me I was throwing away her childhood memories because her grandma gave her that chair.  She took it back out of the dumpster but rather than taking it home, she brought it back in my house.  Damn.  After she went in for the night that chair made its way back to the dumpster.  Hmmm maybe the garage sale chair needs to go tonight also.

Walmart

We made it to Walmart and bought a new phone. This one is red and has a pager. Maybe I won't lose it and Connor won't take it outside. Also bought Connor another pair of shoes. All of his shoes except the pair papa bought are now too small. One boy cannot live with one pair of shoes. Not in our world anyway. Other odds and ends and we spent a hundred bucks. Just like that.

Farmer's Market

After a few week hiatus we made it back to the market.  It just didn't feel right taking Connor all the time and then not having him play on the playground.  Well since his cast is off he was free to play.
For some reason they didn't do the matching funds today.  However Healthy Families was there again and we got another bag of produce.  In addition we came home with apples, peaches, and squash.  It was quiet today at the market.

Another Quiet Day

It was another quiet day.  The littles and I went for a walk and did almost two miles.  Audrie was tired and a little whiny, but she rode her bike the whole way.
Amazingly enough I have had no texts from Dave for two days.  I have not heard from Mike in two days.  Mom is quiet since I don't have a working house phone.  It is quiet and I like it.

In Charge

All three work days this week I felt like I was in charge.  Especially Thursday and today.  There were only two of us working and all the work got done except for the pallet going out.  And hopefully it went after I left today.  That is kind of frustrating when you do everything right and the truck doesn't come.
Belinda was very happy I was there.  I told her she wouldn't ever be left on her own at this point in her receiving career.  She is only in her first quarter with us.  We got all the work done and I sent her home early.
I doubt I would ever really want to be in charge all the time, but for a week or a day I can do that.

Quiet

A day of stillness.  A day of quiet.  I just worked and carried on no meaningful conversations.  The littles and I just played.  No stress.  No grief.  No nothing.  Just being.  It is raining and it feels like it is washing my world.

Ooops

Connor took my phone outside.  And promptly lost it.  And then it rained.  I think I need to buy a new house phone and watch the little man closer.  :p

Grief

Most of the time I just don't feel sadness, anger, pain, etc.  But today I think I felt a little grief.  A little sadness for the fact that Dave seems to be doing better.  Sounds like he is going to meetings and doing all those things he wanted to do.  And I'm like why couldn't he have done that when I was there? Why couldn't he do it for me? Why couldn't he have been honest with me and why can't he?  It just surprised me to actually feel something when I haven't the whole time I've been out other than annoyance.  Annoyance I feel.  I'm happy for him.  I hope he does find a good recovery road and maybe now he can because obviously with me he couldn't.  And that doesn't mean the road is great.  He still tries to drag me into the co-dependent role with all that surrounds Mike.  

So today I grieve the marriage that made it 29 years before it imploded.  It is sad, but I don't feel it anymore. And that is sad too.  29 years finished teaching me how to stuff emotions. 

He's Good

Connor got his cast off today. His X-ray showed his arm is healed. Yay! So then after he was home he fell several times and every time he looked at his arm. Maybe he was just trying to make Nana nervous. Anyway he is good and I won't have to tell the story anymore of his two broken arms.

Back Handed Insult

So after I gave Mike a ride he made his way to Dave's.  Dave then agreed to let him stay there for a few days. When he told me about it he commented that he must be as big of an enabler as I am. Really, seriously?

Stupid

Maybe that tattoo on my forehead is right. Audrie and I ended up giving Mike a ride even though I said no more. Oy. At this rate I never will learn.

Neighbor

We went to a BBQ at the neighbors. I've been in their place several times. It always strikes me how much they live there. It is home. They have been there for awhile.
When you walk in our place you know we are just marking time. We are transient. Won't be here for years. We have a few things up on the wall to make it homey, but it still shows.  Not sure how to feel about that as this is home for right now.

A Letter

My life is mapped out.  I am staying here until it is time to move.  That happens when my mom moves.  And then I will live in her house.  At this point in time I don't ever intend to live with another man.  I won't rule it out, but it isn't planned.  I won't be married again.  I thought I would be married until I was old and always said I wasn't going to do that again.  I still feel that way, even though I'm not old now that my marriage is over.  And it's not that I didn't like aspects of marriage.

I just don't want to have to wash some guys clothes, cook for  him all the time, check with him before I do anything or make any plans, etc.  I like the freedom of doing what I want and when I want.  And we are always doing things.  

What I want is someone someday who wants to do things once in awhile that are just fun.  No entanglements.  I don't figure anyone wants to get too involved in my life and I want to keep it compartmentalized at least for a long while.  And right now I don't have the energy to get too involved in anyone else's life.  

And I don't see any of this happening for a long while.  The only person right now who could even come close to being that is George.  And he seems to think I want some great love affair or that I'm not worthy to be in his life.  Well so be it. I've had my great love affair with George and never even knew if he felt the same way.  That kind of relationship is way too hard.  I'm all about easy now. And while I will always love George, I can't prove to him that he is wrong.  And maybe he's not.  Just would have liked the chance to find out, but he never asked what I wanted or was looking for. So I guess he will be my facebook friend and we can play candy crush.  :p

So back to life and doing great things with the little kids.  BBQing tonight with the neighbors.  I love some things about apartment life.  :)

Noticings

Audrie is showing signs of outgrowing that 2-4 year-old stage. Things I have been saying are finally sinking in. Like asking to meet dogs and watching for cars. She is a smidge nicer to her brother.
Connor is showing signs of entering that stage. Bigger temper tantrums and doing what he wants.
Mom is getting worse and it is hard to watch.
I briefly talked to Elizabeth online. She told me she did not send that email telling me to never contact her again. We agreed that the people who think we are stupid are wrong.
Cinetopia seats are very nice, but I would never pay full price just to see a movie there.
My car is clean....yay. Course that will only last two days if I'm lucky.