Pictures

Doing This

Sounds interesting so I am trying this.

http://eringoodman.com/the-10-day-family-re-charge/

Registration closes tomorrow.

Connor's Two Month Check

Connor had his two month check up today. The dr. was very pleased with how much he has grown and how much he has gained. We think he is a little plump. He weighed in at 13 pounds 6 ounces and is now 22.5 inches long. No wonder he doesn't feel like that tiny little boy anymore. All things are positive right now. He received three shots and one oral medication. He didn't like it. Cried up a storm and took awhile to calm down. I remember Audrie just cried a little bit so it must hurt him more. Difference in pain tolerances I guess.

A Wonderful Weekend and 13

Today is Elizabeth's 13th birthday. She is finally a teenager. Seems like just yesterday she was a baby. Time flies.
We have had such a nice quiet calm weekend. Today was spent doing errands, laundry, Costco run and child duties. Dave got wood in and soap up on the roof for the moss control.
No drama from any corner of the world. I like it. And now on to another busy week. :)

A Stroll and the Park

It was very nice today, so we took the little kids out for a stroll. We went around a neighborhood and ended back at the park. We let Audrie play on the playground for awhile to burn off a little more energy. She had fun.

As we were leaving a girl asked me if I had Connor. Whoa. I didn't recognize the girl, but obviously she knew me. She told me she knew Myk and Cassie. I still didn't know who she was. It just surprised me a little.

Today

I am enjoying bonding with Connor.
I am playing with Audrie.
I am planning good meals for the next week.
I am getting used to getting up at 5 a.m.
I am looking forward to the foster care parenting classes. Orientation is a week from Monday.
I am getting more organized. Funny how you have to do that with a baby with lots of appointments.
I am appreciative of the small tokens from Doug.
I like that my child apologized for his outburst.
I am loving Audrie's new haircut.
I am supporting Dave in his recovery.
I am missing Elizabeth and Adrianna.
I am breathing.
I am practicing ahimsa.

Home Study

We had our home study today. We passed. The extent of our changes are replace the fire extinguisher, remove bumper from crib and lock up medications. She had forewarned us that the questions were hard and personal. They were, but it was okay. We just laid it all out there. Good, bad and the ugly. We shared all the family secrets.
Dave has a couple of homework assignments and it is all good. He has misplaced his certificates from treatment so he needs to get those replaced.
She told us there could be things we don't see until adolescence. Deep breath. We will handle each day as it comes. One day at a time.

Calm

So there was a whirlwind storm this morning. And I remained calm. A woman who watched the whole thing wanted to know how I remained so calm in the face of all the destruction. I think I am just immune to it so it doesn't affect me so much anymore. Or it is because I don't deal with this crap on a daily basis anymore so I can practice those things I learned at Al-Anon all those years ago. Somehow I am able to just look at it and know it is the addiction talking and let it all go. I'll keep practicing and be glad that I only have to deal with it one morning a week.

Joy, Peace, Calm, Beauty

My friend Kim wondered what today would bring. I answered, "Joy, peace, calm and beauty. See it, feel it. It is there." And it is. It is around us all the time. Mine is at 5 o'clock in the morning lately, for sure. Connor has an awake time then and we bond. We cuddle and chatter. Today we have been playing footsie. I like having a baby boy around. Haven't had one for 22 years so it is kind of nice and a change. He is getting so strong. And he is growing like a little weed. Papa weighed him last night and he weighs in at about 12 and a half pounds. Time for him to start stretching out those feeding times. He has started with the sleep times at night. We now get two three hour slots of sleep. Yay.
Yes there is a lot of stress, strife and turmoil around right now. But in amidst that is tons of joy and beauty and we can find the calm and the peace if we look for it. Hope you find it Kim. I did.

For All My Girls

You were born with potential
You were born with goodness and trust
You were born with ideals and dreams
You were born with greatness
You were born with wings
You are not meant for crawling, so don’t
You have wings
Learn to use them and fly!

-
Rumi

New Day

It is a new day. I am taking a deep breath. And another. One doesn't seem to be enough. I had been working on honoring those who honor me and leaving those who don't to live their lives. I'm not always successful in that endeaver, but definitely working on it. But at some point even that doesn't seem to be enough. I find it amazing that if I am leaving you alone to do what you want, why do you insist upon continuing to disrespect me. I am tired of the lies, the deceit, the hidden agendas, the alcoholic/addict games, and the disrespect. I have simply had enough. My plate is too full of the important things to be burdened down with your need to prove something. You don't need to prove anything to me. I already see you and know you for who you are. I'm pretty sure you don't see me or know who I am. I will not have my grandchildren held over my head as some kind of pawn in a one upmanship game. The only ones who lose there are the grandchildren and someday that will be explained to them.
That said...it is a new day. And today I again get back to what is important. I will feed, diaper, cuddle, and bath the little man. I will feed, diaper, cuddle, read to and bath the best girl. I will continue to support Dave in his recovery. I will see my mother. I will touch base with my siblings. I will send well wishes to the ones not in my life at this time and hope they seek their own road to recovery. I will miss Elizabeth and Adrianna everyday.
Breath. Ahimsa.

Heartbroken, But Wiser II

This is my response to the email. The only things I didn't address was the girls coming to live here and drinking. Papa showed Elizabeth where our outside key was if she ever needed a safe place to come to, whether it was for an hour, a day or whatever. Somehow Tanya took that to mean live here as the only thing that was talked about.


I had to think about this and how I wanted to act on it. And if it were not for the tagging in of Doug and Kristie I would not even dignify this with a response.
Most of this is a rehash of a previous email from a few months back. And in that time I have not invited Elizabeth over at all to hang out or spend the night. So why are we
going over the need to check with you on that again?
Adrianna has been potty trained for a year. And I did say I was going to incorporate an Adrianna day in when she was potty trained. Unfortunately for her my life changed. We became full time care takers of
Audrie. I did still manage to get a couple of days in for her, but that is the way it goes. I never ever said I had emailed you about starting Adrianna days, so you are right...it is bs. Never happened. So I don't know how you could have responded to it. What I said was I had made a facebook post about thinking about starting them. You didn't respond, but as you so aptly say..it doesn't matter to you if I have them or not. And yet you just threatened my Elizabeth day if I don't incorporate one. When would I have time to do that? I was struggling already to keep my Elizabeth day and keep it fun and interesting for ELizabeth.
That said. I have now ended my Elizabeth days. That is my action to this email. So we won't have to worry anymore about any changes that might come up because it won't happen. I have never said you weren't her mother and I don't badmouth you to her. I do on occassion share my truth. An example is I happened to agree with Elizabeth that you going out with a married man was wrong. That is not bad mouthing.
We don't need to discuss the cell phone because it became a non-issue when I cancelled Elizabeth days. I do agree with you that she needs to respond to you. I just don't think it was necessary for you to text her that you would be gone for a few at dinnertime. My opinion.
Last but not least. I have no idea what you are talking about. But I sure don't like the accusation. And it is way too late for you to take it back. I did not know anything about your newest boyfriend. Last I heard you were still chasing the married guy. So there is no way I researched your newest one and turned him into the courts. Sorry. You'll have to look some place else for that answer. And in the meantime realize that you fucked up by accusing me of doing something I didn't do.
And then you say...oh I want to mend the relationship. No you don't. You had a year to do that. So you just got everything that you wanted. I already was leaving you alone to live your life the way you want to. You told me there was nothing wrong with the choices you make, and I disagree. However it is your life to live and your choices to make so rather than tell you my opinion I leave it alone. And yet this is what I get. This is the first contact you have had with us since Christmas and it is tripe.
I find right now that you are a little too toxic for me and I have nothing to share with you. So I will leave you to your life, as I really don't have time to play these games.
D.

Heartbroken, But Wiser

So this is the email that I woke up to. I have not had any contact with Tanya since Christmas and this is what I got. Really?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 21 Jan 2012 00:33:16 -0800
From:
Subject: My thoughts and issues
To:
CC: kristie; douglas


I have a couple of issues that I think need to be brought up. First off I want to say, even though you should know already, I love you and always will…you are my parents.
I want to solve the issues that you have with me and the ones I have with you. I would like for you guys to keep up the Nana days for as long as Elizabeth wants them to last. I feel as if this doesn’t stop, I am going to have to take her out of the situations that you are putting her in. I have to think of my kids FIRST. You have even said this in the past about other situations that have come up.
First issue: Nana day with Elizabeth. I think it is awesome that you do this with her and have kept it up with her for so many years.
That being said, you have said that when Adrianna was out of diapers you would do a Nana day with her. It has been 2 yrs since she has been out of diapers and you have only done a Nana day with her a couple of times. You said that you aren’t doing one because I didn’t respond to an email….I think that’s bs. There really wasn’t much for me to say. I figured that if you had a day and time to pick her up you would let me know. It doesn’t affect me that you don’t have one with Adrianna. It affects Adrianna. She sees Elizabeth go with you every other Thursday. She is heart broken that she doesn’t have a Nana day too. You ask Elizabeth to come over all the time to spend the night, or to do this or that. I think you have only asked for Adrianna to come over a couple of times…every other time it was me asking to have an adult night. And I do thank you for that. I would also like to say that if you missed Adrianna so much, you know my phone number and email address. All you have to do is get a hold of me and you can have her whenever you want.
Also, when you change your Nana days it would be nice if you also asked me to make sure that it is ok. Majority of the time it is but I would still like to know. And when you make plans with Elizabeth to just come over and hang out or spend the night. I would like the courtesy of an email or phone call or text. Yes she is old enough to make her decisions but she still has to go through me.
Second issue: I understand if you are with company answering texts or phone calls are rude. BUT if I call or text Elizabeth she needs to answer her phone. I am her Mother. I try not to bother you guys when she is with you. Unless I feel that it is important enough to tell her. Tonight I texted her to let her know that I was leaving the house in case she was coming home earlier then normal….Since I never know when she’s coming home I didn’t want her to show up and not know where we were. The phone call, she butt called me and I was only yelling ‘hello’ to get her to hear me. I never yelled at her for not answering my text. I don’t know what you think you heard…maybe I was talking loud…as I was driving.
Third issue: I don’t appreciate how you guys bad mouth me to my 12 yr old daughter. She does not need to hear things like that. I am her Mother.
As for them coming to live there? What is that all about? I don’t do anything to lose my kids over!! I am the best single mother that I can be. I don’t have a ex spouse to help raise them…I do it all on my own. Ok so I may not do things ‘right’ all the time, but I give them what they need and yes…want. If you have a problem with me, then come to me not to her. It upsets her to hear you guys bad mouthing me.
Fourth issue: What is up with you thinking that I have bad taste in men? You have only met one guy and it was 3 yrs ago. I know there have been some pretty bad ones but there has been a few decent guys too. They just didn’t work out for one reason or another.
The guy I’m with now….you never met him, know nothing about him other then the couple things Elizabeth has told you, but yet you still think he’s a bad guy? What gives you the right to do that? He doesn’t do drugs and he’s a great Dad to two beautiful girls. If you don’t want to meet him that’s fine, but you can’t say that I’m not trying to include my family in my relationship with him.
I know you looked him up and told the courts about him living here….he wasn’t hiding or anything but to go behind my back and do something like that is not right. All you saw were bad things when you looked him up. Do you ever think that maybe he has some good things about him too? He’s served 3 tours in Iraq and multiple other great things. If you asked about him then you would know. I know you want to look out for the girls and me, but do you not think that I can look out for my girls on my own? Am I that bad of a Mom that I don’t think I know what I’m doing? If I for once thought that he was bad for me or to be around the girls I wouldn’t be with him right now. I know it’s hard for you to hear and accept that I’ve grown up and can make my own decisions for my life and my kids’ lives.
Fifth and last issue for now: I don’t know why you are accusing me of being a drunk. I don’t drink every night, all day long. Or what ever. Every once in awhile I’ll have a night out and drink. I always have a DD and am with my friends. I am always safe. I know my limit as do my friends. I stop before it gets out of hand. I know you don’t believe me in all that but it is true. I don’t want the girls to lose another parent.
As for my friends, I don’t know why you think they are drunks too. Just because they go to a bar? The reason they go to the bar, she has hip problems and can’t go to every friends house, so she goes there to see everyone at the same time. What is wrong with that? I don’t see anything wrong with that. Yes it’s a bar and they sell drinks. 90% of the time they AND I drink Pepsi!! You can believe me or you don’t, that is your choice. I can not change your mind. I can just tell you the truth.
I hope you can take this and not get so mad at me that you want nothing to do with me. I hope this can help bring us back to where we were at a year ago. I don’t know what happened with us and why you think I’m such a bad person/ mother/daughter. I am trying my best for everyone….including myself.

For Today

I am appreciative of Chrissi letting Pat, Audrie, Connor, Dave and I see Paris and having the afternoon with her.
I am laughing that Elizabeth actually thought I was going to Paris. Maybe someday, but not this week.
I am amazed at peoples' deflections from their truths.
I am practicing ahimsa and breathing. Trying really hard, but not always succeeding.
I am honoring my family who honor me.
I am spending time with my support group at lunch today. Love those gals. And Fred.
I am working on less enabling for my addicts.....that one can be hard at times.
I am surrounding myself with beauty and joy and baby loves.
I am still feeling Adrianna's hug and her telling me she misses me. I miss her too.
I am thinking it is time to clean off my desk again. Oy.
I am working on acting, not reacting.

Dave asked what ahimsa means. The practice of doing no harm.

Elizabeth Day

Elizabeth was already at our house when I got home. Snow day. So we went to Clackamas Town Center and perused for a couple of hours. We bought some body butter for our legs and feet. Then we looked for shirts. She found one and I found four. Hmmm. Anyway we enjoyed it. We did not really see any strange and interesting people. Clackamas must be "normal".
Then we went up to Thai Lotus and had dinner and a visit with Brendan. He is again moving his make-up store to a bigger location. We were fascinated with the cops who were searching beside the building for something. They kept traipsing back and forth with their flashlights.
Just as we were starting back Elizabeth got a call on her cell phone. Her mom was yelling at her for not responding to a text she had sent her. Well we never heard her phone go off. But I could hear her mom on the phone. Really? And here I was super impressed that Elizabeth had not used her phone while with me. I thought she was supporting me in my quest to not use one, especially when you are with other people who you should be paying attention to. She was being considerate. And the text that she missed when it came really wasn't important in its timing. I usually take her home about 8 p.m. so her mom running an errand at 6 wasn't worth yelling for a missed text at the time.

Pay It Forward 2012

Marilyn posted on facebook a challenge of paying it forward. First five people to comment on the post get a homemade gift from the poster. Sounds like lots of fun so I reposted it after commenting on Marilyn's post. It is just a way of making us stop for a moment and think about our friends and do something nice. I just liked the idea of it. Now to figure out what to do for the three who have responded already to my post.
I don't normally do any of the reposting stuff on facebook as it is just stupid stuff. This one is different. You actually have to do something.

Quietness

I realized that last week was mostly quiet. Almost no drama. I like it. I have disengaged from the cell phone. No texting. Slowing down the facebook some more. Other than David and Treva, there really isn't too much of interest there. I always have to check and see how Treva is doing and I have to see what hilarious thing David has to say. I count them in my repertoire of important people in my life. I have found that concerning myself with the important people in my life makes my life so much less stressful. And I like it. Thank you David and Treva for being my friends and part of my family.

Yup

So Audrie is up north and I had all these great plans. So far I got nothing done. Well the peninsula was almost cleaned off. Funny how it collects clutter so fast. I have tomorrow off so maybe I will get some work done. Then this week I have Elizabeth day if she gets back to me about the change. I have Paris one afternoon and am really looking forward to that. Lexie has a grooming appointment. And work three days. Whew. Busy week.
Ohh I guess I wouldn't say I got nothing done. I did get to check off one thing on my list. Thanks honey.

I'm So Bad

I totally forgot. I saw my bookstore friend on Wednesday. I said hello and went on my way. As I got past him Heidi came up and asked me how I was doing and called me by name. I told her I thought she might have just blown my cover. She laughed. When he left he came up and asked me what my name was again. I wasn't sure if he had heard Heidi or if he couldn't remember what I told him it was in September. With no hesitation....I told him "Natalie". I remember what I told him.

Today

I am going to enjoy the peace and quiet.
I am going to miss Audrie, but know she is in good hands.
I am breathing.
I am practicing ahimsa.
I am planning my week of chores.
I am enjoying holding Connor.
I am looking forward to seeing Paris.
I am appreciating Mom's help with the boy and the girl.
I am enjoying the scenery and the season.
I am thinking I need to go grocery shopping.

Changes Abound

So today we found out that Marilyn is moving back to Missouri. Made us all sad at lunch. She has decided that it is just too unhealthy dealing with Fred's daughter. We agreed. Still makes us sad.
Audrie is going up north with her Nana Nita tomorrow for five days. It will be way too quiet here. That said...we may get a little work done. We have two weeks until the home study is done so need to get some work done. Reminder to self...call Sean.
Trying to get in the habit of letting the people that I appreciate know that I appreciate them. Sometimes things get lost in the shuffle. We get so tied up in our day to day life that we forget to take a moment and say hey you are important to me.
Connor is growing like a little weed. He is finally consistently stretching out his nighttime feedings. Helps the Nana and the Papa get some rest.
We have decided to check into the foster care classes. Found out that Jodi is available to babysit for the next three months so it could work out well for us. Being Connor's foster care parents opens up more resources for him and he may need them.
Lots of changes going on. Mostly good. Hoping for a great year, but still not holding my breath. :P

The Wonder of It

Connor only had three feedings last night. Every three hours. The past few nights he has been doing this drink one ounce and fall asleep thing. Then wake up half an hour later or so and drink another ounce and fall asleep. A vicious circle for the person holding the bottle. I actually feel like I got sleep last night.

The bookstore was nearly as busy yesterday as it was on Monday. The line to get in started half an hour later, but was still in place when I left. I was not security all day. I got to be the line leader for cashiering for awhile and then I did my normal job of receiving. I got three pallets in yesterday. Made for a pretty quick day.

I think Dave is beginning to appreciate being able to call my mom and have her come over and hold the boy. You can get things done, you can eat, you can run errands. It is a win win situation.

Talked to Beth, the social worker yesterday. She wants to get rolling on the home study. I think it wasn't a priority before, but she has a feeling we need to get it done. So she is pushing that. She really is great and very insightful. I'm glad she is looking out for Connor.

We could see the moon again last night. So Audrie and I went out and looked at it and watched the stars for a few minutes. It was really cold so we didn't stay out long. But, boy, does our girl love the moon and stars. Maybe she will be an astronomer.

Winter Rush

Wow. Brenda and I arrived at 7:15 this morning for work and the line was already wrapped around the bookstore. We did security all day. We had only been there for 20 minutes when we had to create the line to get in and it stayed that way the whole day. Unbelievable. Again most people were very understanding. I was amazed at one girl though. She came up and I stopped her and she thought she should just be able go in since her books were on hold. She didn't think she should have to stand in either line even though everyone else had. I explained and she got in line. What I noticed is that when she left she didn't have any books whatsoever. Guess she didn't have any on hold afterall. People are too funny sometimes. And lots of people thought they shouldn't have to stand in the line to get in since they didn't intend on buying anything. The line to get in means the store is at capacity. Buying or not...the allotted number of people were in the store.
Anyway it was a pretty good day with most people being in pretty good moods. Hope the rest of the week goes as smoothly.

Little Kids

Geese

On our way to Pat's on Saturday Audrie and I saw this humongous gaggle of geese flying. Hundreds of geese and they were making a circle. We pulled over and watched them. They completed their circle and then landed in a field. I have often seen a gaggle in a field, but have never seen the landing process of the whole flock. It was pretty amazing. Audrie liked it.

Portland Run

Yeehaw. I got an email from Kink that I had won John Le Carre's "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy". Unbelievable. Anyway it required a trip to their station in order to pick it up. That coincided nicely with Mini's brake job. So Connor and I got up early Friday morning and headed to Rasmussen. Dropped off the Mini for its service and we strolled on down to the Pacwest building. About 15 blocks. It was a brisk chilly morning, but Connor was bundled up pretty good. The Pacwest building is a beautiful building. The elevators were a trip. You enter which floor you are going to and it tells you which elevator to take and it takes you there. I signed my paperwork and got my book. Many people asked about Connor and one woman told me I did not look old enough to be a grandparent. I didn't tell her that my oldest grandchild turns 13 this month. I just said thanks.
From there we headed to Powell's to check out some more books. I think that is about another 10 blocks. I sold a few books and bought a few books. Connor got his very first book. "Boy of Mine" by Jabari Asim. Audrie is going to have it so read before he even gets to have it read just to him. For some reason she really likes it. She got two new books also. Just before we got there Jared from Rasmussen had called to say the Mini was done. Wow. One hour.
Finished with Powell's we started the trek back to Rasmussen. I know it is at least 2o blocks. No problem. It is uphill most of the way with the block between 19th and 20th being the steepest. Kind of getting used to it as I always seem to go to Powell's when I go to Rasmussen's. Once back to Rasmussen I got the pleasant news that my brake job did not cost me $5oo as I expected. I didn't need roters, so the whole bill was $245. Yay for me.
Paid the bill and headed back to Vancouver for lunch. Met Mona, Barbara, Fred and Marilyn at Red Lobster and had a lovely visit. Barbara brought each little kid another outfit. I think she is enjoying shopping for them. :)

Elizabeth

I am so proud of Elizabeth. She is making such good choices. I can only hope that she continues to make them. It always amazes me to have a conversation with her about important things and she understands so much. I like how she uses her own brain and has her own morals. Actually I find that pretty amazing. But then she is an amazing girl.

Today

I am thankful for the support of the Clays, the Wills, and the Kadows.
I am appreciative of Mom coming and rocking Connor.
I am trying to be supportive of Dave in his recovery.
I am loving baby snuggles.
I am soaking up Audrie hugs and kisses.
I am lacking in sleep, and think a nap is in order.
I am looking forward to Elizabeth day.
I am breathing.
I am practicing ahimsa.

New Year

So we have started our new year. Myk got out of jail. I have no idea what he is doing. I know that he and Cassie had a visit scheduled with Connor, but they were late enough that it didn't happen. Why they didn't call...I have no idea. But it really isn't my problem. I was at work, so wasn't a part of it.
Connor is all healed from his little boy procedure. Only the first day was bad.
Dave is having a tougher time settling into our routine. He is discovering that parenting a newborn is a lot of work. And neverending. Kind of like laundry. Audrie loves her brother and wants to play with him. I think she looks for opportunities to try and pick him up when no one is looking.
Mom is still doing a lot of holding time for us. She likes it, he likes it and we like it.

Ending

We ended 2011 with a big pot of spicy black bean soup, "Larry Crowne" and Connor sleeping on Grammy. The neighbors were lighting off fireworks as soon as it got dark. Other than that it was pretty quiet at our house. We like it that way. Hopefully 2011 was the end of people in my life jumping off the deep end. :P Makes a nice fantasy anyway.
I talked to Myk. We'll see if he is just blowing smoke or whether he will decide it is time to get it together. I keep telling him...it's just words...time for some action.