Closing 2018

And this year finally ends.  Thank goodness.  I think it has been my hardest year ever.  I thought 2014 was bad.  Nah.  It was bad, but not so much compared to this year.  And yet I am counting my blessings.
We had a wonderful trip to Disneyland.  It was the best long weekend.  The kids will remember it forever and they already want to go back.   I told them they would have to do that when they can take themselves.  I have other things on my list that I want to do.
The fair was amazing.  The little man could ride rides this year.  Not just the little kid rides.  Next year he should be able to ride almost all the rides.
We are housed, clothed, fed and loved.  And we take one day at a time.'
The downside of this year is Mom's dementia progressing.  The little man's impulse control issues coming to light along with anxiety and 24/7 flight or flight.  The little woman's anxiety definitely got worse and we could now put a name on what was going on.  Her therapist said that she was also exposed to illegal substances, hence her anxiety and her highly sensitive issues.  Just not to the extent that the little man was.
All of this leaves me dealing with phone calls I don't want to take, talking to people I would rather not, listening to so many people tell me things that are so wrong and yet they believe it.  I have learned that while anxiety is a real issue....no one believes it who hasn't had to live it.  Even trained people seem oblivious.  I have watched more trauma be inflicted on the littles by well meaning people and people in authority and it makes me cringe.  What do you think it does a six year-old to have a cop tell him if you don't behave you can't live here anymore?  The behavior that he can't control yet and we are working on it.  What do you think it does to a six year-old to hear cops tell your nana to give you up for adoption if you can't be controlled.  It doesn't matter who he lives with.....it is an impulse control issue.  Or hey how about the convicted felon down the street who threatens a six year-old or the neighbors who keep coming by and telling him to be nice to his sister.
And how wonderful for an 8 year-old to hear that she can get rid of her biggest fear by pushing this and playing the neighbor down the street who calls police and makes CPS complaints.  That one is a double edged sword though....because that neighbor not only rewards her anxiety, she causes more.  She now has the little woman worrying about the dog when the dog doesn't need rescuing.  When things get loud and angry the dog just goes out the doggy door.  She has always had an escape route.  Shoot....the little woman has used that escape route.  One of the CPS complaints was that I minimize the whole situation.  Trust me, I don't minimize anything.  I live it.  And on and on and on.
Sometimes I need to take a step back and take three or four deep breaths.  I need to remind myself that I am doing what needs to be done.  We are in therapy.  Between us there are four appts a week.  And we are looking at some meds for the little man so that maybe his anxiety and hippo campus can be slowed down long enough for him to start processing all the things we are learning in therapy.  Here is hoping for a better year in 2019.
The blog ends the year with almost 53,000 pageviews since I started this one.  I didn't feel like doing the math to find out just what this years was.  My brain is a little tired. And so this year is done and still writing a daily post.  It is still a great journal and a great place to put some memories and some emotions.