Grief

Most of the time I just don't feel sadness, anger, pain, etc.  But today I think I felt a little grief.  A little sadness for the fact that Dave seems to be doing better.  Sounds like he is going to meetings and doing all those things he wanted to do.  And I'm like why couldn't he have done that when I was there? Why couldn't he do it for me? Why couldn't he have been honest with me and why can't he?  It just surprised me to actually feel something when I haven't the whole time I've been out other than annoyance.  Annoyance I feel.  I'm happy for him.  I hope he does find a good recovery road and maybe now he can because obviously with me he couldn't.  And that doesn't mean the road is great.  He still tries to drag me into the co-dependent role with all that surrounds Mike.  

So today I grieve the marriage that made it 29 years before it imploded.  It is sad, but I don't feel it anymore. And that is sad too.  29 years finished teaching me how to stuff emotions. 

He's Good

Connor got his cast off today. His X-ray showed his arm is healed. Yay! So then after he was home he fell several times and every time he looked at his arm. Maybe he was just trying to make Nana nervous. Anyway he is good and I won't have to tell the story anymore of his two broken arms.

Back Handed Insult

So after I gave Mike a ride he made his way to Dave's.  Dave then agreed to let him stay there for a few days. When he told me about it he commented that he must be as big of an enabler as I am. Really, seriously?

Stupid

Maybe that tattoo on my forehead is right. Audrie and I ended up giving Mike a ride even though I said no more. Oy. At this rate I never will learn.

Neighbor

We went to a BBQ at the neighbors. I've been in their place several times. It always strikes me how much they live there. It is home. They have been there for awhile.
When you walk in our place you know we are just marking time. We are transient. Won't be here for years. We have a few things up on the wall to make it homey, but it still shows.  Not sure how to feel about that as this is home for right now.

A Letter

My life is mapped out.  I am staying here until it is time to move.  That happens when my mom moves.  And then I will live in her house.  At this point in time I don't ever intend to live with another man.  I won't rule it out, but it isn't planned.  I won't be married again.  I thought I would be married until I was old and always said I wasn't going to do that again.  I still feel that way, even though I'm not old now that my marriage is over.  And it's not that I didn't like aspects of marriage.

I just don't want to have to wash some guys clothes, cook for  him all the time, check with him before I do anything or make any plans, etc.  I like the freedom of doing what I want and when I want.  And we are always doing things.  

What I want is someone someday who wants to do things once in awhile that are just fun.  No entanglements.  I don't figure anyone wants to get too involved in my life and I want to keep it compartmentalized at least for a long while.  And right now I don't have the energy to get too involved in anyone else's life.  

And I don't see any of this happening for a long while.  The only person right now who could even come close to being that is George.  And he seems to think I want some great love affair or that I'm not worthy to be in his life.  Well so be it. I've had my great love affair with George and never even knew if he felt the same way.  That kind of relationship is way too hard.  I'm all about easy now. And while I will always love George, I can't prove to him that he is wrong.  And maybe he's not.  Just would have liked the chance to find out, but he never asked what I wanted or was looking for. So I guess he will be my facebook friend and we can play candy crush.  :p

So back to life and doing great things with the little kids.  BBQing tonight with the neighbors.  I love some things about apartment life.  :)

Noticings

Audrie is showing signs of outgrowing that 2-4 year-old stage. Things I have been saying are finally sinking in. Like asking to meet dogs and watching for cars. She is a smidge nicer to her brother.
Connor is showing signs of entering that stage. Bigger temper tantrums and doing what he wants.
Mom is getting worse and it is hard to watch.
I briefly talked to Elizabeth online. She told me she did not send that email telling me to never contact her again. We agreed that the people who think we are stupid are wrong.
Cinetopia seats are very nice, but I would never pay full price just to see a movie there.
My car is clean....yay. Course that will only last two days if I'm lucky.