Trials and Tribulations

Everyone has them. Every family has them. I talk about mine. A lot. And yet I think I have a great life. There is always some kind of drama going on and I always have great stories. I fret, I worry, I feel sad, I feel almost mad, I almost hurt or at least feel numb. And I feel content and happy. I deal with the addictions of my family. I deal with the curves life throws us.
I met a neighbor the other day. We have been neighbors for a long long time and have never met. He asked about Myk. I told him Myk was going down his own path and he seemed to know what I meant. He offered sympathy. And I thought....at least, as of yet, I still have my child. This neighbor lost his daughter several years back. That trial and tribulation seems so much more worse than mine, to me.
And life goes on. And the trials go on. Now I have great stories about Audrie and Connor. They are going to have a great life too, but they will definitely give me more trials and tribulations as they live their life.
Connor smiled at us for the first time yesterday. Not a gas smile, but a smile we could tell was real. It may not be the first one, but it is the first one we know was a smile and not gas. :P

Visits

We were suppose to see Dave's mom and stepdad this week, but they have colds. So they opted not to come expose the little kids. Loretta came instead. She brought us salmon and Scottish Highland beef. She brought a cool book for Audrie from Alaska. We sure appreciate that. Especially Harvey fishing in Alaska and then bringing so much salmon home they could share with us. We just love visiting with Loretta as she tells the best stories.

Sarah and Parker dropped in to work today. I haven't seen her since they moved to Nevada. Parker is so cute and she did smile at me. She ate some of Jacob's birthday cake. Sarah looks really good. She misses us and we miss her. We didn't get to see Cade because he is not leaving his Papa's house at all. Not even with his Papa. Too funny.

Settling In

Connor has been here a week now. We are settling in to the newer routine. Not sure it is a complete routine yet, but we are working on it. We survived the holiday. Connor didn't seem too bothered by all the noise and commotion. He still needs to be held a lot, but we expected that. And what more important thing can we do than to sit and hold him? Audrie loves her baby brother and just wants to help so much. She wants to pick him up and hug him and kick him and hit him and kiss him and hug him again. All in a two minute time frame.
We expected to hear something from Cassie, but never did. She had asked Dave if she could come over on Christmas day if it was all cleared with Beth. She must not have gotten ahold of Beth before then. Then Beth tried to schedule a visit for her for this morning, but she was unavailable. Said she would visit with him next week after Myk gets out of jail. Hmmm. A couple of weeks ago she was agitated at the thought of having to wait till the first of Jan to see him and then it becomes her choice. I don't know what to say to that.
Audrie and Connor went to the Kadow Christmas. That was so nice having a two hour nap with no interruptions. Nana Nita felt bad for taking them away on the holiday, but I was glad they were being included in that side of their family. And I needed the nap. ;p Audrie came home with two new jammies and two new toys. Connor got a nice gift card for Nana to use as he needs things.

Sharing

Thanks So Much

Doug, Kristie and the boys returned from their adventure. We had a little dinner. I made a lovely pan of lasagna and I think it was one of the best I have made. Mom came over and joined us. She held Connor while I put dinner together. I had a pantry catastrophe. When I grabbed the lasagna noodles it knocked the bag of spaghetti so that it tipped and spaghetti went all over the floor. I saved most of the box, but there is a lot on the floor. I looked at it and couldn't even contend with it. So it sits there.
After dinner Doug and Kristie totally cleaned up the kitchen. They didn't even ask if they could help, they just did it. I'm sure that they are just polite like that, but I like to think they really wanted to help me out as they could tell I am a little tired. Middle of the night feedings are taking a little getting used to. Anyway I am so thankful.

A Beautiful Day

Rollercoaster ride. The drive to work was gorgeous. The frost on everything just sparkled and made it seem so Christmasy. When I got to work I found the most wonderful surprise. Heidi had brought in two bags of clothes for Audrie and Connor. And the permanent staff had chipped in and got us a baby present. It was wonderful. The box had bibs, blankets, binkies and onesies. The card had a Target gift card and a nice amount of cash. I was overwhelmed by the show of support from the people I work with. Connor is so lucky that they also are in his corner and pulling for him.
Elizabeth came over and hung out. Papa wasn't too fond of the idea of taking the little kids by himself for longer than he has to. So we just hung and played. Papa loaded photoshop on his computer for Elizabeth so she can start playing with that. I think she is going to have lots of fun with it. It gives her one more thing to do here so she doesn't get too bored.
Elizabeth told me I would just have to stay up late and get my gifts done. So I am. Everything is bagged. I know that is cheating, but this year I'll take the easy route. So I am waiting for Connor to wake up for his feeding and then it is off to bed. It was a beautiful day even with the emotional roller coaster rides of today.

Selfish

Wow. That word is not usually used to describe me. But my aunt used it yesterday. I'm selfish because I am taking on Audrie and Connor, my addict son's children. The selfish part comes from me not taking Tanya's girls that she and Jason put up for adoption fifteen and fourteen years ago. I "made" Tanya give them up. Right. Okay then. If Tanya would have kept the first one, we would have given her just as much help as we gave Myk and Cassie when Audrie was born. But she, Jason and his family decided to do the adoption and that was a valid choice. That girl went to a family that wanted her so much. And we grieved (we really did not think she would go through with it). Tanya didn't even tell us about the second baby until almost two months after she was born and already gone up for adoption. Yeah. I made her do that. Baby number two went to the same family as baby number one so they are together with a family who WANTED them. We had nothing to do with those decisions nor was our opinion or help asked for.
Skip ahead to last year. Myk is in prison and Cassie is doing Cassie things. That left Audrie in the wind. We took her rather than let her go to Child Protective Services and into foster care. That is not a wrong decision and one we got to make. Myk and Cassie agreed with it. Turns out we were right as CPS did have a referral to look into Audrie's well being.
Then comes Connor. We were told he was being given up for adoption when he was born. But that fell through and CPS called us to ask us if we would take him. So again this choice was ours to make and we made it for the benefit of Connor. And if it is selfish, so be it. We are going to take the best care of them we know how to do for as long as we are allowed to do so.
And as for me birthing a drug addict. I birthed a baby who had a genetic disposition to be an addict/alcoholic. And unfortunately he choose to go down that road. I don't hide the fact that he is an addict. And while it makes me sad that he is, I love my son. And I'm not going to be made to feel bad about the choices he made anymore than I am going to be made to feel bad about the choices Tanya made. I only have control over myself and my reactions. Which is why we say the serenity prayer a lot in our household.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Connor Gene

The little man is home, growing, and adjusting to life outside of the hospital. He weighed 9 pounds one ounce when we came home yesterday. Nothing wrong with his eating skills. Got his social security card so we know that his name is Connor Gene.

Yay!

Connor is home. He was released this morning. Came home, ate and took a nap. Doing well so far.
Tomorrow the new case worker from CPS is coming out. And Connor has an appointment with his pediatrician on Thurs. Nana has to call DSHS and WIC and get those going. Lots to do in the near future. And to top it all off we have the holiday this weekend.

Finally Maybe

So Connor has now been off the morphine since yesterday noon. All things according to Hoyle means he can come home noon tomorrow. Finally. Hope I didn't just jinx it. He is doing so well this time around. The nurses said he was doing good, but he has needed lots of holding today. He hardly spent any time in his bed. I got there and fed him his dinner and rocked for an hour. He is so sweet.
Dave and I finished getting all the paperwork filled out and gathered for CPS for the home study. Tomorrow we get our fingerprints taken for a bigger better background check. Must have passed the first one. It is amazing all the things they wanted to know. Anyway we got it done and we wait for the home walk-through to be arranged. One more step out of the way.
We've been talking a lot to Audrie telling her about how her brother is coming home. I'm not sure she gets it yet, but she will tomorrow. Connor got her a present that he will give her tomorrow. Hope that helps.
First week home and it is filled with the holiday. Hopefully we have it spread out enough that he doesn't get overwhelmed. We have it set so there is never more than two extra kids here. I already know that Kristie's boys will be great. They are old enough to understand having to be quiet and calm around Connor.
Life as we know it changes tomorrow. And he is worth it.

Take a Deep Breath

Okay then release it all the way. Whew. Between Myk calling to find out if money got put on his books and Tanya wanting us to babysit...I'm just all out of patience. Audrie isn't feeling well. Dave has a dr. appt. tomorrow for his back. Connor is still in the hospital. The important things. And yet the adult children seem to think that their things are more important.
So let me lay it all out. Tanya doesn't want to do what she said she would for Myk, it doesn't involve me. I already fixed the money on the books for her. I don't even want to know about the phone thing.
Babysitting was explained a week ago when she asked last time. Last time worked out since Connor wasn't home yet, but he will be home by the next time. So until Connor has adapted to living here there won't be any babysitting. And even then there probably will not be. Last weekend she felt the need to apologize (four or five times) to Elizabeth for making her come here and that made me feel like a doormat and that is done. I have more important things to take care of, than to be a babysitter so she can party. Not that she cares otherwise she might have asked once about Connor.
Oh yeah I forgot. So sorry. Never mind. But babysitting is off the table for awhile.

A Quote From Erin

It doesn’t have to be fancy.

It doesn’t have to look pretty.

All it takes is a minute.

To set an intention.

To ground the feet.

To breathe into the belly.

To gently move the body.

To say thank you.

To welcome the new day.



And what a difference it makes.

eringoodman.com/blog

Quiet Morning

So I am up before the house, but not by much. Doug and Kristie must have been catching up on some sleep because they roused shortly after me. Nope I've been informed that they have been awake for a bit.
We had a lovely little supper last night with Doug, Kristie and the boys. The boys really really like root beer floats. They are quite charming boys and Audrie loves them.
I'm feeling a little motivated today. Thinking it is time to tackle some more baby shower in a trailer stuff. Almost feeling like baking cookies. Hmmm. Must finally be feeling Christmas spirit. And we need some groceries.
And of course I will fit in my at least once daily visit to the hospital. See how the little man is doing today.

Oy

Poor little guy. Wasn't ready to be med-free. They put him back on with six hour dosing. Nurses best guess is he will go home next week. So now we call him our little Christmas present. Better to deal with it now while he is at the hospital than to deal with it at home and have to go back. Thinking positive.

For Today

I am only worrying about those important to me.
I am amazed at the resiliency of Connor.
I am grateful for Dave filling out the paperwork.
I am looking forward to the home study. May learn some things.
I am finished Christmas shopping.
I am grateful for Elizabeth and Adrianna.
I am enjoying Audrie cuddles and kisses.
I am practicing ahimsa.
I am appreciating Mom helping with Connor.
I am breathing.
I am feeling joy.
I am waiting for Connor to come home.

Yay!

Connor is finally off the last of the medication. Now we have to wait 24 to 48 hours for him to be released. Just depends on how he does. I saw him this evening and he was sleeping fine. It will be nice for him to be home. We were told we would still see symptoms, but that he should be consolable. Seems to be the criteria that now determines when he will be released. He's a trooper.

Another Day

Our little Connor is just having a tough time getting off that last dose of medicine. They decided to keep him on it another day. Now maybe he can come home on Wednesday. We spent some time just him and I this afternoon. I got to feed him and change his diaper and just interact. He is eating more and now weighs 8 lbs 3 oz. The little man is growing. He is so so sweet.

Reflections

Getting ready for the change. Connor will be coming home in the next couple of days. Our whole routine is going to change. I think it is going to slow down even further than it already had. The most important thing we do is meet the needs of Audrie and Connor. It is also the most wonderful thing we do.
I have started the process of going through all the stuff from the baby shower in a trailer. I'm so overwhelmed at the generosity. We have decided that what we can't use we will donate to Options 360. That is a pregnancy clinic that Cassie used when she was pregnant with Audrie. They got a lot of baby things through that. So this will be giving back and on to the next baby in need.
Audrie is playing with all of Connor's new toys. Guess he is learning how to share without even knowing it. I think it will be easier for him than it will be for Audrie. :P
The girls came over last night to spend the night. We had intended to go to the Zoo Lights. It was still freezing in the afternoon and the rain started. I was apprehensive about driving over there and getting stuck with ice. Then I saw that Adrianna had summer shoes instead of warm shoes. So we cancelled that trip. Instead the girls helped Papa cut down our Christmas tree and then we watched "A Christmas Carol". It was our movie from last year, but I missed it since I was up visiting Myk in prison Christmas Eve.
And now I must finish my side jobs so I can go to the hospital and spend some Connor time. Papa said he is a little fussy today and needs holding.

Baby Shower Trailer

The trailer arrived this morning. Isaac had an interesting time backing it up our driveway, but he made it. Treva is not packing challenged and that trailer was full. There was a crib, a changing table/dresser, a swing, bouncy chair, exersaucer and boxes and bags of miscellaneous stuff. We have enough clothes to clothe several little boys. Treva had went through and washed everything and sorted it into boxes by size. We are good till 2T. Audrie had her own bag with a dog in it and two new outfits.

After all the stuff was brought in we visited for a bit and then Treva and I headed to the hospital. Treva fell in love in an instant. She spent over two hours just rocking little Connor.

Sounds like we are looking at Monday for his discharge. That gives us a day to get all the stuff put away. Thank you so much Treva and all your troops from your friends to Isaac. We really really do appreciate it. As said many times Connor is so lucky to have the family he has who step up to the plate.

Glorious Friday

What a glorious morning. Up before the sun and the girl. Drinking my coffee and enjoying the quiet. Busy day ahead today, but it is nice to start out slowly.
We have an appointment with an occupational therapist today for Connor. Just to get some tips. I have lunch today with Fred, Marilyn and Barb. So looking forward to that. I really miss my lunches when they get cancelled. Mona will be back next week and that makes me especially happy. She has been gone way too long this time. I understand, but I miss her so much.
Doug and Kristie come next week. We'll see them for one night before they venture off on an adventure. Then we'll see them again for Christmas. We'll finally get to meet Donny and Ben.
Cassie did give me an apology for the crap she posted on fb. I was amazed. I kind of felt stupid though when I realized where it all came from. It was just like how she used to act and I totally missed it.

Elizabeth

It was an Elizabeth day. We didn't do anything special. Just picked her up from school and we came home and hung out. She watched me clean the peninsula getting ready for the Christmas tree. She said wow she doesn't think she has ever seen it empty. I said....oh yes...last year for the tree also. Guess we have a few more years of the tree being up on the peninsula. Then we had some dinner and stopped at FM to get a little present for Audrie from Connor.
Elizabeth said she feels left out of getting attached to Connor. She wants to see him so bad. She just has to wait till next week. She said she probably has to wait until Christmas. Maybe we'll arrange something. Little guy needs all the love he can get.

Audrie

So Audrie is in awe of her little brother. Then she is mad he is in the swing she has claimed as her own at the hospital. Yup, she is a jealous little girl. We are going to take Scott up on his suggestions. At least he has already been through the new baby stage with Lucy and Molly. I've never done this part. I'm sure she will be fine when she gets used to it. He is HER brother and hers alone. We've been giving her extra love and talking about Connor living here. She seems fine with all that so far. It is when it happens, that it could get interesting.

Love

After work yesterday I went to see Connor to have a little time without Audrie. She is getting bored at the hospital. When I arrived Nana Nita and Cassie were there so I just visited for awhile and then went home. Dave opted to stay home that evening and I went again. Connor slept the entire time in my arms in the rocking chair. We just rocked and rocked. That is love. I had forgotten about the little gas smiles and all the little noises babies make. He was very very calm which is good. What a little man.

Little Pooper

Audrie and I went in to see Connor tonight. I got to change a poopy diaper as soon as I got there. Fed him and then he gave me another poopy diaper. And oh boy it was a full one. I think he saved it all up for me. Guess it is Nana's job. He is gaining weight. Weighs in at 7 lbs. 10 oz. now. Eating and sleeping well. I ran into the nicu dr. on the way in and he said he is still very pleased with how Connor is progressing and should be able to come home in four or five days. Just all depends on Connor. My guess is he will be home sooner than that, but I'm not a good guesser.
I am still amazed at the outpouring of love and help being offered us. I am very grateful. Our family, Cassie's family and a great number of friends have been so supportive. We can never express how appreciative we are, but just say thank you. And while everyone is doing it for Connor, Myk and Cassie are grateful also.

It's Almost Official

Connor will be coming to live with us. The adoption didn't come together and he is being placed with us. It again gives Myk and Cassie a chance to get their priorities straight. And if not then at least Audrie and Connor are being raised together. We have some training to get at the hospital. And then we will be bringing him home. Treva rallied her troops and got us a bunch of supplies. She is delivering them this weekend. Nita has volunteered babysitting whenever we need it. This family really steps up to the plate when it has to. Connor is a lucky boy.
It becomes official after the background check and home study are done. We have no worries as to that stuff.

Sunday Visits

We went and saw Connor twice again today. I got the poopy diaper this time. I was holding him when he let it go. That is love. He looks better and better. The yellowing is going away. He likes to eat. He has gained five ounces since he was born. Audrie is now bored with the hospital. Guess it is time for that boy to come home. If he stays tomorrow we will probably only do one visit. Unless we do separate visits.
Beth and Randy came out today to bring me a couple of things made by our Auntie Jean. We had dessert. I made a cherry pie. We had a nice visit.

Today

I am getting ready for changes.
I am thankful for J. Gorder's wisdom.
I am appreciating Dr. Baker's enthusiasm.
I am snuggling with Audrie.
I am in awe of Treva and all she can do.
I am practicing ahimsa.
I realized I am not done with my Christmas shopping.
I love Santa Claus.
I am grateful for God's mysterious ways.
I need to go grocery shopping, but it will wait again. Good thing we can eat out of my pantry for a long time if we have to.

Connor Visit

We went and visited Connor today. We got to feed him. And he slept on us while we rocked. He is no longer under the lights which is a good thing. He gave Papa a poopy diaper. Those diapers are so small.

Dad

So my dad visited me this week. It must have been Monday evening. I was kind of floored, but that is all right. Then Connor was born on Tuesday. Oh. That's why Dad visited. Thought I might need to feel him for a moment and to be reminded. And I was. Whether I am related to Connor by blood or not does not matter. I am his Nana. And he is Audrie's brother. And that sometimes we are going to worry over stuff that gets taken care of. It's all good.

Connor

Birthday Present

Audrie is showing off her new skidders. We got them for her for her birthday. She only waited until Thanksgiving to open the present. :p

A Great Sadness

I am greatly sad that Cassie read my post about Connor and read it as criticism of her and her choice. There was no criticism there. Yes we would have taken Connor if it was Myk's baby, as we know she can't raise a baby right now. I don't expect her to take our feelings into account as to her decision to give him up for adoption, but I do think she needs to be aware that her decision affects all of us. Not just her. So I blogged about how much it will hurt and how grateful I was for her letting me be part of the birth. It was a good memory and then the next day I read the crap posted on facebook. I don't expect her decision to be easy. I don't think that it should be. Maybe she wouldn't have felt so criticized if she had ever had a conversation with me about how I felt about the pregnancy and all the things surrounding it. But she never did.
I'm going to try and just remember the peaceful feelings of being there at the miracle of his birth. And we wait six or more weeks to find out how much grieving we do. Because whether or not it is Myk's child, Connor is Audrie's brother. And I think that it is sad that if they are full siblings it wasn't even considered that they could be raised together. That said...I'm still pretty sure he isn't Myk's baby. But he is still wonderful and I am still very grateful for the gift Cassie gave me. And I expect an apology for the crap, but I probably won't get it.

Yeah Right

We are pretty busy at work. Lots of pallets. Just the normal upswing for getting ready for Winter Rush. Rich told us that we could basically work whatever we wanted to this week. So I have gone in early. Brenda tells me that she is going to work on Thursday as we have so much to do. Thursday is her normal day off. Okay. Then she asks me if I am coming in on Friday, my day off. Yeah right. Only if Rich asks me to or if there were still 14 pallets sitting on the floor. When I left yestereday there were three baby pallets and a big pallet with no more scheduled this week. I'm not working on Friday. I'm going to lunch with Marilyn and Fred. :)