Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

After waiting for three days to find out when the funeral is going to be...because we do have life to live I finally called Layne's and they told me.  Saturday, Dec. 13 at 11 AM.  Okay now I know I don't have to take any days off from work next week and I'm free to make plans for this weekend.  Other than it being a control issue and controlling every one else's lives waiting to find out when....I have no clue as to why Doug didn't let people know.
But I am not in charge.  I am not the boss.  My opinion is not solicited nor wanted.  I notice the snide little postings on facebook and I am a duck, but I also changed my settings so I don't have to see those kind of posts.  So I take a deep breath and chant the prayer because it is all I really can do and change my own attitude.  So that is what I'm trying to do and I know I won't be successful 100 percent of the time.
I am sorry for Doug's loss.  I know he did lose a parent even if they weren't close.  Doug has spent the last twenty years being a minimal member of our family. So he really has no idea of all the dynamics.  And he isn't willing to hear about them.  He has a job to do and he is going to do it at the expense of anyone else's feelings.
I'm trying to get the mindset that his way is not the wrong way just a different way.  It is just different than any way it has ever been done in this family.
One last dig though............I honestly feel like he went out of his way to make sure Dave didn't get to finish the plan for me to rent the house to give me time to try and buy it.  I'm not sure that me renting the house would have affected his percentage that much so it is kind of puzzling as to why.  He doesn't want it.  Uses the excuse that he can't afford it (and he probably can't).  And then it hit me.  He doesn't want me for a neighbor.

Christmas Party

The littles and I attended my work Christmas party.  It was hailed as the Festival of Crocks.  And yet there was only one tiny crock there.  Usually at our work potlucks there are tons of crocks.  Too funny.  We tried some new food.  The littles got to play with Grayson.  It was good to be with my work buddies and just relax for an hour.
Then the littles got amped up and it was time to go.  As soon as we were downstairs they were back to being the lovely children that I know they can be.  Sometimes I wonder why they don't show other people that side.

Well Children

The littles had their well child check ups.  They are both fine.  Connor got a flu shot and he was not happy.  Audrie got three shots for five immunizations.  They were able to combine four into two.  She was unhappy to say the least.  Took three of us to hold her down.  We did and she got her shots.  Two minutes later she was all over it.  It is hard to explain to a kid that fighting it only makes it worse.  Now she is good for a long time except that flu thing once a year.  ;P

Another Day

We spent the day at home until it was time to go to WIC.  Waited to hear any news on when the service might be.  No word.  Guess I will hear when I hear.
Woke up this morning and realized I'm okay.  Yesterday was a little hard.  Which in itself is amazing. Since I tend to be so non emotional at sad things.  Tears almost a few times.  But I am nothing if not a self-preserver and stuffed that emotion right back down. Today there was nothing.
Called Liz and told her I was coming back to work tomorrow.  She seemed surprised.  I can only clean my apartment so much especially with my little tornadoes behind me.  So I'm ready to do something constructive with my time.  At this point I figure I will work Friday also.

Catch Up

I get it.  All these things that need to be done are life's way of giving you something to do so you don't think too much.  To think is to feel.  So yesterday we started cleaning house.  Well one of us did that while the other two went behind making more messes.  Always.  Good to be normal.
The cupboards are a little bare so we need to get grocery shopping.  Connor has a WIC appointment.  Both kids have well child check ups this week since they did turn five and three.  Work Christmas party this week.  We will be making that.  Kaina had asked me and I told him yes we would be there unless life threw me a curveball.  Well life did, but then it threw another one.  So yes there will be at least two children at the party.
I got an appointment for Connor's three year pictures made.  That way I can actually get my Christmas cards done.  And there is that.  Three weeks till Christmas.
Right back into moving forward and living life.

Too Much Drama

Funny how times of stress sometimes bring families together and sometimes tear them apart.  So Tanya is kind of back in our life.  And we shall see if she remains so once this is all done.  Doug on the other hand is showing his addiction.  Not living with Dave I have gotten used to not dealing with the affects of it. The control issues, the manipulating, the whole thing.  So I fall right back into old patterns.  And I hate that.
So after Layne's came to get Dave this morning we were asked to leave so they could clean.  The whole rest of the family weren't leaving.  Only us.  Wait, what?  Yeah turns out cleaning had nothing to do with it.  The littles were too annoying to Doug and Kristie and that was why we were asked to leave.  Wait, what?  Yes they were asked to leave their second home because they were making noise.  And let me tell you they weren't making anywhere near the noise they can.  I thought they actually did pretty good considering the circumstances.  But that was fine.  We went home and spent the day by ourselves.  Because we really didn't want to be there.
So I am still going to write off all the treating us badly as grief.  And I'm letting go all the rest.  Doug wants to do it all and be secretive about all of it he can have it and do that.  After the funeral I really don't have to have anything more to do with him while he is in his own addiction. And honestly he wasn't going to have anything more to do with us either.  Just like the last twenty years.  And that will be fine.
I'm sure I will be informed of when the funeral will be.  Probably by Tanya.  Afterall she is the one who told me today Doug has deemed it okay for the littles to have their toys, their books and their bunkbed from Papa's house.

Life As We Knew It Just Ended

Thirty one years of being in love, loving, caring, sharing, parenting, supporting through the loss of grandparents, parents and addictions.  And today it ended.
Dave was my husband for twenty nine years.  Our divorce was a necessary step in his disease of alcoholism. It pushed him to have some more periods of sobriety.  I would have liked to say that he found it for the rest of his life, but I know that isn't true.
Even divorced he was still my biggest support in parenting, emotionally and financially.  He was still my best friend and we still talked all the time. He came to my rescue whenever I needed it whether I thought I needed it or not.  He was always my go to guy.  Anything mechanical or computer related.
He was a great wood worker and furniture refinisher.  We have some nice stuff to show for that.  Audrie has a dresser and both littles have beds.
I said my good bye to the man yesterday.  With all my love.  Today I said good bye to my pets in our pet cemetery.  I said good bye again to "our house," the one we planned for our retirement.  I said good bye to Minnie, Mica, Marseilles and Mittens.
Life as we knew it just ended. And now to find out what life will be like without Dave and Papa Dad.  It is another chapter in the continuing journey of my life, just not one I thought I would be having this early.
RIP Dave  Light and Love on your journey.
10/30/56 - 12/2/14