Eight Thousand Steps

It is 8000 steps to get all the way around Lake Sacajawea in Longview.  Mike, the littles and I went up again and collected Greg.  Greg and I walked the lake while Mike and the littles played.  I heard tell someone shared some bread with them and they got to feed the ducks.  The littles thought that was a great thing.
Afterwards we went and had a late lunch at Nips.  It was a nice burger at a reasonable price.
Greg and I have plans for a couple of other walks in the near future.  Doing different things keeps it from getting too boring.  And Greg noticed that my game has stepped up.  We did the walk quicker this week.

Furniture

When we moved into this apartment we came with two bookcases, four dressers, a cedar chest and a crib.  We got a bed from Pat and a bed from Grammy.  My friend Michael gifted us a couch and a chair.  Bought a table and chairs, computer desk and an end table off craigslist and a small tv stand from goodwill.  And we were set.
In the two years we have been here.....Connor outgrew the crib.  So Papa made both kids new beds.  Connor's dresser was one with a changing table and need replacing.  Papa refinished a dresser for him.  Papa refinished an end table for me for Mother's Day.  And I replaced the hard hard hard bed I got from Pat.  And we are still set.
I should have went with a king size bed.  I didn't know I was having a family bed.  Ah.  And then the cedar chest got broke.  Imagine that.  Broke.  It is still taking up space though because it is full of treasures.  The computer desk is quite functional but I wish it was a little bigger.  Just things I have learned with time.
I watch people moving in and out and how much furniture they have.  I am amazed.  I know I'm somewhat of a minimalist, but I don't want a lot of stuff to move when we finally move.  This is just transitional housing.  While we have made it home for now, it is not home forever.  It is an apartment.

I was talking with Greg.  He asked if I was ready to get out of here yet.  I still like it here.  It still meets all our needs.  I still love the dead end and the playground.  But there are days I wish for a yard.  There are days I wish for my cat and Audrie's cat.  There are days I wish for the privacy that a house provides.  I'm patient.  I know we will have that someday.  And in the meantime maybe I will play in Mom's yard now that she doesn't have a landscaper.  ;P  I know we are planting a Papa tree soon.

Grief

No one gets to determine how it works, feels, or how long it lasts for anyone else.  This is what I know for me.  This is the deepest loss I have ever felt.  This is the numbest I have felt and at times the pain breaks through.  I have not cried.  My mom insists that I will.  I know that I won't.  I know it would be healthier to do so and to teach the littles  how to do that.  But again that was Dave's job.  I expect to feel this loss for the rest of my life.  I expect to miss him that long.
Emotions are hard.  And so when the anger and pain break through sometimes I have to be proactive and do something.  I have to get back to a safe place.  Dave understood this about me.  I am self resilient and I self preserve really well.
So when the shock wore off that Dave's facebook page was gone I did what I do.  I fumed for about half an hour and then followed Treva's advice.  Looked around and discovered how to do it.  And I created my own facebook page for Dave.  No one gets to determine whether I utilize that space for my own grief work.  No one gets to take away the memories that the rest of us share.  And I got a lot of positive response so I know I made the right decision for me and others.
And it was hard.  Still is.  I had to find pictures to put on the page and I had to delve into my brain.  I looked at a lot of pictures and watched a lot of videos.  The first video was the hardest.  Hearing his voice talking.  Mike agreed with me that it was hard emotionally to hear it.
And I continue on dealing with the grief.   A little here and a little there.  No one will ever love me like Dave did.  No one will ever understand me like he did.  No one will ever hurt me like he did and heal like we did.  And the only people who are going to understand are other people who have also lost their spouse or long term significant other.  It's not the same as losing a parent.  It leaves a hole in your heart that you don't want to fill.  I am so thankful for the 31 years I had him in my life and I know he felt that he too was blessed with our relationship.
Light and Love Dave.

My LIttle Boy

Needed to get Connor's pajamas out of his drawer.  Mike had already went to bed.  Went in and Mike was using Audrie's night light.  The one that puts the moon and stars on the ceiling.  Ah, my little boy.

Little Bits

Audrie has decided that she wants to be a nurse when she grows up or a vet.  And the reason is so she can give shots.  Does that mean she is going to be a mean girl?
Every morning they have to go to care house one or the other complains.  Don't want to go.  Want to stay with Nana.  And of course they are always told they are going and that I didn't ask their opinion on it.  So Audrie says it this morning. I say it this morning.  Then she pops up with I pick her up too soon from care house and that she can't finish her pictures.  So she needs 31 minutes today so she can do that.  Okay then.  Picked her up about 20 minutes later than I have been and it looks like she finished her pictures.  At least she could tell me the story about them.
Belinda didn't want to up the game with me.  I think she finds the 10000 fine for her.  Yesterday I actually got 17000 steps in seven miles.  Don't expect to get that today.  ;P

Up the Game

I lose track of time, but I believe I've been doing 12000 steps for almost three weeks.  Since I have started I have made my goal every day except for the day I drove to Wenatchee and back.  And even then I had enough steps that it all averaged out to be right.
When I started 10000 seemed like so many.  But Belinda was right.  A real walk makes a lot of difference.  Having the littles though sometimes preempts a real walk.  So I do laps around the complex.  Rather boring, but it works.
Then it started getting easier.  Parking a  little further away.  I get 1000 steps at work just by where I park.  And so it goes.
This week I have gotten a real walk in every day and I noticed that I am getting quicker and working harder.  It just happened.  All I was doing was trying to get my two miles in.
I think it is time to up the game and make the goal 13000 steps a day.  Adding in another 1000 isn't going to break the time bank yet.  I can see that eventually you run out of time, but I'm not there yet.  And I have a goal. I want to do some more active things this summer with the littles and to do so I have to have part of their stamina.

Done

I'm nothing if not self resilient.  Decided I didn't like it so I changed it.  At Treva's suggestion I looked about facebook and discovered I could make my own memory page.  And then I did.  Looked through a lot of pictures to post there.  Got a lot of positive response.
Made me tired though.  Must be emotional.  The first video I watched was the hardest hearing him talk.  Not just his name like on his voicemail.  Actual talking.
Almost three months and I still miss him a lot.  Doesn't matter that we have adjusted to life without him.

Changes

We have been with Mike for six days and something has changed.  Him.  Us.  He has been being a parent and being responsible.  Cleaning up without being asked.  Doing everything he is asked to do, like helping me hang some pictures.  He hasn't been antsy and jumpy.
He had a UA today and was able to do it here in Clark County.  That is a relief.  And it was clean.  That is a relief also.  He said it is the first clean one in years.
I don't know why.  Could be he was ready.  Could be Dave's death shook something for him.  Could be our new attitude here.  Could be a combination of all things.  Either way one day at a time and we will take what we get.

Belinda's Wedding

My friend Belinda is getting married this summer.  We were working away and I asked her if we (meaning us at work) were going to be invited.  Her face totally took on a look of shock.  So we all backpedalled and said it was fine.  Some people have small weddings and what not.
As we left I told her that I did not mean to put her on the spot.  She then asked if I would come to the wedding.  Well duh.  I wouldn't ask if I didn't intend to go if invited.  So she got all excited.  Said she didn't think anyone would want to come.  Now she is bringing us invitations.  I just told her she was too shy and of course people like to go to weddings.  It is a sign of hope and love.
I have a few months to get a babysitter.

So Sad

I almost hate to admit it, but every day I go to Dave's fb page and just look at it.  Just like every day I call his cell phone just to hear it go to voice mail and hear Dave say "Dave Linn." I guess Doug has decided that no one needs to look at the fb page anymore as he deactivated the account.  He must be over his grief and thinks no one else should feel it anymore either.
That on top of him telling Mike that everything from the estate will be sold because it means more money for the children.  Yeah right.  It has almost been three months and not once has Doug asked how the children are even doing. So there is no way he is concerned about the children.
I just love these continuous slaps in the face.  Makes it very hard to just roll with it.

Beef Noodles

Mike and I decided it was time for some beef noodles.  I think it is both of our favorite meal.  You couldn't tell that about me as often as I make it.  I have not made it once since I have lived in the apartment.  We were overdue for sure.
It has been an absolute pleasure having Mike around.  I have gotten some stuff done. I have gotten some breaks....got to go out for dinner with David, out for lunch with the ladies and Fred, got my bell hung at Mom's (and it has only been waiting for two years to be done), got to walk by myself besides around the building.  I can feel that the stress level has gone down.
And the littles have loved having Daddy around even if he is disciplining them.  He has taken them to Hidden Glen a couple of times to swing.  He has snuggled with them several times on the couch to watch TV.  Simple easy things, but ones that make a huge difference in their lives.  They crave that male companionship that they have been missing the last three months.

Oy

It turns out that ff miles do not disappear with death.  The account is not closed as the website says.  So therefore we are back to again.....those miles better be accounted for in the estate.  Stupid rollercoaster.  

Mike found out that Doug does have the ashes and hasn't done anything with them yet.  That didn't surprise me.  Mike was happy that this way he can be included in things and not have to do his own thing later down the road.  And he will get to be in on the requesting A sentimental item.  

And now back to my rolling with it.  The rollercoaster isn't any fun.  Just want to get back to living life and taking care of the important stuff.

That said I talked to Mike about what I want my will to say.  It really is time to get it done.  I seriously can't remember what my current one says.  And since I'm not getting it back it is time to make it null and void.  Mike was fine with everything I told him.  He didn't even squawk at Cassie being included.  I just want both parents to not feel the need to use the littles share for their own.  

And of course if Mike ever has any other children I will have to rethink the whole thing.....but I won't have the relationship with any others that I have with these two.  

At the Lake Again

Greg said he didn't have anything going on so we made a plan for another walk at the lake.  Since Mike was with, he got to play with the kids on the playground.  Greg and I walked the whole lake.  He tells me it is three and a half miles.  I tracked 8000 steps so he is pretty close to right on.  I could tell my walking is paying off, but that I need to up my game.  By the end of the walk I had slowed down quite a bit.  Poor Greg.  He usually walks faster than my pace, but today he did my pace.
We planned for a tentative walk again next weekend if the weather holds.

A Good Day

Mike watched the littles so I could go join my Friday friends for lunch.  And it was nice.  I didn't have to worry about them at all.  And then I got a nap because he took them to Hidden Glen to swing on the swings.  The littles loved it.
Then we went to Ross to find some shoes.  Mike found a pair but we didn't find any for Audrie.  After that we went to Applebee's and celebrated Mike's birthday which we missed last year.  It's funny because it seems to be becoming a tradition.
The littles are having such a good time bonding with their daddy.  It does my heart good.  I loved finding the three of them all cuddled up on the couch watching netflix.
BTW Mike took some nice pictures while they were at Hidden Glen.

A New Tact

If you are tired of the same outcome do something different.  I have decided that things are all topsy turvy anyway so maybe it is time to mix it up.  So instead of laying down the law and making all kinds of ground rules....I would treat Mike like a grown-up.  Maybe he will act like one.  I think it shows that I think he can be responsible and do better than some of his choices in the past.  I always have hope.  I always have faith.  He may be an addict but it doesn't define him and I shouldn't treat him like it does.

Wenatchee

Drove to Wenatchee and picked up Mike.  Met his PO and had lunch at McDonald's.  The littles needed to burn off some energy and a play place seems like the perfect place to do it.  We made excellent time in both directions even with hitting some road construction up and rush hour Tacoma traffic home.
The whole trips always seems to be about memories as I pass by places.  Longview for when Aunt Cris lived there and now Greg is there.  Little Rock, Shelton and Steilacoom for all the times Audrie and I made trips there.  The turn off to Uncle Isaac and Aunt Treva's house.  Milton for when Nana Nita lived there. It passes the time as we are driving.
We also watch for trains, boats, and monster trucks.  They are the ones with the teeth in the grill to look like a big biting mouth.  Connor named them.

Oy

"Are you packed?"
"Where am I going?"
"Minnesota."
"Why?"
"The Funeral."
"Oh crap, when am I leaving?"
It doesn't get any better.  It doesn't get any easier.  I am sending all my patience with my brother as he makes this trip with Mom.

Just So

Shar died this morning.  The funeral is already planned and an obituary done.  Funny how all I've heard the last three months is how looooonnnnggg all of this estate stuff takes.  No it doesn't. Only take so long for people who are more interested in playing rather than getting the job done and being done with it.

Family Dinner on a Monday

Due to Pat needing to postpone we had family dinner tonight. Decided on filet mignons.  Pat was to cook, but he got involved on making the arrangements for him and Mom to go back to MN for Aunt Shar's funeral.  Here is the obituary from the funeral home.
So I got to cook and bbq.  And I nailed it good.  The filets were perfect as were the potatoes and the garlic bread.  I did overcook the cauliflower a bit, but it was still edible.
It was a quiet night with just the five of us this time.  Probably a good thing since all those arrangements needed to be made.

RIP Shar Detle

My aunt Shar died this morning.  She had spent many years fighting health issues.  They just seemed to keep getting piled on top of her.  And she decided she was done with the fight.  She moved to a hospice facility this last week to live the last days in comfort.
I loved my auntie Shar.  I remember her apartment from when I was little and thinking how cool that was.  We stayed at her house before travelling back home when we flew to MN.  Loved her house and sitting at her table just talking.  She had an interesting perspective on life.
She leaves behind her daughter Kelsey and her sisters, my mom and Terri and her brother Jerry.
RIP Shar.  Love and light always.

Making Progress

Pat had to bow out of family dinner today.  So we just changed it to tomorrow.  He has the day off.  He still came out and moved my chairs and slate table though.  Took a couple of my other outdoor toys along.  Connor had a great time with a wind chime.  Makes me wonder what the neighbors will think there when we live there.  We will have wind chimes. I remembered to take my paint so I can paint my whirley gig.  Pat asked if I got Rustoleum.  Of course.  My whirley gig is metal and rusting.  Now I have room on my little patio to BBQ again.  And the neighbors don't have to look at my table sitting between our doors.  I don't think they minded the table.  It was a lot better than the chair or the shopping cart.

Ohh

So what I have learned is that ff miles don't transfer upon death.  Good to know.  And then I figured out that Doug probably didn't call Delta.  He probably just had the password reset since he has access to Dave's email.  Okay. No one will be using those miles.

Treasures in Boxes

The littles were outside playing and I thought it an ideal time to try and organize my storage closet.  Ha.  I pulled all the stuff out.  And then the littles came in.  They thought it was Christmas.  All those toys that had disappeared.  And then all those toys were all over the floor.  Oy.  The good part about it was they stayed out of my boxes.  And so it was time to go through them and see what could be purged so I don't have so many excess boxes.  I managed to take a box out to the dumpster and combined a couple more.  By the time I was done I had half the storage closet empty.  Yay.
Those boxes contained nothing that we needed because if we did the stuff wouldn't have been in the boxes.  They have been in that closet for two years.  And it was kind of fun going through them.  I found my kaleidoscope which went back into a box until a time when the littles are older and less likely to break it.  I found the keys to Grandma's house and her John Deere tractor, neither of which exist anymore.  I found my old camera that I used before the one I currently use.  No charger for that battery, but I bet a charger is cheaper than a new camera.  Maybe.  I found more pictures (I have pictures everywhere) and books for the kids.  I found the moose pin that was on my dad's cowboy hat forever.  I had forgotten about it.  I have a mystery role of film.  I found stuff of Dave's,  Treasures in boxes and back in boxes to find again another day.  Just now they are more condensed and taking up less space.  Most of the toys went back in the closet also.  ;P

Valentine's Playground Jaunt

Our morning started with Valentine's Day cookies.  Then we drove up to Longview and picked up Greg.  Drove over to Lake Sacajawea and walked and played on the playground.  Greg and I caught up on each other's lives and the littles wore off some energy.  A win win for sure.  It was nice having someone to talk to while taking my steps.  Made it seem like I wasn't even taking any and yet when we were done I was half way through my goal for the day.  Got to like that.
Making memories.

Wenatchee

Looks like I am gong to Wenatchee next week.  The charges got dropped for Mike afterall.  So he has court on Thursday, but they are hoping to bump it to Wednesday.  Whichever day it is he will be released.  And he is ready to be home.  Guess now we see how it goes.  Life was getting kind of quiet.

Weekending

And so the week winds down.  I shifted from receiving to shipping. Lot of returns.  I made good progress and can tell by how tired I am.  One more day and hopefully I will have gotten them all done.
The littles had their Valentine's Day party at daycare.  Came home with lots of cards and treats.  I was quite happy when they opted to not eat all of them.  Mostly because they are picky about their treats and didn't like them.
We spent a good amount of time outside enjoying the nicer weather we have been having.  Helps the littles sleep better.  :)

Damn

When we got divorced I had told Dave that I wanted half the ff miles.  I wanted to take the kids to Hawaii.  He agreed.  No problem.  Then he checked with Delta to find out about transferring them.  And it costs a penny a mile.  It would have costed $2500 to transfer half of them to me.  So we opted to just let them stay in his account and I would use my share.  Delta had no problem taking my credit card.  We didn't have anything in writing as we were just doing it on our own.  Hindsight says we should have still had them listed in the divorce decree.
Doug changed the password so I can no longer get into Delta to use them and he had to have called Delta to do that as I am the only one who had the password.  Before Dave died he told me he wasn't going to be taking any more trips and to use his also.  Again we have no documentation.  So no Hawaii for now.  And I sure hope those miles are accounted for in the estate.

Blowing Up My Phone

Man my phone has been so busy today.  My aunt in MN isn't doing very well and was put on hospice today.  That means lots of communications via phone and texts.  Mom is trying to plan a quick trip back there with Pat.  I thought that was a fine plan.  There is no way I wanted to take the littles and her.  We did that once a couple years ago and it was enough.  Anyway it may answer the question of who is number three?  Death always comes in threes.

Amazing

One step at a time. And on and on  Feeling like it is easier, hence upping the number.  I'm now at 12000 steps a day and don't have any problems making it.  It is easier if I can get an actual walk in.  Looked up my stats and I have walked 150 miles already.  Dang.  I only started in the middle of January.
Belinda's mom has decided to join us in the challenge.  That is kind of cool.  Belinda was surprised.  I wasn't.  The fitbit part is kind of fun.  Here is to hoping that it stays fun long enough for it to become habit and do us all some good.

Barron

Met a dog named Barron tonight.  He belongs to my gutter guy.  They were over visiting the neighbor.  Barron is a German Shepherd.  Barron took an immediate liking to me.  He would cry when I walked away to make another lap around the building.  I just loved petting him.  Made me miss my dog.  Made me miss having a dog.  But not enough to move so I can have one.  I still like being able to pick up and go and not worry about a pet.  So I make good use of time I get with other people's pets.  I did offer to take Barron with me around the building, but Travis thought Barron would take me around the building. I doubt it.  Anyway I got my dog lovin' in today.

Sucky Birthday

Now to be fair, Pat celebrated with me the weekend before and gave me a sleeping bag.  Mike called the day before and we decided that he would not use his last call to call me on the day.  So they did remember.  At work I got a cake and they sang the song.  First time I have been sang to in a very long time.  Other than that I got nothing.  I really didn't expect anything from the littles as they are little and have no clue.
So it starts with Dave.  It is the first birthday without him since I was 19.  And of course that means no presents from the littles because that was his job.
We went out for dinner with Mom and she was cranky and the littles were cranky.  Made for a super enjoyable evening.  NOT.  Mom did remember that it was my birthday after I was in bed and she left a message on my machine.
Doug and Tanya again showed their colors.  I don't know why that surprised me.  Guess I was hoping that he would use it as an olive branch, but I guess not.  Just like Christmas.  His and Kristie's presents are still sitting in my closet.  Just a reminder I guess of how much smaller my family got with one death.
We had had my and Elizabeth's  birthday cake at family dinner the weekend before.  My cake, my choice.  And I wanted dark chocolate with cream cheese frosting.  And I had that.  I ate one piece and left the rest at Mom's.  Well Tanya almost acted put out because chocolate gives her a migraine.  Sorry.  She choose to eat a piece and sure enough the next day she had a migraine.  Not my fault.
And then the day after my actual birthday she remembered and texted me.  I said thanks and that is was pretty sucky.  Her response of "Awe, how come/"  just didn't really come across well.
I think the biggest part really was just missing Dave.  But it was kind of a sucky birthday.  Next year will be better.

2015

Boy time is already getting away from me.  Last year we made plans with Pat to actually camp with him at Sargent's Island. Skip ahead to this year and all kinds of things have changed.  So I realized that I have no camping equipment.  I could always borrow from Dave what I needed.  Well that isn't going to work anymore.  While I'm sure Dave would not mind.....it ain't happening.  So I need to get my own.  Pat got me a sleeping bag for my birthday and so it begins.  I found some cookware off facebook.  Audrie has a sleeping bag but Connor does not.  Oy, it is almost overwhelming.  But we will get it done.
We have plans for some bike rides this year.  Still waiting to see if the littles get their bikes from Papa's house and me too.  If so I still need to procure a bike rack so we can go do some really nice trails.  If not I will need bikes also.  Riding around the neighborhood is fine, but I want to get out further.
There are several things we have had on the books for awhile and just haven't gotten to.  The Hoyt Arboretum awaits us as does the art museum.  Adding in on those kind of things is the Chinese Garden downtown Portland.
Hiking, hiking,hiking.  I think my stepping is going to pay off in a big way here.  I already can tell that all this walking is doing good.  And there are many places yet to go hiking/walking.
We have one camping/yurting trip planned for this summer.  We really enjoyed the one we did last year.  Pat wants to go this year.  Boy we have a lot of things planned with Pat.
And Vegas.  This will be the year I get there whether Denise goes or not. I still remember last time and thinking I had done that and don't need to go again.  Well I do need to go again.  I need to go and see and do.  I need to not worry about how much my spouse is drinking while I am there.  Same thing with New Orleans, but that will be another year.  ;P
Is this the year we move?  Maybe.  Time will tell on that, but if we do we will get a kitten who last I heard would be named Tree Leaf.
Is this the year I start my book?  I think it is already started and mostly written in my head.
Busy year, but a good year in the planning. Making memories.

Tax Refund

Got it back.  I love EIC and the child credit.  Gives me a nice breathing space.  I don't depend on it but I still use it for property taxes for Jodi's house and the landlord insurance.  Every thing above that is bonus.  And this year is nice.  I will pay my car insurance and have a nice bumper for work done on the car if needed.  Worked out that way last year also.  And then I did the brainy thing of spilling oil on the alternator.  I won't be repeating that trick this year.  Hoping for another year where I do not have to dip into the IRA.  It's nice to know it is there if I need it, but as long as I don't......I want to leave it alone.  I will retire someday.

Amusements

So doing the 10,000 steps has given me a different perspective.  Having the littles means I make a lot of laps around the apartment complex to get the steps in.  I found that I had a whole bunch of new neighbors.  There are only six families left that were here when we moved in two years ago.  I know apartment living is transient, but this surprised me.
One of my new neighbors has a child who is sneaking out.  Funny how that screen is out and hiding behind one of the bushes along a fence.  And then if you walk in the day time you can see the hand prints where the window gets pushed open.  Still wondering if I should say something to her mom or not.
Another new family blocked their bedroom windows with cardboard.  That one comes across a bit strange.  I understand not wanting people to be able to see in.  But they can't see out either.  There are other neighbors who have just put a curtain up with the blind and that blocks all things pretty well and still leaves a way for looking out.
I get lost in my brain while walking.  Making lists.  Thinking about life.  Then I lose track of how many laps I have made.  Too funny.  It always works out that I get my steps in, but I find it amusing when I lose track and I only do 4 to 6 laps at a time.
I find myself talking to neighbors again.  I kind of had a period of hibernation as I usually do in the winter.  Walking means I'm out there at all times of the day.  So I say hey, hi, hello, howdy.  And then we go from there.

Back to the Museum

The first Friday of the month is free admission at the Portland Children's Museum.  The first time we went was also a first Friday and I thought it was a bit too busy.  But it has been almost a year and the littles are older.  So we went.  They had a blast. They discovered the water room this time.  And there was a circus exhibit.  So they got to try a trapeze and balance walk on a tight rope.  They only disappeared once.  I just settled myself in the front until they realized they had left me.  They didn't do it again.  Maybe a lesson was learned.

Time

Two months and Connor has finally decided he would like to dream about Papa again.  I wondered how long it was going to take.  He was pretty mad.  And I think he misses him greatly. Time eases the anger, but doesn't do much for the missing.  Looking positively....as long as he is missing he is remembering.  Cause the day will come when he won't remember anymore.

I Understand

So Michael brought me up to date on the life and drama of her family with raising her nephew.  They had high hopes that her sister was getting her act together and could maybe parent her son.  And they got a few breaks themselves.  And then they didn't.  Paul had a tough time with it.  For a moment anyway.  The few moments of having your life back and living it the way you know you can.
I have been there dang near every day.  I struggle with that missing what I should be able to do.  Sometimes at work I hear about plans for after work and think oh that would be fun.  But not for me as I have to zip back to BG and pick up the littles from day care.  I can't ever just pick up and go without figuring out all the logistics.  And that is okay.  It is what it is. I just understand what Paul went through.
And then I understand what Paul went through beyond that.  The love and adoration of a small person.  And making a choice to be there for that small person.  All the trials and tribulations of raising small people and dealing with addicted parents and yet how wonderful the attachment is. It is love and we choose it.  To not choose it would mean those little people would be in the system and probably much worse off than being raised in loving homes of family.  We choose the little people.
So kudos Michael and Paul and Patience and PJ.  You do a wonderful thing.  You do a hard thing. But it is worth it.

Mike

So I guess the wrapper tested negative for drugs.  The syringe however tested positive.  Now he waits until the end of the month to see what happens.  And that means I don't have to go to Wenatchee on Monday.  I like it the longer I can postpone it.
I really hope someday he gets it together and figures it all out.  I wish I could just believe him when he tells me that he is.  Actions, not words.

I'm In Charge

Of myself.  Liz is on vacation and I'm manning the warehouse.  The day she left early I got three pallets.  Two of those being paper.  It takes awhile to look at every notebook in 120 boxes and then price the index cards in the other 15 or so boxes.  The art pallet only took a day.
Yesterday the binder pallets came.  Just two.  They are my big project for tomorrow.  And Liz thought I was going to have a lot of time this week to get caught up on my freight logs.  Ha.

An Epiphany

Talking with Pat the other night about my estate and Dave's estate and I realized something.  I find it annoying that Doug is taking SOOOOO long to do anything on this.  Two months since Dave has died and as far as I can tell Doug hasn't done anything but go through some food and put a chain up on the driveway.  I know that our way is not the only way to do things, but I think Dave thought Doug would be more like us in getting in and getting the job done.  Again he was wrong.
But what hit me was maybe Doug can't.  Maybe he is somewhat immobilized by his feelings or his non feelings about Dave and his death.
My annoyance factor is not as high as it was at first.  I'm more into letting it go and rolling with it because it is part of the things I have no control over.  And while I may now have a better understanding of him taking his time.....I will never understand the outright disrespect he has shown me and the littles.  I know grief does a lot of things.  But this is deeper.

Family Birthday Dinner

Superbowl,  Cake, Pizza.  Family.  Birthdays.  Gun.  Rambunctiousness.  Tents and camping.

Not sure how we didn't realize it was Superbowl when we planned this dinner. Anyway the littles and I baked a cake and made pink frosting.  It was Elizabeth's birthday last week and mine this week.  So we had cake.  But first we had pizza.  Connor was sneaking all the olives off the pizzas while waiting on the oven.  Too funny.
The littles got a bit rambunctious, but were mostly good.  They enjoyed playing on Uncle Pat after things settled down a bit.
Elizabeth was told that when she turns 18 she gets one of my dad's hunting rifles.  She was happy.  She can't own it until she is 18 so she gets it then.  Glad Pat knew which one and I hope it all works out right.  We know how things can change and not go the way planned.
We started planning a bit more for our camping trips this summer.  We have a yurt camp planned and at least two camps at Sergant's Island.  Mom is probably going to get a tent.  That means I need the air mattresses.
I think Uncle Pat is stepping up.  Unless Mike gets it together Pat is the male role model for the littles.  I think that realization gave Pat a bit of a different perspective. And so we plan on some things to make memories.
We ended the night with loves for Grammy.  She asked.  He told her he didn't need any loves.  She said she did and so he replied with that is all right then and he gave her a cuddle.  So sweet sometimes.