I had the day off of work, but the littles had to go to school. Yay! Some free time. I actually managed to do a little extra cleaning. Then I hit the grocery store by myself. I love the grocery store by myself. I haven't quite figured out yet if I save money or not, but it's quiet.
After I put most of the groceries away I took a nap. A wonderful nap.
Rebecca and I had lunch plans, but she forgot and made another plan. Here is hoping that isn't a usual occurrence.
Tomorrow is back to work and real work. We are doing returns this week. :)
Monday, February 5, 2018
Sunday, February 4, 2018
A Blessed Reminder
I was reminded how blessed we are. The littles and I have each other and it is the greatest blessing. In their short lives they have lost a lot of people in their every day life. They had nothing to do with those choices that made that so. I had nothing to do with those choices that made it so. I made a choice when they were born to always be here if possible.
So we have days where all kinds of emotions come to the surface. Sometimes I don't put two and two together. The little man has been a bit angry lately. The anger or frustration for him come from very minor things. At least minor in the whole scheme of life. Maybe not minor in his life. I had not put those moments together with how he is feeling about his new brother. The one who gets to live with Mommy. We have had questions lately about the why of it all. And he has a basic understanding of how he came to be with me. A very small basic understanding. And he understands that some things are different for Mommy and that is why Jazzlynn lives with her and not us (thank goodness). And that means Niklaus can live with Mommy also. He doesn't know that Mommy still makes choices that keep her out of his life mostly. Someday he will and that will be a whole other understanding.
We've also been talking about Papa and his death. And how Papa made choices that caused that to happen earlier than it had to. A lot of loss of important people because they made different choices.
So today I take a deep breath and let it all out....and again...and again...and again. His anger is hard and it creates a reaction in me. And I am working hard on keeping it in check. He is just a little boy learning how to navigate his way through this life. But we have each other. And we love each other. We are blessed.
So we have days where all kinds of emotions come to the surface. Sometimes I don't put two and two together. The little man has been a bit angry lately. The anger or frustration for him come from very minor things. At least minor in the whole scheme of life. Maybe not minor in his life. I had not put those moments together with how he is feeling about his new brother. The one who gets to live with Mommy. We have had questions lately about the why of it all. And he has a basic understanding of how he came to be with me. A very small basic understanding. And he understands that some things are different for Mommy and that is why Jazzlynn lives with her and not us (thank goodness). And that means Niklaus can live with Mommy also. He doesn't know that Mommy still makes choices that keep her out of his life mostly. Someday he will and that will be a whole other understanding.
We've also been talking about Papa and his death. And how Papa made choices that caused that to happen earlier than it had to. A lot of loss of important people because they made different choices.
So today I take a deep breath and let it all out....and again...and again...and again. His anger is hard and it creates a reaction in me. And I am working hard on keeping it in check. He is just a little boy learning how to navigate his way through this life. But we have each other. And we love each other. We are blessed.
Saturday, February 3, 2018
Play Day
The littles wanted to do to the duck ponds and hide rocks. So we did that. There was a man feeding the ducks and there were so many. A lot more wood ducks this time and some Canadian Geese. Each kid found three rocks. It was good to get moving and doing that again. I don't know if that means we are back full swing or whether it was a fluky day.
Then we went and had a late lunch/early dinner at Shari's. Then they begged to go to a park. So we hit up the dog park in Hockinson. There were many other kids playing so they just jumped right in. The only time they stopped was to meet dogs.
It was a good afternoon with lot of outdoor play time. A good thing.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Why Did Papa Die?
Driving home and the little man pops up with he wishes Papa didn't die. I agreed with him and then he again asked why. And as we get older we get better explanations. So I told him Papa drank too much alcohol and his liver couldn't process it and it quit working. Then we talked about what the liver does. His next response is that he wishes he would have told Papa not to drink so his liver would keep working. Oh little man. If only it would have been that easy.
Some days my heart breaks harder than other days.
Some days my heart breaks harder than other days.
Another Brother
I had some extra time today so I stopped in and saw Mom. I told her about Leo contacting me and telling her everything I thought she would be interested in. It was all news to her. She is happy she has another brother. She does not remember that she already had contact with Leo a long time ago. I was not surprised about that since sometimes I'm pretty sure it is the 80's for her. And I just left it how she feels it today. Yup. She has another brother.
Thursday, February 1, 2018
Day One
This morning I put up hearts on the doors of the littles's bedrooms. The object is to do one each day through Valentines Day. On his it says "You are funny," and hers says "You are smart." They are just little affirmations to start off a good day.
So the little man sees hers first and gets a bit indignant because he doesn't have one. And at this point he has no clue what is wrote on it. Well she goes to look and I ask him if he is sure he doesn't have one on his door. She reads them to him even though I'm sure he could read his own all by himself. And they both were very happy. I wonder what she thought when he told her she was smarter than he is.
It was a good morning. Hoping tomorrow is just as good. Especially since it is the last early morning for a bit.
So the little man sees hers first and gets a bit indignant because he doesn't have one. And at this point he has no clue what is wrote on it. Well she goes to look and I ask him if he is sure he doesn't have one on his door. She reads them to him even though I'm sure he could read his own all by himself. And they both were very happy. I wonder what she thought when he told her she was smarter than he is.
It was a good morning. Hoping tomorrow is just as good. Especially since it is the last early morning for a bit.
Found Family
Leo is my mom's brother. They had some contact over twenty years ago. Mom had contacted her birth father. There were plans for Sr. to come out to CA for some reason and when that happened Mom was going to meet him. I'm sure that was a plan filled with lots of emotions.
My mom had wondered about the man basically all her life. Her mom had went to her death keeping the secret of who he was. I do not know why, just that it was. The other people, who also knew who he was, kept that secret for a long long time after Granny died. And then Uncle John finally told her.
At least she did have some contact. I doubt all her questions would have been able to be answered. She had contact with his other children, a son and a daughter. I'm not sure how much joy that brought as I doubt they had any inkling about her. But it is what it is and life moves on. Leo Sr. died. And with that the connections.
I met my half sister when I was sixteen. I was told about her when I was 13 years-old. She had initiated contact with our dad. My mom kind of pushed my dad to accept that contact. He may have anyway, but Mom came from the place my sister was at. Meeting a sibling like that is filled with a lot of emotions.
We met and started building relationships. Almost a decade in my dad died. And that initial link wasn't totally severed but it was definitely stretched thin. Today we are good, but we had to find the place that we could build from. Dad couldn't be the glue if he wasn't there.
I do find it ironic how similar the stories are though.
When I moved into Mom's house and started the cleaning process I found a letter Jr. had wrote to Mom. And of course, now I have no clue where it is. But it was a reminder of the connection. And so I went on a search and found him on facebook. Mom was sad I didn't actually make a connection right away. And now she has long forgotten that I tried. Looking forward to telling her about it and I hope it makes her smile. Life does move on and life throws curve balls. Maybe this is a good one.
My mom had wondered about the man basically all her life. Her mom had went to her death keeping the secret of who he was. I do not know why, just that it was. The other people, who also knew who he was, kept that secret for a long long time after Granny died. And then Uncle John finally told her.
At least she did have some contact. I doubt all her questions would have been able to be answered. She had contact with his other children, a son and a daughter. I'm not sure how much joy that brought as I doubt they had any inkling about her. But it is what it is and life moves on. Leo Sr. died. And with that the connections.
I met my half sister when I was sixteen. I was told about her when I was 13 years-old. She had initiated contact with our dad. My mom kind of pushed my dad to accept that contact. He may have anyway, but Mom came from the place my sister was at. Meeting a sibling like that is filled with a lot of emotions.
We met and started building relationships. Almost a decade in my dad died. And that initial link wasn't totally severed but it was definitely stretched thin. Today we are good, but we had to find the place that we could build from. Dad couldn't be the glue if he wasn't there.
I do find it ironic how similar the stories are though.
When I moved into Mom's house and started the cleaning process I found a letter Jr. had wrote to Mom. And of course, now I have no clue where it is. But it was a reminder of the connection. And so I went on a search and found him on facebook. Mom was sad I didn't actually make a connection right away. And now she has long forgotten that I tried. Looking forward to telling her about it and I hope it makes her smile. Life does move on and life throws curve balls. Maybe this is a good one.
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