Trials and Tribulations

Everyone has them. Every family has them. I talk about mine. A lot. And yet I think I have a great life. There is always some kind of drama going on and I always have great stories. I fret, I worry, I feel sad, I feel almost mad, I almost hurt or at least feel numb. And I feel content and happy. I deal with the addictions of my family. I deal with the curves life throws us.
I met a neighbor the other day. We have been neighbors for a long long time and have never met. He asked about Myk. I told him Myk was going down his own path and he seemed to know what I meant. He offered sympathy. And I thought....at least, as of yet, I still have my child. This neighbor lost his daughter several years back. That trial and tribulation seems so much more worse than mine, to me.
And life goes on. And the trials go on. Now I have great stories about Audrie and Connor. They are going to have a great life too, but they will definitely give me more trials and tribulations as they live their life.
Connor smiled at us for the first time yesterday. Not a gas smile, but a smile we could tell was real. It may not be the first one, but it is the first one we know was a smile and not gas. :P

Visits

We were suppose to see Dave's mom and stepdad this week, but they have colds. So they opted not to come expose the little kids. Loretta came instead. She brought us salmon and Scottish Highland beef. She brought a cool book for Audrie from Alaska. We sure appreciate that. Especially Harvey fishing in Alaska and then bringing so much salmon home they could share with us. We just love visiting with Loretta as she tells the best stories.

Sarah and Parker dropped in to work today. I haven't seen her since they moved to Nevada. Parker is so cute and she did smile at me. She ate some of Jacob's birthday cake. Sarah looks really good. She misses us and we miss her. We didn't get to see Cade because he is not leaving his Papa's house at all. Not even with his Papa. Too funny.

Settling In

Connor has been here a week now. We are settling in to the newer routine. Not sure it is a complete routine yet, but we are working on it. We survived the holiday. Connor didn't seem too bothered by all the noise and commotion. He still needs to be held a lot, but we expected that. And what more important thing can we do than to sit and hold him? Audrie loves her baby brother and just wants to help so much. She wants to pick him up and hug him and kick him and hit him and kiss him and hug him again. All in a two minute time frame.
We expected to hear something from Cassie, but never did. She had asked Dave if she could come over on Christmas day if it was all cleared with Beth. She must not have gotten ahold of Beth before then. Then Beth tried to schedule a visit for her for this morning, but she was unavailable. Said she would visit with him next week after Myk gets out of jail. Hmmm. A couple of weeks ago she was agitated at the thought of having to wait till the first of Jan to see him and then it becomes her choice. I don't know what to say to that.
Audrie and Connor went to the Kadow Christmas. That was so nice having a two hour nap with no interruptions. Nana Nita felt bad for taking them away on the holiday, but I was glad they were being included in that side of their family. And I needed the nap. ;p Audrie came home with two new jammies and two new toys. Connor got a nice gift card for Nana to use as he needs things.

Sharing

Thanks So Much

Doug, Kristie and the boys returned from their adventure. We had a little dinner. I made a lovely pan of lasagna and I think it was one of the best I have made. Mom came over and joined us. She held Connor while I put dinner together. I had a pantry catastrophe. When I grabbed the lasagna noodles it knocked the bag of spaghetti so that it tipped and spaghetti went all over the floor. I saved most of the box, but there is a lot on the floor. I looked at it and couldn't even contend with it. So it sits there.
After dinner Doug and Kristie totally cleaned up the kitchen. They didn't even ask if they could help, they just did it. I'm sure that they are just polite like that, but I like to think they really wanted to help me out as they could tell I am a little tired. Middle of the night feedings are taking a little getting used to. Anyway I am so thankful.

A Beautiful Day

Rollercoaster ride. The drive to work was gorgeous. The frost on everything just sparkled and made it seem so Christmasy. When I got to work I found the most wonderful surprise. Heidi had brought in two bags of clothes for Audrie and Connor. And the permanent staff had chipped in and got us a baby present. It was wonderful. The box had bibs, blankets, binkies and onesies. The card had a Target gift card and a nice amount of cash. I was overwhelmed by the show of support from the people I work with. Connor is so lucky that they also are in his corner and pulling for him.
Elizabeth came over and hung out. Papa wasn't too fond of the idea of taking the little kids by himself for longer than he has to. So we just hung and played. Papa loaded photoshop on his computer for Elizabeth so she can start playing with that. I think she is going to have lots of fun with it. It gives her one more thing to do here so she doesn't get too bored.
Elizabeth told me I would just have to stay up late and get my gifts done. So I am. Everything is bagged. I know that is cheating, but this year I'll take the easy route. So I am waiting for Connor to wake up for his feeding and then it is off to bed. It was a beautiful day even with the emotional roller coaster rides of today.

Selfish

Wow. That word is not usually used to describe me. But my aunt used it yesterday. I'm selfish because I am taking on Audrie and Connor, my addict son's children. The selfish part comes from me not taking Tanya's girls that she and Jason put up for adoption fifteen and fourteen years ago. I "made" Tanya give them up. Right. Okay then. If Tanya would have kept the first one, we would have given her just as much help as we gave Myk and Cassie when Audrie was born. But she, Jason and his family decided to do the adoption and that was a valid choice. That girl went to a family that wanted her so much. And we grieved (we really did not think she would go through with it). Tanya didn't even tell us about the second baby until almost two months after she was born and already gone up for adoption. Yeah. I made her do that. Baby number two went to the same family as baby number one so they are together with a family who WANTED them. We had nothing to do with those decisions nor was our opinion or help asked for.
Skip ahead to last year. Myk is in prison and Cassie is doing Cassie things. That left Audrie in the wind. We took her rather than let her go to Child Protective Services and into foster care. That is not a wrong decision and one we got to make. Myk and Cassie agreed with it. Turns out we were right as CPS did have a referral to look into Audrie's well being.
Then comes Connor. We were told he was being given up for adoption when he was born. But that fell through and CPS called us to ask us if we would take him. So again this choice was ours to make and we made it for the benefit of Connor. And if it is selfish, so be it. We are going to take the best care of them we know how to do for as long as we are allowed to do so.
And as for me birthing a drug addict. I birthed a baby who had a genetic disposition to be an addict/alcoholic. And unfortunately he choose to go down that road. I don't hide the fact that he is an addict. And while it makes me sad that he is, I love my son. And I'm not going to be made to feel bad about the choices he made anymore than I am going to be made to feel bad about the choices Tanya made. I only have control over myself and my reactions. Which is why we say the serenity prayer a lot in our household.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.