Frustration

I have to learn how to turn off my head. It is very very frustrating to make hints, leave subtle messages in my blog, and downright ask and be refused. I can almost predict it now. I don't know if it is outside our comfort zone now or whether things just haven't really changed. And being told maybe later doesn't really help or mean anything. Later never comes. There will always be stress and crankiness and pain, just like there always has been. Personally I think sex is a stress reliever, but maybe that is just for me. I have to learn how to turn off my head. :(

Settling Down

Our foster parenting is put on hold. The relative placement appears to be going through despite Tanya's best efforts to derail the whole thing. The foster care rules state that recovery has to be a continuous three years and we don't have that yet. They will keep the file and we can reapply when we are more likely to have it be successful. Assuming that we still need it at that point. This doesn't affect the relative placement or the possible adoption that could come later. Whew. And a little down time will be nice.

My truck has been totalled. I will get $7500 for it. Dave is already looking for another truck. I am not. Insurance is still awaiting the police report, but they did say it does say I have no fault in the accident. I knew that. At least the whole process is moving along. I feel better. Still taking my anti-inflammatory which helps greatly. One day I will be surprised that nothing aches anymore.

Our drama queens are pretty much quiet right now. Which means it is time for someone to come up with something new. Would be nice for a little longer quiet time.

Little kids have visitation today. I'm betting neither parent shows up. I'm pretty sure the parents have hooked back up and are together. I'm also certain that my child is back using after his last stint in jail. All that talk was just talk. So sad, but his choice. He was not happy to not get money from me this week. I wonder how long he will keep asking when it doesn't work anymore.

And now back to loving and caring for the little kids. We are so lucky to have them in our lives.

Back to Routine

And so the little man and I were up at our usual time doing the bottle/diaper thing. Playing footsies while I catch up on email and clickers. We are back to routine. And I like it. Our days revolve around Audrie and little man time. We are only doing one middle of the night feeding now most nights. Got to like that.

Busy, busy, busy at work. The pallets are arriving like crazy. Monday I walked into twelve of them on the floor. Yeehaw. We are making progress on them, but more keep coming as we pull them off the floor. It is that push before spring rush. Keeps us hustling and bustling.

The End of the Line

For now we have went as far as we can in the foster parenting line. They have a rule that states recovery must be three continuous years. We understand. Our file will remain with the licenser and if we wish to reapply in the future we don't have to repeat what we have already done.

Our licenser said she was pretty sure that the relative placement was going through though. We kind of already knew that. Been told by enough people that since the little man was already "placed" with us, it would take a lot for them to take him back out of our home. So we are all status quo.

What this means for us is less intrusion than if we got licensed. What it means for the little man is he isn't eligible for all the services, but hopefully enough.

Before we left, the licenser gave us a bunch of clothes, books and quilts for both kids. We are still part of the system.

And tomorrow is visit day. Wonder if it will happen. Guess we'll see in the morning.

Just A Picture

OMFG

Heard through the grapevine (the reliable one) that Tanya did get a call from someone

at CPS to talk about our fostering. And that she gave them an earful. So I guess she did follow through with her threat. Amazing. We'll find out tomorrow what kind of damage she tried to inflict and whether we can weather it. My belief is CPS will not take the little man away, but we may not be foster parents to him. I think that they already would have if they thought that was a need.

I will be so happy when I can put her crap behind us. I'm afraid it will never happen. She is Dave's daughter. Breathe.

Picture Perfect

So one of the things we learned during our long days of classes was that I can put pictures of the little man places. I just can't identify him. I'm not sure if there is exceptions since he is also our grandson, so for now I will just not name him.

We also found out that maybe our babysitters don't need background checks if they are sitting for less than 24 hours. We are going to verify that one. They just had a policy change and that seemed to be one of the changes. That would make me happy.

Had a resting day today. Did do my side job and went to Walmart to exchange Audrie's new defective night light. She must have her moon and stars. I also got our Christmas movie. I'm going to have to hide it or I might watch it before Christmas Eve. It was on sale. I love on sale.

Class Final Day

So we have survived our foster parenting class. One more obstacle to licensing out of the way. Today we finished up touching on discipline. We met the liaisons. We got more nuts and bolts of the system.

So whether we get licensed or not I have learned a lot taking this class. I'll be able to implement quite a bit of it just in parenting Audrie and the little man. Met some interesting and some amazing people.

I sure will be glad next weekend is an actual three day weekend for me that will feel like it. :)

The Next Day

Was a much better day. Felt a little more alive. Less achey. Attended class.

Dave left a message for the licenser about Tuesday. Seems she has some concerns and that

is what prompted our appointment on Tuesday. Checked with Doug and he hasn't talked to anyone or received any paperwork. So again someone lied about that in her telling of stories, not really surprising. So we figure the concerns are going to be Dave's treatment again as that was a concern for Misty when she did the family placement home study. But we have to wait until Tuesday to find out for sure. It's all good however it goes.

Dave seems a little less overwhelmed and actually cooked fish last night. Yea! I got dinner. I felt well enough to help last night though so I know I am doing better. I mostly felt achey and drained. Never did feel that incredible pain everyone told me I was going to feel. So I haven't taken any of the vicodin.

Today

I am blessed.

I am loved by two little kids.

I am enjoying bonding time with the little man.

I am appreciating Dave taking a middle of the night feeding.

I am most appreciative of the little man stretching out his feedings.

I AM breathing.

I am practicing ahimsa.

I am sending light and love to Elizabeth and Adrianna.

I am amazed at my family who care and check in with me. Thank you Mom, Pat, Doug, Kristie, Denise and David.

I am in awe of foster parents and the people who choose to be so.

I am blessed.

Class Day Three

Wow. We had four speakers today in class. We had fiscal, a licenser, an investigator of foster parents, and the adoption home study person. A lot of information to absorb. We started working on discipline and how it is different for foster parents. We also talked about visitation with family. The more I learn about this whole process the more in awe I am of people who just do it. We are only there for the little man. Never in a million years would I think about foster parenting. And yet there are people who do. Amazing. It is a lot of work just to get licensed and then a lot of work after that. Our trainers are very entertaining and informative.
One more day and we get our certificate for passing the class. And then on to the next obstacle. We still have CPR and HIV/AIDs classes to take. And I need to get all the cats updated on their rabies shots. Should have had that done anyway, this just makes me do it instead of procrastinating. We are making progress.

The Day After

So I woke up this morning amazed that I didn't feel worse than the night before. Ha. As the day wore on, I felt how bad my thumbs feel. No grip almost. My shoulder is sorer than yesterday for sure and more bruising is present. My lower back hurts and goes around each side. I think the seatbelt did that. My headache has grown all day.
And I went to work. Rich sent me home after an hour. Not because I needed to go at that point, but because he felt guilty with me being there. Dave needed me home as he was having a bad morning with crying kids.
So like last night I took care of kids. The kids and I went and took care of the insurance stuff. Mom came and gave me a break so I could take a nap. We did baths and being on my knees is fun. We got dressed in jammies and we have cuddled and done all the things we usually do. Just with me going ouch, ouch, ouch. Its a mom thing I guess. We do what we have to do for the kids no matter how badly we feel.
It is almost time to finish up the bedtime routine. Dave went to bed about bath time. So I have taken my pills and I will join the sleeping crew as soon as the other two are down for the night.
Obviously Dave is in overload. We talked about it briefly this afternoon when he thought he was feeling better. But then his afternoon wore on him and I guess I am doing this alone. I will mend and I will take care of the kids. Even if I don't get fed or taken care of myself.

'Nuff Said

I'm going to miss that truck.

Slow Motion Fast

I left work on time. I drove my truck today as Dave's car is in the shop and he may have needed the Mini to transport kids to visitation. Turned on to Fourth Plain and headed up the hill. Slowed down because there were a lot of people at the busstop and I wasn't sure about anyone using the crosswalk with that many people. Made it past the crosswalk and started to speed up, just in time to think "what is that guy doing? Oh shit" and he hit me almost head on as he veered all the way into my lane from the inside eastbound lane. I was amazed how I had time to think it and then wham it was all over. I'm pretty sure my truck is totalled. I sat there for a bit and tried to call Dave. Couldn't remember how to use the phone to make calls. :p A witness helped me get the door open so I could get out and someone else helped me find my glasses. I was so happy they were in the truck and hadn't flown out the window. The cops, fire dept and ambulance were there really quickly. I opted to wait for Dave to go to the doctor. My knee felt pretty banged up and my neck and shoulder were sore from the seatbelt and airbag deploying. The tow trucks took our trucks away. Did I mention I got hit by an older truck?
Turns out the guy who hit me was veering away from a guy in front of him who had pulled out in front of him because that guy wasn't paying attention to the bus that was stopped at a busstop. Someone took his information and the cops found him. Made him come back and gave him a ticket. The cop said that guy's insurance is the one that should pay for all the damages. Sure hope someone's does. Glad I was driving the Dakota, even if I am pouting about it being done for.
Doc said I am going to feel worse and worse for several days and then slowly feel better. My knee is banged up but not broken. Sitting in class is going to be fun this weekend I think.

Flat Screen

Of all things....I am thinking we need a television in our room. Haven't had one for so long I can't remember. I'd like to hook a blu ray dvd player up to it. We have cable already in there. So I looked today at some. Only looked.
I'm just thinking that on occasion we might want to watch adult entertainment. That being the case it wouldn't be good to watch it in the living room. Then we would probably need a case of some kind for storage. Hmmm.
Uh-oh there goes my brain again. Sigh.

Nana Time

Audrie and Nana spent a little quality time this afternoon. And what do Nanas and granddaughters do when they spend quality time? They shop. We went to Walmart. Audrie got new shoes, a new night light, the movie "Cars", and barrettes. Picked up some cards to send to the other granddaughters. Checked out TVs and blu ray dvd players. Audrie didn't much care about those. Made me wish I had went black Friday shopping with Jodi. We had a good time. Came home, made dinner and watched her movie.

Actions, Not Words

Talked to my child last night. He gets out of jail on Friday. Wanted a ride, but we have class. So he asked for me to drop off a few things for him at the bail bonds place across the street from the jail.
After the whole tirade that Tanya threw about her being the only family he has left to help him, she now doesn't want him there. I just find it interesting as I never wanted him there. He would go back to prison if he lived in close proximity to her new man. I think this is his decision though. We did tell him about the next tirade she and her boyfriend threw about abuse allegations of him and Tanya as kids by us. He was not happy. He was even more unhappy when he realized possible consequences of that action if she followed through with it. His kids could go live in real foster care.
I believe he is looking at other options. Anyway his new plan is again to possibly go to Georgia when he can. He has work crew days to complete. He may still have to do treatment here before he would be able to leave. My whole stance is actions, not words. Goals and talk all are good, but it means nothing if you don't do something.
So time will tell. And I guess he broke up with Cassie, maybe even for good. Nah. Actions.

Date Night

Dave and I had our first date night last night. We went out for dinner at the Golden Tusk here in town. We used the gift certificate that Doug and Kristie gave us for Christmas. Lucky us will get another meal out of that certificate. We had a nice quiet meal. The little kids were with Nana Nita.

Date Night

So we have decided to start a date night once a month. The intention is to keep building on the foundation. Date night is not so we can have an adult night and go to the bar. Sheesh. Date night is a time for Dave and I to connect without all the love from little kids. Hindsight..we should have done this all along, but other factors were at play.
Dave has an appointment in the morning with the unemployment office. He asked Nana Nita if she could babysit. She said it would be easiest for her if the little kids came tonight and then spent the night. Well cool. We have our first date night tonight without even having to ask for it. :p So we are going to Golden Tusk for dinner with the gift certificate we got from Doug and Kristie.

For Today

I will appreciate the peace and calm that is an early Sunday morning with the little man.
I will only concern myself with those who I see today.
I will get my side jobs done and that means seeing my mother and my brother.
I will accept lots of snuggles from Audrie.
I will give lots of snuggles to the little man.
I will touch base again with my sister.
I will enjoy dinner with Dave tonight.
I will thank Nana Nita for wanting the kids tonight so we can have a date. I like it.
I may get some work done at home after dinner with no children in the house.
I may not.
I will say the serenity prayer.
I will miss Elizabeth and Adrianna.
I will breath.
I will practice ahimsa.
I feel blessed for all the wonderful people in our life and that group grew exponentially this weekend.

Classes Day Two

So we are half way through the classes now. Today we touched on all the ways kids are abused and the losses that everyone suffers. We learned about normal development and delayed. We watched a video on drug affected babies and boy did we get lucky so far. Learned more about the processes and ways we need to protect ourselves. It is quite interesting. Our classmates fill all age ranges and reasons for being there.
Must be time to get ourselves scheduled for the CPR and the blood pathogens classes while our babysitter is available.

All's Quiet

For the moment anyway. After Tanya's/new mans rant of Thursday night it is now quiet. They are now blocked completely on fb from us. Until they find some other workaround. And in the meantime Dave shared their tirade with CPS. We have nothing to hide. Dave did not hurt his children or any other children, nor have I. My understanding is a case has been opened about Tanya though. We did what we could do and now Joyce has the ball. Never thought I would see the day when we would be working together. Dave has had more contact with her in the last week than he has in the last 15 years. I have stepped out of all of it. Tanya is their child and they can deal with it as they can. She is an adult and allowed to make stupid mistakes. And if those mistakes mean CPS gets involved in her life, so be it. I'm just glad that for now I don't have to have the nastiness flung at me. What pieces of work Tanya and her new man are.

Bonding Time

I almost made Dave get up with the little man when he awoke at 5 this morning. We again had a great night where he slept five hours before his middle of the night feeding. Just as I was pulling the covers back over myself I changed my mind. I like our bonding time that we have this early in the morning. Right now we are playing footsie and looking at each other. Well in between typing. It just makes me happy to have stretched out sleeping times. He is just making life as easy as he can for the nana and the papa. He adds so much joy as he is attaching all those heartstrings.

Classes Day One

Wow. We are getting a lot of information. The book must be a couple of inches thick. Listening to them tell us the information makes me very glad our situation is the way it is. We don't have to deal with the loss feelings for our little kids because they have always been here. Foster parenting has to be one hard hard job.
Today consisted of learning about the laws and how it affects the cases. We learned about the timelines of fostering and all the options. We got a nice overview of what an investigator does for CPS and how they go about it. We watched a couple of short videos. Learned about ongoing classes we can take to help our skill sets. Learning how to be patient in the face of great strife. It was fascinating and long.
We got an hour lunch and we went to the bagel place across the street. I asked Dave if he wanted to be teacher's pets. We sat with the trainers and talked about all kinds of things. It was very nice.
Three more classes to go.

The Last Word

Wow. I knew Tanya disliked me. But I sure am surprised at how much she despises Connor. I was literally floored when she went on facebook and threatened to go to CPS and tell them that she was raped by Dave when she was a child and that that will mean we never get to foster. To be technical...it was under her name, but I think her new man posted it. There was a whole bunch of other garbage along the same lines and threats to go to the police and CPS. We did not respond to the garbage and still it kept on. Amazing. Hopefully if she follows through CPS is wiser and if not we lose both little kids. But I guess that is what she wants if she makes a claim, and we have no control over that.
Whether it was him or her.....it makes no difference, she is still done in my life completely. She brought this nastiness to me. This is beyond a difference of opinion on how she lives her life. I thought leaving her alone to live that life was enough, but I guess it wasn't for her. So I wish her well in her life. Hope she finds everything she is looking for and has a very happy life with her new man. Seriously I wish nothing but the best for her.
And again I have to get back to the business of raising my grandchildren for as long as I am able, but I'm not going to live my life waiting for that shoe to drop. Foster parenting classes today.

One More Time For the Record

I had to have a conversation with the little man's mother about what we are doing and why. She wasn't so much confused as misinformed. Seems someone told her that we were taking foster classes so we could adopt the little man and we were doing all of this behind her back (interesting reuse of words there) to take him away from her. Okay..we can't take him away from her because the state of WA already did. And we haven't done anything behind her back. All of our friends and most of our family know what we are doing and why, but here it is one more time for the record.
Little man was born on a Tuesday. On Friday we got a call and a visit from Jennifer with CPS. She wanted to know if we would take in the little man whether he was our child's son or not. We hadn't ever talked about that possibility, but decided that yes we would. Then she asked if adoption became an option would we be willing to do that. Wow. Hadn't thought of that angle at all. Remember when he was born we thought he was going to an adoptive family, but that didn't work out. So we again said yes, but that isn't something to think about now, just as a possibility. She then suggested that even though we were getting a family placement that we should consider getting licensed as his foster parents. It opens up more resources for us and the little man. And he may need them.
We then spent the next three weeks visiting him at the hospital and trying to get Audrie ready for the transition. He came home and we worked on the transition and change it made for all of us. Once settled we decided it was time to pursue the fostering. So we signed up for the classes and started the process. It is very similar to the process we are still working on for family placement, but more so. There are like levels. Foster is above home placement. Adoption is above foster. It is a lot of work and a lot of paperwork for us and our family and references. We took this all on for the little man and what is best for him. That said we have been given suggestions along the way that would make it easier for adoption if that ever becomes an option. And it may. Or it may not. It is way too soon to be worrying about that other than the things we do now that would help now and then.
I'm glad that the little man's mother had the intelligence to ask us rather than just believe what she was told. She agreed that what we are doing is good and for the little man. He needs the resources.
So jumping ahead. We got our TB tests and we are negative. Big surprise. Got our fingerprints ran again for a bigger better background check. Our references have again received paperwork to fill out. Classes start tomorrow. The house is almost ready for the new home study. Whew.

Amazing

So back in 2010 I did the taxes. I used turbotax via the bank. No problem. Got it all done and then decided to see what would happen if we claimed Audrie that year. It made a change, but not enough to ask her parents if we could claim her. They would get the earned income credit, so it was better for them. Took her back off mine and sent it off electronically. Didn't check. Didn't think anything of it. Printed my copy and put it away in a folder.
Fast forward to 2011. I again used turbotax via the bank and the first thing that happens is I get this notification. Seems they had a glitch in their system having to do with the EIC and removing dependents. If you took one off it took them all off. I go back and look and sure enough our child had been removed. It wanted to fix it for me, but I couldn't access that return online. So I started it by hand in increments of Audrie time and it just didn't get done.
Fast forward to almost now. I finally remembered that I still needed to do that. It didn't take too long and was pretty straightforward. Our child was worth a little over $400. Well worth my time to do it. Got it sent in and promptly forgot about it. Then we got notices in the mail and Dave was sure we were being audited. Nope just letting us know that our amended return had been processed and the money would be in hand soon. A couple weeks later the check came. Looked at the amount and went whoa. Larger. OOhh. They gave us interest. Amazing.

The End of Sleep Deprivation is at Hand

The little man had two feedings again last night, with the second one being his awake time. Five hours between his nighty-night bottle and his middle of the night one. Wow. Got to love that. So that is two nights in a row. I think we are finally stretching it out. I got to sleep in till almost six. Haven't done that since the little man came home. We are usually up anywhere from four until 5:30 in the morning.
Happy Nana this morning.

Talk, Cry Sleep

Dave and I had our conversation. I cried. I honestly believe that tears are very healthy. Not the tears that some women can turn on and off with a whim, but the tears that are real. And especially for me who does not cry. Gets rid of toxins and just drains things away.
We connected and cleared some air that has been bad for a long time. We are going to see how things go in our reconnecting. But at least now it will be honest no matter where it ends up.
And then I slept a good sleep. Turns out the little man has decided to really start stretching out his sleep. Five hours till the first feeding last night and then awake time for the next one. Got to like that. Maybe our sleep deprived days are almost over.

That said.....Damn. Even laundry can get me. Dave washed his jammies and robe and as I pulled the belt for the robe out of the pile all I can see is how soft that is and how nice that might feel around my wrists. He needs to get his back fixed pretty darn quick and do something with this fantasy of mine.

Family Recharge Wind Down

So today was the last day of the family recharge. Today was devoted to a journal between parent and older child or between spouses. I figure I have a blog. Audrie is much too young to worry about it yet.
I totally enjoyed the recharge. Reconnecting. Having some fun assignments and thinking outside the box of our normal routines. Realizing what are good routines. I have found some wonderful blogs to read and met some very interesting people online. I'm glad I decided to participate in this.
Thanks again Erin Goodman.

A Miracle

So I mailed Valentine's Day cards to Elizabeth and Adrianna. I honestly did not expect them to get them. I thought for sure Tanya or her 'new man' would have thrown them away. I enlisted Doug's help in finding out if Elizabeth got hers. That had a dual purpose. It told me whether they did or not and if not then Elizabeth knew that I had sent one. I am happy that Tanya didn't play it that way. Doesn't change how I feel about her, but.... I know she wasn't totally honest in her actions either and he certainly doesn't win. I am NOT out of the girls life just because he wants it so. Sucks for him I guess.

For Today

I am basking in the tranquility of a drama-free weekend.
I am looking forward to the foster parenting classes that start this week.
I am pleased that Elizabeth and Adrianna were allowed to have their Valentine's Day cards.
I am happy with how my soup turned out last night...it was delicious.
I am filled with love for my family.
I am amazed at how much Audrie is growing in all ways.
I am extra happy that the little man only had two feedings last night. Hope that is a trend that continues.
I am seeing a conversation with Dave in the near future.
I am going to connect again with my siblings this week.
I am breathing.
I am practicing ahimsa.
I am sending light and love to Adrianna and Elizabeth.
I am giving light and love to Audrie, the little man, and Dave.

Little Kids

Just a picture of sibling love. She is actually being nice and GENTLE.

Family Recharge #9

Whoa. Wow. Oy. So number nine was 20 questions about reconnecting with your significant other. Some very hard questions. My mind instantly goes blank. I can't answer a single one of them.
This year marks our 28th year of marriage. We are on our third set of children. By that I mean we got custody of his two children before we had been married a year at ages 7 and 10. We then had our own child five years into the marriage which put the older kids at 11 and 14. Now we are raising our child's children. We have not always agreed on parenting, but we did the best job we knew how to do.
I am married to my best friend, although we do not agree on everything. We do not necessarily talk about everything that we disagree on. And there have been times when I wasn't sure he was my best friend. He didn't always have my back so to speak.
I am married to an alcoholic who is now in recovery. He has been working on his recovery for almost three years. Recovery does not make things honkydory fine. Recovery does not mean that we now agree on everything. Recovery does not mean we live in our fairy tale world now.
Recovery means we take it one day at a time. He is learning how to deal with life without the numbing affects of alcohol and I get to learn how to deal with that. A lot of alcoholic tendencies still show themselves as we go through this process of recovery that will never end.
So we are working on connecting of many different levels. I am working on not cocooning myself. It's hard. Every day is up in the air, so I am living for today and trying to be present today. In life, in parenting, in marriage. I have already learned that all my hopes, dreams, aspirations (besides being a wife and mom) went out the door a long time ago. So I live with what is because it is what I have for right now.
I love my husband. I love my child. I love my grandchildren. I love Doug. And for now it is enough.

Amazing

It was one of those days when you glimpse the greatness of the child. Audrie was playing in the sink and I realized how her brain is working in her play. And then she did the same thing in the tub. Just playing, but I could see the imagination at work. After her bath she stopped and was looking, really looking at the pictures on the wall. She could tell me which ones were Daddy even when he was small. Just amazing. I love being able to experience her growing and changing.

I Lied

But not totally intentionally. Tanya sent me a text saying not to 'call or text' her or her children again. So I said I would not contact them. Well I changed my mind and am going with the letter of what she said. I sent the girls Valentine's Day cards. Would be interesting to know if they got them. And Tanya doesn't know that I lied since I haven't had any contact with her since the middle of Jan.

Our Story

There was this little boy named Mike. He was about 3 years-old with blond hair and blue eyes. He was very independent kind of like a little girl I know. He had a dog named Odie, who was a golden lab and he loved his dog. Odie loved him also. So Odie loved to go up in the woods and chase birds and squirrels and rabbits. One day Odie ventured up to do some chasing. Mike decided to follow him and off into the woods he went. Now Odie and Mike were gone for quite awhile and the daddy was starting to get worried as he couldn't find Mike. And then Odie came home. Daddy figured Mike must have followed Odie, but didn't follow him home. So he started calling Mike. Mike found himself alone in the woods and got a little scared. He started calling Odie. Well Odie heard Mike and he went back in the woods and led him home. Daddy gave Mike a great big hug and told him not to go in the woods anymore because next time he might not find his way home.
My girl is two years-old so this is about as long of a story as she would sit still for. Thanks for the idea Erin.

Family Recharge #8

Today we are to tell a story. Ah. I remember doing that with my child when he was young. And good thing we had good memories because I had to tell the stories I had made up again and again and again. The only thing I recall about them now is having to do with trucks and hills.
I'm sure I can make one up for Audrie.

Mostly Unsaid

The fostercare parenting classes start next week. We have filled out our paperwork and got the background check applications mailed in. Found out that at least the 16 page questionaire we didn't need to do again as they will use the one we just filled out for family placement. Hoping the references paperwork will just transfer over also. We have to wait and see on that. Monday we go and get our TB tests. We are making progress on the whole thing.
What is left unsaid except between us and the social worker...is we are actually working on adoption. The little man's mom and dad have 18 months to make effort to jump through the hoops to get him back or their rights are terminated. We are into month three. The social worker is giving us all these hints of things to do to make it all easier and better for us. She said she still hopes they will get it together, as do we, but it sure looks doubtful at this point.
The social worker also asked us what about Mom's next baby. We told her we are at capacity. So she will be looking for a fosterhome to adopt that would still maintain contact with us and the little kids. Sure hope that isn't anything that happens anytime soon.
'

Going Back

I want to go back to where we were all those years ago. We used to be more affectionate. More than quick kisses and hugs. I'm not knocking kisses and hugs. I was just so inhibited back then. So if Dave would come up behind me in the kitchen I would not like it. I was busy and we had kids. I spent a lot of years worrying about how we would affect the kids with our actions. If I knew then what I know now. I always thought that once we were empty nesters we would act like newlyweds. Ha. We are never going to be empty nesters.
Another hindsight. If I would have realized that I had married an alcoholic who one day would be in recovery, we would have hired babysitters once in awhile and went out. We'd have hit the comedy clubs, Darcelle's, shows, etc. I just never had kids with the intention of going out a lot. Always thought we would do that later. My objective with kids was to be a parent. So we did family things and family vacations and family outings. And I would not change any of that.
Think I am rethinking how we raise our next generation. Maybe we need to integrate a date night once a month or something. We just can't go to bars, clubs, places where alcohol is a big thing. I'm sure we can find some other fun things to do. And I will get over my melancholy for the things that didn't turn out as planned.

Family Recharge #7

Today we are thinking about anchors. Those rituals that bond us. We have many family dinners, although they seem to have slowed down as of late. Maybe we are too tired. I'm sure once good warm weather hits we'll be back at that.
We do have one ritual for meals. When we eat and tivo, Audrie gets to sit with Papa in his chair. The recliner is up so the footrest is her table. We have discovered that she tends to let Papa eat more when this happens. We pull Connor into the living room with us and he sits on his bouncy chair and takes it all in. Wonder if there will be room in that recliner for two kids by next year. :P

I loved the story told about the nests. When I was a child my brother and I used to make nests on the bed. It just reminded me. Maybe we will start that one, one evening a week.

Family Recharge # 6

Reflecting. I love having the assignments. I like that it is just one. If I have too many choices I may not pick any.
Today our assignment seemed to be to unplug. Well that didn't happen. I never was on the computer for any great length of time, but I always feel compelled to check in.

Play Dough

Who knew that homemade playdough was so dang easy to make. Part of our day today on the family recharge was to make and play with playdough. So after naps I made blue playdough that smelled like lavender. I swear it only took two minutes beyond the fun I had trying to get enough salt out of shakers. I'm never out of salt, so was rather shocked. Anyway.....

After it cooled I got it ready for Audrie to play with. Now my best impression was she wasn't thrilled after she took a bite. Pretty salty. She did play with it for a bit and then wondered off. When I went to put it away she played with it in the container so I guess it was a success. It was her very first experience with playdough and she is just 27 months old. We'll do it again and probably again and again and again.

For Today

I am breathing.
I am practicing ahimsa.
I am thanking Dr. Handelman for my 20th injection that keeps me seeing.
I am enjoying the family recharge.
I am finding my child amusing.
I am basking in footsies with the little man.
I am loving Audrie kisses and hugs.
I am amazed at the fosterparenting process.
I am appreciative of Doug's insight and it helped.
I am in love with Dave.
I am looking forward to playing with playdough with Audrie, but I bet Papa isn't.
I am sending light and love to Elizabeth and Adrianna.

Fmily Recharge #5 Assignment

How are you doing with this Re-Charge?
Are you having the experience that you want and need?
Has your original intention evolved at all?
How would you like to experience the second half of our Re-Charge?

I'm having fun with this. I wasn't sure what to expect so I didn't really have a preconceived notion of what it would be like. I'm going to continue to roll with it and see what it brings.

This I can say. I have found some great recipes, met some interesting parents who struggle the same as me, and have totally enjoyed the challenges. Thank you Erin.

And today's challenge is playdough. Oh goody. I love playdough, but have never made it. Pictures later as it is 5:30 in the morning here and everyone else is asleep except me and the little man.

Really??

We got a letter from our son yesterday. He is in jail on a probation violation. Again. Anyway he is very apologetic again for the wrongs he has done. Okay. Then he proceeds to tell us how his sister is awesome and really helping him out. She is going to let him come live at her house and supervise him so he can't use drugs. Hahahahahaha. I don't know which one is funnier or stupider.
That said...he still has 30 days in jail and a lot will change in that time. Odds are he will never make it to her house and if he does nothing will change.
And he comments that he knows how much we hate her. We don't hate her. Just right now we have nothing to offer her, either, so have distanced ourselves. If you enable, sometimes you need to do that because it isn't really helpful.

Family Recharges to Date

Family Recharge #4 In the Kitchen
Audrie has been spending most meal preparation times in the kitchen for awhile. She used to play with pots and spoons on the floor. She recently discovered how much fun a chair at the counter is and especially by the sink. Our water bill has gone up. :P But I don't mind, she is involved and near me where I can watch her. She is about old enough now to start helping Nana cook. We have been working on getting her back to mostly healthy snacks. Funny how things slide when you have a new routine to get used to. Ours was Connor coming to live with us at three weeks old the week before Christmas. We have settled into the routine so she has to get back in the groove. She and Papa have been eating apples and pears and cheese. She is always interested in what we eat even if she won't always try it. We are trying to always offer her the healthy food, but not forcing it on her.
Family Recharge #3
Today we are to reflect on how we transition from work time to family time. What special rituals do we have, etc.This one doesn't seem to apply to me so much. I don't work from home at all. I work part time so when I leave work and go home..work is done.As for rituals of when we connect.....Audrie and I connect all day long whether it is reading books, playing in the kitchen (I cook and she plays in the sink), and bathtime is still special. Connor and I have all that bonding time when we are having a bottle, when we play footsie, when we just look at each other and now we talk to each other. We are asked about being present. I try to always be present. I'm not always successful. It is one of those intentions that I set daily. This moment is the important one as it is all we really have.

Family Recharge Assignment #2
Set your compass > What helps you to 'Set your Compass' and start your day with intention and purpose? What ways do you help your children to start the day mindfully?
My day used to start with a cup of coffee and my computer time. Now it starts with a feeding time for Connor. Then I sit him in his bouncy chair by my desk and enjoy my coffee, computer and playing footsie with him. On the mornings Audrie is up with me we have some cuddle time. Move your Body > What are your favorite ways to get yourself and your children moving (and outside) in a way that feels joyful?
We love to go to the park. We spent a lot of time last summer/fall at the park. Once winter hits here it rains a lot. This week has had some nice breaks in the rain and we have hit the park twice.

Family Recharge #1
Today we were suppose to look around and see what we would put in a time capsule about our life. So my pictures are Dave as my foundation, the never ending job of laundry, the little kids, memories, my perpetual messy desk and my live my life magnet. It is a beginning and a starting point for thinking about things. It's enough for today.
The little kids went to their Nana Nita's for the night. So Dave and I went out for dinner with David, Emma, and Pat. We had Italian food at Giuseppe's in Portland. I was amazed that I could get Dave to go to Portland for a meal. :P We had a really nice time. The food was good and the company better. We are blessed with our family and our friends.

Family Recharge #4 In the Kitchen

Audrie has been spending most meal preparation times in the kitchen for awhile. She used to play with pots and spoons on the floor. She recently discovered how much fun a chair at the counter is and especially by the sink. Our water bill has gone up. :P But I don't mind, she is involved and near me where I can watch her. She is about old enough now to start helping Nana cook.
We have been working on getting her back to mostly healthy snacks. Funny how things slide when you have a new routine to get used to. Ours was Connor coming to live with us at three weeks old the week before Christmas. We have settled into the routine so she has to get back in the groove. She and Papa have been eating apples and pears and cheese. She is always interested in what we eat even if she won't always try it. We are trying to always offer her the healthy food, but not forcing it on her.

Orientation for Foster Care Classes

We had our orientation tonight. Doesn't seem too bad. We've already done a lot of the work, so even if it has to be repeated.... I think the hardest part is going to be the classes themselves. The paperwork, background check and home study are just repeats. Have to get a TB test. Fun. Good thing needles don't bother me anymore.
Things we need to do are get background checks on all our babysitters and move Connor's crib into the bedroom. That means probably dismantling the bunk bed and using just the top on the bottom for awhile. Audrie and Connor can share a room until Audrie is six or CPS is out of our lives forever. Either way probably means a remodel of the house. Yeehaw.
Actual classes start a week from Friday. And it sounds like it was a good thing I signed up when I did as the Feb classes are already all full.

Seriously Continued

As if the text about not contacting her or her girls and then the birthday card weren't enough....it seems her boyfriend sent me a message on facebook to some weird place so I never got notified of it. I just happened to notice a funny thing when I was someplace else and looked. I'm not surprised he couldn't send a normal message. The message said....

"So glad Tanya and her family are done with you, I have never seen a more inmature couple of shitheads you portray yourselves to be. You and your man make me sick. Im the one who has been holding Tanya when she cries after reading your crule messages blogs and LIES She and Liz will be much happier with the 2 of you out of their lives. I just had to put my thoughts in here as well so please do me a favor and go fuck yourselves !"

Now I have never met this guy. And yet Tanya has decided that his opinion is the only one that matters. Okay. I have no problem with that. But what gives him the right to say these things to me. He had been in the picture for all of a week when he sent this. Tanya must be desperate if this is the kind of man she wants in her life. Oh yeah...I forgot. She is. Obviously. I did look him up now that I have a name and the man has had two protection orders. Hmmmm.

Sure am hoping I don't need one of those protection orders myself. Because I do not agree with Tanya when she says he is such a good guy. Good guys don't tell you to cut your family out just because you disagree with their opinions.
And if my blog makes her cry so damn much...why is she reading it? She only comes up once a month or so and yet I am cruel. Nah. I am here though, hence one of the reasons for a new blog. :P
And I laugh at the part about me and my man. My man is Tanya's father. What a douchebag as Doug has so aptly nicknamed him.

Family Recharge Assignment #3

Today we are to reflect on how we transition from work time to family time. What special rituals do we have, etc.

This one doesn't seem to apply to me so much. I don't work from home at all. I work part time so when I leave work and go home..work is done.
As for rituals of when we connect.....Audrie and I connect all day long whether it is reading books, playing in the kitchen (I cook and she plays in the sink), and bathtime is still special. Connor and I have all that bonding time when we are having a bottle, when we play footsie, when we just look at each other and now we talk to each other.

We are asked about being present. I try to always be present. I'm not always successful. It is one of those intentions that I set daily. This moment is the important one as it is all we really have.

Moon and Stars

So last week an astronomy professor sent out an email about what we could see this weekend with the clear weather. So cool to actually see Jupiter and Venus and know what they are. I also saw the constellation Orion the Hunter. I'm usually doing good to even pick out the big dipper. Audrie just likes all the stars, the moon and the planes. Me too, and we can't forget the satellites.

Family Recharge Get Outside

After naps we went outside and played for an hour and a half. We walked around in the woods. Connor is still fascinated with the treetops. Audrie had fun playing with the dog and throwing her ball. She found her ball under a cedar. It was a glorious afternoon and we had a good time.

Family Recharge Assignment #2

Set your compass > What helps you to 'Set your Compass' and start your day with intention and purpose? What ways do you help your children to start the day mindfully?

My day used to start with a cup of coffee and my computer time. Now it starts with a feeding time for Connor. Then I sit him in his bouncy chair by my desk and enjoy my coffee, computer and playing footsie with him.

On the mornings Audrie is up with me we have some cuddle time.



Move your Body > What are your favorite ways to get yourself and your children moving (and outside) in a way that feels joyful?

We love to go to the park. We spent a lot of time last summer/fall at the park. Once winter hits here it rains a lot. This week has had some nice breaks in the rain and we have hit the park twice.

And on to todays other assignment. Get outside. But it has to wait until the little kids come back from their Nana Nita's.

Seriously

So I got a card in the mail today from Tanya. This after she sent the text on Thursday to not contact her or the girls. She sent the card on Friday. Fucking alcoholic games.

Family Recharge Assignment #1

Today we were suppose to look around and see what we would put in a time capsule about our life. So my pictures are Dave as my foundation, the never ending job of laundry, the little kids, memories, my perpetual messy desk and my live my life magnet. It is a beginning and a starting point for thinking about things. It's enough for today.

The little kids went to their Nana Nita's for the night. So Dave and I went out for dinner with David, Emma, and Pat. We had Italian food at Giuseppe's in Portland. I was amazed that I could get Dave to go to Portland for a meal. :P We had a really nice time. The food was good and the company better. We are blessed with our family and our friends.

Another Day at the Park

Another wonderful day to go to the park. We went to a different park this time and did a stroll before the playground. The sun was setting so it got chilly pretty quick. We'll have to go back again on another day when it is warmer.
Connor was mesmerized by the trees and Audrie loved the swings.

Blessed

Blessed in that I can still get down and up off the floor.
Blessed in having two little kids' snuggles.
Blessed in a long marriage.
Blessed in a job I love that suits my ocd tendencies.
Blessed to be owned by four cats.
Blessed to have a dog.
Blessed for all the good food we have in the pantry.
Blessed for my mom still being here with me.
Blessed for another day to practice ahimsa.
Blessed for being able to breath.
Blessed for supportive friends.
Blessed for having the Clay's, the Will's and the Kadow's as part of our extended family.
Blessed with my siblings.
Blessed with Myk and all his faults.
I am blessed everyday and I am thankful for it.

A Letter to Tanya

I admit that sometimes I am dense. And it only took me twenty some years to realize that you really don't consider me a member of your family. And that's all right because after the last year...I really don't consider you part of mine.
So here it is. You got what you wanted and yet you still cry? How stupid is that? Or maybe you just haven't realized yet that what you wanted wasn't this. You have now continued to use your children as pawns in a one upmanship game. The only ones hurt are your children. And yet you claim they are all important to you. Well have fun with that. When they are 18 they can come see me without your permission.
This whole last year has been spent with you trying to prove that you are a grown up and can make your own decisions. You always had that ability since you became a legal adult. The problem came when you started lying about it so you wouldn't have to hear an opinion different than yours. Examples...lying about Kristie living in Oregon. Lies about your car breaking and that is why you needed to trade in a three year old car for a 13 year old car. Lies about your married boyfriend....he is getting divorced...right. Lies about your friends going to the bar only to drink pepsi. How about you....you said you only do that also and yet you go almost every weekend at least once. NO ONE goes to a bar that often and just drinks pepsi. We are not stupid, no matter what you believe. You told me that there is nothing wrong with your choices. As I have stated I disagree. Rather than have you cut me off from your children...I let it all go and did not say anything. Why say anything anyway when you would just lie more about it?
You now lie as much as Mike and Cassie do. I always always write off their lies as them being addicts and it is what addicts do. Oh duh. The way you are acting is so much like how they act. Alcohol is a drug too. The difference is Mike is my family and one of my closest relationships. Right now I am distanced from him because I can't do anything for him and only enable his disease. But he always says hey mom how are you. You say can you babysit.
It definitely feels like you put just enough effort into a relationship with me to make sure you have a babysitter.
And then when babysitting is curtailed due to changes in our life...you throw out your email on all the things we do wrong and how you might have to cut off seeing Elizabeth unless I take an Adrianna day. Wow. Leave you alone and this is what spews. Say okay...no more Elizabeth days and we leave you alone and then you send a text telling us to never contact you or your children again. And when we become 'muture' you will allow us supervised visitation. Yeah right. I have told you before I refuse to play that game. So consider yourself the winner.
I realize you don't feel any culpability in this relationship being crap. Afterall you justify the lies as you aren't really lying. You can hurt your children like this because you are protecting them from loving grandparents who just happen to tell the truth. Oh that is right...I'm just the babysitter. You needed one of those so you could spend the last year trying to get laid and go out for adult nights. And you just have no help in raising your kids. But you go out a lot. That isn't raising your kids. You complain about no breaks and hurt your children when you tell them how much you need breaks from them. Don't worry though as I am not the only one Elizabeth talks to about all the things wrong in your household. I never initiated those conversations, but I did listen and a lot of times I agreed with her opinion.
You know I thought Christmas was all right. Felt like there was a chance at a mend in this broken fence we have. You actually acted like a member of the family. Didn't spend all your time texting and talking to Elizabeth about your friends. Joined in helping out and actually fixed Adrianna's plate. And then I found out that you posted on facebook about Connor not being a part of the family and he is 'only' Audrie's half brother. That you didn't need to ask anything about him as you already knew everything, but you also complained because we didn't call you and tell you about him being born. When he was born everyone thought he was going to the adoptive family so what did you care about it? And it was Mike's place to let you know, afterall he is your half brother. You can't have it both ways....complain about not knowing anything and complain about knowing everything so you don't have to ask.
For me it was like a culmination of all the other things. You never ask about my life and things that are important to me. And you better believe that Connor is important to me. He is part of my family whether he is Mike's son or not. And you don't know crap and really don't want to. He is just an intrusion in your life as he is the cause of your babysitter quitting. But he is only one reason I quit. The other is I am tired of being your floormat where the only time you contacted me is to ask for babysitting. Sorry.
So this is where it stands. I will never contact you again as you have asked. I will contact your children, but I will wait until they are 18. You are wrong, but you make it really easy to totally give up on you.
Natalie

Spectacular Afternoon

It was beautiful today. We took the little kids outside. Audrie ran and ran for over an hour. I think she and Minnie will sleep good tonight. Connor wanted to run, but just wasn't up for it so he got carried around the yard. Then we spent some time just sitting in the bouncy chair on the deck. He was taking it all in. Audrie kept trying to share her toys with him every time she made a pass by us. I love days when we can get outside and play.

Morning

It is all quiet this morning. The little man woke early and is now back asleep. Of course. We got up at 3:30 a.m. and then I had one of my bouts of insomnia so I could not fall back asleep when he did at 4:30 a.m. I'm getting used to them a bit. Gives me time to enjoy peace and quiet with nothing going on. It seems that Audrie has a stir time around 4 in the morning. She does put herself back to sleep so I just listen to it.
Candy day today. Would be an Elizabeth day, but not. I still have her birthday present. I am such a procrastinator. I did give her money so she isn't missing much. I told her I would get the present to the post office and haven't yet. I haven't even wrapped it or got it ready for mailing. I am so bad.

Quietness

Audrie is settling down for the night. Connor is fed and asleep. Nana is ready to follow suit. It was mostly a quiet day. Cassie deemed it a non-visitation day. Myk did not get money from his mother.