Closing 2018

And this year finally ends.  Thank goodness.  I think it has been my hardest year ever.  I thought 2014 was bad.  Nah.  It was bad, but not so much compared to this year.  And yet I am counting my blessings.
We had a wonderful trip to Disneyland.  It was the best long weekend.  The kids will remember it forever and they already want to go back.   I told them they would have to do that when they can take themselves.  I have other things on my list that I want to do.
The fair was amazing.  The little man could ride rides this year.  Not just the little kid rides.  Next year he should be able to ride almost all the rides.
We are housed, clothed, fed and loved.  And we take one day at a time.'
The downside of this year is Mom's dementia progressing.  The little man's impulse control issues coming to light along with anxiety and 24/7 flight or flight.  The little woman's anxiety definitely got worse and we could now put a name on what was going on.  Her therapist said that she was also exposed to illegal substances, hence her anxiety and her highly sensitive issues.  Just not to the extent that the little man was.
All of this leaves me dealing with phone calls I don't want to take, talking to people I would rather not, listening to so many people tell me things that are so wrong and yet they believe it.  I have learned that while anxiety is a real issue....no one believes it who hasn't had to live it.  Even trained people seem oblivious.  I have watched more trauma be inflicted on the littles by well meaning people and people in authority and it makes me cringe.  What do you think it does a six year-old to have a cop tell him if you don't behave you can't live here anymore?  The behavior that he can't control yet and we are working on it.  What do you think it does to a six year-old to hear cops tell your nana to give you up for adoption if you can't be controlled.  It doesn't matter who he lives with.....it is an impulse control issue.  Or hey how about the convicted felon down the street who threatens a six year-old or the neighbors who keep coming by and telling him to be nice to his sister.
And how wonderful for an 8 year-old to hear that she can get rid of her biggest fear by pushing this and playing the neighbor down the street who calls police and makes CPS complaints.  That one is a double edged sword though....because that neighbor not only rewards her anxiety, she causes more.  She now has the little woman worrying about the dog when the dog doesn't need rescuing.  When things get loud and angry the dog just goes out the doggy door.  She has always had an escape route.  Shoot....the little woman has used that escape route.  One of the CPS complaints was that I minimize the whole situation.  Trust me, I don't minimize anything.  I live it.  And on and on and on.
Sometimes I need to take a step back and take three or four deep breaths.  I need to remind myself that I am doing what needs to be done.  We are in therapy.  Between us there are four appts a week.  And we are looking at some meds for the little man so that maybe his anxiety and hippo campus can be slowed down long enough for him to start processing all the things we are learning in therapy.  Here is hoping for a better year in 2019.
The blog ends the year with almost 53,000 pageviews since I started this one.  I didn't feel like doing the math to find out just what this years was.  My brain is a little tired. And so this year is done and still writing a daily post.  It is still a great journal and a great place to put some memories and some emotions.

A Little Better

You can tell the little man is starting to feel a little better.  At the beginning of the week he did not mind just lazing around the house.  By today he is going a little stir crazy.  So off to Pat's we went.  He played the game and we had Arby's for dinner.  Just a quiet night at Pat's house. 
The thing I noticed is he isn't breathing through his mouth anymore at night.  He is much quieter.  Sometimes I have to listen harder just to make sure he is breathing. 
It will be nice when he is all healed up.

No On the Zoo

We went and picked up the little man.  I thought we might go to the zoo, but the little woman really didn't want to.  So we stayed home and counted our blessings when the wind picked up.  It would not have been that nice of a day at the zoo. 
Turns out that OMSI also participates in the Arts for All program.  $5 admissions for us.  We didn't do that either, but I got my answer on whether we could utilize the program or not.  So it is on our list of things for the future. 
After a whole afternoon inside we were all going a bit stir crazy.  So I made up some scalloped potatoes and took them to Pat's.  The little man got to play some more games and we watched the fights.  Just family time.  Food time.  Next weekend we do the prime rib.

Quiet Night

The little man went to Uncle Pat's to spend the night and play games.  Girl night at our house and we did not do anything special.  Just stayed in and vegged.  It was so nice. 

Outside, Inside

Fight or flight can take many many forms.  It is part of anxiety.  Let me tell you anxiety encompasses a whole lot of things.  But right now our thing is fight or flight.  Now both kids suffer from it.  One fights and one flies.  The one who fights really causes the other to fly.  And then she flies even when there is no threat.  It is part of anxiety. And part of an enlarged hippo campus that both kids have.
After the little woman started therapy she opted to stay outside most of the time.  I don't know if it was therapy or just something she latched on to and did.  She would get home from school and stay outside until the little man went to bed.  She goes to friends' houses to play.  She sits on the step coming in and plays on my phone, reads, draws pictures, etc.  It is how she feels safe.  I did try to make her come in one day.  Picked her up and carried her in.  And as I did it I realized it was totally wrong.  It was the same as restraining the little man.....only escalates the feelings of fight or flight.  About that time I had an appt. with her therapist and she said to leave her be. If she wants to run, let her.  And I can't make her come inside and stay.  My therapist agreed with that assessment.
Now there have been times that that has wreaked havoc on my life.  Like the day she decided she also could not ride in a car with her little brother. That day was almost a panic attack and she showed it to many people who then wanted to know why she was so afraid.  My answer of anxiety.....does not satisfy a single person.  I guess you have to live it to understand it.  Her being outside seems to be part of a problem for one of my neighbors, who called CPS about it.  It's just one thing after another.  And we are doing the best we can and what we can.
Slowly a change has been occurring.  She is coming in a little earlier.  Even into the bedroom with us if we are watching a movie.  And then today....she stayed inside almost all day.  And when she was outside it was because he was also.  They played.  Now understand the door has to not be latched, but at least it can finally be almost closed.  She can ride in the car as long as her door is not locked.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today was a good day.
And then a little side note....while we were outside watching the little man play with his new RC, the neighbor who has the problem came outside and watched us.  She tried to make it look innocent, but when you are standing there watching instead of carrying that blanket inside with you...you are watching.  No reason to call the cops today.....course there never really is a reason for her to do that, but she does anyway.

End of the Christmas Stories

Early Christmas Eve we were at Pat's house and I noticed that Jayne and Dennis were home.  So I walked over and had a nice catch up.  It has been years and years since we just talked.  I had wanted to share my small world story with them and let them know how impressed I was with their son John.  It was really nice.
Betty came over and brought us a gift card.  We gave her gouda cheese and apples.  She gave us gouda one year many many many years ago, so I knew she would like it.  We dropped a few Lindor chocolates in the bag also since chocolate is our tradition.
Then we also took gouda cheese and apples over to the great-grandparents.  Gayle was happy with that.  I told her it was one of Dave's favorite snacks and she agreed with him.  We spent a few minutes with them and then I took the littles home.  It was close to pill time for the little man.  But they were happy to get to see both kids for a change.  I usually only bring one at a time and we never stay too long.

Merry Christmas

And a merry Christmas it was.  No one went overboard.  The little woman had seven presents under the tree and the little man had six.  Pat and Mom each had five.  The little man was thrilled to get the hoverboard that he negotiated for.  He can make it go, but it still tentative.  And he should be since he just got his tonsils out yesterday.  The little woman said her best gift was the holiday Barbie, but I noticed she spent a lot of time with the bracelet making set.
Each kid got to talk to the parents and I was happy that it came before the gift opening.  That way they didn't get asked about all their presents like the other siblings got.  Part of keeping life simple and manageable is a nice amount of presents that seems just right.
Santa did not come this year as we had planned.  In November the little man asked about the truth of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy.  Back when he was five, one of the neighbor kids told them the truth and I managed to put it off till now.  Since I was already having trouble with the difference in what Santa brings for them and others, I decided to use this time for the true meaning of Santa.  So we talked about how Santa is just fun, and that now that they know the truth, it is time to pay it forward.  We talked about who we could be Santa to.  Who in our small group of friends and friendly neighbors might need a Santa gift.  And we hit on Renee.  She lost her son this year so this holiday was going to be hard.  So the little man found a game she could add to her collection and the little woman gave her a candle.  We wrapped them up and very sneakily took them over to her house last night while she was gone.  I was glad she didn't choose that moment to come home.  And they were great with this.