Eight Thousand Steps

It is 8000 steps to get all the way around Lake Sacajawea in Longview.  Mike, the littles and I went up again and collected Greg.  Greg and I walked the lake while Mike and the littles played.  I heard tell someone shared some bread with them and they got to feed the ducks.  The littles thought that was a great thing.
Afterwards we went and had a late lunch at Nips.  It was a nice burger at a reasonable price.
Greg and I have plans for a couple of other walks in the near future.  Doing different things keeps it from getting too boring.  And Greg noticed that my game has stepped up.  We did the walk quicker this week.

Furniture

When we moved into this apartment we came with two bookcases, four dressers, a cedar chest and a crib.  We got a bed from Pat and a bed from Grammy.  My friend Michael gifted us a couch and a chair.  Bought a table and chairs, computer desk and an end table off craigslist and a small tv stand from goodwill.  And we were set.
In the two years we have been here.....Connor outgrew the crib.  So Papa made both kids new beds.  Connor's dresser was one with a changing table and need replacing.  Papa refinished a dresser for him.  Papa refinished an end table for me for Mother's Day.  And I replaced the hard hard hard bed I got from Pat.  And we are still set.
I should have went with a king size bed.  I didn't know I was having a family bed.  Ah.  And then the cedar chest got broke.  Imagine that.  Broke.  It is still taking up space though because it is full of treasures.  The computer desk is quite functional but I wish it was a little bigger.  Just things I have learned with time.
I watch people moving in and out and how much furniture they have.  I am amazed.  I know I'm somewhat of a minimalist, but I don't want a lot of stuff to move when we finally move.  This is just transitional housing.  While we have made it home for now, it is not home forever.  It is an apartment.

I was talking with Greg.  He asked if I was ready to get out of here yet.  I still like it here.  It still meets all our needs.  I still love the dead end and the playground.  But there are days I wish for a yard.  There are days I wish for my cat and Audrie's cat.  There are days I wish for the privacy that a house provides.  I'm patient.  I know we will have that someday.  And in the meantime maybe I will play in Mom's yard now that she doesn't have a landscaper.  ;P  I know we are planting a Papa tree soon.

Grief

No one gets to determine how it works, feels, or how long it lasts for anyone else.  This is what I know for me.  This is the deepest loss I have ever felt.  This is the numbest I have felt and at times the pain breaks through.  I have not cried.  My mom insists that I will.  I know that I won't.  I know it would be healthier to do so and to teach the littles  how to do that.  But again that was Dave's job.  I expect to feel this loss for the rest of my life.  I expect to miss him that long.
Emotions are hard.  And so when the anger and pain break through sometimes I have to be proactive and do something.  I have to get back to a safe place.  Dave understood this about me.  I am self resilient and I self preserve really well.
So when the shock wore off that Dave's facebook page was gone I did what I do.  I fumed for about half an hour and then followed Treva's advice.  Looked around and discovered how to do it.  And I created my own facebook page for Dave.  No one gets to determine whether I utilize that space for my own grief work.  No one gets to take away the memories that the rest of us share.  And I got a lot of positive response so I know I made the right decision for me and others.
And it was hard.  Still is.  I had to find pictures to put on the page and I had to delve into my brain.  I looked at a lot of pictures and watched a lot of videos.  The first video was the hardest.  Hearing his voice talking.  Mike agreed with me that it was hard emotionally to hear it.
And I continue on dealing with the grief.   A little here and a little there.  No one will ever love me like Dave did.  No one will ever understand me like he did.  No one will ever hurt me like he did and heal like we did.  And the only people who are going to understand are other people who have also lost their spouse or long term significant other.  It's not the same as losing a parent.  It leaves a hole in your heart that you don't want to fill.  I am so thankful for the 31 years I had him in my life and I know he felt that he too was blessed with our relationship.
Light and Love Dave.

My LIttle Boy

Needed to get Connor's pajamas out of his drawer.  Mike had already went to bed.  Went in and Mike was using Audrie's night light.  The one that puts the moon and stars on the ceiling.  Ah, my little boy.

Little Bits

Audrie has decided that she wants to be a nurse when she grows up or a vet.  And the reason is so she can give shots.  Does that mean she is going to be a mean girl?
Every morning they have to go to care house one or the other complains.  Don't want to go.  Want to stay with Nana.  And of course they are always told they are going and that I didn't ask their opinion on it.  So Audrie says it this morning. I say it this morning.  Then she pops up with I pick her up too soon from care house and that she can't finish her pictures.  So she needs 31 minutes today so she can do that.  Okay then.  Picked her up about 20 minutes later than I have been and it looks like she finished her pictures.  At least she could tell me the story about them.
Belinda didn't want to up the game with me.  I think she finds the 10000 fine for her.  Yesterday I actually got 17000 steps in seven miles.  Don't expect to get that today.  ;P

Up the Game

I lose track of time, but I believe I've been doing 12000 steps for almost three weeks.  Since I have started I have made my goal every day except for the day I drove to Wenatchee and back.  And even then I had enough steps that it all averaged out to be right.
When I started 10000 seemed like so many.  But Belinda was right.  A real walk makes a lot of difference.  Having the littles though sometimes preempts a real walk.  So I do laps around the complex.  Rather boring, but it works.
Then it started getting easier.  Parking a  little further away.  I get 1000 steps at work just by where I park.  And so it goes.
This week I have gotten a real walk in every day and I noticed that I am getting quicker and working harder.  It just happened.  All I was doing was trying to get my two miles in.
I think it is time to up the game and make the goal 13000 steps a day.  Adding in another 1000 isn't going to break the time bank yet.  I can see that eventually you run out of time, but I'm not there yet.  And I have a goal. I want to do some more active things this summer with the littles and to do so I have to have part of their stamina.

Done

I'm nothing if not self resilient.  Decided I didn't like it so I changed it.  At Treva's suggestion I looked about facebook and discovered I could make my own memory page.  And then I did.  Looked through a lot of pictures to post there.  Got a lot of positive response.
Made me tired though.  Must be emotional.  The first video I watched was the hardest hearing him talk.  Not just his name like on his voicemail.  Actual talking.
Almost three months and I still miss him a lot.  Doesn't matter that we have adjusted to life without him.