Shoes

Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a hell of a way to live life. But it is how I live mine all the time. And it seems to never fail that as soon as I feel the tiniest bit secure or comfortable and let my guard down for an instant, it falls. I'm sure that if my stress level ever really fell I would get sick. My body would just collapse as it is just to used to a constant level of waiting and watching and ducking.

And it almost always come from the unexpected place. Mike is in jail and safe. No drama there. Tanya is barred from my world so no drama there. Doug is quiet, so no drama there. It was a good day. And then Misty called and talked to Dave. That in turn led to a conversation with me. Gives me a bombshell (ah, yeah) and then says how he will be better when there is no more shit happening. My reply is there is always shit happening. There always is. He just wants to be left alone to wallow in the misery. Blogs about it after he tells me it is all just between us. Yeah right. Kind of made a veiled threat of impending doom. Listed all the negatives in his life except the one I cause.

None of this is my fault and I refuse to accept any of the blame. I suffered through a lot of the same shit he did. And I'm pretty sure my accident trumps his UI problems. I told him to work his recovery. And that is the thing, it is his recovery. It's his ball game. To me looking for another place to live so the little man doesn't get taken away is an excuse to drink. Get it together. Because I sure don't see how I would be better off without him. I just want him sober and functioning. And I don't mean functioning in that way....I have given up on that for now. I don't like having my desires used as an excuse to drink. I mean functioning as in keeping it together and living a good life.

So again it is always fucking something.