New Year's Eve

We got some drive thru McDonald's and then took it to the park by Who Song and Larry's.  We watched planes landing.  We watched trains hustling down the tracks.  We watched the water moving.  And it was so quiet and nice.  Just the three of us. 
Came home and are now winding down.  Watching a little Netflix on the TV and we will be out long before midnight. 

Swimming Suits

It must be time for the stores to bring in the swimming suits.  We went shopping for snow gear locally and could not find much.  We bought the last two pairs of kids snow boots at Walmart.  Both boys.  That does not make my girl happy.  But she would be more unhappy with wet cold feet. 
Found some bibs online, but there is no way they could be shipped in time for this weekend.  Oy.
Then someone said something about craigslist.  So I checked and lo and behold there were one of each on there.  The one for a girl would have been iffy depending on how roomy it was.  Turns out that one was for sale in northwest Portland.  Now to me Jantzen Beach is northwest Portland.  Nope.  Think Pearl District.  I was so excited to have to drive over there and then back during rush hour. 
Well my friend Michael made a call to Kidz Cloz in town and she had two in each particular size I needed.  I already had a meet set for the boys so I kept that and then bought the girls in town.  No drive to Portland tonight. 
So we have coats, gloves, bibs and boots.  I have tons of scarves.  And we have a ride.  And if the ride falls through I will just suck it up and drive us, but I think we are set.  Don't know what my friend Doug is going to think when I tell him that Audrie has decided to tell people he is my boyfriend.  I think she and I need to have a little chat about what a boyfriend is.  Too funny. 

Snow

I've been watching Silver Star and it is just covered in snow.  A very good amount up there.  And it makes me want to take the littles up to some and play in it.  There won't be any more sledding on the hill at Papa's house.  And so I have to fill that void. 
There are a few obstacles though.  The first being snow wear.  Audrie did just get a coat so that is taken care of.  They need bibs, boots and gloves though.  And then we need a ride.  I'm pretty sure my car will not do well in snow.  The mini would have, but since we no longer have that one.....
The weather forecasts sounds like it could be a great weekend for it.  So here is hoping I get past the obstacles and get to take lots of pictures of the littles in snow. 

Now What?

So we have decided to stick it out here.  It has quieted down this week so maybe we are settling into a routine that we all can live with.  But while we are sticking it out to see if it will work I am in limbo.  Do I keep integrating our households or do we stay status quo in case we move in a month?  I don't know what to do.  Betting that I keep integrating and maybe that will be what keeps us here. 
Always watching and looking for work arounds to keep the noise level and chaos at a minimum.

2015 Winding Down

2015 is quickly coming to a close.  There have been a lot of ups and downs.  A lot of changes.  A lot of learning and growing  The biggest change was moving.  The hardest change was living without Dave.  But we did it and we have survived all of it. 
Audrie is growing in leaps and bounds with kindergarten.  She is practicing letters and their sounds all the time.  That in turn means Connor is also.  He never has to invent the wheel. 
Watching them grow and interact and learn warms my heart.  I love when their faces light up as they grasp new things.  Lately we have been discussing weddings and kissing and dresses.  I think my girly girl is starting to plan hers already. 
My personal world has shrunk and grown in unexpected ways.  Nice to finally find a friend to do grown up stuff with.  Sad that I allowed my world to be so taken up in the past that I lost a lot of myself.  Working on finding me and expanding my world.  So I again thank all those who I reconnected with from my past who reminded me of who I was and still am somewhere in the person I became.
So as this year winds down I am thankful for all the lessons.  I am thankful for the changes good and bad.  I am nothing if not a survivor and a bit of a sociopath.  And I have accepted that.  And now to start planning 2016 as much as it can be planned because I have learned that life always throws me a curve ball. 

Breakfast

I invited my friend Doug to coffee and he changed it to breakfast.  We met at a little hole in the wall called Lisa's Country Kitchen.  We had a nice breakfast, mediocre coffee, great conversation and visited with some friends of his.  Hid deal is he really hates chain restaurants.  So that is why he picked this place.  He was right....it was a much better breakfast than we would have had at Shari's. 
It was a nice hour out of the ordinary and a great distraction. 
Thanks for coming out before football, Doug, and for breakfast, coffee, conversation and Illinois planning. 

Keep Trying

After a conversation with Betty, I think we are going to keep trying for a bit longer to make this situation work.  It's not divine, but it is important.  No matter what route I go it is not a great outcome.  So I need to work on finding work arounds to the noise and chaos.  I could use some more patience also, but that seems to be the story of my life.
Actually things have settled down a bit the last week so maybe we are starting to settle in a little better.

And On With It

My application at the new complex got kicked out.  I guess I did something wrong.  So my money was refunded.  I have a paper copy now to fill out.  I intended to do it Wed.  and the first thing I did was forget to get a copy of my pay stub while I was at work.  Clark has changed their website and I can't find it at home.  So I need to do that on Monday.
I plan on filling it out and turning in what I have today.  Need this ball to roll.
Then we have a couple of gifts to deliver that we didn't get done earlier in the week.  And we have the house to clean and Christmas decorations to pack up. 
I think we have a busy day, but the weather looks decent so we might get a walk in to burn off some Christmas energy. 
Our trip to the midwest is booked.  I love the feature of being able to be flexible and letting hipmunk tell you when it is cheapest to fly.  I got tickets for $216 a piece.  Happy happy.  And Cassie is happy she is getting to spend some time with the kids.  And I am happy for them.  They get a week with Mommy and Jazzlynn.  And I get a week off.  Going to see some family, some sights and go for a motorcycle ride as long as I can still get on that bike(did it here so I should be still able to do it there).
In fact my friend Doug invited us to ride with him when he goes to the midwest.  He is going a couple of weeks before us so we are sticking with our plan.  That and he drives like Dave did.  Straight through and fast.  I appreciated the offer but two long days in a vehicle with the littles sounds a lot less fun that flying with them. 
And shall we take bets on whether we get a police escort in Chicago like we did last time in Minneapolis.  I'm betting not since I won't be loaded down with bags and car seats this time.  ;p

A Little Christmas

Santa came and gave each of the kids a present.  Little Miss got a box of animals and the little man got a remote control truck.  He pointed out that it was not a spaceship.  Ah yes he was correct.  But he seemed to get over that disappointment quickly. 
Then we waited for Pat.  Once he came the rest of the gifts got opened.  I remembered to put out the rolls to thaw so we could eat early.  Mom went back to bed after the gifts were opened and slept the rest of the day. 
We enjoyed our meal of ham and cheesy potatoes.  The grapes in the fruit salad were sour so we were picking them out.  Guess I didn't try one of them in the store to make sure they weren't sour.  Nothing disappointing like sour grapes.  We never got to dessert so I guess it shall wait.  Cherry pie.  My favorite. 
The little woman said her best gift was the box of animals.  He said everything.  My personal favorite of theirs is the noise reduced headphones.....no more fighting over the volume of the ipad.  I got my camp stove so we are set for some camping without Uncle Pat, but it is funner to camp with him.  Mom got a beautiful necklace.  Mike got clothes and bath stuff.  Pat made out like usual and got many gifts off his list but the best one was the Vikings cooler with wheels and a handle.  He asked for it back in Sept and I have had it hidden all this time.  It was too big to wrap so it just got wheeled out to him last. ;p

Christmas Eve

The afternoon was spent trying to find Mom's last present for Pat.  We finally succeeded and then hit the grocery store for the fixings for tonight and tomorrow.  I had totally neglected tomorrow until I was at the store tonight and remembered.  Albertson's was more than happy to help me out and take my money.
Since we are such a small group we decided we would do lobster tails.  We had been having Chinese food, but the better of the two places in town closed when the owner died.  So we had garlic mashed potatoes, steamed green beans, and garlic bread in addition to our tails. Pat did a lovely job bbqing those up.  My adventurous eater did not try the lobster though.  I was surprised.  Maybe next time.
Mom had opted to take a nap after her shopping and then she just kept at it.  Seems like that is a new tradition.  Having someone sleep through a holiday meal. 
We watched "Home".  My first impression was that Oh sounded just like Jim Parsons from "The Big Bang Theory".  I was right and I just love him.  And the movie was pretty cute.  The littles sat through most of it without too much squirming and making noise. 

Gift

Betty came by and dropped off a gift bag.  In it was a wrapped gift for the littles and a tin for me.  I figured it must be food the way Phoebe wanted in that bag.  Betty made homemade Reeses.  And they are delicious.  Yeah....there was no waiting for Christmas to dig into those.  And the littles have already eaten an orange. 
The best thing about this gift is the memory it invokes.  Way back in the day when Dave and I were young and more newly married his aunt used to give us a box of mandarin oranges at Christmas.  Back then it was the only time of the year you could buy them in the store.  Ladine said that someone used to do that for her and she was passing it on. And so I was reminded of those happy days.  We loved Ladine so much and our world was lessened when she left it. But we are left with these great tales.
Thank you Betty for the gifts and the memory reminders.  It is a small blessing in my state of sadness right now. 

Santa

The little woman has stood fast with her Santa request.  A box with animals in it and the more the better.  The little man has been not so easy.  He started off not knowing.  Then we were watching TV and he saw an ad for jammies.  He thought Jazzlynn needed some jammies and socks. Well that is exactly what I got her.  And I told him so.  So then he said he needed jammies and socks.  I didn't tell him I had some for him also.  He decided he was going to ask Santa for that.  And he stuck with that for a couple of weeks. 
Then when it came time to actually make his request he pops up with he wanted a remote control spaceship.  Wait...what?  He hasn't even seen Star Wars.  Anyway he said Santa told him to go to the store.  Not sure what that translates into.  So I asked what he wanted if Santa couldn't find a remote control spaceship.  Lucky he said a remote control truck.
Now I looked around a little bit and naturally I missed the good deal I had seen earlier because I thought he wanted jammies and socks.  I'm not spending a hundred bucks on a Santa gift.  So a truck it shall be.  At least the request was made and can't be changed now. ;p

An Experiment

And what an experiment it has been.  We moved in with my mom in the middle of November.  I honestly thought we could make it work after an adjustment period.  I know the littles can be loud, but I thought their quiet times and all the time we are not even here would counter it.  So I gave away my furniture.  Paid all my fees to move and we did it.
And here we are five weeks later and it is not working.  Because of Mom's dementia she does not recognize their quiet time or the time we are gone.  She only dwells on the noise and the dog and the chaos. 
Since my first priority is the littles.....it is time to implement another plan.  I am in the process of looking for a new apartment or place to rent.  The sooner the better.  I have an application in on one but it isn't available until Jan 4.  It is perfect in that it is in BG and the rent is a very doable amount.  But I keep looking in case something else comes up with a quicker move in date. 
It's just another story we will have to tell of our lives.  Remember the time we lived with Grammy for a couple of months?

Slow Down Saturday

We didn't accomplish much today.  We went to the bank and then to the McDonald's with a play place. When we got there we realized one of us didn't have socks.  Good thing Nana had Christmas presents in the trunk.  So little miss got her Monster High socks a little early.  They played for two hours.
Came home and made scalloped potatoes for the grown-ups.  Yum.  Seems like I always make it at this time of the year.  Usually twice.  Right before Christmas.....used to be Christmas Eve when we went to Dave's Grandma's house.  And then after the holiday with leftover ham from Christmas dinner.  I just got a jump on it this year.  ;p
There were lots of things we should have gotten done, but didn't.  And that is just the way it is.  Nothing, but the bank, had to be done.  We just took a slow down Saturday. 

Winter Break Begins

The little woman had her last day of school for 2015.  They decorated gingerbread cookies and had a book exchange.  She brought home a really cool book and we read it right away. 
And now we have a two week break before she returns to school.  Her first day back is also the first day back at college so it will be rush week.  So while she is off the next two weeks from school, I am working hard at last minute getting ready for rush. 

Piss Poor

When we stopped at Dave's old house to meet the new owners I noticed that Doug left so much crap there.  Starting with the kids battery operated car and four wheeler.  And he left them the chargers also because the jeep was fully charged. How nice of Doug.
He left all the things on the deck that had resided there when Dave was alive.  I noticed the trailer was still in the yard and so was a lawn mower.  Who knows what else, but obviously he did a piss poor job of taking care of things. 
Guess it was too much to expect of him to do any job well.  Makes you wonder how he did at his job when he was in the navy.  And maybe that is why he didn't advance. 

Cookies

Last night we baked our peanut blossom cookies.  It is the only time of the year that I make them.  I don't know why I associate them with Christmas, but I do.  Maybe because that is when Betty gave me the recipe all those years ago, for Christmas.
 I had plenty of help.  And they did really really well putting the kisses on the cookies after they came out of the oven.  The little man only got burnt twice and then he quit touching the cookie sheets. 
Today we took one plate over to my friend Karen's house.  I just wanted her to know that I am always thinking about her. 
And then we dropped off a plate to my friend Doug.  He had given me some smoked turkey so I returned the favor with cookies. 
That third plate never made it out of the house.  :p  And that probably means that that is all the Christmas baking we will do this year. 

Welcome Home

That is what I told the new owner of Dave's house when we met her today.  We stopped in and introduced ourselves and gave her our number in case they have questions about the house or yard.  She seemed rather surprised to find out the house had been vacant for a year. 
When they are done with their changes the whole house will feel different.  They have already painted most of it and took out all the carpets.  They are laying hardwood flooring.  The mirrors in the front room are gone, but I told her the story anyway. 
I told her how happy I was that they bought the place and are making it loved again.  It makes my heart sing.  And in a month they will have a new baby in it.  How wonderful.  Life goes on.  I think it makes Dave's soul happy also even if it wasn't what he wanted.  It is still a good thing finally. 

Visit to the Doctor

Took Mom to see her doctor for a check-up.  She hasn't seen her for quite some time. Got all her prescriptions up to date.  We are having a social worker come out to talk about services and living arrangements.  It was also suggested that Mom get out more and socialize and exercise.  We are laying down a few more ground rules and hope that the littles learn them relatively fast.  That is easier said than done.

No Tree

The plan for the day included getting our Christmas tree.  Well it didn't happen.  We got the house clean and we finally made it grocery shopping.  The littles got baths and we watched some netflix.  And the tree is still at the lot.  Maybe tomorrow.  Just didn't feel up to it today. 

Back To Harvey's

I got another groupon to Harvey's Comedy Club.  I was beginning to think I was either going to lose my money or have to go by myself.  Since I reconnected with my friend Doug, I asked him if he wanted to go.  We looked at our calenders and decided this was the night and I made the reservation.
Doug was a very good sport.  He doesn't like to go to Portland much and he certainly doesn't do mass transit.  I suggested we use Max to get there since it puts us right there and we don't have to worry about parking. He also rode with me driving and said he couldn't remember the last time he was a passenger.  Definitely took him out of his comfort zones.
We got a quick bite to eat before traipsing downtown.  Then we got there in plenty of time.  Got seated and ordered beverages and a snack.  There were two acts.  Both were funny, but the headliner was superb.  He had me laughing until I was almost crying.  I kept the tears at bay since I was wearing make-up tonight.  I love good stand up comedy done by someone with an experienced flow.
Afterwards we headed over to the Max stop.  Mostly we just waited, but right before the train came this woman came up and told Doug he could not move into her apartment.  He told her he was leaving and she said no, she was leaving.  And off she went as we got on the train. 
I returned Doug home all in one piece.  Went in and continued on my mission to befriend his dog. While doing that Doug gave me some coats for Audrie and offered up some of his daughter's old toys.  I know a little girl who is going to be ecstatic with the Barbie stuff. 
So again, thanks Doug for a wonderful evening of adult conversation.  Laughter really is the best medicine. 

Kristi's Quilt

I was asked what my favorite color was.  And naturally I said purple.  And then I amend it to say I pretty much like all colors EXCEPT yellow and orange.  And then this quilt arrived in the mail.  Now I was appropriately grateful and I hung it until Nov of this year proudly.  And yet, all the time it felt like an insult.  Hindsight.....it was an insult. 
It was a beautiful quilt.  And I felt so good when I put it on the railing with a free sign.  Someone will enjoy it.  Because while I can appreciate the work that went into it........I just never liked it. 

Big Favors

It's just stuff.  I have worked very hard to get to this point.  To lose my attachments to the stuff Dave and I accumulated.  I have given up on getting any of my "stuff" back that is/was still at Dave's house.  And it's all right.  It's just stuff.  It can all be replaced and any memories attached to that stuff, I still have them.  I may not have the "stuff" to bring the memory to the front of my brain, but the memories are still there. 
So Tanya texts me that she has my platter from England (I don't have one), some coaster Mike made and the wine glasses from our wedding(but one is broken).  WTF. She seems to think she is doing me all these big favors.  You know she kept on Doug to get me the kids stuff.  And now she is saving me stuff that I don't want.  Maybe it would feel different if it was the stuff I had already asked for right after Dave died, but it's not.  It is essentially garbage. 
Hmmmmmm.  Now I don't know if Doug told her to give me that stuff or what.  That would sound more like it.  Give Dawn garbage because that is mostly what he has done.  In the pile with the toys and the bed was some bedding crap that had been peed on greatly when he was locking cats in the house.  And he left it for me.  Wasn't that sweet?  I had Pat and Mike just leave the pee soaked stuff on the driveway.  Now I get a broken wine glass.  Why would someone save it if it was broke...throw it away. 
Just slaps in the face I think. And that reminds me.  I need a post about the quilt. 

Another Scooter Walk

The rain and wind all stopped.  So after supper the littles and I got ready to go for a walk.  Mike decided he would go also.  We increased the length.  We saw a lot more Christmas lights.  They really like seeing those up close and personal. 
It helped me finish getting my 10,000 steps in for the day also.  It is a harder thing to do living in a neighborhood.  I can't go make laps leaving them in the house like I did at the apartment.  Still working on the logistics of stepping.  But for today it worked. 

Progress

It is rather hard integrating two households and I didn't have much of one.  I'm just putting things neater now so we can get Mom's car back in the garage.  I need to get the books all in the house.  They cannot live in the garage permanently.  They would be ruined. 
Mom keeps asking if she is going to be able to find her stuff.  I ask her what she might want to find and she just says her stuff.  Well so far the only thing of hers that has moved is the toaster oven and I don't think she sees that is is gone.  So I just tell her nothing has moved.   I don't tell her the yet part. 
She realized that the fan above the stove is crapping out.  Says it needs to be replaced.  I told her no we are going to install a microwave there.  Explained how it worked and it is one of my changes.  Seems silly to fix the fan when I want to make that change.  I think that went okay.  Time will tell. 

All Kinds of Progress

Well the garage is almost ready for the car.  I haven't gone through every thing but it is much more neatly organized.  My goal is to get the car in and then worry more about what is left.
Then Mike came home and played with the kids while Mom and I went Christmas shopping.  She got most of hers done.  I didn't get any more of mine done, but I got a few ideas.

What a Girl

We went for another night time walk.  It is one of the ways we are burning energy here.  They can't just go outside and play with the kids or at the playground.  So we are looking for work arounds to keep them active outside and quieter inside.
So our walks have been including the new scooters they each got for their birthdays.  Last time she complained about her scooter not being fast enough.  Today she asked him to show her how to go fast.  He has been a scooter master since he was about 18 months old.  And so he showed her and helped her.  She had a much better "walk" tonight.  And so we added another block onto the walk. 
I notice that sometimes she is very sweet when she wants something from him.  I think it funny how she is using coyness and cuteness and sweetness to manipulate him.  Now this comes naturally to her.  She is not mimicking me in any way, shape or form.  Sometimes all of that gets you much better results than bullying.  And I think it is good for her to learn.  Her daddy on the other hand finds it annoying.  I just smile. 

Practicing Patience

It has been a busy couple of months and I have noticed that my patience level rapidly declined. So it is time to get back on the bandwagon and practice patience.  Too much screaming, misbehaving and temper tantrums aren't good for anyone.  And I have learned the lesson many times that the littles feed off of me.  So if I'm grumpy it shows in their behavior. 
So biting my tongue and counting to ten.  Practicing patience because it is a good lesson to teach as well as it is calmer. 

Decorating

 

We are now concentrating on integrating households and decorating for Christmas.  We did the lights earlier and now we have completed the mantle.  We hung snowflakes in the window after we saw that David and Diana had hung snowflakes all over their house.  Didn't figure Mom would go for that, but she could handle the window.  I'm not sure she noticed the window at all, but she liked the mantle. 
Mike came home for a bit and we got the beds put up in the attic.  It was challenging for him at the end as the space became tighter.  But now that is done and that gives us more room in the garage to go through stuff and get it stored so we can get Mom's car back in the garage. 
Making progress.

Thanks Dave

We were having this conversation at work about giving notice.  I commented about having never given notice.  My two previous jobs ended when they closed the restaurants.  So I figure I am working in the warehouse until I retire.  Well, Dave, our FedEx guy comments that I still have twenty years.  My first thought is his math is off and it is no matter how you add it.  I look at him and go no. He said "But you are 35."  Oh that is right.  We had had a conversation awhile back about ages and he assumed I was his age or so.  I just looked at him and said "Thanks, Dave." 

Party

The little man knew he needed to have a party at Marti's just like his sister.  Good thing for us Marti is a good sport. We brought the cake and she supplied the games.  They play "Break the Ice", a Lightning McQueen puzzle and "Candyland".  They they had a present hunt with clues that sent them up and down the stairs.  Connor got some cones and a nice new ball.  Audrie got a gift of some hair clips and some nail polish.  Then they had a little tickle time with Alan and all was right with their world.  It was a great evening and we thank you Marti for making it so. 

Gift Card Shopping

The littles received gift cards from Mommy for their birthdays.  I held on to Audrie's and they shopped together.  I wanted to avoid the melt down that would occur if they did it separately unless I could have found a sitter each time.  This worked wonderfully.
And they are little shoppers.  They realized they did not have a concept of what $50 is, so they let me keep track for them.  And they did good.  She had the best time with the playdough.  She is waiting for Daddy to come back to help put the mixer together (how annoying). He got an RC and loves it.  I'm not sure how long it will last since he likes to run it into the curbs, but it is his and he picked it. 

A Year

It has been a year since Dave died.  The little woman and I were talking and her memories are fading.  She no longer remembers riding on the sled in snow with Papa.  She no longer remembers living in Papa's house with Nana and Papa.  I expected the little man to be the one who forgot quickest because he was so much younger than her.  And maybe he has.  We haven't talked about it.  Maybe we will today when we reminisce about Papa.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about Dave, miss Dave, long for him to still be here with us.  And a year later it is no less strong than it was at the beginning.  I've just adapted to feeling that way.  Every once in awhile a little anger still presents itself, but I always remind myself that he was just a man.  And no man is perfect. 
He still sets a pretty high bar for anyone else who might want to be in our lives.  And there will be other people in our lives.  We don't live in a cave with no interaction with people.  But we can be choosy and pick people with integrity, character, honesty, connections, caring, etc.  Dave taught me a lot.  Mostly he taught me how to be by myself without him.  It was a painful lesson and one I hoped never to learn. But I did.
And so on this day a year later I still send light and love to him wherever he is.  I will continue to think about him, miss him and hold him dear in my heart as he was the man I chose to make my life with.  And now it is time to move on and make my life without him more than I already have. 
Feels like I am closing chapters all over the place this week. 

End of November

It was back to work, school and day care after our nice long weekend.  It was oh so hard this morning to get back into routine.  But we all made it where we needed to be.
After work I grabbed the littles and we went back to the apartment to finish cleaning.  Naturally only one of us cleaned and the other two played.  And that job is done or at least as done as it is going to be.
Feels good to finish that up and close that chapter.  It was a great three years in limbo. I met some great people, learned a lot, and became much more self-sufficient.  Now on to the next adventure.....cleaning the garage. 

My Little Man is Four Years-old

The little man turned four today.  He feels so big.  We had a little gathering for cake.  We had one extra guest. For some reason my kids like small things.  We enjoyed cake and ice cream and singing "Happy Birthday To You." Well all of us except the little woman who covered her ears.  Maybe it is the song she doesn't like.
Connor got his scooter.  He did not get one for his best friend Kohen, his girl Kinzlee or for Milea.  His nana is just not that generous.  He got a batman toy that he also asked for.  The biggest hit was some min figs I ordered online.  He got superheros and she got ninja turtles.  They played with those toys for a couple of hours.  Yay!  He also got a new car and a boat and a jacket.  All in all a good haul.
He and Audrie both have gift cards from Mommy to go shopping with.  I waited with Audrie's so they could shop together. I think that avoided a lot of melt downs. 
What I found interesting is he is more aware of what other people get.  He had commented several times that he wanted as many presents as Eban got for his birthday.  Eban is the only grandchild of two sets of grandparents.  He gets a lot of presents.  That isn't ever happening for Connor.  And there is no explaining why some kids get a lot more.  Anyway he was fine with what he got and never asked for more today.  Sometimes enough is enough. 
Happy birthday little man.  I remember the day you were born and all the love I have felt for you from that moment on. 

Expansion on a Bike

I have said for a good ten years that I would never ride a bike again unless it was with my brother.  He has already had his wreck and isn't likely to have another one.  As I get older that safety aspects rears its head. 
Dave wanted a bike and I never said no.  I just said I wasn't riding.  So after we moved it was one of the first things he acquired.  And I was happy for him.  That wish was fulfilled.  And he never offered me a ride.  And that was okay.
So yesterday I met up with an old friend.  We hashed out all the things that had kept us from being friends and decided we were still friends.  He called and asked if I wanted to go for a ride on his new bike.  He is still trying to get through the first thousand miles to get it broke in.  And the weather is just perfect for fall riding.  Without missing a beat I agreed to the ride as long as I could find a sitter. 
Well a sitter is hard to find.  But Daddy was working at Uncle Pat's and Pat said they could hang out there.
And so that is what happened.  I dropped the "kids" off at Pat's and went on a ride.  My little man wanted to know how come he couldn't go.  Too young. Pat wanted clarification on bike ride.  I said motorcycle and I guess I lied.  Because I was riding with someone other than my brother. 
Here are my epiphanies.
I don't get carsick on a bike.  I may have knew that, but didn't remember.  How nice.
I am no where near as limber as I was in my youth.  And I bet I looked really cute getting up on that bike and getting off that bike.  But I did it.  If you can't get on, you can't ride.  I seem to remember a man with a horse telling me that one time.  May be why I haven't been on a horse in a long time.
I had forgotten how you feel the temperature changes on a ride.  It was really pleasant most of it.  We got down near the Lewis River and it got cold.  We found a lot of frost and decided to head back. 
From Orchards to almost Moulton Falls back to Orchards and then to Frenchman's Bar and back to Orchards.  I wasn't as stiff as I expected to be after sitting that long.
And it was a lovely day for a ride.  Glad I was invited. I never felt unsafe at all, even when the mailman tried to hit us. Thanks Doug for expanding my world and reminding me. 

Lights

I was so excited to find the lights in Mom's garage.  Only to be so disappointed when they didn't work.  So Black Friday beckoned.  Got the first of our lights.  My plan is to add a little bit each year and spread out the expense.  And then we will know what works and what doesn't as we go. 
Mike climbed up on the roof to do that part and I wrapped the railing.  Tried to turn the lights on and found out the outside outlet doesn't work.  Plugged them in inside and that outlet doesn't work.  Methinks my brother needs to take a look.  So then we plugged it into the dryer outlet and behold we have light.  Two different colors of blue.  Kind of messes with my sense of symmetry, but they are still beautiful.
Thanks Mike for making your kids happy and not making me get up on the roof.

Thanksgiving

It was our first Thanksgiving in our new home with Grammy.  It was our first Thanksgiving without Papa.  We had the usual dinner and there were no fruit salad mishaps this year.  Mom and I reminisced about that in the morning.  Dave had spilled a whole big bowl of fruit salad in the days before grocery stores were open on Thanksgiving.  We have been telling that story every year since 1988.
We had the usual guest list.  Nine.  It was nine last year also.  This year, no Dave, but Mike was there.  He said it was his first Thanksgiving with us in a long long time and I think he is right.  Guess the stars aligned.  Thanks Dave. 
I was feeling a bit nostalgic.  I was remembering last year and all of us being there for, with Dave.  Those who loved him dearly.  My heart warms every time I think of Israel taking time out of his family holiday to come visit Dave.  Last year was a good holiday. 
This year was a good holiday, just in a different way.  I touched base with Israel and let him know I was thinking about him and how much I appreciated him last year. 
So we are thankful for each other and the time we spend together.  We are grateful for being able to take walks and study nature, for doing artwork and quiet time.  We are thankful for the good health that we have and the food we enjoy.  We are grateful for a roof over our heads and the time we had with Papa. 
Light and love Dave.  Light and love family. 

Pictures Odds and Ends

Pie Day

The day before Thanksgiving is always pie day. So after some coffee we got to it.  We did a pumpkin, a lemon meringue and a chocolate cream.  The little man and I did the meringue by ourselves and had to do it over.  I have no idea what we did wrong but it never got stiff.
 I think they enjoyed our pie making and our memory making.  Neither one would eat the pie dough though.  I can still hear my grandma telling me it would give me worms.  Yeah right.  Never stopped me from eating the dough. 

Giving Thanks

The little woman brought home this picture of herself.  Note the red hair.  She is thankful for her family.  So I had her tell me who the people were in the picture.  So the green cat up by the leaves is Mica.  And then left to right is Grammy, Nana, Connor, Audrie, Jazzlynn, Papa, Mommy and Daddy.  I like how we are all holding hands. 

Sunny Day

We took advantage of the beautiful weather we have had this weekend.  We got two walks in.  One in the daytime looking at all the leaves and mushrooms.  And then another one at night when it was cold. Found out the playground does not have a street light close enough to it to really utilize it at dark. 

A Day for Nostalgia

Doing the project with Betty brings back all kinds of memories.  We had to send email to Chris and her son used to play soccer and basketball with my son.  Then today while at the grocery store I ran into her brother and sister-in-law whose son used to also play sports with Mike.  In fact Dave used to coach soccer.  Funny how the universe works sometimes.  Dave had his youngest son with and he has grown into a tall young man.  Always good to see them all doing well.
Tonight the phone rang.  My brain did a freeze when he first said it was Doug.  And then he quickly clarified which one.  I haven't talked to Doug in twenty years due to his situation with his wife at the time.  Hindsight told me that I was much too quick to take her side.  Especially the things that came out later and after I had time to think about things.
So since I had been chasing my past and making amends where I needed to, I had dropped by his house and was amazed that he still lived there.  A couple more stops and I got the nerve to go up to his door.  No answer to my knock.  So I wrote a quick note stating that although it was twenty years late I apologized for backing the wrong horse.  I had forgotten who my friend was.  Gave him my number and said I would love to catch up but only if he wanted to.  That note was left several months ago and I figured as time went by that he did not want to.
We did a quick catch up.  He had driven by our old place today and almost stopped.  Said he was glad he hadn't.  I told him Joe would have told him about Dave and it would have been okay.  Wonder if his timing was when I was at Betty's.  My world seems to work like that sometimes.
So we are going to meet in the future and have coffee even though all our old coffee haunts are gone.  Guess we find a new one.  I was glad that he called and he was too by the end of the call.  Said it was hard and that he had been going back and forth for awhile.  Well so had I when I did my drive-bys.

Settling In

Slowly, but surely we are settling in.  It is very difficult to integrate two households.  It's not just integrating.  My first mistake was being too considerate.  I broached some of the changes I wanted to make with Mom and she agreed.  That is as far as it got.  No changes, just talking about them.  Then she complained about all the changes I made and how she can't find anything.  You have to laugh or you will cry.
Anyway we are making progress.  There are still a few things at the apartment to haul over and some cleaning to do.  And then that part will be done.  We will miss all those neighbors, especially the kids.
I got Dave's other bathroom shelf hung and the whiteboard in the office.  I figured we needed one of those for notes to ourselves.  I can see that I need to get much more organized.
Mom is having the most difficult time with the changes.  She likes the quiet.  And while the littles have quiet times, her memory doesn't allow her to note the difference.  She just remembers the moment when they are loud.  Not sure there is anything we can do about that.
A friend suggested talking to her doctor about it and ask for any suggestions. 
My life is never boring.

Giving Tree

The littles and I talked about the giving tree.  We decided that we would pick a name and shop for that child.  They didn't blink an eye about it.  I think maybe they are born with compassion and then have to to relearn it as they get older, jaded.  It does my heart good when they are wonderful and kind.
We are thankful to have a place to live, food in our cupboards, warm clothes to wear and toys to play with. 

Sad

Today Monica put me in charge of setting up the giving tree.  The nursing club is sponsoring the tree for Share House.  So I got to put ribbon on all the tags and attach them to our tree.  Well I read each and every one of the tags.  And it broke my heart. 
We think of the homeless as those begging on the on ramps.  Most of them just looking for money for drugs.  I know this is true since my son has done that many many times.  We forget about the families that are homeless. 
And it was a big reminder today seeing all the requests for shoes and winter coats. 
Makes me think it is time to share with the littles the things we can do for others.  Start a tradition of more compassion.  I used to do giving trees all the time.  I don't know why I stopped or when.  It is time to start again in some form. 

Moved

There are still some odds and ends at the apartment to move and then to clean it.  And then that chapter of our life is over. 
We are slowly settling in with Mom.  She agreed to let Mike stay here as long as he is doing well.  Time will tell.  He also broached living with Pat and Pat is thinking about it. 
Poor Tanya had to admit that Doug didn't get the ashes by the weekend like he said.  Then she told me she was going to check into the bunk beds that were suppose to be set out near the beginning of Oct.  I just told her no one expects Doug to be reliable.  He pretty much has proven that he's not.  Wonder when she will realize that the rest of us are right?

Little Bits

Took the little miss to school this morning.  We were early enough that she got to have breakfast at school.  That went pretty smoothly and she wants to do that again.  After I sent her off to her class I went to the office and got the boundary exception form filled out and turned in. 
Made it to Costco and got the things on our list from there.  They also had big whiteboards.  I wanted one to put in the office for notes.  Just hadn't gotten around to finding one yet.  So that was serendipitous.  I'm going to let Mike hang it for us. 
Slowly but surely we are making the settling in progress.  I guesstimate it will only take another three months to do that.  ;p

School Drop Off

Today was the first day of me transporting the little woman to school.  I only have to do the mornings and then early release afternoons.  The rest of the time she rides the kindergarten bus that drops at Little Tigers. 
I never thought I would be one of those drop off parents on a regular basis.  I really don't believe in it if it isn't necessary.  I don't want to switch her mid stride, so we are getting a boundary exception.  The only way for her to get to school is either catching the bus at Little Tigers or me driving her.  I would have to drive her to Little Tigers anyway.
So as I am dropping her off today I remembered that I have done this before.  Dave and I lived in Hearthwood when we first got married and his kids came to live with us.  Then we moved to Battle Ground.  I spent almost three months making two daily trips to Hearthwood so as to keep them in the same class for that year.  That 30 mile round trip twice a day makes the five mile trip once a day look like a piece of cake.
Next year she will go to the school this neighborhood goes to and the following year they will both go.  All good and I am one of those drop off parents, but with a reason.

Family Dinner for Mike's Birthday

After a day organizing the kitchen the littles and I set about baking a cake and putting lasagna together.  The littles did the frosting and Daddy wrote Happy Birthday and put two hearts on it.  The littles wanted the hearts.  One for each.
Every one came over and it makes a full house and a fuller table.  We may have to get a bigger table.  Grammy slept through dinner, but ate later.  There is never wasted lasagna.  Connor even made the foray into eating lasagna.  He is such an adventurous eater.  I was laughing when Tanya said he is almost as picky as Audrie.  I said..oh no way....she is the pickiest eater I know. 
So again I have pictures, but my computer is not set up yet and right now I don't know where the cord is for my camera.  So later......

Load It Up

And the day arrived.  Moving day.  The rental of the u-haul was a piece of cake.  Just like renting a car.  Driving the u-haul was a piece of cake.  Just like driving a truck.  Loading it up was work.  I got almost all of it loaded when Jason came outside and helped with Audrie's dresser and the queen bed.
And then it was on to the house. 
Mike unloaded most of it with a little help from me and the littles.  We managed to get the bedroom set up.  All the dressers were put back together and the TV situated.  Now we have to call DISH and get a connection for that TV. 
There are still odds and ends to move and cleaning at the apartment.  But the big push is done.  Then we hit Shari's for dinner and Winco for groceries.  A good tiring day. 

Picture Day

We had our appointment today for Connor's four year-old pictures.  He told me he was going to wear his batman mask and cape.  And he did.  And the picture turned out pretty cute. I think it shows who he is at this age.  And when he grows up he wants to be Batman.  So it just seemed appropriate.
After the pictures were taken we headed to the food court for some dinner.  McDonald's isn't at the mall anymore.  Even if it was, I had my more adventurous eater with me.  Nice to have something different.  So we got some Thai food.  Beef and broccoli and some lo mien.  Delicious.
The neighbor who was watching the little woman texted and asked for some Cinnabon's and so we did that also.
It was a nice few hours with just the little man and me.

Almost Done

Moving, moving, moving.  Still up in the air as to what happens with Mike.  He is hoping to talk  Grandma into letting him stay with us as long as he stays clean.  Otherwise he is asking Pat and thirdly maybe an Oxford house situation.  All three work if he stays clean.  I'm not holding my breath.  I have great hope as always.  I'm such a pollyanna.
Karen told me she hoped I had lots of help moving.....I laughed and told her I had just as much help this time as last time.  And it will get done.  Just like last time.  I am self reliant and self sufficient sometimes. I would use Mike on this end, but I'm not allowing him to come back to the complex.
That in itself doesn't stop him from doing anything he might want to do, but it keeps him from that initial contact here that always gets him.
The great great fringe benefit of moving is no longer having to deal with the creepy neighbor in any way shape or form.  Yay!  Feel sorry for his kid, but can't help her.  I have done what I can with letting management know about his dealings.  Just glad to not have to watch the drug dealings anymore after this week.
Now watch....there will be a dealer living by Mom.  Hope not.  Haven't seen one in all the time I've been there.

Protein

The littles and I have been talking about nutrition in a very easy way.  Breaking down protein, carbs and milk products.  Milk for strong bones, teeth, etc.  Protein for strong muscles.  Carbs for energy.
Audrie does not eat much meat.  She is almost a natural vegetarian.  I try not to worry too much about her because she is definitely growing so she must be getting her needs met.
But our conversations of late have her thinking.  So she keeps asking if this and that have protein. I know protein comes from meat and from a mix of legumes and grains.  I also know it is in some other foods, just not what.
So she asks about Cheerios.  Naturally I'm thinking there is no protein in Cheerios.  And I was wrong.  Not a lot but it does have 3 grams per serving.  And then if you eat them in a bowl with milk there is protein in the milk.  And that is how she is getting what she needs.  Just a little here and a little there and it all adds up.
Whew.

Happy Birthday Mike

Today is my child's 26th birthday.  Unfortunately for him he is spending it at the Clark County Hilton.  We went and had a video visit with him.
I had said that I was never going to go through the gauntlet to see him when he lands in jail in Clark County.  It is time consuming. I dislike it.  I can't take the little man.  And the list of reasons goes on and on.  But now they have video visits.
A video visit takes place in a little room with a tv screen and a phone.  You get to talk through the phone and see each other on the screen.  Almost exactly the same as going upstairs to see someone on the other side of the glass.  The difference is you don't have to go through the screening and wait the hour to hour and a half to go upstairs.  And a video visit can include the little man.
Neither child seems bothered by these visits.  They understand that their daddy is in jail on a time out.  They are always happy to see him and tell him they love him.
Today Audrie showed him all her drawings.  Last time we didn't know what to expect so we didn't take anything with us.  Hard on little kids to be in a small space with nothing to do.  So today we took the color box with us and the ipad.  It went much smoother.
So he realized today that due to how it all worked out he will be home for Christmas and Thanksgiving.  He has missed more of those than he has been around the last six years or so.
Happy birthday child.  We will celebrate on Sunday with cake.  :)

New Adjective

Incompetent.  And it was funny because someone told me that I already knew that about Doug a long time ago.  My response is "he doesn't have to keep proving it."  Anyway it is coming up on a year since Dave died and in that time Doug has not bothered to pick up the ashes from the funeral home. Now we know where they are and they are safe, but really???
So I add incompetent to the long list of adjectives that are Doug.

Changes

When I was young and planning out my life, this is not where I thought it would go.  And so it is.  Today I am head of a grandfamily.  We are moving in with my mom who has dementia.  That will feel like three littles at times. That is going to be a major adjustment for all of us including the pets.
I have had to change gears and make new plans and new safety nets.  I haven't looked exactly but I have about 13 years till "retirement" age where I collect social security.  I'm pretty sure I will not be able to work in the warehouse that long.  Liz, my boss, also has that in mind as she is a couple years older than me.  Her plan is we will work as long as possible with help from the others.  She may have to  hire a guy eventually to move some of our boxes of books.  I will work as long as it is feasible.
When I was deciding what to do with the rental house, it was one of the factors.  I could have sold it and used the proceeds.  And I will, just not yet.  I think that comes when I can't work any longer.  And so the rental needed to make more money now.  Hence the management company.  They took it over and raised the rent.  Hoping that will give me enough to sock some away for that roof it is going to need.
I can start taking money from the IRA when I am 59 and a half.  Funny how close that feels now.  That will allow me to re-evaluate how my safety nets are, how I feel at work, etc.
I have two littles to get raised until they are grown-ups and that costs money.  And they are going to be more costly as they get older.  Have to plan for that.
Things become different when you don't have your back up plan any longer.  When you don't have help any longer.  Things have to change, at least for me.  I have to set things up for my comfort and my life.  I no longer can worry about how other people feel or perceive my actions.
So we are making changes that make my family stronger, safer.  We are making changes that show us what we are capable of.  Who we are capable of being.  We are moving forward as always.  No stagnating and limbo is done.  We will do this with courage, strength and grace.

One Down

Well that wasn't too bad.  Just took me a minute to figure out which drill bit I really needed for the holes.  And then it was a piece of cake.  So one is up.  I'm just not sure where I want to put the other one yet.  Originally I planned on the other side of the mirror, but now I may want to put an organizer over the toilet.  The two things can't take up the same space.  ;p
We are so close to just furniture remaining.  The place looks so funny.  And of course the little man is finding things he isn't suppose to.  Like my hammer.  What is this for?  Hammering nails and not for little boys.  I actually need it to take the nails out of the walls, even though my cleaning list tells me not to.  Yeah....like I'm going to pay for a maintenance guy to take them out. NOT.
Counting down now.  Six sleeps.

Sleepover

The little man had his first sleepover.  Brady invited him and Audrie tagged along.  John was good with it after he got to go shopping without Brady.
I got 11 hours of sleep.  Slept in.  Only woke up once during the night.  The best sleep I have had in 369 days. 369 days ago was the last time they spent the night at someone else's house (Nana Nita's).
John  is oh so smart.  He did this on the last weekend the littles spend at the complex.  Maybe he knew I could use the sleep and this way they won't be bugging him every weekend for a sleepover.  ;p
Thanks John, I oh so much appreciated it.  More than you will ever know.

New Skills

I have a long list of projects.  Thinking about the list I realized I have to learn some new skills.  First project is hanging my bathroom shelves.  Dave had made a spice rack for over his stove.  And I liked it, but not as a spice rack.  I'm not keeping my spices above the stove.  But I liked the design.  I commented about wanting some shelves in the bathroom for product.  Hair spray, gel, etc.  So he designed and built two for me.  In order to hang these shelves I need molly screws or some other good fastener. I don't want them falling off the wall.
I looked at Molly screws at Walmart and realized I know nothing about them.  That prompted a trip to Ace Hardware to talk to the guys in the know. Now I have the right Molly screws and will make my first foray into using them.  I understand how they work.  We have used them before, but I never watched how Dave did them.  Now I know this is no big deal.  Just a little thing, but it's a new thing for me.  So it will be a new skill.
Upcoming new skills will be using a pressure washer, staining, using Spackle, some new gardening skills.  I have a long list that will keep me busy for awhile especially since some of it is seasonal.

Packing, Hauling

Working on it.  I would guestimate to be about half way not including the furniture.  The couch being gone is a biggie.  So John asked who was helping me.  Wait...what?  I haven't asked anyone for help except for Mitch.  I asked him to help me with the queen mattress on the truck day.  I can get the rest just not that.  I have done it before.
Maybe John's question was to prompt me to ask him to help.  But mostly I prefer to be self reliant.  He did ask where we were moving so he could come visit and I'm sure I will tell him.  It's not that far.  :P
We are definitely in transition.  I have promised the littles that we will decorate for Christmas.  That should be fun.  I've never hung lights up outside.  It can't be that hard.  We shall find out.

Progress

When we moved to the apartment my friend Michael gave us a nice leather couch. Almost three years later and it is still a nice leather couch, but needed a cleaning.  Littles tend to do that.  But it was completely still functional and no rips or tears in the leather.  So I posted it on a facebook sell page and it was gone that day.  It went to another young family in need of a couch.  It made me happy to be able to pass it on.
Now the apartment is really starting to look empty.  All the wall pictures and art came down weeks ago after Mike told me about the neighbor wanting a picture of my picture wall.  That was just creepy and made me appreciate the fringe benefits of our moving all the more.
Audrie wanted to know why all the food stuff was on the counter.  I was up on the chair and pulled everything out of the baking cupboard.  I don't plan on baking so it needs to be packed.  She was right though.....it made a big mess on the cupboard.  So, just for her, I put it all in a box and its ready to go and we can see the counter again.  ;p
We are in to the final countdown.  Need to check on a uhaul.  I have a plan and I think it will work.  One morning to move all the furniture in one trip.  Will be greatly worth the price of the uhaul.  I have a neighbor lined up to help me load the queen bed.  Other than that I don't think I need any help.  I didn't have any moving in, except for the bed.
Looking forward to no longer living in limbo.  I think I have given everyone enough time to start processing the changes.  And here is to future plans.

Last Mowing of the Season

The littles and I went over to Grammy's and got the last mowing of the season done.  Apparently it takes me two days to do that.  The intention was to do it Sunday afternoon.  The sun was shining in the morning so I took the gas can with to buy some gas.  By the time we got back that afternoon it was raining and raining.  Oy.
Move forward to no rain when I got off work today.  Didn't feel like mowing but had to take advantage of the weather.  And so we did it.  The littles were only a little annoying to Grammy.  ;p
And the yard looks ten times better.  Phoebe only escaped twice.  She is getting to be a much better dog about not running off when she gets the chance.  She just goes outside and sees what we are doing and then goes back in.

Family Dinner For Birthday

Family Dinner rolled around again.  We had pizza and cupcakes.  Cupcakes seem to be the thing we are doing this fall.  The little woman picked and then she decorated them.  They turned out quite nice.  Uncle Pat brought them glow sticks and Grammy gave her a Shopkin Ice Cream Truck with some new shopkins.  I have no way to explain shopkins other than they are little pieces of things you would buy in a store but they have faces. She was very happy.  It was a quiet celebration and that is how the little woman seems to like it.  No singing.  Well there was singing but not at the cupcake time.  Funny girl.