New Year's Eve

We got some drive thru McDonald's and then took it to the park by Who Song and Larry's.  We watched planes landing.  We watched trains hustling down the tracks.  We watched the water moving.  And it was so quiet and nice.  Just the three of us. 
Came home and are now winding down.  Watching a little Netflix on the TV and we will be out long before midnight. 

Swimming Suits

It must be time for the stores to bring in the swimming suits.  We went shopping for snow gear locally and could not find much.  We bought the last two pairs of kids snow boots at Walmart.  Both boys.  That does not make my girl happy.  But she would be more unhappy with wet cold feet. 
Found some bibs online, but there is no way they could be shipped in time for this weekend.  Oy.
Then someone said something about craigslist.  So I checked and lo and behold there were one of each on there.  The one for a girl would have been iffy depending on how roomy it was.  Turns out that one was for sale in northwest Portland.  Now to me Jantzen Beach is northwest Portland.  Nope.  Think Pearl District.  I was so excited to have to drive over there and then back during rush hour. 
Well my friend Michael made a call to Kidz Cloz in town and she had two in each particular size I needed.  I already had a meet set for the boys so I kept that and then bought the girls in town.  No drive to Portland tonight. 
So we have coats, gloves, bibs and boots.  I have tons of scarves.  And we have a ride.  And if the ride falls through I will just suck it up and drive us, but I think we are set.  Don't know what my friend Doug is going to think when I tell him that Audrie has decided to tell people he is my boyfriend.  I think she and I need to have a little chat about what a boyfriend is.  Too funny. 

Snow

I've been watching Silver Star and it is just covered in snow.  A very good amount up there.  And it makes me want to take the littles up to some and play in it.  There won't be any more sledding on the hill at Papa's house.  And so I have to fill that void. 
There are a few obstacles though.  The first being snow wear.  Audrie did just get a coat so that is taken care of.  They need bibs, boots and gloves though.  And then we need a ride.  I'm pretty sure my car will not do well in snow.  The mini would have, but since we no longer have that one.....
The weather forecasts sounds like it could be a great weekend for it.  So here is hoping I get past the obstacles and get to take lots of pictures of the littles in snow. 

Now What?

So we have decided to stick it out here.  It has quieted down this week so maybe we are settling into a routine that we all can live with.  But while we are sticking it out to see if it will work I am in limbo.  Do I keep integrating our households or do we stay status quo in case we move in a month?  I don't know what to do.  Betting that I keep integrating and maybe that will be what keeps us here. 
Always watching and looking for work arounds to keep the noise level and chaos at a minimum.

2015 Winding Down

2015 is quickly coming to a close.  There have been a lot of ups and downs.  A lot of changes.  A lot of learning and growing  The biggest change was moving.  The hardest change was living without Dave.  But we did it and we have survived all of it. 
Audrie is growing in leaps and bounds with kindergarten.  She is practicing letters and their sounds all the time.  That in turn means Connor is also.  He never has to invent the wheel. 
Watching them grow and interact and learn warms my heart.  I love when their faces light up as they grasp new things.  Lately we have been discussing weddings and kissing and dresses.  I think my girly girl is starting to plan hers already. 
My personal world has shrunk and grown in unexpected ways.  Nice to finally find a friend to do grown up stuff with.  Sad that I allowed my world to be so taken up in the past that I lost a lot of myself.  Working on finding me and expanding my world.  So I again thank all those who I reconnected with from my past who reminded me of who I was and still am somewhere in the person I became.
So as this year winds down I am thankful for all the lessons.  I am thankful for the changes good and bad.  I am nothing if not a survivor and a bit of a sociopath.  And I have accepted that.  And now to start planning 2016 as much as it can be planned because I have learned that life always throws me a curve ball. 

Breakfast

I invited my friend Doug to coffee and he changed it to breakfast.  We met at a little hole in the wall called Lisa's Country Kitchen.  We had a nice breakfast, mediocre coffee, great conversation and visited with some friends of his.  Hid deal is he really hates chain restaurants.  So that is why he picked this place.  He was right....it was a much better breakfast than we would have had at Shari's. 
It was a nice hour out of the ordinary and a great distraction. 
Thanks for coming out before football, Doug, and for breakfast, coffee, conversation and Illinois planning. 

Keep Trying

After a conversation with Betty, I think we are going to keep trying for a bit longer to make this situation work.  It's not divine, but it is important.  No matter what route I go it is not a great outcome.  So I need to work on finding work arounds to the noise and chaos.  I could use some more patience also, but that seems to be the story of my life.
Actually things have settled down a bit the last week so maybe we are starting to settle in a little better.

And On With It

My application at the new complex got kicked out.  I guess I did something wrong.  So my money was refunded.  I have a paper copy now to fill out.  I intended to do it Wed.  and the first thing I did was forget to get a copy of my pay stub while I was at work.  Clark has changed their website and I can't find it at home.  So I need to do that on Monday.
I plan on filling it out and turning in what I have today.  Need this ball to roll.
Then we have a couple of gifts to deliver that we didn't get done earlier in the week.  And we have the house to clean and Christmas decorations to pack up. 
I think we have a busy day, but the weather looks decent so we might get a walk in to burn off some Christmas energy. 
Our trip to the midwest is booked.  I love the feature of being able to be flexible and letting hipmunk tell you when it is cheapest to fly.  I got tickets for $216 a piece.  Happy happy.  And Cassie is happy she is getting to spend some time with the kids.  And I am happy for them.  They get a week with Mommy and Jazzlynn.  And I get a week off.  Going to see some family, some sights and go for a motorcycle ride as long as I can still get on that bike(did it here so I should be still able to do it there).
In fact my friend Doug invited us to ride with him when he goes to the midwest.  He is going a couple of weeks before us so we are sticking with our plan.  That and he drives like Dave did.  Straight through and fast.  I appreciated the offer but two long days in a vehicle with the littles sounds a lot less fun that flying with them. 
And shall we take bets on whether we get a police escort in Chicago like we did last time in Minneapolis.  I'm betting not since I won't be loaded down with bags and car seats this time.  ;p

A Little Christmas

Santa came and gave each of the kids a present.  Little Miss got a box of animals and the little man got a remote control truck.  He pointed out that it was not a spaceship.  Ah yes he was correct.  But he seemed to get over that disappointment quickly. 
Then we waited for Pat.  Once he came the rest of the gifts got opened.  I remembered to put out the rolls to thaw so we could eat early.  Mom went back to bed after the gifts were opened and slept the rest of the day. 
We enjoyed our meal of ham and cheesy potatoes.  The grapes in the fruit salad were sour so we were picking them out.  Guess I didn't try one of them in the store to make sure they weren't sour.  Nothing disappointing like sour grapes.  We never got to dessert so I guess it shall wait.  Cherry pie.  My favorite. 
The little woman said her best gift was the box of animals.  He said everything.  My personal favorite of theirs is the noise reduced headphones.....no more fighting over the volume of the ipad.  I got my camp stove so we are set for some camping without Uncle Pat, but it is funner to camp with him.  Mom got a beautiful necklace.  Mike got clothes and bath stuff.  Pat made out like usual and got many gifts off his list but the best one was the Vikings cooler with wheels and a handle.  He asked for it back in Sept and I have had it hidden all this time.  It was too big to wrap so it just got wheeled out to him last. ;p

Christmas Eve

The afternoon was spent trying to find Mom's last present for Pat.  We finally succeeded and then hit the grocery store for the fixings for tonight and tomorrow.  I had totally neglected tomorrow until I was at the store tonight and remembered.  Albertson's was more than happy to help me out and take my money.
Since we are such a small group we decided we would do lobster tails.  We had been having Chinese food, but the better of the two places in town closed when the owner died.  So we had garlic mashed potatoes, steamed green beans, and garlic bread in addition to our tails. Pat did a lovely job bbqing those up.  My adventurous eater did not try the lobster though.  I was surprised.  Maybe next time.
Mom had opted to take a nap after her shopping and then she just kept at it.  Seems like that is a new tradition.  Having someone sleep through a holiday meal. 
We watched "Home".  My first impression was that Oh sounded just like Jim Parsons from "The Big Bang Theory".  I was right and I just love him.  And the movie was pretty cute.  The littles sat through most of it without too much squirming and making noise. 

Gift

Betty came by and dropped off a gift bag.  In it was a wrapped gift for the littles and a tin for me.  I figured it must be food the way Phoebe wanted in that bag.  Betty made homemade Reeses.  And they are delicious.  Yeah....there was no waiting for Christmas to dig into those.  And the littles have already eaten an orange. 
The best thing about this gift is the memory it invokes.  Way back in the day when Dave and I were young and more newly married his aunt used to give us a box of mandarin oranges at Christmas.  Back then it was the only time of the year you could buy them in the store.  Ladine said that someone used to do that for her and she was passing it on. And so I was reminded of those happy days.  We loved Ladine so much and our world was lessened when she left it. But we are left with these great tales.
Thank you Betty for the gifts and the memory reminders.  It is a small blessing in my state of sadness right now. 

Santa

The little woman has stood fast with her Santa request.  A box with animals in it and the more the better.  The little man has been not so easy.  He started off not knowing.  Then we were watching TV and he saw an ad for jammies.  He thought Jazzlynn needed some jammies and socks. Well that is exactly what I got her.  And I told him so.  So then he said he needed jammies and socks.  I didn't tell him I had some for him also.  He decided he was going to ask Santa for that.  And he stuck with that for a couple of weeks. 
Then when it came time to actually make his request he pops up with he wanted a remote control spaceship.  Wait...what?  He hasn't even seen Star Wars.  Anyway he said Santa told him to go to the store.  Not sure what that translates into.  So I asked what he wanted if Santa couldn't find a remote control spaceship.  Lucky he said a remote control truck.
Now I looked around a little bit and naturally I missed the good deal I had seen earlier because I thought he wanted jammies and socks.  I'm not spending a hundred bucks on a Santa gift.  So a truck it shall be.  At least the request was made and can't be changed now. ;p

An Experiment

And what an experiment it has been.  We moved in with my mom in the middle of November.  I honestly thought we could make it work after an adjustment period.  I know the littles can be loud, but I thought their quiet times and all the time we are not even here would counter it.  So I gave away my furniture.  Paid all my fees to move and we did it.
And here we are five weeks later and it is not working.  Because of Mom's dementia she does not recognize their quiet time or the time we are gone.  She only dwells on the noise and the dog and the chaos. 
Since my first priority is the littles.....it is time to implement another plan.  I am in the process of looking for a new apartment or place to rent.  The sooner the better.  I have an application in on one but it isn't available until Jan 4.  It is perfect in that it is in BG and the rent is a very doable amount.  But I keep looking in case something else comes up with a quicker move in date. 
It's just another story we will have to tell of our lives.  Remember the time we lived with Grammy for a couple of months?

Slow Down Saturday

We didn't accomplish much today.  We went to the bank and then to the McDonald's with a play place. When we got there we realized one of us didn't have socks.  Good thing Nana had Christmas presents in the trunk.  So little miss got her Monster High socks a little early.  They played for two hours.
Came home and made scalloped potatoes for the grown-ups.  Yum.  Seems like I always make it at this time of the year.  Usually twice.  Right before Christmas.....used to be Christmas Eve when we went to Dave's Grandma's house.  And then after the holiday with leftover ham from Christmas dinner.  I just got a jump on it this year.  ;p
There were lots of things we should have gotten done, but didn't.  And that is just the way it is.  Nothing, but the bank, had to be done.  We just took a slow down Saturday. 

Winter Break Begins

The little woman had her last day of school for 2015.  They decorated gingerbread cookies and had a book exchange.  She brought home a really cool book and we read it right away. 
And now we have a two week break before she returns to school.  Her first day back is also the first day back at college so it will be rush week.  So while she is off the next two weeks from school, I am working hard at last minute getting ready for rush. 

Piss Poor

When we stopped at Dave's old house to meet the new owners I noticed that Doug left so much crap there.  Starting with the kids battery operated car and four wheeler.  And he left them the chargers also because the jeep was fully charged. How nice of Doug.
He left all the things on the deck that had resided there when Dave was alive.  I noticed the trailer was still in the yard and so was a lawn mower.  Who knows what else, but obviously he did a piss poor job of taking care of things. 
Guess it was too much to expect of him to do any job well.  Makes you wonder how he did at his job when he was in the navy.  And maybe that is why he didn't advance. 

Cookies

Last night we baked our peanut blossom cookies.  It is the only time of the year that I make them.  I don't know why I associate them with Christmas, but I do.  Maybe because that is when Betty gave me the recipe all those years ago, for Christmas.
 I had plenty of help.  And they did really really well putting the kisses on the cookies after they came out of the oven.  The little man only got burnt twice and then he quit touching the cookie sheets. 
Today we took one plate over to my friend Karen's house.  I just wanted her to know that I am always thinking about her. 
And then we dropped off a plate to my friend Doug.  He had given me some smoked turkey so I returned the favor with cookies. 
That third plate never made it out of the house.  :p  And that probably means that that is all the Christmas baking we will do this year. 

Welcome Home

That is what I told the new owner of Dave's house when we met her today.  We stopped in and introduced ourselves and gave her our number in case they have questions about the house or yard.  She seemed rather surprised to find out the house had been vacant for a year. 
When they are done with their changes the whole house will feel different.  They have already painted most of it and took out all the carpets.  They are laying hardwood flooring.  The mirrors in the front room are gone, but I told her the story anyway. 
I told her how happy I was that they bought the place and are making it loved again.  It makes my heart sing.  And in a month they will have a new baby in it.  How wonderful.  Life goes on.  I think it makes Dave's soul happy also even if it wasn't what he wanted.  It is still a good thing finally. 

Visit to the Doctor

Took Mom to see her doctor for a check-up.  She hasn't seen her for quite some time. Got all her prescriptions up to date.  We are having a social worker come out to talk about services and living arrangements.  It was also suggested that Mom get out more and socialize and exercise.  We are laying down a few more ground rules and hope that the littles learn them relatively fast.  That is easier said than done.

No Tree

The plan for the day included getting our Christmas tree.  Well it didn't happen.  We got the house clean and we finally made it grocery shopping.  The littles got baths and we watched some netflix.  And the tree is still at the lot.  Maybe tomorrow.  Just didn't feel up to it today. 

Back To Harvey's

I got another groupon to Harvey's Comedy Club.  I was beginning to think I was either going to lose my money or have to go by myself.  Since I reconnected with my friend Doug, I asked him if he wanted to go.  We looked at our calenders and decided this was the night and I made the reservation.
Doug was a very good sport.  He doesn't like to go to Portland much and he certainly doesn't do mass transit.  I suggested we use Max to get there since it puts us right there and we don't have to worry about parking. He also rode with me driving and said he couldn't remember the last time he was a passenger.  Definitely took him out of his comfort zones.
We got a quick bite to eat before traipsing downtown.  Then we got there in plenty of time.  Got seated and ordered beverages and a snack.  There were two acts.  Both were funny, but the headliner was superb.  He had me laughing until I was almost crying.  I kept the tears at bay since I was wearing make-up tonight.  I love good stand up comedy done by someone with an experienced flow.
Afterwards we headed over to the Max stop.  Mostly we just waited, but right before the train came this woman came up and told Doug he could not move into her apartment.  He told her he was leaving and she said no, she was leaving.  And off she went as we got on the train. 
I returned Doug home all in one piece.  Went in and continued on my mission to befriend his dog. While doing that Doug gave me some coats for Audrie and offered up some of his daughter's old toys.  I know a little girl who is going to be ecstatic with the Barbie stuff. 
So again, thanks Doug for a wonderful evening of adult conversation.  Laughter really is the best medicine. 

Kristi's Quilt

I was asked what my favorite color was.  And naturally I said purple.  And then I amend it to say I pretty much like all colors EXCEPT yellow and orange.  And then this quilt arrived in the mail.  Now I was appropriately grateful and I hung it until Nov of this year proudly.  And yet, all the time it felt like an insult.  Hindsight.....it was an insult. 
It was a beautiful quilt.  And I felt so good when I put it on the railing with a free sign.  Someone will enjoy it.  Because while I can appreciate the work that went into it........I just never liked it. 

Big Favors

It's just stuff.  I have worked very hard to get to this point.  To lose my attachments to the stuff Dave and I accumulated.  I have given up on getting any of my "stuff" back that is/was still at Dave's house.  And it's all right.  It's just stuff.  It can all be replaced and any memories attached to that stuff, I still have them.  I may not have the "stuff" to bring the memory to the front of my brain, but the memories are still there. 
So Tanya texts me that she has my platter from England (I don't have one), some coaster Mike made and the wine glasses from our wedding(but one is broken).  WTF. She seems to think she is doing me all these big favors.  You know she kept on Doug to get me the kids stuff.  And now she is saving me stuff that I don't want.  Maybe it would feel different if it was the stuff I had already asked for right after Dave died, but it's not.  It is essentially garbage. 
Hmmmmmm.  Now I don't know if Doug told her to give me that stuff or what.  That would sound more like it.  Give Dawn garbage because that is mostly what he has done.  In the pile with the toys and the bed was some bedding crap that had been peed on greatly when he was locking cats in the house.  And he left it for me.  Wasn't that sweet?  I had Pat and Mike just leave the pee soaked stuff on the driveway.  Now I get a broken wine glass.  Why would someone save it if it was broke...throw it away. 
Just slaps in the face I think. And that reminds me.  I need a post about the quilt. 

Another Scooter Walk

The rain and wind all stopped.  So after supper the littles and I got ready to go for a walk.  Mike decided he would go also.  We increased the length.  We saw a lot more Christmas lights.  They really like seeing those up close and personal. 
It helped me finish getting my 10,000 steps in for the day also.  It is a harder thing to do living in a neighborhood.  I can't go make laps leaving them in the house like I did at the apartment.  Still working on the logistics of stepping.  But for today it worked. 

Progress

It is rather hard integrating two households and I didn't have much of one.  I'm just putting things neater now so we can get Mom's car back in the garage.  I need to get the books all in the house.  They cannot live in the garage permanently.  They would be ruined. 
Mom keeps asking if she is going to be able to find her stuff.  I ask her what she might want to find and she just says her stuff.  Well so far the only thing of hers that has moved is the toaster oven and I don't think she sees that is is gone.  So I just tell her nothing has moved.   I don't tell her the yet part. 
She realized that the fan above the stove is crapping out.  Says it needs to be replaced.  I told her no we are going to install a microwave there.  Explained how it worked and it is one of my changes.  Seems silly to fix the fan when I want to make that change.  I think that went okay.  Time will tell. 

All Kinds of Progress

Well the garage is almost ready for the car.  I haven't gone through every thing but it is much more neatly organized.  My goal is to get the car in and then worry more about what is left.
Then Mike came home and played with the kids while Mom and I went Christmas shopping.  She got most of hers done.  I didn't get any more of mine done, but I got a few ideas.

What a Girl

We went for another night time walk.  It is one of the ways we are burning energy here.  They can't just go outside and play with the kids or at the playground.  So we are looking for work arounds to keep them active outside and quieter inside.
So our walks have been including the new scooters they each got for their birthdays.  Last time she complained about her scooter not being fast enough.  Today she asked him to show her how to go fast.  He has been a scooter master since he was about 18 months old.  And so he showed her and helped her.  She had a much better "walk" tonight.  And so we added another block onto the walk. 
I notice that sometimes she is very sweet when she wants something from him.  I think it funny how she is using coyness and cuteness and sweetness to manipulate him.  Now this comes naturally to her.  She is not mimicking me in any way, shape or form.  Sometimes all of that gets you much better results than bullying.  And I think it is good for her to learn.  Her daddy on the other hand finds it annoying.  I just smile. 

Practicing Patience

It has been a busy couple of months and I have noticed that my patience level rapidly declined. So it is time to get back on the bandwagon and practice patience.  Too much screaming, misbehaving and temper tantrums aren't good for anyone.  And I have learned the lesson many times that the littles feed off of me.  So if I'm grumpy it shows in their behavior. 
So biting my tongue and counting to ten.  Practicing patience because it is a good lesson to teach as well as it is calmer. 

Decorating

 

We are now concentrating on integrating households and decorating for Christmas.  We did the lights earlier and now we have completed the mantle.  We hung snowflakes in the window after we saw that David and Diana had hung snowflakes all over their house.  Didn't figure Mom would go for that, but she could handle the window.  I'm not sure she noticed the window at all, but she liked the mantle. 
Mike came home for a bit and we got the beds put up in the attic.  It was challenging for him at the end as the space became tighter.  But now that is done and that gives us more room in the garage to go through stuff and get it stored so we can get Mom's car back in the garage. 
Making progress.

Thanks Dave

We were having this conversation at work about giving notice.  I commented about having never given notice.  My two previous jobs ended when they closed the restaurants.  So I figure I am working in the warehouse until I retire.  Well, Dave, our FedEx guy comments that I still have twenty years.  My first thought is his math is off and it is no matter how you add it.  I look at him and go no. He said "But you are 35."  Oh that is right.  We had had a conversation awhile back about ages and he assumed I was his age or so.  I just looked at him and said "Thanks, Dave." 

Party

The little man knew he needed to have a party at Marti's just like his sister.  Good thing for us Marti is a good sport. We brought the cake and she supplied the games.  They play "Break the Ice", a Lightning McQueen puzzle and "Candyland".  They they had a present hunt with clues that sent them up and down the stairs.  Connor got some cones and a nice new ball.  Audrie got a gift of some hair clips and some nail polish.  Then they had a little tickle time with Alan and all was right with their world.  It was a great evening and we thank you Marti for making it so. 

Gift Card Shopping

The littles received gift cards from Mommy for their birthdays.  I held on to Audrie's and they shopped together.  I wanted to avoid the melt down that would occur if they did it separately unless I could have found a sitter each time.  This worked wonderfully.
And they are little shoppers.  They realized they did not have a concept of what $50 is, so they let me keep track for them.  And they did good.  She had the best time with the playdough.  She is waiting for Daddy to come back to help put the mixer together (how annoying). He got an RC and loves it.  I'm not sure how long it will last since he likes to run it into the curbs, but it is his and he picked it. 

A Year

It has been a year since Dave died.  The little woman and I were talking and her memories are fading.  She no longer remembers riding on the sled in snow with Papa.  She no longer remembers living in Papa's house with Nana and Papa.  I expected the little man to be the one who forgot quickest because he was so much younger than her.  And maybe he has.  We haven't talked about it.  Maybe we will today when we reminisce about Papa.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about Dave, miss Dave, long for him to still be here with us.  And a year later it is no less strong than it was at the beginning.  I've just adapted to feeling that way.  Every once in awhile a little anger still presents itself, but I always remind myself that he was just a man.  And no man is perfect. 
He still sets a pretty high bar for anyone else who might want to be in our lives.  And there will be other people in our lives.  We don't live in a cave with no interaction with people.  But we can be choosy and pick people with integrity, character, honesty, connections, caring, etc.  Dave taught me a lot.  Mostly he taught me how to be by myself without him.  It was a painful lesson and one I hoped never to learn. But I did.
And so on this day a year later I still send light and love to him wherever he is.  I will continue to think about him, miss him and hold him dear in my heart as he was the man I chose to make my life with.  And now it is time to move on and make my life without him more than I already have. 
Feels like I am closing chapters all over the place this week.