Grief

No one gets to determine how it works, feels, or how long it lasts for anyone else.  This is what I know for me.  This is the deepest loss I have ever felt.  This is the numbest I have felt and at times the pain breaks through.  I have not cried.  My mom insists that I will.  I know that I won't.  I know it would be healthier to do so and to teach the littles  how to do that.  But again that was Dave's job.  I expect to feel this loss for the rest of my life.  I expect to miss him that long.
Emotions are hard.  And so when the anger and pain break through sometimes I have to be proactive and do something.  I have to get back to a safe place.  Dave understood this about me.  I am self resilient and I self preserve really well.
So when the shock wore off that Dave's facebook page was gone I did what I do.  I fumed for about half an hour and then followed Treva's advice.  Looked around and discovered how to do it.  And I created my own facebook page for Dave.  No one gets to determine whether I utilize that space for my own grief work.  No one gets to take away the memories that the rest of us share.  And I got a lot of positive response so I know I made the right decision for me and others.
And it was hard.  Still is.  I had to find pictures to put on the page and I had to delve into my brain.  I looked at a lot of pictures and watched a lot of videos.  The first video was the hardest.  Hearing his voice talking.  Mike agreed with me that it was hard emotionally to hear it.
And I continue on dealing with the grief.   A little here and a little there.  No one will ever love me like Dave did.  No one will ever understand me like he did.  No one will ever hurt me like he did and heal like we did.  And the only people who are going to understand are other people who have also lost their spouse or long term significant other.  It's not the same as losing a parent.  It leaves a hole in your heart that you don't want to fill.  I am so thankful for the 31 years I had him in my life and I know he felt that he too was blessed with our relationship.
Light and Love Dave.