Closing 2018

And this year finally ends.  Thank goodness.  I think it has been my hardest year ever.  I thought 2014 was bad.  Nah.  It was bad, but not so much compared to this year.  And yet I am counting my blessings.
We had a wonderful trip to Disneyland.  It was the best long weekend.  The kids will remember it forever and they already want to go back.   I told them they would have to do that when they can take themselves.  I have other things on my list that I want to do.
The fair was amazing.  The little man could ride rides this year.  Not just the little kid rides.  Next year he should be able to ride almost all the rides.
We are housed, clothed, fed and loved.  And we take one day at a time.'
The downside of this year is Mom's dementia progressing.  The little man's impulse control issues coming to light along with anxiety and 24/7 flight or flight.  The little woman's anxiety definitely got worse and we could now put a name on what was going on.  Her therapist said that she was also exposed to illegal substances, hence her anxiety and her highly sensitive issues.  Just not to the extent that the little man was.
All of this leaves me dealing with phone calls I don't want to take, talking to people I would rather not, listening to so many people tell me things that are so wrong and yet they believe it.  I have learned that while anxiety is a real issue....no one believes it who hasn't had to live it.  Even trained people seem oblivious.  I have watched more trauma be inflicted on the littles by well meaning people and people in authority and it makes me cringe.  What do you think it does a six year-old to have a cop tell him if you don't behave you can't live here anymore?  The behavior that he can't control yet and we are working on it.  What do you think it does to a six year-old to hear cops tell your nana to give you up for adoption if you can't be controlled.  It doesn't matter who he lives with.....it is an impulse control issue.  Or hey how about the convicted felon down the street who threatens a six year-old or the neighbors who keep coming by and telling him to be nice to his sister.
And how wonderful for an 8 year-old to hear that she can get rid of her biggest fear by pushing this and playing the neighbor down the street who calls police and makes CPS complaints.  That one is a double edged sword though....because that neighbor not only rewards her anxiety, she causes more.  She now has the little woman worrying about the dog when the dog doesn't need rescuing.  When things get loud and angry the dog just goes out the doggy door.  She has always had an escape route.  Shoot....the little woman has used that escape route.  One of the CPS complaints was that I minimize the whole situation.  Trust me, I don't minimize anything.  I live it.  And on and on and on.
Sometimes I need to take a step back and take three or four deep breaths.  I need to remind myself that I am doing what needs to be done.  We are in therapy.  Between us there are four appts a week.  And we are looking at some meds for the little man so that maybe his anxiety and hippo campus can be slowed down long enough for him to start processing all the things we are learning in therapy.  Here is hoping for a better year in 2019.
The blog ends the year with almost 53,000 pageviews since I started this one.  I didn't feel like doing the math to find out just what this years was.  My brain is a little tired. And so this year is done and still writing a daily post.  It is still a great journal and a great place to put some memories and some emotions.

A Little Better

You can tell the little man is starting to feel a little better.  At the beginning of the week he did not mind just lazing around the house.  By today he is going a little stir crazy.  So off to Pat's we went.  He played the game and we had Arby's for dinner.  Just a quiet night at Pat's house. 
The thing I noticed is he isn't breathing through his mouth anymore at night.  He is much quieter.  Sometimes I have to listen harder just to make sure he is breathing. 
It will be nice when he is all healed up.

No On the Zoo

We went and picked up the little man.  I thought we might go to the zoo, but the little woman really didn't want to.  So we stayed home and counted our blessings when the wind picked up.  It would not have been that nice of a day at the zoo. 
Turns out that OMSI also participates in the Arts for All program.  $5 admissions for us.  We didn't do that either, but I got my answer on whether we could utilize the program or not.  So it is on our list of things for the future. 
After a whole afternoon inside we were all going a bit stir crazy.  So I made up some scalloped potatoes and took them to Pat's.  The little man got to play some more games and we watched the fights.  Just family time.  Food time.  Next weekend we do the prime rib.

Quiet Night

The little man went to Uncle Pat's to spend the night and play games.  Girl night at our house and we did not do anything special.  Just stayed in and vegged.  It was so nice. 

Outside, Inside

Fight or flight can take many many forms.  It is part of anxiety.  Let me tell you anxiety encompasses a whole lot of things.  But right now our thing is fight or flight.  Now both kids suffer from it.  One fights and one flies.  The one who fights really causes the other to fly.  And then she flies even when there is no threat.  It is part of anxiety. And part of an enlarged hippo campus that both kids have.
After the little woman started therapy she opted to stay outside most of the time.  I don't know if it was therapy or just something she latched on to and did.  She would get home from school and stay outside until the little man went to bed.  She goes to friends' houses to play.  She sits on the step coming in and plays on my phone, reads, draws pictures, etc.  It is how she feels safe.  I did try to make her come in one day.  Picked her up and carried her in.  And as I did it I realized it was totally wrong.  It was the same as restraining the little man.....only escalates the feelings of fight or flight.  About that time I had an appt. with her therapist and she said to leave her be. If she wants to run, let her.  And I can't make her come inside and stay.  My therapist agreed with that assessment.
Now there have been times that that has wreaked havoc on my life.  Like the day she decided she also could not ride in a car with her little brother. That day was almost a panic attack and she showed it to many people who then wanted to know why she was so afraid.  My answer of anxiety.....does not satisfy a single person.  I guess you have to live it to understand it.  Her being outside seems to be part of a problem for one of my neighbors, who called CPS about it.  It's just one thing after another.  And we are doing the best we can and what we can.
Slowly a change has been occurring.  She is coming in a little earlier.  Even into the bedroom with us if we are watching a movie.  And then today....she stayed inside almost all day.  And when she was outside it was because he was also.  They played.  Now understand the door has to not be latched, but at least it can finally be almost closed.  She can ride in the car as long as her door is not locked.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today was a good day.
And then a little side note....while we were outside watching the little man play with his new RC, the neighbor who has the problem came outside and watched us.  She tried to make it look innocent, but when you are standing there watching instead of carrying that blanket inside with you...you are watching.  No reason to call the cops today.....course there never really is a reason for her to do that, but she does anyway.

End of the Christmas Stories

Early Christmas Eve we were at Pat's house and I noticed that Jayne and Dennis were home.  So I walked over and had a nice catch up.  It has been years and years since we just talked.  I had wanted to share my small world story with them and let them know how impressed I was with their son John.  It was really nice.
Betty came over and brought us a gift card.  We gave her gouda cheese and apples.  She gave us gouda one year many many many years ago, so I knew she would like it.  We dropped a few Lindor chocolates in the bag also since chocolate is our tradition.
Then we also took gouda cheese and apples over to the great-grandparents.  Gayle was happy with that.  I told her it was one of Dave's favorite snacks and she agreed with him.  We spent a few minutes with them and then I took the littles home.  It was close to pill time for the little man.  But they were happy to get to see both kids for a change.  I usually only bring one at a time and we never stay too long.

Merry Christmas

And a merry Christmas it was.  No one went overboard.  The little woman had seven presents under the tree and the little man had six.  Pat and Mom each had five.  The little man was thrilled to get the hoverboard that he negotiated for.  He can make it go, but it still tentative.  And he should be since he just got his tonsils out yesterday.  The little woman said her best gift was the holiday Barbie, but I noticed she spent a lot of time with the bracelet making set.
Each kid got to talk to the parents and I was happy that it came before the gift opening.  That way they didn't get asked about all their presents like the other siblings got.  Part of keeping life simple and manageable is a nice amount of presents that seems just right.
Santa did not come this year as we had planned.  In November the little man asked about the truth of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy.  Back when he was five, one of the neighbor kids told them the truth and I managed to put it off till now.  Since I was already having trouble with the difference in what Santa brings for them and others, I decided to use this time for the true meaning of Santa.  So we talked about how Santa is just fun, and that now that they know the truth, it is time to pay it forward.  We talked about who we could be Santa to.  Who in our small group of friends and friendly neighbors might need a Santa gift.  And we hit on Renee.  She lost her son this year so this holiday was going to be hard.  So the little man found a game she could add to her collection and the little woman gave her a candle.  We wrapped them up and very sneakily took them over to her house last night while she was gone.  I was glad she didn't choose that moment to come home.  And they were great with this. 

Merry Christmas. Making Amends. Karma.

Cheyenne came and babysat the little woman while the little man was having his surgery.  Then her friend showed up with some supplies.  Having a little man with impulse control issues means I have a few holes in the walls.  To be fair, some of those holes were put there by Daddy and that may be where the little man learned it.
I have been in no hurry to fix them because I want no more holes once I fix them.  Today Cheyenne's friend repaired and spackled a bunch of holes and divets.  He said the divets would really show up when new paint was applied.  And as long as he was doing the holes it was no big deal to spread a little spackle in them.  He will come back later in the week to sand and paint. 
And all of this he said Merry Christmas.  Said he was making some amends and trying to gain good karma.  I am so appreciative of the work and the walls look so much better.  And maybe we have earned a little good karma and that is why it worked out this way. 

Tonsil Free

We were up in the dark and headed to the surgical center at Vancouver Clinic.  We were not the first procedure of the day.  Our scheduled time was 6 a.m. We were on time and went right back.  He got his vitals checked and was told he had to wear their gown.  Yeah....that didn't happen.  The procedure was suppose to take about 45 minutes, but they were done quicker than that.
I could watch the screen to see where  he was.  He was in post-op for a long time before they came and got me.  That really made me wonder.  And then finally I went back.  Turns out the little man is exactly like his daddy and came out of anesthesia early and wild.  He pulled his IV out and got blood everywhere.  He was all cleaned up and eating a freeze pop when I went back.
They wheeled him down to the car and told me he would sleep most of the day.  Yeah....that didn't happen.  He did sleep in the car on the drive home and that was it until bedtime.  We kept him on his pain med schedule but he definitely could still feel the sore throat.
We were home by 9 a.m.  I'm just relieved it is done and now moving forward.

Nervous

So the little man admitted he was nervous about tomorrow.  We haven't talked about it, other than it is going to happen. So we had a chat about it not hurting when the procedure is being done.  Just like when he had dental work done.  He will be asleep.  I told him he will have a sore throat for a few days.  I think when we were done he was feeling a bit better about it, but I'm sure he is still nervous. 

Again That is Why

About the time I started this blog I had had an incident where we were recognized because of facebook pictures.  Mostly it is the redhead who is immediately spotted.  Well when that happened I got one of those hair on the back of my neck moments.  And I changed how I did things.  I made sure any pictures I post on facebook are for my friends only.  I try not to use current pictures for the wall or the profile picture as those are public. 
I took a long hard look at blogging and decided that I would still post pictures on the blog. But I don't do straight on face shots and boy some of those are cute.  But they are not for public consumption.  When kids are little their faces change a bit and I didn't worry too much about that.  But my littles are older now, so this is where I am at and why I did it. 
So I had another hair raising on the back of my neck moment.  I was reading Cassie's page and one of her friends commented about her daughter being on the same basketball team with the little man.  Wait....what?  Yeah she recognized the little redhead when the kids walked into the school.  Argh.  I can't ask Cassie to not post pictures on her page just because I get uneasy. 
So obviously I am going to have to just roll with it.  But boy.......

He's Too Smart

The little man popped off with a question about presents.  He wanted to know if I just bought the presents from Daddy and put the tag on it. I debated for about a split second of lying about it.  Then I told him the truth.  He said he figured because Daddy doesn't have any money.  That brain is always working. 

Boats

We ventured down to the waterfront to see the Christmas Ships.  This year we did not go so early so we did not have to wait long.  The waterfront was absolutely packed.  Last time we went there was hardly anybody down there.  The weather must have been different.
The boats came really close to the shore so we got a good look at them.  All the kids seemed to really like it when the boats would blow their horns.
Tonight was the last night for them touring this year.  It was our Christmas outing for the year.  It's been hard to fit things in, but we got this done and enjoyed it.

Therapy

We both had an appt. today with the therapist.  We talked about the school issue.  We talked about how things appear better at home.  Small changes seem to be having an effect.  Time will tell if we can maintain the good new habits.
She suggested I push for an IEP at school for the little man.  John had also said it was a good idea and I would have to start the process.  So maybe it is time.
It's always one more thing.

A Big Black Bag

The therapist called last night.  We planned to meet up today so I could collect my big black bag.  In that bag are Christmas gifts that had been donated to the Children's Center.
So I parked in the boonies and saw her when she arrived.  She parked three cars from me so it was pretty perfect.  I collected the bag and then took it home.
Inside were legos, an RC car, a barbie, games and a few odds and ends.  We are most appreciative.  Course the littles don't realize they are appreciative yet.  Maybe someday.
Now I need to find time to get things wrapped.  Always a fun job at my house.  I'm glad the therapist came through because I really was beginning to wonder.  And I was at a loss if she didn't as I am almost out of time.

Small World

We had our home appt. today.  John came and he was a tall guy.  The little man is obsessed with how tall people are right now.  So he says I look really familiar but he doesn't know me from my job.  He looks a little familiar to me also, but I have been around for a while and have seen a lot of people.
We start with some background and the little man goes into ignore mode.  About fifteen minutes later John asks me about a last name and it all clicks.  I have known his family since I was about 12.  I used to babysit his siblings.  He was the last born, so I knew him but I was on my way to making my own family etc by then.  Too funny.
About this time the little man is warming up and they play a game of Spot It.  And they talk about what is going to occur next time John comes, in the new year.  He had some great insights and reiterated what the therapist had said.  And added to it.
Here is having my fingers crossed and hoping for a positive change.

Together Time

Sometimes I like to say we now get too much together time on weekends.  We do better during the week when we all get a break from each other.  This weekend though was different.  We had all that together time and it went fine.  No fits.  No anger. 
The little woman had play prep today with the girl scouts.  They finished the set and baked cookies and practiced the play.  That took up most of her afternoon.  The little man and I just hung out at Pat's house. 
It was kind of a quiet day and that is all right. 

Family Dinner Something New

Pat had us all over for dinner.  He made a porchetta.  He had seen a video and thought it looked interesting.  It tasted pretty good.  The little man really liked it. 
There was one little mishap.  The porchetta is seasoned and then roasted until done.  After it comes out of the oven hot oil is poured on it to crisp up the outside.  Well Pat was using a pan that wasn't flat on the bottom and could not get the oil hot enough.  He switched pans and then he got the oil too hot.  Had a little fire going on.  Had a lot of smoke going on.  I knew it was going to happen.  He learned a lesson for next time. 
Mom and I had a lovely chat.  She was having a very coherent moment....or she was fooling me.  Either way it was nice to have a chat.  We talked about our favorite alcoholics and about kids and about our lives now. 
The little woman stayed and had a sleep over.  Rebecca was actually home this weekend. 

And the Shoe Drops

Liz is on vacation.  So I manned the warehouse and Brenda came in to help.  It was the last day of buyback and historically we get a lot of rental returns on the last day.  And we did get a lot today.
Half way through the day the school called.  The little man needed to be picked up.  No one could tell me why on the phone.  So I let my boss know I needed to leave to pick him up with a plan.
I arrived at the school and got a nice chat with a room full of people.  The little man had not had a good recess and it escalated.  So I got to take him with me.  Funny how they kept asking if I was going to be all right taking him.  Yes.  Took him to Pat's house and he hung out with Pat while I went back to work and finished my day.  I only lost half an hour which is a lot better than half a day.
When I got back I let my boss know I was back and she told me about some friends of hers.  They had adopted a boy who was around 5 and he had a lot of the same issues that my little man has.  They did a lot of therapy and basically all the things we are doing and he is much better now.  It was a reminder story that things do get better and there is always hope for a good future. 

Two In A Row

Two work days in a row with no interruptions.  We got a lot of rental returns processed and moved back onto the shelves.  Put in a lot of steps running back and forth to the buy back room.  Whew. 
Tomorrow is a long day and should be busy in the afternoon.  Here is hoping the trend continues.

A Plan

I had my appointment with the new therapist today.  We finished working on a crisis plan and a plan to maybe stop some problems before they become problems.  I have some work to do and told her some of it will be hard as it is just habit.  She agreed.
She told me the little man won't be able to see the psychiatrist again until Jan.  So we just work on our stuff until then.  She was going to get in touch with the school to see just what their plan of action is.  Since I don't know.  School is very good at letting me know when there is a problem, just not very good at letting me know the resolution.
One day at a time.

Therapist Appt.

Today was to be my appointment with the therapist.  But the little man could not go to school.  And daycare says no daycare if not allowed at school.  So my appointment turned into our appointment.  He wasn't totally forthcoming for her, but he did cooperate with her.  So that is a positive. 
We started working on a crisis plan.  We set up an appointment for next week for the home guy to come out and start some work at home.  One day at a time. 

One of Those Days

The little woman decided she was not going to school.  And I knew she was going to win.  I also know the long term blow that is.  And so Cheyenne came over and babysat while I went to work.  I have missed enough days the last month that I really need to work. 
So I am at work and going along just fine when Cheyenne calls.  The school called and left a message.  It seems the little man had a bad recess, got mad and ended up hitting an adult.  He needed to be picked up. 
Oy.  So I managed to work half a half day and then I went and picked him up.  We were told he could return on Wed.  Well there went my Tuesday.  Tuesday is the last day off during the week before Christmas.  And now I am not going to be able to finish the shopping.  Guess it is online some more. 
So the story as I gathered it afterwards.....someone interfered with his game during recess.  And when he tried to tell the recess monitor she told him he needed to get in the line.  He has a real code of right and wrong and that was wrong.  And hence his anger came out. 

Dogs

The little man always always asks before meeting dogs.  The little woman mostly asks before meeting dogs.  And even that sometimes plays against her.  She has been bit by a dog that an implicit  yes was granted.  The woman smiled at her when she asked.  She bent down to pet the dog and it bit her on her side.  She has been bit by a dog at the beach that was tied up outside a store...right by the door.  There was no avoiding that one. 
For the most part though they have met hundreds and hundreds of dogs and the experience has been positive.  They see a dog and that is all they want to do.....meet the dog. 
Today we were at Walmart (little man's birthday money was burning a hole in his pocket) and there was a person with a labradoodle.  I noticed the service dog patch before they did.  As soon as I said it was a service dog they immediately stopped heading towards it.  They understand that service dogs are working and they leave them alone. 
Of all the things I have taught them, it is the one thing that stands out.  How they interact or not with dogs they come across in public.  One thing right anyway.  And I will take that as a plus in a time that feels like we don't have a lot of positives. 

Super Saturday

We decorated our tree.  Then we waited for Uncle Pat to wake up.  The littles were having withdrawal.  So we went over there and the little man stayed for the afternoon.  The little woman and I hit the grocery store and took our stuff home.  I tried to get a nap, but was not successful.
Picked up the little man and came home and made "normal" spaghetti.  He had wanted spaghetti earlier in the week, but I only had the spaghetti sauce I use for pizza.  He did not care for it as spaghetti sauce.  Guess we are all picky in our own way. 

Cheap Tree

After work I stopped by the $8 tree stand.  I have no idea if they had any $8 trees.  The man immediately took me to the shorter trees.  My first criteria is it has to fit in my car.  So I'm looking for a four to five foot tree...if the price is right.  So we found a nice short tree with the right amount of thickness.  And he tells me it is five foot and it is $8 a foot.  Well that is beyond my budget.  I'm not spending $40 on a tree that will be tossed out in two weeks.  So he said he would take $30 and I bought it.  He carried it out to my car and it fit fine. 
Got it home and into the tree stand.  Our plan is to decorate this weekend.  Well this is the crookedest tree.  Between the little man and I, we managed to get it mostly upright in the stand.  Not perfect by any means, but not terrible either.  So now we are set for the next step tomorrow morning. 

Routine

Trying to get back to some kind of routine.  Not very successfully.  And then if we do manage, winter break starts in a couple of weeks.  And then Christmas.  Oy. 
Anyway the plan is to get a tree this weekend.  We have not had a tree in a couple of years.  The little man has promised to not open any presents before it is time.  He is also earning stuff back and one of those ways to do so is to not mess with the tree.  We shall see. 
We got our little projector set up.  I was not too sure of the little woman's choice for all white snowflakes.  We shined it on the front of the house, not the garage.  And it does pretty well.  It is amazing how bright it is in the middle of the night.  I thought someone left a light on, but it was just the snowflakes circling around.  I'm going to need to remember to unplug it every night.

Quick Health

The little woman slept in till almost 11 and then she felt fine.  So we spent the day taking it easy.  And I'm sure she is going back to school tomorrow.  I'm glad she didn't have it for all those days like I did. 

Super Tuesday

We had a plan and the littles followed through with it.  So we went and saw "Ralph Breaks the Internet" at the local theater.  Tuesday is Super because all admission is $5.  The littles also had soda and a candy.  We thoroughly enjoyed the movie.  The little man kept laughing.  He got a lot of the jokes. 
The little woman had to be picked up from school today with a fever.  A pill made her feel well enough to go to the movie, but I could tell when it wore off. 
We also met the new level 3 therapist.  Things are going to be a bit different this time.  I have an appointment next week and so does the little man.  We are working on a plan for crisis in the future and she also gave me the crisis line number. 
My homework is working on very specific household rules. 

Lunch Date

I was suppose to take Mom shopping for Christmas.  But it was soooo cold.  And I didn't want to.  I did go see her and then she wanted to go out to lunch.  We hit the local dive by her house and I thought lunch was fine.  But by the end of it, she did not. She did not like their coffee cups.  They were too thick and too heavy.  She squirted ketchup all over her fries and her sandwich which was a french dip.  Then she ate half the sandwich and most of the fries.  I couldn't tell if the complaint was too much food or she didn't get enough food.  She told me she did not want to go back there again.  She will forget before the next time.  The great thing about it is its convenience to her place.  Ah well.
Took her back home to nap.  Took myself back home to nap.  Lots of work days are coming so naps will again be in short supply.

Taking Care

It felt pretty good to spend the whole weekend at home.  Just taking care and taking it easy.  We got two Christmas cards on Saturday.  I was gifted this picture in one of them.  It is from 1969.  That is me, my grandfather and my cousin.  I'm still waiting to hear the story behind the picture because I sure don't remember it. 

Better

So Thanksgiving, then six days of being sick.  Sick enough that not much got done.  I did manage to make the turkey stock.  It was either that or throw it all away.  I did manage to get a couple of dishwashers ran. 
Then I worked a half day and then a full day and the evening of those days were filled with activity. 
There was the birthday party.  Then yesterday Chad and Ky came down, took us to dinner and then took the little man to his first Blazer game.  The little woman and I then hit the grocery store.
So today is the first day at home, feeling better and ready to kick a little butt.  Finished cleaning up pans and misc. odds and ends from Thanksgiving.  The roaster still awaits the dishwasher but it is clean. 
I set out the supplies for the little man to make some cookies.  And that he did until it was time to roll the dough in the cinnamon and suger mixture.  I think he does not like that texture on his hands.  He has such concentration when he cooks.  He did a great job and then I overbaked the snickerdoodles.  They taste all right but they don't have that right texture.  Ah, c'est la vie.