I was reminded how blessed we are. The littles and I have each other and it is the greatest blessing. In their short lives they have lost a lot of people in their every day life. They had nothing to do with those choices that made that so. I had nothing to do with those choices that made it so. I made a choice when they were born to always be here if possible.
So we have days where all kinds of emotions come to the surface. Sometimes I don't put two and two together. The little man has been a bit angry lately. The anger or frustration for him come from very minor things. At least minor in the whole scheme of life. Maybe not minor in his life. I had not put those moments together with how he is feeling about his new brother. The one who gets to live with Mommy. We have had questions lately about the why of it all. And he has a basic understanding of how he came to be with me. A very small basic understanding. And he understands that some things are different for Mommy and that is why Jazzlynn lives with her and not us (thank goodness). And that means Niklaus can live with Mommy also. He doesn't know that Mommy still makes choices that keep her out of his life mostly. Someday he will and that will be a whole other understanding.
We've also been talking about Papa and his death. And how Papa made choices that caused that to happen earlier than it had to. A lot of loss of important people because they made different choices.
So today I take a deep breath and let it all out....and again...and again...and again. His anger is hard and it creates a reaction in me. And I am working hard on keeping it in check. He is just a little boy learning how to navigate his way through this life. But we have each other. And we love each other. We are blessed.
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