Connor Gene (Maybe)

Cassie went into labor yesterday. Myk called at about 6:30 wondering at what point they should go to the hospital. Her contractions were 9 minutes apart. I told him when it is like 5, or the water breaks, or there is too much pain. He called again at 7 and said please come. Her contractions had jumped to every couple of minutes. Off I went to pick them up and take them to the hospital. Every slowpoke must have been ahead of me. But I made it and we made it to the hospital about 7:45. They took her right up to maternity and did all the things they do. Connor Gene was born at 10:05 p.m. weighing in at 7 lb 3 oz and is 18 inches long. He was so mad at being born that there was no question about his lungs working. I absolutely appreciated Cassie allowing me to be part of the process. I looked at it like if she follows through with her plan of giving him up for adoption it may be the only chance I get to see him. And we won't know for a while yet if he is Myk's or not. Either way he is just perfect.
If Cassie follows through with the adoption in the real world and it turns out to be Myk's, the grief process begins. I had told Myk we would take him if he was related to us, especially to avoid that process. I think Myk would rather risk disappointing us than pissing off Cassie. It is their choice. But they aren't the only ones who lose something. And they both seem to think they will be all involved in that baby's life. That doesn't happen. And even if it did. The adoptive parents never said oh and we'll let the grandparents still be grandparents. Their great great happiness comes at the expense of loss for our whole family.
So thank you Cassie for giving your mom and I a chance to be part of the miracle of your boy. And thanks for the time we got to have before he moves to another family. And thanks for not making us share that time with the people who are so happy while we grieve. We have a good memory.

Raffle

Every year the bookstore collects toys for the Salvation Army for the holidays. We also do a raffle for just the employees. Usually the gifts are backpacks, Clark mugs, etc. Nothing too exciting. This year I noticed there are ten boxes for us to put our raffle tickets into. So I read the prizes and go whoa. We have one for bird watching binoculars and a nature walk with our resident bird watcher. Cool. So I am thinking this is the one I would like to win. Then I scan the next box. OMG. It is a ride along with Alan. Don't I sound like I am in the know. It is a ride along with one of our sheriff deputies. I would love love love to be on the other side of that. So I teased that maybe I needed to hide the box. Or I need to buy a lot of tickets to make sure I win.
So today I look at the boxes again. Every box is empty except the bird watching box. So I take a sneaky look at who bought all those tickets. It was Marti. Marti is the wife of Alan. So I go to her office and say either I need to hide my box or buy something like 25 tickets. She finally realizes what I said and says...you want the bird watching? I said nope, I want to ride with her husband. She admitted to buying 30 tickets trying to get that bird watching.
Anybody can do a ride along as long as you can pass a background check. So she told me that if I don't win she will help me arrange it and get the background check done a lot faster than if I just called up myself. And then I could ride with Alan for sure either way. I'll still put all my tickets in that box, as the purpose is the fundraising for the Salvation Army.

Calm

I finished reading "Addict in the Family" last night. As I was finishing up I felt this great calm come over me. It is like what I have been trying to practice and what I know is right was given credence and I became calm. It feels really nice. Carried on over to today. Worked hard and we didn't have any complaints about our holidays. I'm going to keep working my own recovery and not get sucked in to the insanity in the family. Just because they want to play doesn't mean I have to. :P
Oh and I just found out that I won some homemade soap in a contest one of the local businesses had on Saturday in honor of Small Business Saturday. It was at the place I spent the most money also so that seems fitting.

Today

I am not worrying about those outside of my household.
I am practicing ahimsa.
I am breathing.
I am thinking about a new yoga practice.
I am in the present.
I am working on my intentions. Guess I already am in a yoga practice.
I am playing with Audrie.
I am enjoying leftover turkey noodle soup. Yum.
I am visiting my mother.
I am finally decorating for the season and finishing my Christmas cards.
It is a good day.

Small Business Saturday

Today was small business Saturday. So I visited several shops in my town. Spread some money around in purchases. Managed to pick up a few more Christmas presents. Got to see Lulu and Brandons' baby. She is just precious. Their family own a local Thai restaurant and Lulu ventured out on her own with a boutique. You can visit her at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lulus-Boutique/141660580767

Almost Done

Took pie to Myk and Cassie. Then they went with me to Costco. They carted Audrie around while I did a bit of shopping. I am almost done Christmas shopping. I like it.
Dave got my bins down from the attic so maybe I'll decorate this year. Trying to stave off that depression I have had the past couple of years. At least it isn't the kind that needs medication. Once I realize I am depressed I can snap myself out of it. And it mostly seems to be situational. This has been mostly one crappy year with everyone in my family going off the deep end so situations abound. We'll see if we can stop it in its tracks this year.
At least this year....Myk is not in prison. That has to be a positive. :P

Thanksgiving 2011

Elizabeth was such a great helper today. Any task I put to her she did willingly and quickly. We got the dinner out in record time. The pies were delicious as was her fruit salad. Seemed like everyone enjoyed the meal and no one fell asleep on the couch for a change.
Elizabeth and I had looked at our collection of pictures earlier today. There are a lot of them with Pat sleeping on the couch. Usually after Thanksgiving. She got a kick out of seeing different ones of her mom and Doug when they were young. She was amazed at how many of Myk we had. I had already given Doug and Tanya most of theirs, but I still have Myk's. She said they didn't have very many of Myk and that is probably true. I was amazed at how many of Denise I had. And all her various hair styles over the years. Sometimes the hair style dated the picture. :p
Myk and Cassie opted not to join us this year. Too much drama. I totally understood and didn't feel bad about their choice. That and after last year I am getting used to holidays without my child. I'll take them some pie tomorrow as they requested. I just send out loving thoughts to them. And we are still awaiting the arrival of that baby.
Dave is finally feeling better after being sick all week. Whatever it was I am sure glad that Audrie and I seem to have not gotten it.

Elizabeth and Pies

Elizabeth came over today to bake pies for Thanksgiving. She made a pumpkin, a chocolate cream and a lemon meringue. She did a beautiful job. Says she intends on helping prepare the feast tomorrow also. I think she really likes to cook.

I had never really looked at the whole box for the pie crusts. I thought the warning about not eating the dough was hilarious. It reminded me of my grandmother telling us that eating the pie dough would give you worms. I have no idea where that came from, except that pie crust used to be more work, especially if people were eating the dough. I looked at the ingredients and could not figure out the reason for the warning. So yes, I ate the scraps. I eat raw cookie dough also. :p

Cheap Cheap Cheap

I love this time of year. Get a turkey for 26 cents a pound. Yeah have to spend $50, but that isn't hard to do. Picked one up for my brother today. $3.75 for a nice turkey. He'll have the whole meal with us and then cook his turkey for his leftovers...sandwiches and whatnot. Our turkey costed $4.75.
Just a thought. They can't raise a turkey for that cheaply. Hmmm.

Alcoholic Games

It is just so amazing how quickly one can fall right back into old patterns of alcoholic behaviors. I guess it is something we all deal with until all the family members are in recovery and that means we will always be dealing with it.
So I said no to Myk today as I know I should. I did not try and make it right for him after his sister kicked him while he's down. She wants to do that and be powerful and in control, well it is between him and her. He might learn something from it. And I remembered to not enable.
I'm trying to let all of that generation make their choices and live with their consequences. I know better than to offer unsolicited advice or opinions. They have to make their road and live it. So I have to not get sucked in when Tanya tries to justify her actions. Got to let it go. Got to let Myk's anger go as he needs to learn how to deal with that.
I have to remind myself that it is not really me personally everyone is lashing out at, but at their choices, their consequences, their diseases. I just happen to be standing where the fall out hits. Maybe I need to find a new place to stand. :P
Oh and Doug, don't think that leaves you off the hook. Just right now they are the ones acting out. You have your own consequences from your choices. :P Just you aren't getting all over me today. We are an alcoholic family and that is never going to change.

For Today

I am watching Myk and Cassie be resilient. I'm not sure I would survive on the road they are on.
I am hugging Audrie and being hugged by Audrie.
I am thankful for Elizabeth coming to Papa's rescue and being a Papa's helper.
I am grateful for meals with my mom. We had pork last night.
I am working hard at work. The busy time has started.
I am practicing ahimsa and need to work at it more.
I am breathing in and out.
I am awaiting the birth of Cassie's baby boy.
I am enjoying the cats who opt to sleep with me and Minnie for being a cuddle dog.

Girls' Night Again

The girls came over to spend the night again. We had spaghetti and played "Feed the Kitty". Four games with Elizabeth winning two and Nana winning two. Adrianna said she won when she played Audrie. Yeah, that's what I thought. The little girls again played very nicely.
It is amazing how grown-up Adrianna has become since she turned four years-old. It is like a switch flipped. Course she is tattling a lot, but that is a phase.
Elizabeth and I planned our pies for Thanksgiving and had a Christmas discussion. Trying to get some logistics worked out as best we can.
We always enjoy the girls coming over.

Blueberry Applesauce

Closeness

I am very close to my mom. We used to talk on the phone every day. Then her dementia hit and it changed things a bit. We are still close and we still talk a lot, but it is changed from what it was. I think because she is changing. It has been a great relationship. And I have always appreciated it. She cultivated it so as not to have a relationship with me like she had with her mother.
So I had a son. And while I have a great relationship with him he isn't going to call me every day just to chat. We won't have the same thing I have with my mom. And I knew that from the time he was born. And that is all right. He is my son.
There have been times when I have thought that maybe I could have it with Tanya. But that is not to be. And that's all right. She is my husband's child and her mother's daughter. And so I move on to Elizabeth. Maybe. She is 12 years-old and a lot can happen before she becomes a grown-up. Right now we are close and I like it. I hope we can maintain it. It is going to depend on her and those life forces conspiring against it.
What I love about Elizabeth at this age is her artisticness, her willingness to try new things, her love for her sister, her empathy and compassion, her honesty, her morality, and her sense of humor. I hope good things for her. That she continues to not need to learn every life lesson the hard way. I hope she can have a great relationship with her mom. I knew when she was little that we would have a special relationship.
I'm raising Audrie and we will have a very special relationship. But I am realistic enough to know that by the time she is a grown-up I will be much older and maybe not in the know so much. We will be close, but it will be different.
Maybe I need to do some more sowing of seeds.

Fridays

So we are back to regular Friday lunches. My friends Fred and Marilyn are back in town for several months. Mona will be back next month. It will be really good to see her, as I miss her a lot. Barb joined us today. Audrie can say her name. We've been through a lot over the last few years that we have been doing these lunches. Who knew when I attended that support group in 2004 that I would find lifelong friends. Sure am glad that I did.

Big Helper

We are starting to work with Audrie to help us pick up her messes. So far she is doing it. She had started doing it at the bank all by herself. She likes to help and is a great big helper. My house is still clean from when she and I cleaned it on Friday. So we must be doing something right.
Today she is going with Nana Nita out for lunch with her mommy and her aunt Tracy. She should enjoy that. Papa is already making plans to take advantage of non-child time. :P
We decided we are adjusting to her newfound independence. She is quite the girl and has a mind of her own. She has a stubborn streak like her parents. And she knows how to push Papa's buttons. :P That is when she isn't wrapping him around her little finger. Her vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds. Like hearing her use real words that we understand.

Myk/Mike

I heard tell that Myk is thinking about changing his name back to Mike. Something to do with reinventing himself. I really liked Myk and thought it was unique. But I understand.
I saw him yesterday. Haven't seen him since Audrie's birthday. I know he has been doing some side jobs to make money. He and Cassie are still at a hotel. I got hit up for money yesterday. And I relented. Once. Cassie looked very tired. She probably is since she is only about two weeks till her due date. Myk has a broken front tooth. Looks like that tooth is going to fall out anyway. Makes me sad. Someday he will want to fix that.
I am sad that I am instantly mad when we see each other and he wants something. He isn't doing anything wrong....I just don't like myself very much when I enable and I don't like myself very much when I don't. So I get angry to be put in a position of having to choose. I only want the best for him. And I know he isn't there yet. Isn't ready for that recovery road. And while I say I am not walking that path with him....I am every single day.
He is my child and I love him more than anything in this world. Right now I feel like clinging to him and holding him tight because I know how tenuous my family can be. Right now even in addiction he still shows some respect and honesty in his dishonesty. Right now he is still the only one who can make me feel pain (so I'm not a complete sociopath). He is my child. Wish that I could make his life perfect, but I can't. All I can do is love him.

For Today

I am practicing ahimsa.
I am appreciating my clean house and Audrie helping me to clean it.
I am grateful for Minnie snuggles.
I am listening to my brother saying "Oh well".
I am happy to go to work and being with good company.
I am filled with the joy of Audrie.
I am glad that Elizabeth and I are all right.
And I am proud of her for choosing honesty.
I am saying the serenity prayer.
I am glad my mom is feeling better.
I love Dave, although that is everyday.
I am just grateful for Adrianna and all her wisdom.

A Nice Weekend

Got all my work done. The girls went home Sat. morning. Then we had a nice dinner with Pat at Red Lobster. Still had the gift card from xmas that he gave us to use. So we did. It was endless shrimp. Audrie behaved herself pretty well even if she turned her nose up at shrimp and crab.
Enjoyed a nice nap today and am now waiting for Audrie to get up from hers. I like these quiet nice drama-free weekends. I also like ones where I get all the work done early and can veg a bit. Watched "The Other Boleyn Girl" finally and enjoyed it.

Kylee

We welcome Kylee into the world. She was born on Mike's birthday. Weighed in at 8 pounds and is 20 inches long. My best friend became a grandma again. I'm still trying to wrap my head around Jeremy being all grown up and now a daddy. I still see him as the boy I met in Florida all those years ago. Anyway best wishes to the new family and healthy and happy thoughts going out.

And It Continued On

The girls came to spend the night. Elizabeth and I made pizzas. They turned out fine. Elizabeth said they were better last time. I think she likes really thick crusts. This time they were thinner although not thin. The little girls played mostly nicely and wore themselves out. So far I haven't heard a peep out of them since we put them to bed. Elizabeth got exposed to "Grimm". She said she doesn't like scarey shows, but she sat right there and watched it. A good evening.

A Great Morning

Audrie helped me do some cleaning this morning. We got the living room all whipped into shape. She loves to vacuum. We worked on the kitchen a little bit. She found it extremely amusing to lock herself in the tupperware cupboard. She fits in it and it has baby locks on it. So she crawled in and shut the door behind her. Too funny. We fed Papa some breakfast. Usually he has to make his own if he wants it. That means he doesn't eat nearly as much as he should.

The Rest of the Story

So while in Georgia Doug told us that he and Kristie had gotten married in August. Gave us a song and dance about it being for her kids and that no one knows. And how they are going to have a ceremony in California next year so the guest list will be limited. Okay. The marriage didn't surprise me at all. I expected it last May and was surprised that it didn't happen. But I'm sitting there trying to process the secret aspect. The fact that we are not important at all. How much my relationships are not what I think they are (and I'm getting tired of saying that).
So we come home and I'm still trying to process. Still not getting it. I cannot fathom it. And then I hear the rest of the story. Ah. We were not worthy because we had issues with Kristie before and even though we had worked them out we would still be too critical of the quickness of the wedding to know about it when it occurred. They did not want to hear any criticism. Okay then.
And so life goes on. For me the relationships have changed (again). We welcome Kristie into the family. And that is all that can be said about it. But at least the rest of the story makes it make a little bit of sense.

Routine

Back at it. Went to work yesterday and it felt so good. I did not realize how safe I feel there. There is honesty, respect and caring. I don't have to wonder if what I hear is the truth or someones version of what they think I should hear. That is not to say we don't have our own little dramas going on there, but they aren't harmful.
Today is Elizabeth day. We are scheduled to return to The Catalyst for her ears to be checked. Last I heard she has NOT been bothered by her ears at all. Maybe a needle is the way to go for piercings. Doesn't matter for me since I don't intend to ever get any more.
Starting to plan Thanksgiving. Dave's mom wanted us to come over there. Not going to happen. With the exception of last year, we have had Thanksgiving dinner at our house for the last 20 years. We like it that way. Dave invited his mom, but that did not include his brothers and there in lays the rub. Made her cry as she feels like she doesn't have a family (I understand the feeling). She does, just not together. Our tradition trumps guilting.

Home

We made it home safe and sound. Audrie slept on the plane coming back. Course she burned off a lot of energy at the Augusta airport with her new friend Ian. He must have been about four years-old.
It was a lovely trip although the deep end didn't go away. Just found out it was deeper than we thought. Ah. Life. Mine is never boring.
Got home and did a major grocery shopping. The cupboards were getting a little bare before we left, but there wasn't any point in shopping till we got home. That is not to say there wasn't food in the house, just not easy food. I took a little time and cleaned out the pantry and the frig before I headed to the store. I wasn't surprised when the bill at the store was $250. But we should be good now for awhile again. At least till Thanksgiving. :p
Audrie fell right back into her routines. She is really an easy girl. Got to like that.

The Zoo

We took a day and drove up to Columbia S.C. to meet our friend Kim. Audrie loved her dogs, but it wasn't reciprocated. They did tolerate her though. We drove over to the Riverbanks Zoo. Very cool zoo. It is small, but you feel closer to the animals. If a tour of school kids hadn't just passed through we would have gotten to feed the giraffes. They were already full when we passed by. That would have been cool and reminiscent of that place in Africa that Heather and I wanted to go to (before life intervened and changed our plans). '

After that we went out to Thai Lotus for lunch. Thai Lotus must be a popular name for Thai restaurants. I had some delicious pad thai.

It was really great to meet Kim in person and spend the day with her. Hopefully she will come out this way to visit her sister and we will see her again.

Today

I am grateful for the ability to breathe.

I am grateful for Audrie living with us.

I am thankful for Dave.

I am happy for my Monday morning quote from Andrea.

I am grateful for my mom.

I am grateful for my brother.

I am grateful for Facebook which lets me reconnect.

I am practicing ahimsa.

First Hike

Audrie had her first hike today. Doug took us on base with the dogs. We did a mile loop in a pine forest. She was fascinated with the cones and the sticks. She walked well over 3/4 of the way.

Incredible

I did not know how many of my relationships are superficial. I always find it amazing to learn these things. I also find it amazing how numb I can feel about it. Does make me wonder sometimes why I try so hard and have it all be for naught. It is just a reminder that it is what it is and maybe I should just be happy with the role that has been assigned to me. But I won't keep secrets and I may have to look elsewhere for respect and honesty, and leave the rest as superficial.

Audrie is Making Friends

We spent the evening with Heather and Rudy. Audrie loved them. She found a great playmate in Rudy. She tormented their cats and played a little with Raina and Dixie, the dogs. Heather looks really good and Rudy is funny. Their roommate scared me half to death as I did not know he was there. Anyone who knows me knows I am already a little jumpy anyway. Nice to meet Pablo even after that. We had dinner and a lovely visit.

The Best Hug

After a long day of traveling, the best thing is a hug. Doug and Kristie were waiting for us at the airport. They didn't get much sleep as our flight got in at 11:30 p.m. And they had to be up by 5:30 a.m. Doug showed us how to use the fancy coffee maker and where to find the garbage can. Both equally important.

I am so surprised that I am up before Dave and Audrie. And I have no idea why blogger is letting me blog this morning. Oh wait...maybe it has something to do with that iPad update I did. Makes me happy.

Audrie stayed awake almost the whole day yesterday. She fell asleep five minutes before we landed in Atlanta. The plane was early so we waited for the gate. That gave her a half an hour nap. She learned how to push Papa's buttons on a plane. She was shy with Doug and took right to Kristie.

Now on to our time away from the deep end.

Today

I am grateful for my grandchildren.
I am grateful for some clearing of the air.
I am grateful for dog snuggles on cold nights.
I am grateful for Audrie being gentle with kitties.
I am breathing and practicing ahimsa.
I am thankful for Dave.
I wish the best for Myk and Cassie and hope they can achieve it.
I am loving fall.