Why? Seriously?

At the core of who I am is a strong sense of being a parent. I am not a perfect parent. I have learned a lot over the years. I can see some of my mistakes. I am on my third set of kids and I am not going to do a complete 180 degree turn in my style just because I made mistakes the first two sets. What I am going to do is incorporate those new skills in with the old skills that worked for me. So when I am in the kitchen doing things I have no problem with Audrie playing in the sink or at the counter. She is doing important work.

For some reason my allowing this sets Dave off. And I mean really. In a rage almost. Or at least that is the excuse. It is the disease talking to him and he is listening. And he is looking for a reason to rage. Picking a fight so he can feel justified in wanting a drink, taking a drink...I don't know which anymore. All I know is we are not in recovery. And when we are not in recovery the rage is ugly. The tone is deafening. And I do not rise to the bait and that just makes it stronger. Sometimes truth comes out in the rage. And it rocks me to my core and breaks my heart.

This week I found out that he blames me for Mike's addiction. My not setting boundaries and the way I parented fucked him up. And I am doing the same thing to Audrie. Because I let her play with bottles and get water all over from the sink.

I am not the cause of Mike's addiction. Mike is not fucked up. He is an addict not in recovery. And while I am not a perfect mom, I am a good mom. Obviously Dave feels different and what does that say about what he thinks about me. He thinks it is all right to try and belittle my core in his need for a drink. I do not think it is all right. I do not think the verbiage, the tone or the reason for the outburst to be all right.

And that is why my heart is broken. And because this ugly tirade made me think for the first time about what happens if we do not get back in recovery. But that is not up to me.