Grief

Most of the time I just don't feel sadness, anger, pain, etc.  But today I think I felt a little grief.  A little sadness for the fact that Dave seems to be doing better.  Sounds like he is going to meetings and doing all those things he wanted to do.  And I'm like why couldn't he have done that when I was there? Why couldn't he do it for me? Why couldn't he have been honest with me and why can't he?  It just surprised me to actually feel something when I haven't the whole time I've been out other than annoyance.  Annoyance I feel.  I'm happy for him.  I hope he does find a good recovery road and maybe now he can because obviously with me he couldn't.  And that doesn't mean the road is great.  He still tries to drag me into the co-dependent role with all that surrounds Mike.  

So today I grieve the marriage that made it 29 years before it imploded.  It is sad, but I don't feel it anymore. And that is sad too.  29 years finished teaching me how to stuff emotions.