Imperfect Produce

We signed up for Imperfect Produce to give them a shot.  They will bring us a small box every other week of fruits and vegetables.  The premise is so much food at the farm level is thrown away because it is not perfect for retail. So this company is taking some of that imperfect produce and selling it this way.
We were able to apply for the reduced priced box due to the kids' TANF.  We qualified so our first box was about $9.  There were apples, mandarin oranges, oranges, potatoes, onions, cauliflower, acorn squash and carrots.  This stuff may have been imperfect but it all looked fine to me...like what you would buy at the farmer's market. 
I ate one of the squash and it was mighty tasty.  Trying to do something good. 

Seventh Birthday

While time is flying by, in some ways it seems really slow.  And so the little man's seventh birthday finally got here.  He had wanted a bowling party and I just could not make that work.  And so we landed on Dizzy Castle.  He invited four friends and the party was on.
It was a busy busy day.  Work/school/daycare and then we had to pick up the gifts and the cake.  He picked this beautiful cake from Albertsons.  Good things kids don't really care how the cake tastes because it was not a fresh cake, but it was gorgeous. 
Then we headed to Dizzy Castle to make sure we beat the guests and let me tell you we just made it.  The kids had a blast and wore off a lot of energy.  The little man and one friend closed the place down.  The little woman had mostly played by herself.  Thursday evenings are pretty quiet at the castle so there weren't a lot of other kids.  Personally I find that to be a plus. 
So here is hoping the his seventh year will be a great year for him.  I hope he learns a lot in school and in life.  I hope that he is happy and healthy and continues to be funny.  I love this boy.  He is my very sweet loving boy who rocks my world. 

An Education Into The Brain

First let me get my girl out of the way.  She runs and the therapist says to let her.  For her it is safety.  She usually stays on the street right here.  And that is fine.  Where it becomes challenging is when she goes to a neighbors.  The neighbors think they are doing a good thing, but what they are doing is rewarding her anxiety behavior.  They give her a snack.  They let her play with kids, pets, etc.  They tell her what a bad situation it is. And she has been manipulating that now.  We can see it.  So the therapist did warn her about the girl who cried wolf one too many times.  I don't know if that sunk in or not.  But we will take it one day at a time.

Now the boy is a whole different scenario.  Since he was exposed to a lot of heroin before he was born...that heroin changed his brain.  His brain is smaller than a healthy brain.  It does not have all the groves and niches.  So it it was stretched out it would have a lot less surface space than a healthy brain.  The left side and the right side may not have gotten all the connectors in place.  And his hippo campus is enlarged and rules his world.  The hippo campus is leftover from our caveman days and was for instinct and survival.  Fight or Flight.  So my little man is always in a state of fight or flight.
The plan is to now up therapy.  We will be going two days a week and seeing a home person once a week.  We are going back to the psychiatrist, because we both agreed it may be time for some meds.  And we will work from there at level 3 services and see.
We did take a positive that I had noticed.  Since we started therapy he has not thrown stuff at me.  He has not put any new holes in walls or doors.  He still grabs my hair but I noticed the last time...he was just holding it, not pulling.  He and I talked about it and he does that so I won't leave.  So besides my haircut we are going to work on a new plan there....but not one where he has a choice.

Then she asked about Christmas.  The donors to the Children Center buy tons and tons of gifts for the holiday and anyone who is a client is welcome to partake.  Well my first inclination is no we are okay.  And then I reminded myself to get out of my own way.  Sometimes it is not about me.  So the therapist is going to start shopping the gifts as they come in and find some things for the kids.  Amazingly enough the little man was our hard one.  He has no passion other than nerf guns and we aren't doing that. Part of his brain tells  him to not get attached to anything because he will lose it.  And isn't that sad.
We had some positives.  And it was a good meeting.  And I hope it goes well in our next step.

Day Five

Woke up feeling like I might live.  We got ready to go.  Kids to school.  I had an appointment with the therapist.  Got there and had my appointment and it was very enlightening. I'll talk about that in another post.
I had to park in the boondocks.  And I had to make two trips inside.  By the time I left I was ready for a nap.  Got in the car and as I pulled out of the parking lot, thought I should go pick up some things at the grocery store....but I just want a nap.
So I just went home and figured maybe I would feel better or at least well enough to hit the grocery store later.  Three hours later I woke myself up with a bizarre dream.  Got up for about two minutes and went...nope back on the couch and that is where I stayed the rest of the night.  I did eat some of the little man's scrambled eggs and that actually helped my tummy.  Funny how no food for five days can make your tummy hurt.
I know I am still sick, but I am feeling better than I did.

Day Four

So I managed to make it to work.  Worked for an hour and said that was it.  Went home and planted myself on the couch.  Sleep was very peaceful without children.  I'm definitely ready to be back to normal or what passes for normal anyway.  Guess this bug will pass when it is ready.

Day Three

Okay.  I'm ready for this to be gone.  Today the fever gave me the shivers that lasted a good half an hour.  The kids weren't quite as well behaved today.  Finally we went to Pat's so the little man could have some amusement and I could rest on his couch. 

My Turn

I caught some bug.  I have no clue as to what it is.  Muscle aches, fever, joints are stiffer than normal.  I spent almost the whole day just lazing around on the couch.  The little man took care of me. He stayed right with me except when he was at Tank's house for awhile.
Todd from across the street brought me some ginger ale.  At first I was like why was he bringing us soda....and then I realized what it was.  My tummy had been a little upset also so I drank some of that and that helped.  When I poured a glass I realized I hadn't ate or drank anything all day.

Real Black Friday

The little woman and I hit up Fred Meyers for their half price socks. I did manage to find two sets of socks. This year they put all the socks in one place and everyone was in the socks.  You couldn't move a cart around it them. We also got a projector to beam snowflakes on our house.  We shall see how that looks.
Then we zipped over to Kohl's to do my online pick up.  We decided not to shop at all because they had lines wrapping to the back of the store. 
Got gas, picked up the little man and headed home.  And that is where we stayed.

Thankgiving

Went off without a hitch.  Mom did not remember her house and was perfectly fine.  The littles both ate turkey.  I was amazed.  Pat enjoyed his mini pie. We did a group hug and told what we were thankful for.  Three families, God, and chocolate pie
The little man went with Pat for a sleepover and the little woman and I took Mom home.  Then we ventured to the Black Friday sale at Walmart.  It was pretty packed.  Walmart had a lot of help.  We did not buy any Black Friday items.  Just some milk and snacks and then home we went for a quiet evening. 

Day Before

The littles went to school for their half day.  I picked up (again), vacuumed and did a little more decorating.  Cleaned the kitchen including sweeping and mopping.  Picked up the kids and then they began the mess.  Lucky me, it wasn't up to their normal messiness. 
We took a night time walk after I made our one pumpkin pie and one mini chocolate pie.  I probably said this last year....and maybe not....but as I was making the mini pie I was reminded of my grandma making mini pies.  She always did.  Course hers were fruit pies, but I always liked having my own little pie. 
The bird is thawed and ready to go tomorrow morning.  The bread for stuffing is in the bowl awaiting the butter and onion mixture.  The little woman said she would help tomorrow with the table.  I think it is her favorite part.  And she does a nice job. 
So now to bed and the fun begins in the morning.  I believe the littles are suppose to have a video visit with their little siblings.

Number

The therapist and I were having a little conversation about Thanksgiving Day Dinner.  She wanted to know how many would be at our feast and I said five for sure.  Then I commented on how cooking for five is so much different than cooking for 14 plus that I used to do.  She commented that cooking for one is so much different than cooking for five.  We are having a turkey and she is having a cornish game hen.  Too funny.

She told me what the little woman told her she was eating for Thanksgiving.  She is still insisting she is eating turkey.  We shall see.  She also can't wait for the hot rolls.  The little man will eat a lot more of it.  And then he will eat the soup we make this weekend.  I think the soup is the best part.  

Oy

Ohhhhh it gets worse before it gets better.  The little woman is getting so much more anxious.  She is willing to just stay outside in the cold rather than be in the house on the off chance that he is going to do something.
So I got her in....it is cold outside.  All he did was walk into the kitchen and she goes into a panic attack and trying to get away.  So I grabbed her so she wouldn't go over the fence again.  Drew really dislikes it when she does that.  I also didn't want her out in the street screaming.  Well just like the little man....holding escalates it.  Finally I let her go and let her run.
I know we are never going to be normal.  But I don't want all of this to be us.  And so we keep taking it one day at a time and working with the therapist.  Here is hoping for some changes in the other direction soon.

Grand Day

We had a grand down day.  We did not venture anywhere in the car. The littles played with friends.  I walked around the block to find the little man when it got dark.  Turns out his new green machine got a snapped bolt.  The dad of the kids the little man was playing with fixed it.  Amazing. 
The alarming thing  was when the little woman came home and told me some woman gave her a ride.  Wait...what?  As the sun was going down it was cooling off.  When she ventured off to play on 10th St she wasn't wearing a coat.  So on the way back (all of three blocks) some woman gave her a ride.  It wasn't like stranger danger or anything.   Wait...what? I guess she had forgotten how upset I got at the little man when he got in a car with people he didn't know.  He was like four years-old.  I was completely flabbergasted. 
Anyway the day started well and ended well.  The littles had baths and then one fell asleep on the couch and the other was lights out by bedtime.  Mostly a grand day. 

Grown Up Time

The neighbor followed through with his plan of taking the kids for a couple hours one afternoon.  He and his friend took the littles to Big Al's for some bowling and arcade fun.  The littles had a blast.  I was a little apprehensive when they left because the little man was starting to amp up.  But it worked out fine.  Probably the change in routine and scenery was all it took for better behavior.
I went and picked up Mom and we met Pat at the pizza place.  We had a nice pizza.  We had some grown up time and conversation.  Pat was cluing us in on his plans for his MN trip.  We talked about his working extra the beginning of the week since he has most of the week off for the holiday.  Mom kept talking about visiting the store next door to the pizza place.  I'm not sure what she wanted in particular or just to look.  Maybe that is where I will take her shopping for Xmas. 
I got home about four minutes after the kids and the neighbor.  Good timing that. 

Scheduled

And what a choice I got to make.  The next available slot was Tuesday right after Thanksgiving.  The doc said he would miss a week of school.  So that didn't really feel like an option.  As well as his birthday would be two days later.
The next option was Christmas Eve Day.  That is a great choice also.  So what to do.  I choose Christmas Eve Day.  That way he won't miss any school.  I am home with him for the day of surgery and the next day for sure.  I can probably request a day or two more if needed.
It kind of puts a damper on the holiday.  Or not.  Time will tell whether he bounces right back or takes a few days to really recuperate on the down low.

Surgery

We had the appointment this morning with the ENT specialist.  He was great.  And he said time to take those tonsils out and most likely the adenoids also.  So we will be scheduling that soon.
When we got home we all looked at the little man's tonsils.  The two littles compared theirs.  He came walking out going "they are really big".  Yes, yes they are. 
Happy to be making progress on that front. 

Trauma

I read this on facebook and it resonated.  "Trauma is not always about what happened, but how a person experienced it."  I know this.  Doesn't mean my brain goes that way.  When we were doing the intake appointments for therapy I was struck by how much trauma we have experienced as a family and individually.
Each single incident doesn't seem like much.  And my way of processing is quick and done, most of the time.  So this week I am not thinking about what happened last week, last month, last year.  But that is me.  So I was flabbergasted when I realized that the littles are not like me.  And they do not process like me.
That has not made me very helpful to them.  Not necessarily harmful, but not helpful either.  So that was another crack in he already broken heart.
The other saying that resonates is we do the best we can.  When we know better, we do better.  And so I am grateful for the therapist.  I am grateful for teachers who come from a different place and see different strategies to help.  I am grateful for a safe daycare that has given us a solid foundation.
We are as always taking life one day at a time.  We breathe.  We love.  Hopefully we heal.

Refrigerated Eye Drops

I grew a tolerance to the eye drop I was using.  The pressure was slowly rising in my eye.  So the eye doctor switched me to a different drop.  This one goes in at night and came refrigerated.  The pharmacist told me to keep it refrigerated.  So I have. 
The old drop was a morning drop and I kept it by the coffee maker.  Then every morning when I made coffee I would use the drops.  I don't have a night time routine that includes the refrigerator.  So the little woman took on the job of being my reminder and she is pretty good.
Today was the six week check up to see if the new drops are working.  I'm pleased to say that they are.  My pressure dropped by five points.  And the doctor was very happy.  I commented about the cold drops and he told me I did not need to refrigerate the drops once they were opened. 
I think I will though as it is now part of our nighttime routine and the little woman feels important being the reminder. 

I Already Knew

A few weeks ago my brother asked us what we thought....Rebecca wanted to cook Thanksgiving Dinner.  Mom of course is fine with whoever cooks it.  And I was like yes we can do that.  Pat said he would talk to her again to make sure and then he promptly forgot.
I've been at the grocery store twice since then looking at all the food for Thanksgiving.  And each time I have resisted starting.  There is no point in my buying if I'm not cooking.
So we were down to two weeks till Thanksgiving and I thought perhaps I should check with Pat.  I texted him.  He texted back that he had forgot and that he would find out.  And the reason why I checked two weeks in advance.....because I knew how it was going to go and I needed enough time to gather up the stuff we would need.  Yup.  Rebecca got a new boyfriend and she would be spending Thanksgiving at his house.  Okay then.  Exactly as I expected it to go.
So the littles and I have started the cleaning getting ready for company.  This morning I asked the little man to clean his room.  And he cleaned it spotless.  Even vacuumed it.  He had to show me and I was beyond impressed and proud of him.  It was reminiscent of days gone by when Doug used to keep his room really clean.  Course he was a teenager and the little man is still 6 years-old.
The plan is to finish the living room today.  We did the kitchen yesterday.  Tomorrow I may clean the carpet in the living room.
And then my anxiety level can rise.  Mom hasn't been here since last Thanksgiving.  We always do family dinner out or at Pat's house.  Sometimes being here brings out her anger at her whole situation.  Now she has started to forget Pat's house, so here is hoping she has forgotten this house and it all goes smooth. 

We Beat It

We did some work in the morning so we would be free this afternoon to go bowling.  Everything was going along fine and then it was time to go. 
We get to the bowling alley to see a parking lot full of cars.  Inside was a crowd of people.  There was a tournament going on.  I really wish this stuff would be listed on their website.  It can't be that hard to put a calender on a website.  I had disappointed children. 
We went home and they played with neighbor kids.  I made some calls and looked up some more websites.  Hazel Dell has great Sunday prices, but they have a league Sunday night so open bowl is very limited.  Big Al's didn't give me anything positive to make me want to go there.  Crosley has Sunday prices and open bowl all day and evening.
So when the littles were about done playing we headed out.  Grabbed some food and went to Crosley.  We finally beat the day with being able to bowl.  Only took three tries over two days.  We used the bumpers and that makes things much nicer......I bowled all right. The little man did much better than a couple of weeks ago and the little woman got her toe wet.  It was fun.
We hadn't been bowling since we went to Eben's birthday party when we lived in the apartments.  Now we have been twice this month with a third time planned.  I think I am pushing the little man's party till Dec. 1 though because that is a Saturday. 

Not Our Day

The little man had a small melt down.  Not extraordinary, but enough.  So then we had to wait until he had been behaving for awhile before we could continue on with our day.  Bowling was the plan.  When all the planets were aligned we went to the bowling ally.  We were one car too slow.  The people who pulled in right before us got the last lane of open bowling.  Oy.
So then we went to the post office to mail off some packages.  Carried them all inside only to find that the machine to self send was not working for sending packages.  Now those packages have to wait until Monday.  Guess that is all right as then I will get some Xmas stamps to go on our cards. 
Next we went to Uncle Pat's house and naturally no one was home.  We ran out of ideas at that point and went home.  Then I noticed my new lamp was a bit bent. 
We decided to go watch a movie in bed and that tomorrow will be a new day. 

Bohemian Rhapsody

I did finally get to see the movie.   And it was as good as I expected.  I'm sure there was some poetic license to the story.  Afterall we won't ever know what Freddie Mercury's perspective was.  He was a fabulous artist and a great innovative songwriter.  And he left this world way too young. 
It reminded me of my first concert way back in 1980.  Kim and I went and seen Queen in the Memorial Coliseum.  Our first concert.  It was loud and crazy and wonderful.  I can still almost see the band on stage.  We were pretty far back up in the nose bleeds.  When we came out neither one of us could hear well because of the ringing in our ears (if only we knew the damage that was done that night). 
It was a great concert.  It was a great movie.  I am blessed. 

Appointments

As promised the clinic called in the allotted time frame for an appt. with the specialist for the little man.  We see him next week.  So we are moving right along on that front.
I have two messages on my machine from Mom's place. Seems her primary care physician wants Mom to take a fall prevention class.  I ignored the first message and then got another one.  This time someone actually talked to Mom's doctor.  I'm feeling like this person does not have much of a clue and has not spoken to my mother in awhile.  My mom is beyond learning new things.  She would not remember anything from this class. 
Odds are though that she and I will have to take the class.  I can't be called irresponsible if I do what is asked.  But I have to say it is the most ridiculous waste of our time right now.  Even the receptionist was laughing a bit about it when I tried to return the call earlier.  Maybe I do like I did when they wanted her to take the bone density test after she broke her arm.  I questioned it...because she didn't break her arm. Anyway....

Conferences

It is that time of the year.  I had both of my conferences this afternoon.  Started with the little man and I was apprehensive.  Anymore anytime the phone rings I expect it to be the school telling me what he did wrong that day.  And he does wrong.  He still has a problem maintaining control of his hands and keeping them to himself.
We have dealt with CPS coming, cops coming and all those things entail.  I have had a neighbor suggest he go to the 49th Street Academy.  I had to look that up and it is really hard to discern what it is, but it can't be a good place.  It may be a necessary place, but not a nice place.  And so my nerves are a bit shredded.
I mentioned the academy to his teacher, who knew nothing about it.  She did tell me we were no where near even looking at any other placement for the little man.  She came across as she didn't even think it was ever an option.  She told me about his check in, check out plan with Mr. Jones and that is working so far.....but it is the first week of it.  There is a whole group of people paying attention though.  She explained to me how she tries to head anything off in the classroom and pointed out some things that help.  I am going to utilize some of her strategies.
Then on to the good.  He is where he should be in some subjects and ahead in others.  She is going to give him some harder math and let him know how good that makes him compared to the average student.  Education wise he is going great, just like last year.  And so we just keep moving forward and I felt greatly relieved.

Then I met with the little woman's teacher.  The little woman is doing so much better this year all around.  She is spot on in reading and math and as of right now will not be doing math academy  or have any reading interventions.  It's like it all started clicking for her this summer.  She is still a little hyper, but sometimes she just has to turn her desk around to settle down.  She is a great addition to her class.  I got to read some of her writings.  Funny how she would save homeless people with the money from her money tree.  Guess we still need to talk more about that and sign flyers who only want the money for their addictions.  But that is all right.  She has more empathy and compassion in her little finger than I do in my whole body.  And it is good for her to teach me.
We talked about the little woman seeing the therapist.  Seems there is some right hand left hand going on.  According to her teacher, no one ever told her the little woman was suppose to meet with the therapist.  So hopefully now that will work the way it is suppose to.  Anxiety is a hard thing to deal with and the little woman needs that help the therapist can give her.

So overall the conferences were positive and I walked away with a happy heart.

His Turn

So the little woman and I were not feeling great on Friday.  Mine lasted all weekend while hers was a day.  Today was the little man's turn.  We woke up to him barfing over the side of the bed.  Naturally I was hoping it was a fluke, but it was not.  He headed to the bathroom and informed me that his butt threw up. Great.
I called in to work and took the day off.  We did two quick errands where he didn't need to get out of the car and back to the couch. 
Tomorrow will be a new day and hopefully a better day for the little man.

Tonsils

The little man had his appt. with the pediatrician this morning.  He is healthy and in a growth spurt...as if I didn't know that. Since the beginning of Sept. he has gained another two pounds and grew an inch.   So then I commented on the sleep apnea and the doc took one look inside his mouth.  Said he was giving us a referral to the ENT specialist.  The little man has huge tonsils that have been infected at some point and made them already crypted.  Add that to the sleep apnea and we are most likely looking at removal.
And I am happy.  I am sure there is a correlation between sleep deprivation and behavior.  Not that I expect surgery to cure all that ails him.  But I think good sleep will go a long way towards making things better all around.
So far this is going along smoothly and rather quickly.  Got to like that.  We are suppose to have a call this week to set up an appt. with the ENT specialist.  And here is hoping that if he has to have them removed that the surgery is much easier on him than it was on his dad.

Cake and Ice Cream

We did the family cake and ice cream thing.  The little woman wanted to know if Uncle Pat liked chocolate ice cream.  He said he did, but.....you have to have vanilla ice cream with birthday cake.  So we got vanilla and mint chocolate chip.  The cake was small and must have been just the right size because after Grammy had her third piece it was all gone. 
The little woman got a VR headset.  I'm a little technology challenged and was having quite a time making it work.  Well not the headset, but the app on my phone.  I'm still working on it.  I think I need a different app. 

Leaves Anyone

I decided to take the kids to the park to wear off a little energy and maybe start the day different.  The work crew were there and just finishing up making these big big piles of leaves.  I saw a couple other kids play in a pile and then my two joined.  They are just too tempting and wonderful.  So they played for a good half an hour in the leaves.  Moving leaving, throwing leaves, jumping in leaves and covering each other up in leaves.
I was standing there with another woman when this little girl came up with her dog.  They both looked like they wanted to play but the little girl told us no because we are not suppose to.  Well then.  It's a park.  We did not mess up the piles much.  And there is no rule that says we couldn't.  I'm sure her parents told her no.  They are much more considerate than I am.  My two got this great experience of fun.  And it took a little bit of energy to do all they did. 
After two hours we left the park and the work crew had come back and were vacuuming up the leaves.  They did their part and we did ours.  There is a lot to say for play and we thank them for the pile of leaves they made just for us.  ;p

Spot It

The little man had a great day at school.  The little woman played sick.  I knew when we woke up that someone would be staying home.  I had plans to go see "Bohemian Rhapsody" in the afternoon and I just knew it would be one of those messed up plans. 
Turned out all right because I started feeling like crap and so did she.  So we had a quiet afternoon.  And then the little man came home.  I had decided that he needed some supervision...he had made a lady in a car mad the day before because he wouldn't get out of her way....she called the cops.  So I'm watching them play and shooting hoops turned into chase the ball or something.  The ball went up under another neighbors truck and when he came down the little man and a girl both went for it.  Well he got it, but he did push her out of the way to get it.  Not in anger....just stupid kid stuff.  Well her grandma got mad and called the cops.  I got two afternoons where I got to listen to what the officers tell me.  Makes you feel like an abject failure at first and then you dial it back and go wait......today was just kids playing and someone got a little hurt.  And when the cop left and the two moms of the kids playing sat down on the sidewalk and talked with the little man....that went over a little better with all of us.  I don't know what to do about the grandma.  The cops used to come all the time for the stupid stuff her grandsons did.  I would think she might have learned that it is stupid to call the cops for stupid stuff, but I think she learned a different lesson.  And in the mean time......
After dinner the little woman was playing with the little man and I do not know what transpired, but she did the run away trick.  Almost had her convinced to come back in once.  But no.  Then I got a phone call from Renee who told me the little woman was there.  I left her there for another 15 minutes and then we walked over and got her.  They were in the middle of playing a game called "Spot It".  And it was simple and quick and cool.  When they were done they played another round with the little man and every one was calm.  Renee then calmly asked him not to piss people off in the middle of the road because the woman the day before was a parent of one of her students.  And he agreed.  Once home we ordered that game because it is one we can all play and not cheat at. 

Sleep Apnea

I was reading a blip on one of my groups.  The woman was describing the little man to a T.  Like me she had tried lots of things.  And then she hit on sleep apnea.  Her son is a mouth breather.  So is the little man.  And that is a sign of sleep apnea.  Who knew?  I was always aware of the snoring and the stopping breathing.  She took her son in for a sleep study and he ended up having his tonsils and adenoids removed.  The behavior improved greatly. 
Dave suffered from sleep apnea all his life.  I can remember many many times where I would kick him to make him breath.  An anesthesiologist told me he could die in his sleep from sleep apnea.  Mom would tell the same stories about my dad.  And then my mom was diagnosed and got that wonderful cpap machine.  My brother was diagnosed after one Thanksgiving when he was getting really angry at me for moving him when he wasn't breathing while napping.  Mike had sleep apnea as a child and he had  his tonsils and adenoids removed and it stopped.   I have no idea if it returned as an adult or not.  My little man comes from a long line of sleep deprived people. 
The little man has the biggest tonsils I have ever seen.  I kept waiting for him to choke when he ate when he was little.  Now I am listening and I can hear him stop breathing.  I did a little research and decided the first step is to see his pediatrician. So we have an appt. next week to get that ball rolling. 
I don't expect this to fix everything but if it is contributing I want to do what I can to help.