Oy

So the home specialist came out again this week.  The weather was glorious so I had suggested to the little man that they take his basketball to the hoop and play.  And so they did.  About half an hour later my phone rang.  Seems the little man got in a funk and showed the home specialist some of his issues and then ran.  The home specialist followed.  They came back and he commented that the little man did not bite him.  Well that is good.  He bites hard.  I think they will have some things to talk about next time.
It was nice to come home today and not have any appointments.  Feels like we are just running so much lately...and we are.

Mind Reading

My life would be so much easier if I could read minds.  I don't know why it takes me so long to figure some stuff out.  So the little woman gets on a loop.  For whatever reason.  Yesterday it was what she wanted to eat.  And she said no to everything over and over and over.  Today it was what was she going to do.  Over and over and over.  I finally hit on the right question to ask to get her to stop for a moment.  This morning?  No.  This afternoon? Yes.  And so I told her what would happen and then she was fine.  If I could read her mind we wouldn't have had to go through the over and over part.  I believe it is a brain processing thing.  Sometimes she just doesn't have the word she needs in that moment.  Ahhh, ain't life grand?

Upping the Ante

The little man and I met with Dr. Borkin again today.  The little man is handling the meds fine so we are upping them.  He will now get half a pill morning and night.  Hope it has some positive effects quickly. 
Afterwards we stopped at a bakery.  He chose a decorated cupcake.....at $6 a pop.  I saw some lovely red velvet ones so that was my choice.  Now that red velvet was divine.  He really really liked his.  He gave me a bite and I was disappointed.  His cupcake was no where near fresh.  And that reminded me that that happened last time we got cupcakes there a couple of years ago.  I am just chalking it up to bad memory and at least he enjoyed it. 

Long Week

Liz is on vacation so I have a long week.  I work long days all week except for tomorrow when the little man has a dr. appt in the afternoon.  I always love that first long day.  While it is okay.....I really notice it at night when I stiffen up.  It gets better over the week  because I have been reminded that I need to sit a certain amount of time during the day also.  Eight hours standing on concrete is just too much for arthritis and chronic knee issues.
After work we had to rush to see the therapist.  Good thing it is our only rush day.  Sometimes I schedule stuff too close.

Exploring

We spent a couple of hours at Klineline exploring.  Well one of us started the day whining, but then got more into it after she got my hoody.  She forgot her own and just had a jacket.  The weathermen lied when they said it would get to 54 degrees.  We were taking advantage of a non rain day and doing something outside.  Trying to keep us moving and grooving. 

Rodent?

The little woman was all excited, not in a good way.  She kept saying come here, come here.  There is a rodent out here.  My first reaction is 'oh no not again'. So I walk out to check and outside by the corner of the house was an opossum.  Now they do have a rodent kind of appearance, but they really are marsupials.  It is the first one the littles have ever seen.  They were concerned it would attack out cats.  I explained it is just passing through and since our cats are inside, they are fine.  And then it just moseyed on down the road or yards or wherever it went.  I did explain that we don't try to corner them.  They are wild and can bite. 

Little Bits

So today the little woman asked if she could have a sleepover with her mom.  Since her mom lives 2000 miles away that had to be a no.  The littles don't talk about her often.  Just every so often a little bit will sneak out.  I know they have to miss her terribly.  And even though they have always been with me....there is always that bond they have with her.  I just wished she had the same bond with them. 
So they haven't seen her in a year and a half.  I haven't heard of any plans whatsoever for their mom and family to come out here this year.  I do not have plans to go back there.  The last time kind of left a burnt taste in my mouth and I haven't gotten over it yet.  That said I still feel bad that they don't get to have much of a relationship with her because of her choices. 

Mica

We hadn't seen Mica in several days.  I really thought she was gone.  And then she appeared.  A little worse for wear.  We gave her some water and then she was gone again.  I'm almost sure she is hiding somewhere in the garage, but I can't find her.  She is getting kind of skinny.  Reminded me of Lance when he came back from a few days in the woods.  His body was shutting down and he did die. 
So today she appeared again.  The little man spotted her and then gave her fresh water and some food.  He checked on her several times and she let him give her love.  Sometimes he can be so caring and loving.  Anyway she looked about the same as she did a few days ago.  So I don't know.  I know she is an elder cat, but no where near as old as some cats we have had. 

The Home Specialist at Home

The home specialist came by again today.  The little man was a bit hyper.  Inattentive.  We wondered if it was caused by the new meds.  I wouldn't have thought much except he was like that with the brain doctor yesterday.  I will remember to ask the doctor on Tuesday and also remind myself that sometimes it takes a bit for meds to level someone out.  I'm sure it is fine.  And at least it was a happy hyper.

And the Fun Begins

The little man and I had therapy today.  And then we met with the brain doctor.  This is part of the program the therapist called coaches, I think.  It involves a lot of testing to see where he really is in development.  I really liked Holly and he really liked her room.  New toys to explore.  We are going to begin with the frontal lobe testing.  She doesn't want to repeat anything the school is already going to do for the IEP.  So no IQ testing right now at the Children's Center.  My understanding is the results from CC will be shared with the school team in helping with the IEP.
So the frontal lobe is one of the main components affected by drug use while pregnant.  That is where we are heading.  She explained it like a car.....the intelligent part is the engine and the horsepower.  The frontal lobe is the mechanics....like brakes.  So it doesn't matter how good the engine (intelligence) is.....if the brakes(frontal lobe) fail, the car crashes.
The positive takeaway was it is easier to retrain the brain now, rather than waiting until he is a teenager.  And that is exactly my thinking.  That is one of the reasons we are doing this.  This testing will tell us a lot about where we need to go from here.  What will be the most beneficial in treatment.
I also liked that I was a bit validated.  My own insights are spot on and she said more than once that I don't get any down time.  Nope.

Back To It

I had an appointment today with the therapist.  We talked about the trauma the littles went through.  We talked about some of the loss they have gone through.  And there is a lot of loss.  We talked about how our neighbors seem to be hyper-vigilant now mostly in response to how the little woman reacts to her anxiety.  I believe only one neighbor really has a sense of what goes on here.
The good is that there have been no cops called since before Christmas.  We talked about how stupid that is.  And in a time when it might not be stupid...by the time a neighbor would call, the incident is all over and they have no reason to be there.  We did talk about how that is a paper trail for the hyper-vigilant.  Oy.
The therapist is going to talk to the little woman's therapist about giving the little woman some new tools in handling the little man.  She automatically tells him no when he asks for things.  And "no" is a trigger for him.  The little woman, like me, gets to learn a new language.  And let me tell you, it is hard.  It is so easy to fall back into old patterns.
The little man and I ended our night with a spat.  Things flew.  I'm going to have fun finding all the game pieces tomorrow from his games.  I'm just saying stop and it isn't.  Because he only hears the loudness and the anger...(hard not to be angry when a remote hits you in the face).  Afterwards I can always tell where I went wrong.  And then we calm down.  Just shows that we are not anywhere near done yet with therapy.

No Appointment Monday

It was a nice down day.  The little man spent a couple of  hours outside playing down the street.  For the past couple of months he has not been spending much time playing with friends in the neighborhood.  So it felt nice that he went and enjoyed some play time.
We did nothing of consequence the whole day.  Just relaxed and vegged.  ;p  We have had so many appointments lately it feels like all we do is go to appointments.  Not only ours, but Mom has quite a few in there also.  Whew.  Nice to have down time.

Family Dinner

We started our family day a bit earlier than normal.  If the little man would have had his way we would have been at Pat's house by 8.  But instead we picked up the pizza a little after one and went.  The little woman had a birthday party to go to, so I dropped her after the little man and the pizzas.  Then I went and picked up Mom and took her to Pat's.  Then back to the birthday party for the little woman.  Boy I did a bit of driving.
The little woman had a blast at the party.  It was for her friend Emily and the party was at a gymnastics place.  Amber got some pictures and it really did look like she had a good time.  It makes my heart happy to see her smiling.
We had our pizza and it was ready just as the little woman and I got to Pat's.  We watched some  Grand Ole Opry and then I took Mom back.  She was not having the best day.  She got a little snitty when I was scratching one of the other residents back for him.  She informed me that she needed my attention.  Okay then.
The little woman keeps trying to get a sleep over for the little man.  Pat says not on weekends that he works overtime.  Then today she said she wished she could have a sleep over, either with Pat or one of her cousins.  My happy heart had a momentarily lapse.  None of the local cousins have anything to do with the littles.  And the ones that would have sleep overs live too far away.  I guess I still need to find some phoney cousins or she needs more friends.

Thirty Years

I can remember when thirty years seemed like such a long long time.  Now that I'm a little older I know it goes by quick.  So yesterday was thirty years since my dad died.  That's probably why I've been dreaming about him.  Thirty years.  A lifetime.  I wasn't even 30 when he died.
I remember a lot from that time.  And I have forgotten a lot.  It was a short and a long three months from surgery to death.  My Donald came over and sat with him a few times.  I remember when the words were gone but we still figured out what what was going on in his mind.  Like when he imagined he dropped a cigarette.  I remember Rowdy, our dog, being sad.  Rowdy was my dog, but really he called Dad his person.  I remember conversations.  My dad always had a trucker stomach, but when he died it was gone.  I remember being so shocked at that.  The fever that had overtaken his body just blew through that fat.  I remember the love.
Light and Love Dad wherever you are.

Emotion Uno

Wow.  So today in therapy we played emotion uno.  Each color is assigned an emotion and when you play a card of each color, you have to tell about when you felt that emotion or when others might.  When you hit lonely for the second time...it is difficult.  What was interesting about the game was the little man's responses.  And they are so freaking sad.  For sad, he said he is sad that he doesn't live with his mom.  And that is natural even though he has never lived with her.  For lonely, he commented that his dad being in jail makes him feel lonely.  Which probably explains the questions lately about visiting Dad.
I so wish I could fix his world so that it was all he deserved.

The home specialist

So our new home specialist came today.  He arrived on time and the little man immediately took to him.  He has not taken that fast to any of the people we have met through the Children's Center.  They did a lot of talking and a lot of practice breathing.  It is the deep belly breathing as a tool to use when he is feeling anger taking over.  The great thing about it is, it is exactly the same strategy the school psychologist has been working with him on.  Hopefully if he keeps practicing he will remember to use it when he actually needs it.
We also saw the psychiatrist this morning and got a prescription.  He starts that tomorrow night.  A few kids have a bad reaction and we wanted that to be at home if it happens, not school.  We go back in two weeks, assuming everything is fine, and then the dosage gets upped a bit and that will start showing us if it is working for him.

Check Up For Mom

My day started off rough, but got better.  I picked up Mom for her doctor appt. and we were about 15 minutes late.  Turns out that was fine because the doctor was about 15 minutes late. 
The whole ride there and the whole wait in the waiting room Mom was lamenting about being angry at some one.  She could not remember who or what or why.  She just remembered the anger.  Well it was the day before when the occupational therapist came to work with her and they woke her up.  I saw her shortly after that with the physical therapist and she was calmer, but not having anything to do with those appts.  Today she felt bad because she kept saying that isn't her.  I just told her (many times) that the therapist did not take it personally. 
Mom's doctor appointment was basically a formality for medicare.  Is she depressed, is she a drunk, has she fallen, etc?  And the doctor basically was just going by rote.  I knew that when she said that social connections can help ward off getting dementia.  At least that appt. is over and Mom is fine as far as it goes. 
Then we went out for lunch.  We almost always do lunch after a doctor appt. 

Love Notes

The little woman has discovered note writing.  She made ornaments at daycare, but didn't bring them home until after Christmas.  So she gave me mine and I put it with the Christmas stuff.  A few days later she handed me another one all wrapped up for Mommy.  I sat it aside.  There is no hurry on getting it there.
Well one morning I found it on my dresser next to the clock with a little love note that said please take this to the post office.  Took me a couple of weeks, but I did. 
Then this week the little man broke one of my candles in a glass jar.  Well I didn't clean it right up.  I wanted to wait and make him help me.  But not in the middle of his temper tantrum.  Promptly forgot about it.  Then I found all the broken glass in a bowl with a love note that said "I picked up the glass for you." 
She sure can be a funny girl.  And I think she is going to be a note writer/list maker kind of person.  :P

180 Days

It was time to update us at The Children's Center.  We have been there for six months.  So we touched on some positives.  I can sometimes deescalate the little man much quicker now.  I am still working on tone and keeping my mouth shut.  Harder than it sounds.
We hit on how he tries to bait me.  Just like an alcoholic.  If I can make you mad and act out then I can continue to have a reason to misbehave.  Oy.  The therapist had spent half a day at the school last week and she noticed that same kind of behavior when he played with his male peers.  He plays much better with the girls.
There are days I feel we are making progress and then there are days I feel we are drowning.  But we keep on keeping on, one day at a time.  We have not come anywhere near the bar in the time we have been in therapy.  And that is always a good thing.
And now I am searching for a new activity to fill in for basketball.  I did email community ed back, but I don't expect anything to come from it.

Eyes

The little woman's hair is getting unruly.  She did not want me to trim up her bangs so she could see.  I never quite got if it was me trimming them or if she wanted to try to grow them out again. 
Anyway Renee from across the street invited her to go to the salon and get a haircut.  So today turned out to be the day that occurred.  She came home and you can see her beautiful eyes.  She had been dared at school to cut her hair and she had done it.  So the stylist fixed that.  She probably cut three or four inches off and the little woman looks much better.  Less shaggy. 

Access Admission

We have long gaps between our visits to the Children's Museum.  Mostly because it is spendy.  We go on first Fridays because they are free.  But most Fridays we are busy.  But since I recently discovered Arts for All, I have been watching for reduced admissions for us.  And the Children's Museum is one of the places that offer that.  They call it Access Admission.  We got in for $2 apiece. 
And off they went.  I followed the little man all around.  The little woman did her thing and every so often she would come find us or we would run into her.  And I realized something.  She is becoming self reliant.  Not because she wants to, but because I am so unavailable.  I have to follow the little man because he is younger.  And they do not play together.  So I trail after him to watch out for him and to keep him on an even keel.  But that leaves her on her own a lot.
She is not an extrovert so she plays by herself.  And I miss a lot.  I have missed both of her plays with the girl scouts.  I can't volunteer to help her with her girl scouting activities.  I am so needed elsewhere.  I spend so much of my time and energy with him that she really misses out.  And there is no way to change that.  And so she is becoming more self reliant all the time. 
And then that leads to the realization that she will not be me.  She will not have the relationship with me as a grown up that I had hoped.  I so hoped for one like I have with my mom (or did).  She was the last chance.  And so it will be.  And I will roll with it.  And in the meantime we will keep on keeping on with me following the little man around and her growing up on her own. 

Counseling Appt and Others

The little man and I went to our counseling appointment this morning.  Talked about how it went over the break from school.  Scheduled next weeks appointments.  Oy.  With Mom's appointment to see her doctor I have six appointments next week.  Really glad I have some time off.  Didn't really mean to fill it all up with therapy.  So yes, we have a new home specialist.  I'm just trying to roll with it, since I had no say in it. 
We touched on the no basketball and the little man informed us that he can still play basketball, just not wall ball.  We will have to have a better chat about that.  He seemed okay with the no wall ball at school. 
Rushed him back to school so he didn't miss too much.  All of  his therapy appointments now mean missing time from school.  Mental health is important.
Then I went to be with Mom when her PT and OT people came.  She has no real problems with her eyes except being able to look down.  So we are to work on that.  She tried a couple of walkers.  I'm not sure.  She was mad and then not mad.  Said it made her feel like an invalid and she would just rather walk. She has four weeks of PT so we shall see how it goes. 

Broken

The little man had three good days in school with Wednesday being spectacular.  He was happy and played great.  The school counselor called me to tell me about it.  Usually I only get calls when something has gone awry.  She told me how a challenged child wanted to play tetherball and the little man played with him and then let him win.  The little man didn't feel like the other kid totally understood the rules and went out of his way to be compassionate. 
And then we had today.  And there went that other shoe again.  He had a rough day and actually came home and told me about it.  Said he got mad and kicked his friend in the neck.  Now I'm not sure how that occurs unless they were on the ground.  Anyway I was not surprised when the principal called to tell me about it and what they were going to do for the consequence. 
I was very surprised when I got an email from community education informing me that because of the incident at school the little man could no longer play basketball this season.  The pieces of my heart shattered into littler pieces.  And I don't know how to explain this to the little man.  I understand the why because of a possible liability issue.  Basketball was a positive.  And now it will be a negative.  Or not.  It may just be another thing he loses like so much before. 

Impressive

So Wednesdays are basketball practice night.  With all the fun we have been having the last six months, I have been a bit anxious about how this is all going to go.  So tonight they were doing some training of referees.  The little man's team was split and they scrimmaged three on three.  It's a little different than how the real games are going to go, but it gave them a good taste. 
The little man was so impressive.  He plays well and he plays as a team.  He passes the ball and is a great rebounder.  He did not once get upset with any of the calls of the refs.  His coach is really good also.  Seems to intuit what the little man needs. 
After the official practice was over we stayed as long as the coach let us.  The little man got some fine tuning tips.  The little woman shot some hoops in her rain boots. 

Tired

Two long days of rush at work.  We were busier yesterday than any day of fall rush.  That felt so incredibly weird.  Today felt like a normal winter Tuesday.  Some guy came up and had great cologne. I told him he smelled good and Carissa told me that was creepy.  Maybe, but the guy liked the comment.
Usually I have tales to tell from Rush, but I really don't this time.
So I have a message on my answering machine from some one at the Children's Center.  It wasn't really clear as to what it is about.  My guess is it is a new home specialist.  John had warned us that his boss may consider it a conflict of interest.  I understand ethics and all that.  But I don't feel heard.  We were perfectly comfortable with John and had already had our meeting.  I guess if we have to change, at least the little man wasn't completely attached yet.
Here is what I know.  The little man is tired of talking about all this "stuff".  He was not very cooperative the last time he saw Taylor.  He took awhile to become cooperative with John.  He shuts down a lot if pushed too much.  He told me he did  not want to see the therapist anymore (he doesn't have a choice).  Change is harder for my little man than it is for me.  And I resist it like the plague.
And every one seems to want to make changes like crazy.  Taylor thinks we should move to Catholic Services for level four services.  And apparently the therapist thinks so also.  Start completely over with a boy who is done and a Nana who is just too tired.  I was assertive enough to say let's see how it goes where we are at right now.  We just started level 3.  And we see the psychiatrist next week about medication.

Whoa!

We co-sleep and have since the little man started sleeping in a bed.  The little woman started when we moved to the apartment.  So it goes.  Our routine is we go to bed and then watch television for a bit.  usually "Larva" on Netflix.  The little man usually falls asleep watching, but sometimes he turns the television off and says good night.
Well tonight he watched, turned the television off, said good night and then decided he was going to sleep in his own bed.  Wait...what?  Immediately I wondered what he was up to.  Nothing.  He went to bed and sleep in his own bed. 
Wonders never cease. 

Hard Day

It was just a hard day today.  Somedays are just like that.  I think if someone were to ask the littles, they would agree it was a hard day.  I don't know if it was something in the air or the water or not enough sleep.  I just know we were all in crappy moods and that is not a good combination. 

Growing Up

I have called the littles, the littles, since they were very tiny.  And it struck me this week that they really are not a little man and a little woman.  Not at 7 and 9 years-old.  So I need a new nickname for them.  Guess I will have to think about that.
Anyway the little man and I were at the grocery store this week.  We ran into a guy I work with.  I introduced the two of them.  Right off the bat the little man stuck his hand out for a handshake.  He looked Jacob in the eye and everything.  This the little man learned from Drew next door.  I was proud of how mature he acted and Jacob was a bit taken back. But he got on board and shook the little man's hand. 
They are growing and changing all the time.  And time is flying by.  It makes my heart happy when I see positive growth. 

Deja Vu

The little man and I were all alone today, so we went to Costco.  Then I dropped him at Pat's house and off to my rescheduled meeting at the school.  It went better than I expected.  At least for now.  We shall see how things progress.
The little man has a 504 in place and they will start the process of testing and evaluating for an IEP.  As they said they can't say whether he will get one.....but they said they think so.  With the behavior issues I am sure he will.
When we were all done with that, we talked about CPS.  Turns out two of the calls came from the school because of the mandatory reporting.  But they were reporting what two of my neighbors told them. I am sure of one.  Not sure of the other.  I wish I could remember who it was I had the conversation about domestic violence with.  I also got clarification on the teacher comment.  Made me feel a tad better.  I did not feel anger or frustration with the school.  In fact I was appreciative of their honesty.  If my math is right we have about 28 days before the case closes again.  And in the meantime I am not talking to any of my neighbors.  As I have said.....you may not make the call yourself and pat yourself on the back for it.  But if you do something that causes someone else to make the call, it is the same as you doing it.
The little man returns to school on Monday.  Yay!

Meeting and All the Answers

Ha.  The best laid plans and then God laughs.  I had an appt. at 1 at the school with the team working on the 504 and the IEP for the little man.  We picked up the babysitter and they had plans to shoot zombies in the backyard.  I left and went to my meeting.  I wasn't there for three minutes when my phone rang and I needed to go home.  And so I did.
I don't know what happened, other than nerves about my meeting.  But he trashed the house.  Even though I said I wasn't ever going to, I called the crisis line and that did absolutely no good.  After giving all my information I was patched through to a counselor whose phone wouldn't work.  So after I lost him I hung up.  At that point someone talking to me isn't going to help.  He did call back a few minutes later to make sure every thing was stable.  In that few minutes the little man had completely calmed down and was watching television.
After awhile he was calm enough for us to take the babysitter on an errand and get some food.  He ate a couple Arby roast beef sandwiches.  Food, especially protein always helps.  We stayed in a state of watching the rest of the day, but nothing more happened.
I had rescheduled the meeting.  The babysitter wanted to know if I wanted her to come the next day and I opted to use my brother instead.  Two major blowouts this week and both when the babysitter was here.  It's hard when things have actually been better at home.  I have been working on keeping my mouth shut......and using yes when possible.  Nothing is perfect and we have still had some issues, but they only last a few minutes.  It really felt like we were making progress on the home front.

OMFG

So I got up at my usual time.  Did my morning routine and actually remembered early to email the little woman's teacher about her bus schedule.  And then promptly forgot about it.
The little woman got up and decided she was taking a mental health day.  And I am just done arguing with people so I don't care.  She can stay home.  I was going to work as soon as the babysitter got there.  And that is what I did. 
So I'm on my break at work and the principal from the school calls.  She is a bit worried because I had emailed the teacher about the van being the way home today, but they hadn't seen the little woman.  So they were concerned.  I explained that I got up at my usual time, but she did not.  So I did not know she wasn't "feeling well" when I sent the email.  So it is all good. 
We get home tonight from girl scouts and I realize there are three messages on the machine.  Two from the school.  One the automated absence call and one from the school psychologist very concerned about the little woman not being in school and if she was safe.  The last message was from the therapist.  Seems the school had contacted her because they were so worried about the little woman and they couldn't get ahold of me.  Now they only called the house once and my cell once.  And one of those I answered.  I'm completely flabbergasted. 
Oh and I can't forget I did also get an email from her teacher.  I sure messed up every one's world today.  It's days like today that I almost feel like just packing it up and moving to some place remote and homeschooling.  Realistically I could not do that, but it is a nice daydream. 

Hello 2019

We sat down and talked about 2018/2019.  The little man said his favorite experience was camping at the island.  The little woman said movies.  His biggest accomplishment was learning to play basketball, while she couldn't say.  His favorite place to visit (and I thought it was going to be Disneyland for both) is Pat's house and hers was Mommy's(she didn't visit Mommy's  house in 2018) and Pat's.  Favorite food for 2018 was spaghetti for him and McDonald's for her.  Too true that.  When asked about free days he liked to play at Disneyland (finally) and she likes to play on my phone.  When asked one way they grew last year he said "a lot taller" (and boy did he.....two inches since Aug.) and she said she is not so playful.
Then we moved on to 2019.  I asked what they want to continue doing and he said growing.  Guess that is how you make it to be the tallest in the family.  She said birthdays.  He wants to try the scooter that turns into a mini bike and she wants to try to not live alone (sad).  He wants to visit Dizzy Castle this year and she would like to go to Paris and New York.  That is a lofty goal.
I just wanted them to take a few minutes and take stock of where we have been and where we would like to go.  In pretty simple terms.  Hoping that they see blessings in their life and good things in their futures.  And now on to it.