Jorge's Margarita Factory

Pat took me out for dinner.  We were going to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but we couldn't find a parking spot.  So we headed up to Jorge's and had Mexican food.  We each had a margarita as is our norm for going out for Mexican.  

We talked about estates, Mom, the littles, Mike and Cassie.  Wondered if we were ever going to make it to Vegas.  Time to bug our sister about that.  

He gave me a sleeping bag.  We realized I now have to get my own stuff because Dave kept all of ours.  And I won't be able to borrow it anymore.  So now I have started and I have a bag.  I better get cracking on that if we are camping at Sargent's Island this summer.  

See Saw

It was another beautiful day although not quite as warm.  Audrie wanted to go to a park with a see saw.  So we did.  They played and made some friends again.  I loved how Connor worked the older girls to help him get up on stuff that he can certainly do himself.  Funny boy.  Then both littles joined some older boys playing basketball.  Again I was amazed at how the bigger boys just rolled with it and let the littles play and try to shoot hoops.  They should sleep well tonight.

Sad Song

Yesterday on the way to work "Cats in the Cradle" came on.  I got all teary eyed.  Still amazing to me since I don't cry.  Dave always felt that song defined how he raised his children.  And it did.  He was much too busy working and making a living to play at being daddy. He missed out.

Gorgeous Day

Sixty degree day in the middle of winter gets us a trip to the park.  And they played and played and played.  Made friends.  Connor wanted up on the rock.  So with a little help from Nana he got to the top.  Then he got scared and couldn't move.  Stayed up there for quite awhile and couldn't be coaxed to an edge to be helped down.  Finally a dad from the playground offered help and Connor let him.  Bet he doesn't want to go up again soon.  We played follow the leader around the playground.  Audrie wanted to lead us onto the structure but Nana wasn't up for that.
After we got home they had a quiet night.  Got to love that.

Japanese Maple

Because we love them and because they don't get too tall.  I have chosen a new Japanese Maple to be  Dave's tree.  Tanya and I had talked about planting his tree in her yard, but I don't think so.  Since it will be a tree that only gets about 15 feet tall or so it can go in Mom's yard back where the dogwood was.
It is my tree, my tradition, and my man. I should be able to get another one for a decent price at the garden show in April.  That is where I got the rest of them.  We planted two of them in "our yard".  The first one didn't survive Dave and a winter.  The second one lives beautifully.  Hopefully the third one will also.

We're Lowlife

For almost a year there has been a recliner in our cage.  The neighbor upstairs scavenged it from an apartment that got vacated.  Due to the amount of stuff in the upstairs apartment there was no room for it there.  So it sat down here looking lowlife....like people who put couches on their porch.
Well it disappeared last week.  Amazing. Maybe had something to do with the state stepping in and helping the upstairs neighbors get better organized.  Wish that state guy luck because they are hoarders.  Anyway the chair is gone.  Yay!
Walk out of our apartment and there is a shopping cart.  Wait....what? Yup.  We are still lowlifes.  I took that cart and put it on the side of the building.  Just slightly annoyed.

Trusts

Who knew there was so much work involved on getting things set up?  I thought totally easy peasy taking over Dave's brothers' trusts.  Not quite so.  I have been on the phone several times getting things straightened out and ready to roll. Didn't help when there was a glitch on the investment side. Still not all the way there, but getting closer.
I set up spread sheets so I can monitor better what I'm doing and when.  I'm all set up online to be able to do things without getting tons of mail.  Feels good to finally be making some progress.  And then after all this I get to turn around and do the taxes.  And unfortunately this year I get to do it all from scratch since previous copies of the taxes were never given to me after they were taken from Dave's house.

Reprieve

Mike's trial got postponed until next month.  He gave me an explanation but it totally went in one ear and out the other.  So Feb 2nd he should know if the charges get dismissed.  Then on Feb 9 he has another court date on his escape charge from way back when.  If the charges get dismissed on the 2nd he will be out on the 9th.
So I have a reprieve before I have to start dealing with him on a more constant basis.  If he can come here and maintain I will be fine.  I'm just worried about what happens if he doesn't.  I no longer have my support of Dave in all decisions that I make regarding Mike.  Easy good decisions are no problem.  We also now have to figure out what our new family dynamics are like.  So I am a bit apprehensive.  He says he has a possible job lined up.  And that would be good.
Maybe I won't have to make the drive to Wenatchee.  The week the 9th falls in I am busy with returns at work.  I really am not looing forward to the ten hour drive.  And then dang....I just looked at a calender and the 9th is Monday and I'm suppose to have that day off before returns.  So I will be making the trip afterall if he is released.

Stepping

Belinda and I are just going at it.  I have made my goal of ten thousand steps every day.  This week I upped my goal to eleven thousand steps a day.  I also added in eight flights of stairs up and down every day.  Today Connor went with me twice on my circuits around our building.  Good for him.  He holds my hand and talks to me the whole way. 

Belinda's fiance joined us in our endeavor.  We can't really tell how much he walks though.  When he takes the fitbit with him in the truck it thinks it is walking.  So he is averaging like sixty thousand steps in his count.  Belinda says he is cheating.  

Picture People Again

Picture People ran this really cool small package coupon for last weekend.  Ten dollars got you an 8x10. two 5x7s and eight wallets.  I thought about it and then passed.  Well they extended the coupon through this weekend and I changed my mind.  They change so fast and I really want to document it.  And I could afford $10.
So off we went to the mall.  Naturally both kids fell asleep in the car.  Didn't surprise me that Connor did, but Audrie usually doesn't.  We were a little early so they had time to wake up and we still got done much earlier than expected.  Both kids behaved super well and cooperated greatly.  We had excellent pictures to choose from.  Audrie chose this one.  It was in my top three but probably not the one I would have picked.  But for $10 she can pick.
It may be jinxing it but maybe, just maybe we are done with the serious acting out from Papa's illness and death.

Book "My Life is Drama"

Sandy keeps telling me I need to use my writings and write a book.  She likes the way I put things in my blog and I could see using it as a primer.  She thinks it could be inspirational to other people living as co-dependent in addiction and alcoholism.  Kind of like "Beautiful Boy" was.  I didn't agree with everything that father did, but I found his story worth telling.
This place is a daily struggle.  I was actually accused lately of making my own drama.  I don't need to make drama, although I do on occasion precipitate a crisis to make a change.   I find the people who say that are the ones who have their own agendas and issues and really doesn't have much to do with me.  And when that is said and the person steps out...a little bit of drama leaves.  Of course it isn't long and another piece fills in the hole.
This place is fluid.  People come and go.  I have met some super fantastic people over the years and dragged Dave with me.  He was much more introverted than me, but he did enjoy some of the people we met.  Family have come and gone.  Friends have come and gone.  I figure there is always a reason for the people in my life, just like there is always a reason for them leaving.
This place is never boring.  Alcoholism.  Addiction.  Co-dependence.  Illness.
Children.  Grandchildren.  Family.  Life.  My life is drama.

One Day This Week

Today was my one day to work this week.  Always feels so strange to go into our lull.  I spent most of the day doing pre-inventory work for Michael.  Got to counts lots of things out in the old warehouse and get it set for when they come through and do the count for prism.  I spent the last bit picking up packages from central and doing a delivery.
When I got home I realized I had the cart key on my wrist.  Dang.  I was happy Liz said I could bring it in tomorrow.

Sad For My Child

So it seems the reason why Mike can't have anything of his dad's is because he might sell it and use the money to fund his drug addict lifestyle. He has already had too many cell phones so he has already proven that he only wants his dad's to sell.  And maybe so. So he is told the electronics are all being sold.  And look since they are sold by Doug instead of Mike then Mike can't use that money to buy drugs.
Well I have news for everyone.  If Mike wants drugs....he knows where to get them.  And not letting him have something because he might buy drugs...is stupid.  If he wants them he will get them regardless.  This doesn't stop Mike from it.
Maybe it is about setting boundaries.  Hmmm.  Nah.  It is about control.  Doug is an alcoholic and he gets to use his inheritance to buy booze.  No one is trying to stop him from his drug of choice. And of course he knows best......he knows how to fix Mike. We'll start by making him feel like trash when we take him to the house and follow him around like a guard because he might steal something.  Even though that would be stealing from himself.  And then we won't let him have anything because he might make a bad choice.  That will fix him.  Can't buy drugs without currency.  The alcoholic is definitely superior to the addict.  At least in this instance he controls the purse strings and by golly he is going to make sure that things are done  his way.  We are going to treat the addict like an addict and not a person.

When Mike was here before Dave died Dave had him work for him.  And he paid him in cash.  He wasn't so worried about whether Mike was going to make a bad choice or not.  That is Mike's path and Mike's choices to make.  And Dave had come to that place of realizing that.  Mike did not steal anything when no one was looking.  He was working on mending his relationships even if he hadn't found recovery yet.  I'm glad that he and Dave found an understanding of each other.

So would Mike sell the stuff if he actually got a used cell phone and a used refurbished mini ipad?  Maybe.  Probably if he is using and the need becomes bad enough.  The little bit that Mike might inherit is already set to be locked up in a trust and with a provision that Mike pass a drug test before he gets any of it.  Dave had already protected him as best he could.  And now Doug thinks he needs to take that one step further and not let him have those two items or anything else saleable.  I feel really really sad for Mike.  He lost his dad.  And his brother is more concerned about things than how Mike might feel when he is told he can't have anything............but brother knows best.....nah....father knows best and dad would have let him have those things in this case.  Because Mike is his son and they are the only two things Mike asked for.

Oy My Bad

LOL. Working on my list of things to do today. One of them being to find my car title.  So when we got divorced I paid the excise taxes to change the property deeds.  So Dave decided he would pay to change the titles of the vehicles over and he did his two.  He still got the better end of that deal.  He couldn't do mine because it was going to be only in my name and I needed to be there.  So he gave me the car title and left it at that.
I was annoyed because he left me to pay for transferring mine own over when we had a deal.  And then I am a procrastinator and that $37 could be better spent anywhere else.  And I truly didn't care if he got the car later down the road.  My will still left everything to him so why not the car.
Leap forward to today.  My desk is almost cleaned off.  I have pulled a whole grocery sack of recycles off of it and the table.  Lots of stuff I didn't need to keep anymore.  I was getting worried because I hadn't come across that title yet.  And then lo and behold I found it put safely in a good spot.  When I opened it up inside there was $37.  Hahahahahahaha. Thanks Dave.  I know that money wasn't there when I stashed the title away.

Fitting It All In

We had six days off from work and care house/pre-school.  We managed to do everything I wanted to do.  Art ala Carte, Dizzy Castle and a river walk.  We also got a couple of other walks in, family dinner and Grammy's house.  Taking advantage of our lull at work.  I'm just amazed that we got it all done.
We have another string of days off right after I work a day.  No plans other than possibly going to Wenatchee to pick up Daddy.

River Walk With Bits and Pieces

I decided that today was a great day for a river walk.  Usually we start down by the bridge. Thought we would change it up and started by the water resource center.  Very quiet up at the end.  We only saw five people.  Met one dog named Tory.  Saw lots of geese and ducks.  Good thing the ducks were out in the river so we didn't have to see if Connor wanted to chase them.  Both kids had a good time throwing rocks in the river because that is what you do at the river.  We walked two miles.  Audrie did the whole way and Connor almost.  That is a good long walk for little legs.

On the way home I decided that it really is time to take Dave off my car title.  Now I just have to find it.  Up until now there was no big deal on it.  I had no problem with him getting it if something happened to me.
Time to go make a new will.  I keep talking about it.  Now it is time to do it. Having gone through what I have gone through with Dave's death has made me make some changes to my plan.  I have had my eyes opened to a lot of things and how they affect the long term.  I don't need trusts.  If their parents blew through the money that would just be the way it is.  But I don't think Cassie would.  I think she would use the money for what it was intended.
Belinda and I are doing well on our 10,000 step challenge thing we are doing.  I have hit my 10,000 steps every day since I started except the first day that was a half day.  Still looking for that day I can beat her 18,000 step day.
Audrie actually talked about Papa last night.  Connor tells me most nights how he is mad.  She is always quiet.  Well last night she said she didn't like it that he left without us.  So much processing going on all the time.  Glad she is starting to talk about it.

Art Ala Carte Vancouver

Felt like a good day to go make some art.  I have been wanting to get over to Art Ala Carte even since they opened the Vancouver branch.  Finally had a free day when nothing else was going on.  We had a voucher and used that so it only costed us $6 to go in and make art.  I also brought them a big stack of cut cardboard.  The lady working commented that it was already all cut to the right sizes, but it must not have been enough to get the discount that bringing supplies gets you.
My very first impression was not good.  Felt very chaotic and we were lost in the crowd.  It is a bigger space than when Audrie and I went to Portland.  But when we went to Portland over a year ago we were given a brief tour.  Not today.  So we dug in and found things to do.  They enjoyed themselves.  I did notice that Connor found a corner for awhile and played very quietly with some playdoh.  Not sure if he was overwhelmed or just wanted to play with the playdoh.
After playdoh and painting they got to gluing.  Not sure what if anything they were making.  I was impressed with Connor's gluing skills.  He must glue at day care because he did great.
I had contemplated a membership, but I'm not sure now.  Maybe we will just do art at home.  We will probably give them another try on another day and hope it is not so busy.  I did notice that other people got much more help once Aria, the owner, got there.

Family Dinner X 2

We are on a roll.  Had our second family dinner in 2015.  Scalloped potatoes with ham, salad, peaches and Hawaiian rolls.  Went over in a big way.  There were no leftovers.  Mom thought I should have made more.  I think I made the right amount.  We all got fed and enjoyed it.
We already planned the next one for two weeks and we will have pizza.  Everyone is in agreement that there be no mushrooms on the pizza.
It's good to spend time as a family.  And breaking bread together is good as well.

Shirts to Bears to the Littles

Betty made bears for the littles out of a couple of Papa's shirts.  And while the littles did not seem overjoyed, they will be.  They are very nice bears and should hold up a long time.  I am greatly appreciative of how thoughtful Betty was to do it.  Now the littles have something of Papa's in a way that they can appreciate.  

Steps and Puddles

It was a rainy day and I didn't feel like trying to fight with the littles to do a walk.  Makes getting those 10000 steps a little harder.  So I make trips around the building.  Four trips equal about 1000 steps.  After doing that and getting kind of bored I asked them if they wanted to go jump in some puddles.  Let's make use of those boots that Papa got them for their birthdays.  And they loved it.  Jump, jump, jump.  And then the rain started in earnest.  So that ended the puddle jumping for today.  And I will get my 10000 steps in.  Now to set a goal of beating Belinda's 18000 step day.  Oy.

Appreciative

This whole situation with Dave and his estate so makes me appreciate the things I did before.  Every day I am so happy that I have Grandma's set of white corelle dishes.  Thanks again to Betty for letting me have them.  I am looking at my little decorative pitchers and am so glad I took them when I moved, along with some old time canning jars.   I have the buttons that I received from Grandma's house.  This is all stuff that maybe I should have left with Dave since she was his grandmother, but it was stuff given to me.  And someday, maybe, possibly, I will be able to pass them down Mike's line.  Because she was his grandmother also.  All these things that are important to me.
And I am so happy and feel blessed that I have them.  And I know they are just things.  But they are our reminder of the great woman who was a very big part of my life.

Back to the Castle

The littles and I went back to Dizzy's Castle today.  We haven't been for awhile again and it is raining. They played for two hours.  I made it almost 45 minutes.  My knees definitely are telling me about it.  But they are nice and calm now so it was a good choice.  Connor went all the way to the top today and did the big slide and he also figured out how to get into Dizzy and look out the round window.

Playground Jaunt

I wanted to get a walk in because the sun was shining.  Gorgeous day and I didn't want to waste it.  So we started off and then they needed a bike and a scooter.  Unfortunately the bike lost a training wheel about half way to the park.  Oy.  So Nana got to push it the rest of the way and all of the way home.  Most of that time there was a child on the bike.  The scooter didn't make it three blocks before it too was pushed by Nana.  Methinks in the future the wheels aren't coming along.
So Cresap Park is a quiet little neighborhood park about a mile away from our house.  We played for an hour.  Part of the time in bare feet.  Barefeet work better when you want to climb slides backwards.  Then we walked around the pond that is there.  Connor thought perhaps he would  not like to fall in that pond (maybe he learned something at Wildlife Safari).
Then on the way back he broke my heart.  Wanted to know if I could fix Sissy's bike and I said "no". So he told me that Papa could fix it with a screwdriver when he is better.  Sorry buddy.  Guess we are still on a long road for understanding and processing.
It was a beautiful walk even if Nana had to work hard.

Fitbit

Belinda got a fitbit zip for Christmas.  She wore it when we were working bag check. She wanted to see how many steps we took and the calories burnt from that.  We didn't walk all that many steps.  Probably because we were in a small space.
But it inspired me and I got one of my own.  Found a great deal online with free shipping.  Ha.  Had to pay the post office almost $5 to get my package.  Anyway I set it up and put it on late in the day.  I managed to walk almost 6000 steps in that time.
Belinda had said if she goes for a walk she has no problem hitting that 10000 step goal.  I believe her.  I took a walk before picking up the kids.  Loved the tally of how far I walked.  1.98 miles and over 4200 steps.
It is a little bit of a motivator and I needed one.  And I love that it actually works.  We used to have a manual pedometer but it didn't work very well.  Now I just have to entice Belinda to a competition of how long we can take 10000 steps a day.

Wind Out of My Sails

Again.  For some reason Dave changed his beneficiary on his IRA and gave it all to Doug.  I know it was not what he wanted, but it is what he did.  My understanding is that won't even pass through probate, but go directly to Doug.  So the littles just had their share cut by 2/3.  At least they have many years for what is left to possibly grow into enough for college.
Sure would be interested to know who gave Dave the advice to do that.  Whoever it was obviously didn't know what they were doing unless it was Doug.  So I hope Doug enjoys it.  He should get over his little childish jealousy now.  Karma baby.  It will come.  Just hope I get to hear about it.

Down Day

After our trip to Wildlife Safari and the long drive we took a down day.  Just stayed home and in all day.  Kind of wasted the sunshine, but we just didn't have any motivation to do anything.  Got some more stinkies watched.  And they played with each other and mostly nicely.  Just a quiet peaceful day.

Away

Liz told me getting away was going to do me good.  And it did.  It was just a day down and back but it felt so good to break the routine.  Get away from all the stupidness and pettiness.  Those animals at the Wildlife Safari were amazing.  And I am still in awe at our timing on it.  All cats awake and doing something spectacular.  We all had the best time, including Mom.  She had wanted to go for a long time also and now got to go.
Her funniest comment......didn't I just love having two little kids and one old person who is a kid.  Yup.

Wildlife Safari

We made it to the Wildlife Safari.  The outing that was planned happened, although not the way it was planned.  We are pretty sure Dave was with us every bit of the way.  The weather was perfect.  There were very few people going through when we did.  We got to see some absolutely cool things.
And then there is the story of the pond.  Connor ran off to chase ducks.  I kept telling him not to and rounding him up.  Well he didn't listen to me and ran to the other side of the pond with the duck.  Next thing I know we hear him freaking out.  He had fallen in the pond.  Standing up he was in water to his butt.  I took a picture first and then helped him out.  He agreed that perhaps in the future he won't chase ducks and fall in ponds.
After doing the walk part we got in the car and did the drive part.  Got to the lion area and sat there for a good fifteen minutes watching this male lion work like heck to get part of a carcass off a chain.  And then he did.  The other three lions made a grab for the chunk he didn't have.  There was growling and fighting and then kind of a truce.  The big lion took his piece way up to the corner of the enclosure.  We could not have timed that better and have never seen it close up.
We drove by lots of birds and animals.  We realized that the dangerous animals were still in enclosures, like the cats and the bears.
We didn't have to wait for very many animals on the road.  Audrie did get a little apprehensive though when an ostrich sauntered up to the car and looked like it was going to poke its head in her window.  He just wanted to say hello.
And then we got to the cat area.  Oh my.  The cheetahs were gorgeous.  But nothing compared to the Sumatran Tigers.  That face.  Again our timing was perfect.  They had an encounter group who got to stand by the fence while they fed the cats through the fence.  Well we were parked right by the fence so got to see it all without the price tag attached to it.  Absolutely fabulous.
And so my littles have a great memory.  I have a great memory. Because creating memories is what is all about.

Dream

Dave has been in my dreams a lot.  Just in them.  Well last night I finally dreamed that he came back from the dead.  Not in a zombie way.  He just came back.  He had something he had to do before returning to the dead.  So we visited ADS and I was hoping to freak David out.  And then we were in the yard and I dug up an iris and wanted to dig up some of the marionberries.  Decided I better ask Dave about that.  He was fine with it.
Seems like I always have at least one dream where my loved one comes back.  Usually I'm trying to hide them because people won't understand.  My mind works in funny ways.

Well

So our wonderful Apple Health had sent out mail that things were changing.  And I rolled with it.  Wasn't going to be happy if the kids had to change drs. but if so......So the new insurance cards came and they still have their dr.  I got switched to someone not taking new patients.  OK.  But I finally had an address to go online and look at stuff and it looks like I may be able to switch to Vancouver Clinic because I am an established patient there.  Then I thought......let's look at eye drs.
Lo and behold Retina Northwest is listed.  So when my PIC reoccurs I will be able to go there and not worry so much about the $800 price tag on each injection.  That is a relief.
I think I am going to make some calls next week and see what the process is.  I would rather know beforehand than try and play catch up if I need to.

Sad, Laughing

I was going through some of my digital pictures.  Found a lot of the videos that Dave had made.  Still in awe and amazement at him being a first time parent.  I know he fathered three kids, but he never made that parenting connection until the littles.  He spent his youth and his childrens' youth working to provide.  By the time these two came he had more time.  And he was such a first time parent.  And he felt such joy in it.  Especially after we moved and he got to enjoy the good parts and not the 24/7 parts.  So cautious and careful.  I'm much more laid back.  Having done it two times before I'm not so worried about all the small stuff.
And so the pictures made me laugh and made me sad.  All the things he did with them that he did.  They were things I'm not going to do.  No way am I taking them into the river for swimming.  And I don't do snow much so no sledding with Nana.  We are all going to miss him for a long long time to come.

Mystery Solved

So when I dropped off the kids at daycare yesterday Cindy stopped me.  She got notification from the state that my day care ends Monday.  Wait...what?  I had just got the re-application form in the mail and actually planned on filling it out on my break and getting it in.  So I rushed home and tried calling.  Well after half an hour of frustration I finally got a human who couldn't hear me, but she told me to call back later as they were having issues with their phone line. Naturally.  So I filled out the paperwork and added some to the employer verification that I had faxed in before Christmas.  Faxed it all in.
There was no point in calling when I got off work.  If you don't call before 3 don't bother.  So this morning I called too early, but transferred to the answer phone which told me everything was approved and fine.  I have new days for Jan. and then 23 days for each month of the next year.  Whew.
Then I checked the mail.  There was a notification about losing the daycare on Monday.  Seems they didn't like that Liz hadn't put actual times on my work schedule.  She just wrote varies.  And they didn't like that.  Well yesterday that was one of the things I fixed because I compared it to the one from the year before.  And when I faxed yesterday I wanted to make sure they had everything they needed.
So I'm good for another year.  Thank goodness.  One crisis at a time.  Glad this was a small one and easily fixed.

Haha

So today Doug sends me two texts.  The first telling me how well Minnie is doing and the second was a picture of her and his dogs waiting to be told it is okay to eat.  And my very first thought is......this isn't from the attorney.  Seriously?
I know he saw the attorney yesterday and maybe she told him to make nice.  I don't know.  Things go a lot easier if you aren't so busy trying to keep things "safe" and secret.  But it's his ball game. I'm just the one person who can answer an awful lot of questions.  But since he doesn't want that..........

Visits

My good friend Lucy told me to be aware and I will notice visits from Dave.  And the first one we noticed was the DVD player acting up at Mom's.  Then my phone keeps flashing at me, especially on days of more stress.  No there have been no calls and no new texts.  Just my blue light telling me I have a message of some sort.  So I think thanks for being here with me Dave.
Now I know it is probably all just coincidence and not really Dave visiting.  It's all good either way.  I get the peace that it brings.  People get to believe what they want to believe.  And since I have had visits from the dead.......

Letting It Ride

Saw the attorney and she told me that Doug FINALLY had an appt. with her to start probate.  She assured me she would keep him on task and doing it correctly.  Said he obviously had no clue as to what he was doing.  So we will sit back and see how it goes.
I no longer expect to get anything more from the estate whether it be because we would like it or because it is ours.  I no longer have any expectations to be treated like a member of the family by Doug.  I came to the realization that he really doesn't like me.  I think I have known it for awhile but always pretended differently for Dave.  And then I realized that I really don't like him.  And I no longer have to pretend.  I just have to get along until I don't.  Dave was the important person in my life.  And I have all the memories of our life.

Till Death Do Us Part and Maybe Even After

Married at twenty.  And married for a long time.  Still feel married.  Legally divorced.  Didn't mean we still didn't have a marriage relationship.  We were still in a relationship.  We were still raising kids and doing it together.  We were still helping each other and talking.  We didn't get divorced to start new relationships.  Dave didn't want to get divorced.  I wanted the legal aspect to protect assets. We lived apart that last two years and I think we were happier that way.  Dave got to do the things he claimed he never could find the time to do.  He got to buy the toys he wanted without input.  And he saw us all the time.
Legally I was divorced, but really I was still married.
And so here I am.  Legally divorced.  Not married, not widowed.  Without Dave.  And he is gone.  So we did make it to death do us part.  I never expected it to be so young. And while it is starting to feel real, it still feels surreal at the same time.  I wonder how long I will feel this.

I'm Funny

Yeah I always have been.  But I don't show it all the time.  Today wasn't as busy as yesterday, but we still had a lot of people.  Belinda and I worked mostly in bags again and again we were tired.  It slowed down and she went on her break.  We had almost all the bags gone.  When she came back I was almost half full again.  Told her I got busy while she was gone and she said good work.  I commented back that it wasn't that bad and it was all one bag at a time (play on one day at a time).  A student was standing there and she said "oh, you're funny."  Yes, yes I am sometimes and that is what I said.
I do notice I tend to be funnier when I get tired.  It is kind of that rummy feeling and it runs my mouth.  I don't think about it, just say it.

First Day of Winter Rush 2015

Man.  We got used to financial aid being disbursed early.  This year it was disbursed on Friday which is later than it has been.  So rush kind of starts that day.  So today was the first day of classes and a lot of people passed through the bookstore.  We had to stop the store several times.  I swear over half of the backpacks were heavy.  I mean heavy.  We are used to lifting 50 pound boxes so it is saying something when Belinda and I both complained at the end of the day.
I got a laugh.  Belinda got Belinda'd today.  Some guy thanked her for all her help and used her name.  I couldn't help but laugh and then I told her that is why I use Nathan as my name.  I don't have to wonder if I know someone who is calling me by name.
I met Sherman today.  He is a working dog and he isn't suppose to meet people, but he insisted he was meeting me and gave me a kiss.  He was a good dog.
I got asked multiple times about my name tag. A couple of times I was asked if I had borrowed it.  I said nope.  It is mine and I named myself.

My Poor Boy

Almost every night now he tells me how he is angry with Papa.  That he doesn't like that Papa died.  he just wants him to get better so he can sit on his lap.  Tough, tough stuff.  All I can do is comfort him and agree with him.  I feel those things also.  I think this wound is going to take a long time to heal.

First Family Dinner 2015

We had our first family dinner of 2015.  We got off our every other week schedule due to Christmas and whatnot.  So back at it.  It was simplicity tonight with spaghetti, salad and garlic bread.  Grammy opted not to join us saying she was too tired.
Connor brought over his new construction set hoping to have Uncle Pat help him build something.  But there were too many cooks in the kitchen so nothing got built.  The kids just had a good time playing with the pieces.  Gave them something a little different to do.

Whew

Zaysha was around today so I utilized her in babysitting.  I get my errands done so much quicker without the littles.  So three boxes to the goodwill.  One package to Cassie mailed.  WIC check used at Fred Meyers.  While there I picked up some food (imagine that), some towels, an extension cord to use with my mini shopvac and a container for the frig to try and get snacks organized.  Didn't make it to the bank but that is all right.  I haven't made it to the bank since last year.  ;P
Came home and got it all put away and now it feels like nap time.  The boy is already down.

Almost Two Days

Well maybe not.  I had a package to mail.  I had to pay the co-pay for day care.  I could say those things aren't part of my annual see how long I can go without spending money.  But my brother needed tires and found a good deal on a pair of used ones.  Truck tires are expensive.  So I bought the tires and called it his very early birthday present.  He gets the next pair with his overtime and then he should be good.  Got to have good tread for winter driving.
So I almost made it two days for my annual fun.  It's all good though.  The reason for doing it is starting the year off being aware of where money goes.  We get pretty complacent.  And it is just a reminder that it can slip through your fingers pretty quickly if you aren't watching it.

Response

Oy did I get one.  And that is ok.  Everything now will go through the attorney....whenever they get around to going and seeing her.  Again I was accused of having the will.  Oh not that I stole it but that I have an unauthorized copy.  Whatever the hell that means.  Said the attorney can determine what I am entitled to get and know about as far as Audrie and Connor.  And that no one gets anything now until probate is done.  Wonder if that means they will take back the things they already took from the house? Probably not.
And all I feel is relief.  Like a great big weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I'm am so tired of being accused of things that aren't true.  And now I won't be.

Done

Well my plan to go along to get along didn't bear fruit.  After Kristie accused me of stealing their griller thing I let it go.  Said I didn't.  Tired of being accused.
So I texted a happy new year and got no response back.  Not even a thank  you or whatever.  So I'm done.  After several hours I texted her again and said since she obviously didn't believe me and is acting accordingly that I would too.  Said to leave the last of the things I'm suppose to pick up out for me and that my list is with the attorney.  Said I expect an answer of that stuff but not based on their assumption of me stealing their griller. And I expect a full accounting of the estate as the guardian of Audrie and Connor who are the major heirs.  And that I hope they are being fair to them.  And to be respectful of what Dave would have wanted.
Then I went of facebook and unfriended because I don't want to see their posts anymore.  I don't think they need to see mine.  And it seemed like the right thing to do for now.  I may pay for that, but I got most of my stuff anyway.  Bet I don't get my paperwork now.  I'm not sure I ever was going to get it.

Today

The first day of 2015.  Hoping for good things.  Which is not to say that all of 2014 was bad.  We had some good things.
Yurting at Ft. Steven's with Grammy and Daddy.
Beach trip when the Mini broke down and Papa Dad and Josh rescued us. Breakfast at Pig n Pancake.
Our long weekend in Minnesota to meet family and see Uncle Glen.
Jazzlynn being born and then coming out here with Mommy to visit for Audrie's birthday.
Visiting fisheries and parks and playgrounds.  Going to Sergeant's Island and seeing Pat and Deion.
Lots of work and carehouse and all the joy those bring.
Birthday parties, the reptile show, the zoo and the children's museum.

It kind of puts things in perspective of you can't have all good.  But there is enough good to help offset the really bad in 2014.
So today;
I am grateful for the joy and wonder the littles bring to my world.
I am grateful for a roof over our heads.
I am grateful for the job that I continue to love and the growth it is affording to me.
I am grateful for Mom and how hard this journey is.  We take her as we find her and love her.
I am grateful for my siblings who support me in multiple ways.  The littles would be lost without Uncle Pat.  With Papa Dad gone and Daddy off in Wenatchee, Uncle Pat is their biggest male role model.
I am thankful for all the experiences that I can give to the littles.  We  live in an amazing area with lots of things to experience.
I am grateful to the state of Washington and all the help they give me.
I am thankful for all my safety nets.
I am grateful that Cassie is getting it together and it gives me hope for Mike.
I am grateful for my child and realize that his journey is not mine.  Thankful every day he is with us and on this earth.
I am grateful for the continuing opportunities to practice patience and ahimsa.
I appreciate all my blessings and hope for a much less sad year in 2015.