Little Man's New Toy

He took right to it. Found out he can "walk" in it, and bounce and it is great to chew on.

Parental Rights

So Beth, the little man's social worker, came out for her monthly visit this week. Agreed with us that the little man is quite the chunk. However, her oldest son was 19 pounds at four months and is now a string bean. So she isn't worried either.

She apologized for forgetting to call Dave when visitation doesn't happen. We already figured no call meant no visit. She said honestly she forgot about Cassie. She and the little kids haven't seen Cassie since Feb. 15 and so she got lost on the radar. It changes things. Beth said Cassie doesn't get to decide when she will make visitation and expect everyone to jump for her.

At the rate Cassie is going Beth plans on filing termination of parental rights when the little man is 9 months old. But let me back up....

Beth is going to check the criteria for adoption. If we meet the criteria she will start that process and file termination papers when he is nine months old. If we can't meet the criteria she will start us on the road to custody like we have of Audrie.

The guy from the woodwork did contact her and they have to test him, but first they have to test Cassie. Cassie has to be seen in order for that to happen. We are all hoping that the little man is Mike's. Just for the ease of it all.

This is all assuming that ALL goes according to Hoyle. It is the plan anyway.

We also talked about Cassie's "possible" pregnancy. We reiterated and she did also. She will look for a foster to adopt home that will keep contact with all of us. She is also looking for one that will take more than one of Cassie's children because she said....Cassie isn't going to stop. How is that for joy?

New Tongs

So I have been reading some blogs on raising pre-schoolers looking for ideas of things that Audrie can do to learn some new skills. Specific things that she should be learning. We have kind of been working on pouring when we do our sink work. One blog talked about pouring and then about using tongs to pick things up. So when I was at Target yesterday I got Audrie her very own set of tongs. I think she may get a kick out of it.

Fresh Breath

What a delightful evening. Picked up Mom and she, I and the little kids went to Pat's house. Got a good start on cleaning. He was right when he said it was a wreck. I think that little dog chewed up at least three stuffed animals. Then it was almost 8 so we headed over to Shari's for dinner. Yes I went out for dinner at 8 p.m. I had pie. Audrie used the whipped cream from the top of my pie to supplement her grilled cheese sandwich. Didn't really change the flavor any. The little man flirted with a whole bunch of new people. Our waitress was a trip. Then we took Mom home and came home ourselves and the little kids went to bed. They got to stay up late for them. I did the nightly routine of bottles and coffeemaker and it is now time for me to get to bed. It was a nice breath of fresh air to have a break in the routine.

Why? Seriously?

At the core of who I am is a strong sense of being a parent. I am not a perfect parent. I have learned a lot over the years. I can see some of my mistakes. I am on my third set of kids and I am not going to do a complete 180 degree turn in my style just because I made mistakes the first two sets. What I am going to do is incorporate those new skills in with the old skills that worked for me. So when I am in the kitchen doing things I have no problem with Audrie playing in the sink or at the counter. She is doing important work.

For some reason my allowing this sets Dave off. And I mean really. In a rage almost. Or at least that is the excuse. It is the disease talking to him and he is listening. And he is looking for a reason to rage. Picking a fight so he can feel justified in wanting a drink, taking a drink...I don't know which anymore. All I know is we are not in recovery. And when we are not in recovery the rage is ugly. The tone is deafening. And I do not rise to the bait and that just makes it stronger. Sometimes truth comes out in the rage. And it rocks me to my core and breaks my heart.

This week I found out that he blames me for Mike's addiction. My not setting boundaries and the way I parented fucked him up. And I am doing the same thing to Audrie. Because I let her play with bottles and get water all over from the sink.

I am not the cause of Mike's addiction. Mike is not fucked up. He is an addict not in recovery. And while I am not a perfect mom, I am a good mom. Obviously Dave feels different and what does that say about what he thinks about me. He thinks it is all right to try and belittle my core in his need for a drink. I do not think it is all right. I do not think the verbiage, the tone or the reason for the outburst to be all right.

And that is why my heart is broken. And because this ugly tirade made me think for the first time about what happens if we do not get back in recovery. But that is not up to me.

Not New

Looking through some of the pictures and I realize how bad our deck looks. That is when it kind of hits me.....our new house really isn't new anymore. It is ten years old this year. Already. Boy time has flown. I remember Elizabeth and I being up here and playing in the shell of a house. She was three years-old then. Wow.

For Today

I am enjoying the quiet of the morning.

I am missing the little man.

I am liking the new polish on my toenails.

I am happy I got my little packages ready to go.

I am sending light and love to Elizabeth and Adrianna.

I am trying to look forward, not backwards.

I am breathing.

I am practicing ahimsa and struggling with it.

I am happy that today is going to be a light day at work.

I am reading blogs about pre-school age activities.

I am ecstatic that Audrie is feeling better.

I am hoping that Joyce's surgery went well.

I am hoping that Doug's foot is healing.

I am appreciating the beauty around me.

Feeling

My heart is broken.

Kidless Evening

Nana Nita wanted the little kids again tonight. So I have cleaned a bit more off my desk. I took Maria's glass back to her and visited for awhile. I painted my toenails. A lovely shade of silver this time.

I had planned to clean the house a bit as Beth is coming tomorrow for a home visit with the little man. That didn't happen. Papa is sleeping on the couch.

Soon I am going to bed to read and sleep. I like having the option to go to bed long before 9:30, but it will feel weird not doing the nighttime ritual of bottle washing. :P

Ghost Lights

Every so often I see these lights go by. They remind me of bicycle lights, but not quite. Sometimes I wonder if I really see them. This morning was about the fourth time I have seen them and so I stepped outside to see what I could see and hear. About that time the lights turned up our road. They have done that once before and tripped me out. So there are about five of the lights and they move pretty quickly. It is dark out. The lights are attached to joggers. Wow. Glad I figured it out and what a peaceful time to jog. Except of course watching out for the cars, but there are fewer cars at 5 in the morning.

Four Month Check-up

The little man had his four month check-up this afternoon. He weighs in at 17 pounds 13 ounces and is 24.5 inches long now. Doctor is not concerned with how much he weighs, so I'm not going to be either. Poor little guy got two shots. Took it better this time than last time. He has a touch of eczema. Everything else looks good. Good heart, good lungs, and good tone. Little man showed off in front of the mirror smiling at himself and holding his head up. Doc was pleased.

Now we will see what happens at his screening for milestones next month.

New Pictures

We are growing and Minnie is watching over us always.

Spring

Audrie was asleep and the little man was happy. So I left them in the house with Papa and I went out and finished the mowing. First one of the season. Fresh cut grass smells so good. After I was done Audrie was awake. So we took all the solar lights and put them back out. Lined the driveway and the flowerbeds by the house. Now we wait until dark to find out if all the lights still work. Shoot. We'll probably have to wait for some good sunny days for those batteries to get good charges. Felt good to do a little work outside for a change.

Yeehaw

The little man slept over seven hours before he woke up for his middle of the night bottle. That would have been a good chunk of sleep for his nana if his sister wouldn't have gotten up after three and had to be put back to bed. Got to love when the feedings keep stretching out. :) Pretty soon the hard nights are behind us. And then it will be on to the next challenge in raising children. I just don't remember what that is. Oh wait....potty training Audrie. :)

Denseness

Sometimes I amaze myself at how dense I can be. Seems like it takes me quite awhile to get things. I think maybe because my brain doesn't work in ways conductive to not being dense.

So I get it now. Took me a long time, but that's okay. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it. I think it died and needs a place to rest.

And so I will get back to the most important job of taking care of the little kids. They need me and just love me because I love them and take care of them. There is nothing better.

Co-dependent

So part of my own co-dependency is the fix it mentality. I work hard on it and I don't always succeed. So awhile back I noticed that I always seemed to be rescuing people and decided to stop doing that. Stop fixing, enabling, etc. Doesn't mean I don't think about it or talk about what the person should be doing, but I'm not talking to the person about it at all. I have come to the conclusion (and I really knew it anyway) that if rescue always comes then nothing gets learned. And honestly I am tired of rescuing. So some of the people I used to rescue have some serious serious hard knocks coming and that is all right. They might learn something.

That said....I noticed this week that even in my dreams I am no longer rescuing. Just sitting back, listening, but not rescuing. That must mean I am making progress on my own co-dependency. I like it.

The Hospital

When Audrie had to go to the doctor for her allergy, she had to go to the office at Salmon Creek. That building is right next door to the hospital that the little man was born in. She was upset that the car was not parked in the parking structure and she was upset that she and Papa did not go into the hospital. She still thought they should go to the hospital when they were done with their appointment at the doctor's office. She remembers all the time she spent at the hospital with the little man. So now she thinks that is where she is to go when she is in that area. Too funny.

Seriously

Mike called tonight. Told us that Cassie is pregnant again by some guy she has been kind of staying with. His name is Mike. What is with her and that name? What is with her and getting pregnant again?

We have already told the CPS social worker that we cannot take in any more children. We are at capacity. She said that when Cassie had another baby (not if) she would look for a foster to adopt home that is willing to stay in contact with siblings and grandparents. Sounds like the best plan.

That said...who knows what the next baby might be like. She is doing a lot of drugs. Sad, sad, sad.

Oh and Mike said the guy who thinks he is the little man's dad actually slept with Cassie in Jan. That would mean he is not in any way, shape or form the little man's father.

Overnighter

Audrie and the little man are spending the night with their Nana Nita tonight. They went out for dinner with their Aunt Traci for her birthday. We got a picture developed and put it in a frame for her.

It is going to feel really weird to sleep in in the morning. Now watch....I'll be wide awake at 5 just like normal. Just won't have baby chatter to wake me up.

Gorgeous

It is just a gorgeous morning. The sky is blue and the sun is up. There is a little fog, but it just lends to the morning. The little man slept in till 6 and has just been taking in the day. Audrie was up shortly afterwards. Her grumpies went away pretty fast and she is watching "Cars" and eating Kix. It has the potential of being a good day.

Honey bear oh honey bear, what are you doing in your underwear?

I'm getting dressed for a new day, I hope it goes my way.

If it doesn't that's okay, ....

I've got sunshine in my heart, it's always there

and that makes me a sweet sweet honey bear.

Oy Again

Radio was playing all commercials on my drive home. So I flipped over to the Ipod. Well I tried. Turns out my Ipod took a walkabout. Just saddens me. Pretty soon I will not have anything left of any value to walk off. Guess that is what it is. Then I won't have to worry about anything anymore.

Peace

It snowed again last night. My car looks to have about three inches on it, but the ground only looks like one. I love waking up to it though. It is so calm and peaceful. It just seems to quiet the world. There are cars going by on the road and they are moving a little slower than normal.

The little man and I are playing footsie. We have had our bottle and our messy diaper change. Always part of our early morning routine. He is just so happy.

We are so lucky in that he is a happy baby so far. He keeps attaching those heart strings every time he smiles at us. And he smiles at us a lot. It is cute to watch him watch Audrie and then smile at her. She loves him even though she is jealous of him. Sometimes she is so gentle. He is ours no matter what happens. We are in love. It is just the best thing.

Audrie and the little man have screenings next month to see if they meet the benchmarks for their ages. Little man was a given that he was getting screened. Beth, the social worker, suggested that we get Audrie in at the same time. Naturally then we are on guard for things. We will see that the test says before we worry too much though.

Audrie's Rash

Looks like it is finally starting to subside. This morning it all looked connected. Late this afternoon it is finally fading. Her cheeks almost look normal. Whew. The Benadryl is helping more now as she is less itchy to begin with. She gets less whiney after taking her medicine also, so we know she is almost over this. Poor little girl.

Dead Cat

Well my curiousity was settled. Somewhat what I thought and somewhat not. Again sometimes when you venture into "adult" land on the internet you get more than you bargained on. So good to know and not. And it did not have the affect on my brain that I was afraid of. So that is good. I'm finding a new place to put my sex brain and not be an 18 year-old boy. Too many reiterations of no finally have hit their mark. Makes me sad, but you can only hit your head against a brick wall so many times. And won't it be nice to not have to worry about it anymore. Good to go back to where we were before Jan. because the last couple of months have kind of sucked in more ways than one.

Allergy

Turns out that Audrie is allergic to Amoxicillan. She woke up this morning with a rash from head to toe. Papa took her to the dr as he thought maybe she had measles. Nope, just an allergy. So she has a whole new batch of medication to take.

Seems like some family member is always at the doctor's office lately. Next week the little man has his four month check-up. Then Dave has his surgery. And I have an eye dr. appt. coming up. Whew. Should slow down for a bit after that. I hope.

Finally

Dave's surgery is finally scheduled. Beginning of April. A lot of rigmarole to get there. He has to have the fusion this time due to some osteopenia. That is a precursor to osteoporosis. The surgeon was afraid that the artificial disc could make the bone break if he went that way.

Dave did get everyone to come down on the price. It is amazing the differences they can charge depending on who is paying for it. Hopefully Dave will feel much better after the surgery and then takes care of himself.

Connor and I are pretty much over our cold. Audrie is better. She is now in the coughing stage. She started eating again yesterday and playing. So she is feeling better and is getting less cranky and whiney. Dave thought he got a touch of it, but feels better already. Good thing since he has to be well for the surgery.

Yup

My brain is definitely completely turned back on. I hate when I have a night where I don't sleep because my brain is just going miles a minute. Makes me so tired the next day. And it got my curiousity piqued. So now I am going to have to go search out some adult sites on the internet to see if I can understand. With little kids you can't just do that whenever you want to, so I'll have to wait until after bedtime. Oy. That could just make my brain zoom again. Or not. Depending on what I find.

PJ

PJ started today. He is Michael's son at work. He is working in my department and my job today was to start training him. Naturally it is a day where there wasn't tons to do in the beginning. But we managed to get some things done.

Sometimes when you get the child of a fellow employee it works out and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the child thinks they don't have to work too hard because they have an "in" already. Thankfully PJ is not like that. I love working with young people who want to be there and want to do a good job. I know it is a little early in the game to see how he will be in the long run, but I like him so far. He attacked every job given to him with gusto. Brought back his thoughts and perspectives on what he did. Conversed with us just the right amount. And we are talkers, so you have to talk to us.

I truly love young people with a work ethic and ones who can make themselves at home without making everyone else uncomfortable. Over the years we have had some doozies and PJ isn't one of those. Makes me happy to have him be part of our team.

Family Dinner

We had family dinner tonight in honor of Pat's birthday last week. He was busy on his birthday with friends so we chose to do dinner tonight. We had lasagna and garlic bread. Topped it off with German Chocolate cake. Delicious.

Funny how many of our family dinners consist of lasagna. Almost all of them when it isn't bbq season.

Got word that Doug broke his foot last night. Poor guy. Messed up an ankle three weeks ago in a mountain bike accident. Now the other foot. Wonder what kind of a patient he is? Bet he gets a little cranky. :P

Really?

Looked up the guy who thinks he is the little man's dad. Damn he does look like he could be if you went by looks alone. That is a scary proposition. I would not want the little man in any way, shape or form connected with the druggies that Mike and Cassie lived with for that month before Mike went to prison. They are such bad news. And while I know that the guy is not part of that family other than being the daddy to Casara's baby, it still scares me.

Really Cassie? No birth control? Where was your brain? Oh, I forgot. Drugs.

Guess we will wait and see how it plays out. It is always something though. Too quiet again so drama had to come from somewhere.

Oy

So I had a friend request and a private message on facebook from a supposed friend of Cassie's. Wanted me to call her. So I did. Turns out she was fishing for information for her uncle. Seems he thinks he is the little man's dad and wants a paternity test. They did the math and since Cassie was living with him in Jan it had to be his baby. Okay then. My suggestion to her was to tell him to go to CPS and talk to them. First...little man was conceived at the end of Feb. Second...it is all in CPS's hands, not mine. She wanted me to talk to him. No can do. I won't talk to anyone until CPS tells me I have to because they have a definitive answer as to who the daddy is.

She then proceeded to tell me who he is. Oh joy. Tried to tell me how he doesn't do any drugs. First I figure that anyone hanging with Cassie does drugs. Second I don't care. If he turns out to be the daddy he will have to jump through all the same hoops Cassie does. That involves UAs to prove no drug use. Second I still think he is just counting his chickens before they are hatched.

Maybe I should be grateful that here is a man willing to step up for parenting. I'm surprised since he already has three other kids with three different women. I'm surprised he would want to pay child support for another kid. Or maybe it is to get more support from dshs. I know that sounds bad of me, but that is what the family does of the one child of his that I know. I'm not impressed.

Treasures

Audrie brought me my ceramic cat the other day. She had found it on my dresser. Even though I had cleaned off my dresser recently I hadn't really paid attention to the cat. It is one of my treasures. It is painted and red. I got it on our cruise to Mexico in 1994. I can't tell you now which port I got it in, but I do remember that it came from the cruise. I love cats and that is what prompted me to buy it. It is interesting and that is another thing that prompted me to buy it. I don't collect cats. Although I could see myself as a cat lady when I am old. :P

Seems the only thing I collect is dragonflies and I NEVER set out to do that. I must have made a comment to Maria one time about liking dragonflies and that started the dragonfly presents. The majority of my collection came from her. But I do continue on with it. And some of them are now my treasures.

Audrie gave me back the cat and it went back on my dresser. Maybe it is time to find it a new home so I notice it once in awhile. Afterall it is a treasure and it is a good memory.

Photobucket

Seems that the photos on photobucket that we are allowed to use kind of expire. If they are part of a free account they get removed when they have been viewed enough times. So I lost one of my pictures. That sent me in search of a new one. And I have got to say that that does not help me in my quest to keep my brain turned off. Naturally some of the ones that I really really like are not quite appropriate for this blog. :P Looking for suggestive, not pornographic and not particular people.

And maybe I like my new picture even better than my old one. Hmmmm.

Spring is at Hand

All of a sudden I come around the corner and the pink trees are in bloom near the college. Spring is at hand. I love when those trees bloom. I noticed daffodils in the stores. Our crocuses have bloomed. I am ready for the season change, the weather change, and the change in the line-up. Technically spring springs next week, but I think it is here.

Audrie is on the mend, but the cold has struck now. Makes her a little whiney. At least she is getting better. She is funny. She fought taking the liquid pain reliever. Then she fought taking the pills. Then she fought the new prescriptions because they were liquid. She fought Papa putting vaseline on her lips for the chapping. Then today she takes the liquid like a trooper and wants Papa to put the vaseline on. Maybe it is just a sign of getting better.

Had lunch with my Friday friends today. We are good. Mona is springing into a new old romance maybe. Fred is looking for a second home in Arizona, maybe. Barb is looking forward to spring break and her daughter being home, for sure. And I'm taking it one day at a time. Loving the little kids and Dave. Ready to play outside.

For Today

I am thankful for antibiotics.

I am appreciating all the good health we have.

I am sending light and love to Elizabeth and Adrianna.

I am amazed at the concern people can feel.

I am light in spirit today as I have let stuff go.

I am honoring those who honor me.

I am sending good thoughts to Kim, Heather, David, and Treva.

I am so thankful for Nana Nita and her always being willing to help.

I am happy that I still have two more weeks that I don't have to fret about my child.

I am grateful for the contact with Doug and Kristie.

I am hoping that Joyce gets over her broken heart, but know that she may not.

I am practicing ahimsa.

I am breathing.

I will contact my siblings today and keep connected.

I am basking in the love of my two wonderful little people who live with me.

On the Mend

The little man and I are just about over our colds. Audrie's antibiotics are working and she is feeling much better. We are definitely on the mend.

Naturally Dave feels a little tickle in his ear and a little congested. Did I call it or what?

Cop Call

Dave got a call today from the cop shop. Seems that an officer is investigating Tanya and her boyfriend for CPS. The cop had talked with Elizabeth and had a conversation with Tanya and her boyfriend. He, of course, didn't say what was said, but whatever it was led him to be very concerned. Everyone is concerned. Again there is nothing that can be done until someone gets hurt. Supposedly an investigator from CPS will be calling. I think this puts Tanya on notice that people are watching her. I hope so anyway. Maybe she thinks that it proves her right.

What I found interesting is when Dave called CPS he was basically told that there was nothing they could do. Makes us wonder if someone else hasn't call and added to what Dave said. Guess we'll never know what and how things transpire.

Ear Infection

Yup, the little girl has an ear infection. Her first one. Probably a byproduct of our cold. It did make my ears a little stuffy. So it isn't surprising that hers were too. So now we have the fun job of giving her amoxicillan in a liquid twice a day. She also has liquid ibuprofen because she seemed to be having an allergic reaction to acetaminophen. And she has benadryl for the allergic reaction. Yes it too is a liquid.

Tomorrow should be a better day for her. Although she wasn't bad today. Just clingy.

The Joy of Sick Children

Audrie is now also sick. She seems to have it the worst. The little man and I just stop with coughing and a little congestion. She seems to maybe have an ear ache (hope not) and a fever. She may need to go to the dr. if it doesn't seem better today. We had a rough night. She won't take the pills now for the fever. That worked once after she started refusing the liquid. The only saving grace is that by the time Papa gets it the rest of us should be over it. :P

Amazing

I find it amazing how great love of grandchildren can bring people who had great animosity towards each other together. Joyce, Dave's ex-wife, and I had a very frank open conversation about grandchildren, present day drama, and past issues. We have very different memories. Both of us agreed that we have grown up a lot since those days almost 30 years ago. We may have discovered some things about each other also. That animosity that seems to just be in blended families gets in the way of clear sight.

As I have aged I have realized that we all do the best that we can do. No parent is perfect. Everyone parents differently. Hindsight makes me wish we could have had a better understanding of that all those years ago and maybe we wouldn't have had the drama that we had. And we wouldn't have been able to be played the way that we were. Animosity makes a great place for a child to manipulate.

I'm pretty sure that one of her children is not going to be happy in the present day that we have now put all those differences aside. But this was never about her. It started out as love and concern for grandchildren and ended in a place of understanding and we won't ever be played again.

I can honestly say I NEVER thought I would ever see the day when I would spend that many hours talking with Joyce and actually talking. No guard. Just truth. Just patience. We have different roles in our grandchildren's lives and that is great. We see a lot of the same things. Turns out we always have. Amazing.

Audrie

Audrie's new big girl bed means that when she wakes up she can just get up. It also means she can do that in the middle of the night to say she wants more milk.

This morning we were talking and naturally that woke her up. She came out, asked me where Papa was and then headed to the garage. Stopped and came back and gave the little man a kiss. Then she continued off to the garage for Papa lovin's. Sometimes she can be so sweet.

Still Processing

Sometimes I am amazed at being asked what is wrong. When a bombshell gets dropped don't expect it to just go away that moment. Sometimes it can take me a long time to process. I haven't had the luxury of knowing about the bomb since its inception. I am usually very good at stuffing emotions, but I'm trying not to. I'm trying not to internalize everything and actually feel things. I have questions. I don't have answers. Time is going to be the tell how it all plays out.

Ending

Well the weekend is drawing to a close. Audrie stayed in her bed all night. She took her nap with no complaints and stayed in the bed. It has to be the routine we established for her. I like it. Maybe tomorrow we will get rid of the porta-crib and that will free up some room in her room.

We managed to find some outside time today. The rain stopped. Audrie got all muddy. Good thing it is bath night. :P

Poor little man has caught my cold. He sounds so pitiful when he coughs. At least it isn't an extremely congested cold. It is really hard when they can't breathe. Actually he isn't too cranky for being sick. He would feel better if his sister would let him sleep. But it never fails, soon after he falls asleep she wakes him up. She likes to do that so she can give him the binky.

Really? Seriously?

Joyce called and left voice mail. Seems someone slashed all four of her tires last night while she was at work. What would the odds be that it was just some random act of violence and not Tanya and her boyfriend? How very mature.

Joyce and Dave had went to Elizabeth's school on Friday to tell them of their concerns. Elizabeth got called into the office. Dave hadn't been home very long before Tanya started calling in a tirade and was told not to call anymore. I have no idea what her reaction at the time was to Joyce, but I think we know what it is now.

As an aside, the school is going to monitor Elizabeth a bit and watch for stress. That is about all they can do for now also. But it puts them in the loop, as was the suggestion of CPS.

For Today

I am sending light and love to Adrianna and Elizabeth.

I am practicing ahimsa.

I am breathing.

I am ecstatic that Audrie is sleeping in her big girl bed.

I am grateful that the little man is stretching out his feedings at night.

I am thankful for a full pantry.

I am loving my family.

I am keeping in touch with those important to me.

I am appreciative of every day my mom is still my mom.

I am being mindful to not do harm to my addicts, even if it means keeping distances.

I am amused at how the addicts work sometimes.

I am working on my own recovery of being co-dependent and not enabling even when it pisses my addicts off.

I am supportive of Dave in his recovery and happy he is working it.

I am in awe of my cat who today decided it was a good day to bite my head again. She hasn't for awhile.

The Big Girl Bed

Audrie finally figured out how to get out of her porta-crib. So we knew it was time for the big girl bed. The bed wasn't ready for her though. We needed to get a mattress cover. Every place I looked just didn't have what I needed. I could find very cheap ones in the right size for the bed, but not the thickness of the mattress. Finally broke down and bought an expensive one. While we have been in the transition time we have been amazed that when she goes down for nap or bed she doesn't get out. She only comes out after she has slept. Must be the routine.

So today we put her bed all together. Papa took her to bed and tucked her in. And she did not come out even with no obstacle in her way. I've probably jinxed it now by talking about it, but for today I am happy. Audrie now sleeps in a big girl bed. :)

The Rain Returned

Woke up this morning to rain. We had such a glorious week last week. Got outside quite a bit with the little kids and it was great. I think it is good for Audrie to expend some of that energy she has as a two year-old. Now that the rain is back we'll have to find some good indoor activities again.

Yesterday I had contact with both of our sons. Seems like we have been talking an awful lot lately. Doug told me all the birthday plans he had for Kristie. Mike realized that he is lonely. Talked about treatment. Actions....not words. He asked me to remove the block on my phone and I'm thinking about it. I can always put it back on if he abuses the privilege.

It is another quiet weekend. I am greatly appreciating my three days off. Yesterday was lunch with my friends. Mona likes to tell me that it is obvious I don't like the little man. He and I make goo goo eyes at each other. :) It is the best unconditional love there is.

HB Kristie

Today is our daughter-in-law's birthday. And naturally I am a slacker. She had to make due with birthday wishes via facebook. I knew it was coming up but hadn't entered it into my calender, so I didn't get a snail mail card or anything. So Happy Birthday Kristie. I'll do something belated.

Shoes

Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a hell of a way to live life. But it is how I live mine all the time. And it seems to never fail that as soon as I feel the tiniest bit secure or comfortable and let my guard down for an instant, it falls. I'm sure that if my stress level ever really fell I would get sick. My body would just collapse as it is just to used to a constant level of waiting and watching and ducking.

And it almost always come from the unexpected place. Mike is in jail and safe. No drama there. Tanya is barred from my world so no drama there. Doug is quiet, so no drama there. It was a good day. And then Misty called and talked to Dave. That in turn led to a conversation with me. Gives me a bombshell (ah, yeah) and then says how he will be better when there is no more shit happening. My reply is there is always shit happening. There always is. He just wants to be left alone to wallow in the misery. Blogs about it after he tells me it is all just between us. Yeah right. Kind of made a veiled threat of impending doom. Listed all the negatives in his life except the one I cause.

None of this is my fault and I refuse to accept any of the blame. I suffered through a lot of the same shit he did. And I'm pretty sure my accident trumps his UI problems. I told him to work his recovery. And that is the thing, it is his recovery. It's his ball game. To me looking for another place to live so the little man doesn't get taken away is an excuse to drink. Get it together. Because I sure don't see how I would be better off without him. I just want him sober and functioning. And I don't mean functioning in that way....I have given up on that for now. I don't like having my desires used as an excuse to drink. I mean functioning as in keeping it together and living a good life.

So again it is always fucking something.

My Resolve

I need to keep reminding myself that I have much more important things to worry about than all the drama thrown our way of late. I have two little kids here that need my attention. There isn't anything I can do about the other grandchildren. Until they are hurt....there is nothing more to be done. So I am resolving to not get dragged into this anymore. It isn't about me or to me. Life is too short to worry about things I can't control.

And the Trend Continues

The weather is just holding. Beautiful again today and warmer. Weather is predicted for even warmer tomorrow. Really cold nights though. Audrie and I went out and played in the yard. She found her big ball and kicked it around. She discovered the law of gravity which made the ball roll downhill. She spent a lot of time chasing after it and bringing it back up the hill. One of the cats let Audrie pet her and carry her around. That put us in the flowerbed that has been neglected for a few years. We found primroses blooming amongst the weeds and dead grass.

There is a nice pot of vegetable beef barley soup on the stove and crescent rolls just came out of the over. Time for some nice supper and a little vegging in front of the TV time.

Outside Again

Yesterday was just a really nice day. So we packed up the little kids and went to town. We strolled around and looked at abandoned houses. That was reminiscent of when we were looking for a house to buy for Jodi to rent. Found a couple of really nice ones. After we were done strolling we stopped at the park and let Audrie play on the playground.

My plan was to get some good exercise and fresh air in her. We did that. So she was much mellower in the evening. Lately she seems really amped up after dinner. I think she may be overtired or just not tired enough. Worked last night anyway.

Still busy at work, but starting to get caught up. We counted 26 pallets the previous two weeks. So I guess that makes 28 to date for spring rush as two more came in Monday. There were still two on the floor when I left yesterday, but they are both really easy ones. Should get those ripped out today. Then to work on the shrink wrap pile. It is huge.

Touched base with our oldest son again briefly. He is such a busy guy, but he finds time to answer quick texts on his phone. Woke up this morning to email from him which is always a pleasant surprise. Our youngest son is quiet, although I do keep having missed calls on the cell phone. For some reason he doesn't believe me when I say I have it on silent always. Never hear the calls as no one calls except him when he is in jail.

LMAO

Joyce clued us in as to what Tanya's big problem with Connor is. Seems she is so jealous because we took on Audrie and Connor and we did not take on the babies she chose to give up for adoption. She has rewritten history. She forgets that she made those choices and never asked our opinion. We did not even know about the second baby till two months after she was born and given away. At least now we know why she hates Connor so much. It is because she hates herself so much for the choices she made and finds it much more palatable to blame us for the choices we made. These are two completely different sets of circumstances. LMAO.

Outside Play

Off Kilter

The boy threw me off today. He slept for six hours before I woke up and realized that he was still sleeping. Got up to check on him and then decided to go ahead and feed him so he wouldn't wake me up shortly instead. Then he slept in till 6 a.m. So we didn't have our hour of bonding time this morning. I got him all fixed up and then had to get ready for work. It just made my whole day off kilter. I like that he is stretching out his time further though. What a little man.

The Quiet and Calm After the Storm

The weekend has been so nice. No phone calls. No noise. No drama. Other than the latest from Joyce it is all good. We all know how it is going to end for Tanya, but she is making that choice. She has been told on multiple occasions by many people to seek therapy or she would keep making these choices. She chose not to do that and continue on her road. Too bad she has to take her children down it. But she is pretty self-centered. Doesn't seem to care how scared her kids are. And we have no control over it. And so we say about that whole situation...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Random Thoughts

I love how independent Audrie is becoming. I love how she can dress herself, get her own shoes on, and buckle herself in her carseat. She tries really hard to do her own diaper.

I wonder if Doug feels old. This mountain bike accident really took a toll and is taking him awhile to heal up. The older we get the longer that takes. I know I was about his age when I started feeling older in body. I've always been old in mind.

My friends and I were comparing notes and we like it when our kids are in jail. And that sounds so wrong, but for us it is true. We don't have to worry about that phone call that is coming telling us about an overdose, bad accident, or death in a ditch.

Dave and I decided we are still going to do a small garden this year. We remember when Audrie was the little man's age and how much we couldn't get done. I'll take a lot of weeds just to have some fresh corn and tomatoes.

It has been such a fantastic weekend. Got all my work done, watched a movie, played with the little kids, had no drama, and had great company. Very restful. Got to like that.

The week ahead doesn't look too busy. That will be nice. We must be settling in to a nice routine for the meantime. Maybe we'll shop for that television. :P

Must Be Good

So Joyce has now been told to stay out of Tanya's life. Just because she was worried about her grandchildren. Just like us. That winning man must be one super duper fantastic fuck. He sent messages to Doug telling him to stay out of all this. That riled Doug who fired back that he won't be told to stay out of his brother or his sister's lives. Tanya is so stupid. I just wish she would quit proving it. She now has no support system left because she cut everyone off. Even her best friends who she thought were great. The girls are scared and Tanya doesn't care. She is only looking out for herself. Very sad. And unfortunately there is nothing more we can do. There is nothing more Joyce can do. Really? OMFG. I kind of wish he would hurry up and tromp on her so he can be gone. Maybe that is next week, now that he has her totally isolated.

Fabulous Friday

What a great Friday. The little man and I had lunch with the ladies. He mostly slept, but then wooed them when he awoke and gave lots of toothless smiles.

Mom took us out for dinner. Audrie behaved pretty well. At least she didn't dine with anyone else tonight like she is prone to do on occasion. We've been planning this for awhile and it finally worked out. We had Mexican at our favorite local place, El Rancho Viejo.

After having the last two Fridays taken up with classes it was nice to have a day off with nothing that had to be done.

Talked with both of our sons today. One on the phone and the other via email and text. Mike of course wanted money. He didn't get it. Holding strong on that. He is back in jail for at least 60 days for a warrant. That was a choice he made. Doug is healing from his biking accident of a week ago.

It really was just a lovely non-stressful day.

Today

I am enjoying the pink showing on my flowering plum tree.

I am enjoying the peace that is this time of the morning.

I am playing footsie with the little man.

I am looking forward to lunch with my friends and boy do we have a lot to talk about.

I am contemplating a new TV.

I am basking in Dave's affections.

I feel better.

I am breathing.

I am practicing ahimsa and that includes calling the cops on my kid.

I am sending light and love to Elizabeth and Adrianna.

I am praying for recovery for all the addicts in my family.

I am powerless to make that happen.

I am lucky to be taking care of the best little kids.

I intend to clean house today and go through one more box.

I am living this moment.

Can't Condone

So Joyce called. She wanted Dave to call the cops because Tanya had come into her place of employment and had obviously been drinking. That translated into her boyfriend drinking also and then driving. Our child and his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend were with them and obviously high. She commented that it needed to be taken care of tonight and said our child was hitting his girlfriend. She wanted us to make sure the girls were safe after the other time when Tanya and her boyfriend came home drunk. So Dave called the girls and asked if they wanted to come here. Elizabeth said no and that her mom only drinks Pepsi at the bar. Yeah Right. I tried to call Cassie for almost half an hour and got no answer. Finally Tanya answered her phone and that seemed very strange to me. So I called 911 and explained as best I could. Cops went to Tanya's house. Mike and Cassie both denied any abuse going on. I'm sure Tanya backed them as that is what she told me when she called wanting to know what she did wrong in helping her brother that made us try and take her kids away. We weren't trying to take her kids away, but we were concerned for their safety. Too bad she isn't. So the cops couldn't do anything about the domestic violence, but Mike had a felony warrant and they took him on that. So in the end he isn't beating up on Cassie and he is back where he is safe. Safe from drugs and safe from Tanya and her boyfriend.

Two side notes. The 911 operator said they were well acquainted with Tanya's boyfriend (and that is scary). And Cassie told me later that Mike had her phone and that is why Tanya answered it. Yeah right.

I knew that it had been quiet for too long. Maybe now we will have another couple of weeks of quiet.

Discogram

Dave had his discogram this afternoon. Steroids didn't help his back so the surgeon suggested another disc replacement. The problem came when the x-ray and the ct scan didn't agree as to which one needed replacing. So he wanted a discogram done. My understanding of that is something is injected into the discs and then they determine which one it is by the pain level. After some discussion about costs the discogram was scheduled. So Dave needs the 4/5 done this time. He'll meet with the surgeon again next week and then the surgery will be scheduled. I'm sure he will feel a lot better when it is fixed. At least the end is finally in sight.

Dave says his throat muscles are sore now. Not surprising.