Annette Was Right

I had this conversation with a co-worker, Annette, almost ten years ago.  She told me it is much much harder being the parent of an addict than being the spouse of one.  You make a choice with a spouse.  Stay married, don't.  But you don't get a choice in your children.  And they can play it like crazy.  A parent can be the easiest person to manipulate.  Especially us enabling co-dependent kind.  

I have been asked why multiples of times.  Why?  Because he is my child and I always always hold out hope that this is the time he is honest, truly on a good path, maybe really done with that addict life. Because I love him.  And he tells me what I want to hear or what he thinks I need to hear to do what ever it is he is looking for. And he is really good at reading those lines.  

Now hopefully I get better at reading those lines also.  When you have heard the same one for the eighth time and it never was true before...it probably isn't now.  How many pairs of shoes or jeans must I buy before I stop because he sold them or lost them.  When do I make him accountable for his own clothes?  When do I stop feeding him when he has his own way of getting food.  He has an EBT card and can buy food, but chooses to do something else with it and then eat our food when he gets hungry.  And let me tell you....food is a hard one to not give.  When do I stop making jail easy by contributing to his commissary or paying for the phone?  How many times do I give in just to get him to leave so I don't have to deal with all the turmoil surrounding his addiction? And how many times do I set boundaries, only to change them or ignore them a few weeks later when I am no longer in the middle of crisis.  Give me a couple weeks to calm down and I probably will give in because I have had a break and am back to being hopeful.  

And meanwhile his addiction progresses.  And his own boundaries shift.  He no longer feels bad about the stealing, lying, manipulating.  And even if he does it doesn't stop.  He thinks his need for drug of choice trumps all others needs of stuff or money or food or whatever.  No means no, but not really.  And so it goes.  I don't know what happens when there is nothing left to take.  

I have been dealing or not dealing with my child's addiction since he was 14.  He has been through treatment twice all the way and then several mis-starts.  And I know, I honestly know that there isn't anything I can do to help him.  I know that everything I do, I do more for me.  And I always hope that this time I will hold strong on the boundaries I have set.  I always hope that this time being able to recognize my own needs will stop me from enabling him AGAIN.  And obviously up to this point the only thing I have gained is being able to recognize my own co-dependence. 

So the last month has been an eye opening, regret filled, expensive period of time.  And it ends with him having another opportunity to change his life.  And it ends with me again setting boundaries and they start with the law.  Seems my car liked to make trips in the middle of the night.  So I took to hiding my purse with the keys in it.  And the car kept moving.  So I took to sleeping with my purse.  I should have known from experience that that doesn't stop anything, but I had hope.  I had decided that if I woke up in the middle of any night and my car was gone I would turn it in.  And that night came.  I have one car.  I can't afford for that car to get wrecked.  I can't afford to be sued because he got high and hit someone with that car.  I had emphatically told him that he was not allowed to use my car.  He has no driver's license.  So when I woke up and realized my purse was gone and then realized my car was gone.....I made the call and reported it.  

The car came back within an hour of being gone.  And the key.  He claimed he didn't take my car, that he had walked to the store.  Yeah right....I am stupid.  Then the cop came, but he had already left via the back door.  And while they looked for him, they didn't find him.  Nothing more came of it. I thought they had dropped it because he had been to visit a friend in  jail and there was no warrant for him. And I was okay with that since I had my car back. I'm quite co-dependent.  And I had been hiding my purse much better even if he hadn't been here.  

I got a call from the PA and he said they were looking at whether they were pressing charges on the incident from Dec. 28.  I was confused because I had already forgotten about it. He explained and explained what they had and while ultimately it is up to them, my input is important.   A lot of parents no longer want to have anything happen after they get their cars back.  At the point I am at, I am not that parent.  Not today.  And so they are moving forward with it.  And he said a lot of times in his experience a parent making this kind of stand saves their adult child's life.  Well time will tell on that.  But my child needs to know that there really is a boundary and he doesn't get to shift it to his liking. There are consequences.  And maybe, just maybe, this time.....I won't buy clothes, food, help with commissary, take and pay for begging phone calls.  Maybe it is time for me to step beyond recognizing my own co-dependence and doing something different.