The Jungle

The Christmas cactus will live.  New growth already.  Guess it liked getting a good drink and some sun.  Too soon to tell on Betty's plant. If it doesn't make it, I'm sure she would part with another piece of the parent plant.  It's kind of nice having plants in the house.
Thought I would include a picture of the living room right now.  Proof that at least once a day it gets picked up and vacuumed.  I should have taken a before shot, but I was too busy picking up and vacuuming.

More of the Same

So Kristie texted me telling me to bring back their hamburger grill thingy.  But they never accuse me of stealing anything. Well I don't have it.  Don't know anything about it other than yes I saw it on the front porch and thought it a weird place for it.  I knew it was a grill thing.  Just more of the same.

Green Thumb

So I am creating a jungle.  When I first moved I didn't want the plants so I left them at Dave's.  I knew that the littles would just destroy them.  Fast forward to today. All the plants have been at Dave's house pretty much untended.  I rescued the plant we got from Betty when we first moved to BG. I had to give it a major haircut so now it just has three inch stubs.  Hoping it comes back.  It has survived some abuse over the years so I am hopeful.  That plant has been around in one form or another for almost thirty years. The Christmas cactus that Maria gave me when my grandpa died (2002) looks horrible.  The thank you plant I received from the SLC plant when Dave worked way too many days down there looks extremely healthy and it is the one that should have already died from all the temperature changes.  The aloe from Betty looks better than it had in the window.  And the plant I got from Nita, for my birthday before she moved north, lives.  Now it is just a matter of time to see if the sick ones become healthy.

Playing My Own Game

Kristie had texted wanting to know if I wanted any of the food in Dave's pantry.  That led to a long texting session back and forth.  She explained to me how probate works.  And why it has to move so slow and be completely accurate for the sake of the heirs......Doug, Tanya and Mike.  It has to be fair to them.  Anyway I backed off and told her what stuff was mine.  She thanked me for being so understanding.
Well I'm not understanding at all.  I know how probate works.  I've been through it multiple times and Doug has never been through it.  And I know exactly what the will says.  Tanya gets $2500 and Doug gets 10% and Mike gets 5%.
Now I'm not worried about the value of the silverware or the couch.  An estate sale would only add about $1500 to the estate if it all sold.  So why Doug is so concerned about making an accurate inventory.......it's all control issues. And none of that stuff changes their percentage.
But I know how to play and play I will.  At the very least I will get my stuff and we will see from there.  And when it is done so am I.  I'm too old for this crap, too tired for this crap.  It really is ridiculous.  It is just more of the same and I hate to say it, but the same has been going on for a long time.  Through that whole thing the kids weren't mentioned once.  Which is funny since they are the majority heirs.  No questions about how they are doing or how their Christmas was or anything.

Excel Workshop

Well I knew more than I thought I did.  I wanted to learn more about excel because we use it at work.  And I always feel less proficient when I ask how someone else did something.  It is kind of a cool program actually.
My computer at home does not have the office program on it.  The first one not to.  I don't know why Dave didn't put it on when he built this one for me earlier this year.  It's all good though.  I was able to get a student/faculty/staff copy for cheap. Totally legal as long as I am employed at Clark.  And I did that.
So now I can play.  Liz had shown me a couple of cool things with onenote and I am really looking forward to playing with that.  Adding to my skill set.  Learning.  Moving.  Keeping the brain active.

Taking Stock, Moving Forward

The tree is down and gone.  The decorations are put away and the cards taken down.  Wrapping paper and boxes taken out to the dumpster and recycling.  Christmas is almost done.  We just have a package to finish up and get in the mail to Cassie.  Told her we would wait and mail it when she is in her new place.
Taking stock.  We had a good year and a bad year.  There was a lot of growth and a lot of healing in my relationship with Dave.  A lot of forgiveness there on both sides.  His last words to me were I love you.  My last words to him were I love you.   I felt him tug on a heart string about 2 the morning he died.  I knew he was saying good bye and expected the call.
We spent every holiday with Dave this last year except Christmas.  We had our anniversary date.  We had plans to go yurting and to Wildlife Safari.  Life threw us that curveball.
The littles grew in amazing amounts.  Connor is smart as a whip and has quite the sense of humor.  He has imagination and plays great.  Audrie is discovering her inner girl.  She is working on being a girly girl.  Loves to color and dress up.  Loves all the designer apps on the ipad for modeling and coloring.  They both love goosebumps and stinkies.  Amazing.
Mom progressed and the stress of Dave's illness and death didn't help.  But nothing ever does.  She is still home and sleeps a lot.  Doesn't cook.  Thank goodness.  We will see how that goes.

We look in good shape for my traditional lets see how long into the new year I can go before I have to spend money.  We are well stocked on cleaning supplies and tp.  The littles got a whole bunch of new supplies for their color drawer.  Crayons, pencils, construction paper and glue.  It was their need gift that they have to share. The cupboards are not bare but could always use a boost.  Hope to get that in before the new year.
Next year we are going to Wildlife Safari in January to complete that plan. We are going to do some more hiking and playing.  Soon as we get my bike from Dave's and the littles bikes we will figure out a way to start doing that.  Have to figure out what I need for a mini to be able to haul them.
Have found myself back reading at night and the littles are letting me now so next year should be a good year for reading.  About time.  I so enjoy it.
I've gotten used to not getting breaks like I did.  I think it helps that the littles are getting older and actually a little better behaved.  No one believes me on that because they act out when they are with me in the presence of other people.  And more so the last few months as we went through Dave's illness and death.  I think it is their insecurity showing and they want me to themselves.  Don't like to share me.  We may have to look into the Dougy house.  Every other thing that I read on  how to help them cope we were not allowed to do.  So we do the best we can and move it forward.
And babysitters.  Too bad I only use them for shopping, but it is what it is.  Thank goodness for them.  We love Zaysha and Elizabeth and both littles don't mind spending time with them.  And maybe it is time to institute date night and have a babysitter for that.  :p
We need to keep having our family dinners at Mom's house.  It is good for us to keep that connection as strong as we can for as long as we can.
And it is again time to broaden our horizon.  Expand our world.  It got a bit too small and it is time to change it.  Moving forward as always.

Family

I know I am no longer part of Dave's "family" which consists of his children.  Mike may disagree with that assessment, but he is part of my family.  

Christmas morning I texted Doug asking him to put my stockpot out on the porch the next time he is there.  I need it.  And I said he could put the plants out also and text me. Poor plants are probably not happy if they still live.  Anyway he did text back and said he would and had he checked his phone earlier he could have done it when he was at the house.  Oh and btw he will give me paperwork back this weekend (we'll see).

I left all Christmas greetings in the court of Dave's children.  Mike called.  Tanya remembered  her manners Christmas night and texted merry Christmas.  And to be fair she did give us a card on the solstice.  

I am amazed at the disregard for Audrie and Connor.  Started with Connor's birthday.  Doug and Kristie were there and didn't even tell the little man happy birthday.  Just ignored the kids and that is mostly how it was until they were asked to leave Dave's house.  And it hit me.  Doug is jealous of the littles in the same way Tanya is/was.  Dave's world the last five years has been about the littles.  As full time Papa and parent.  He had discovered the joy of it and he never had it with his children.  And so his children can't handle the littles having what they did not.  And that explains why Adrianna and Elizabeth get birthday gifts and Christmas presents from their uncle and these two do not.  Tanya hasn't done presents (except for this birthday Connor got a cool flashlight) for them since she abolished the family.  This year we did give Adrianna and Elizabeth gifts for Christmas.  Since we did not have specific plans we gave them to them on the solstice.  We also had presents for Doug and Kristie. Those won't be given now.  Call me vindictive, but it is what it is.  I'm not giving presents to people who didn't even acknowledge the holiday for us or how hard it might have been.  And ones who don't even ask how the littles are doing.   

Makes we almost cry for the littles.  They get the short sucky end of the stick for sure.  They don't have parents that raise them.  They lost one of the only grandparents that was raising them.  Connor has not even met Cassie's dad and Audrie met him when she was a month old.  Nita is very busy up north with the other grandchildren. The aunts and uncles up north are just far enough away to not be involved.  And the ones who are here so obviously don't want to be involved.  Sad for the littles.  

Maybe it is time to expand our world in a different direction.  

Family and Friends

Times of grief and hardship always show you truths.  Maybe truths you didn't want to see or ones maybe you ignored for the sake of harmony.  Once you see them or admit to them you can't go back.  It was like realizing Dave was an alcoholic.  That jeannie couldn't ever be put back in the bottle once it was released.
So in the time of this sorrow of losing Dave I have discovered that my best support is still my mother and my siblings.  And of course Mom is not always going to be around, but I will take what I can get for now.
I have been amazed at some of the support I got.  Heather, my daughter-in-law turned great friend calls me to check on me and the littles.  Betty checks on us and is one of the few to understand what life will be like for us.  Brenda texts all the time asking how we are doing.  I have had some great support from people far away and some near.  Kim, always willing to let me vent and explain things to me.  Tod sent me a great message after Dave died and lifted me so much.  My relatives in MN and IL always offer whatever support they can.  People at work ask daily how I am or how the littles are.
So my truth is that my family shrunk greatly with Dave's death.  And it is what it is.  But I found some great truths and can move forward with those and not worry about the rest.

Fort Snelling National Cemetery

Uncle Glen was laid to rest today at the Fort Snelling National Cemetery.  He was a great man.  Hard day for the family.  I was there in spirit.  Wish I could have been there in person, but the timing was just wrong.  I'm so glad the littles and I went out to see him last May.  Rest in peace my uncle.  I love you.

Christmas 2014

Santa came and brought both of the littles what they wanted.  She got a cat and he got a batman mask.  Colin had one and Connor must have really liked it.  So they were happy.
Then we waited for Grammy and Uncle Pat to come over for the rest of the presents.  I'm working on the premise of one want, one need, one thing to wear and one to read.  Trying not to be ostentatious in our gift giving.  There is such a thing as going overboard.  I'm not trying to go underboard....I'm just trying to keep a realistic perspective on what our lives are going to be like from here on out.
Grammy got each of them a movie and a big activity pack.  Pat brought each a toy.  And they were great with that.  They played and played.  And at this age they aren't aware of comparisons with all the cousins and neighbors.
Connor is on his third watching of our Christmas Eve movie. We had a lovely dinner.  It was a nice day and now feels like nap time.
Missing Dave.  Although we are pretty sure he was with us and laughing last night with the DVD player opening and shutting by itself.

Chinese Food and a Movie.....Christmas Eve

Picked up some Chinese food for the grown-ups and McDonald's for the littles.  We ate and then sat down to watch "How To Train Your Dragon 2".  And then we didn't.  Couldn't make it work.  The TV kept saying no signal.  Couldn't make the movie eject.  Couldn't do anything.  Finally Pat unplugged the DVD player and then it ejected and ejected and ejected.  Obviously there was a problem with the DVD player.  So Pat hooked us up with On Demand and we got to watch our movie.  Costed Mom another $6 on top of the $20 that I spent on the DVD.  Anyway we all enjoyed the movie.  The kids sat through it pretty well.
And now we are home and getting ready to go to bed so Santa can come.

Connor is Still Processing

So again Connor says he still isn't going to dream about anything.  Before I even say anything he tells me he is still mad at Papa.  And that he doesn't like Papa when he is dead.  Okay then.  He has words for what he is feeling and is able to speak them now.  So while he is still processing at least he is making his way through it.  My heart breaks for this little boy.

Seriously

So Tanya asked the oddest question.  Seems Doug found a McNaughton's bottle somewhere at Dave's.  He was going to give it to Grandma Gayle but then changed his mind.  Went to pour it out and the bottle was full of water.
So Tanya wanted to know if I had emptied the bottle and filled it with water to stop Dave from drinking.  Seriously?  What am I like 12?  No.  I only poured booze out once and realized the folly of that.  And I would never bother filling the bottle with water.  If I poured it out I would just dispose of the bottle.
These children really really have no idea what the relationship was between their dad and me.  And I think they never will.
As to the bottle of water....I certainly have no clue nor do I care.  It is enough to know that the bottle was there in the first place.  Told me all I needed to know.

Hair Cut Time

The littles and I went over to mom's to find Phoebe's harness.  Mom called in the middle of the night worried about it.  It's only been misplace for three weeks.  Once there we found the harness.  Grammy then asked Audrie if she would get a haircut if Grammy did.  Well there went the afternoon.  Audrie agreed so we went for hair cuts. They both look so much better.  Both were getting a tad shaggy and Audrie was getting horrible snarls in her hair.  So we are all happy.
After that Grammy took us out for dinner.  My shopping awaits till tomorrow.

Winter Solstice

Tanya and the girls came over for our Winter Solstice Celebration.  We had hot chocolate with marshmallows acknowledging the longest night of the year.  A night of rest before we start the other way.  We had a nice visit.  And every one but Connor drank their chocolate.  He just kept adding marshmallows to his.

Missing Dave

I have found that I miss him at the most unusual times.  When I get off work and I don't have a text from him.  Or when I wake up and same thing.  He liked to text me in the middle of the night and while I was at work.  I miss him when I go to text him to tell him something cute the littles did or said or what we are doing.  I miss him when I realize that my car is a mess and needs to be cleaned out.  I did that in his driveway and used his shopvac.  Hence a shopvac is on my Christmas list.  I miss him when I realize that something I want or need is at his house....like my stockpot.
I dream about him a lot.  Nothing bad.  He's just in my dreams.  Guess that is fitting since Connor doesn't want to dream about him right now.
I miss him most when it is a really big emotion.  Like when I realized that Connor probably won't remember Papa Dad.
I was actually surprised to have some big emotions.  Mostly I don't.  I don't cry and still haven't.  But I was close a few times.  And I thought I should let that out.  It would be good for me and it would be good for the littles to see it.  I miss him then because there are things he still had to teach them that I can not.

Christmas Train

We went down to the train yard and watched the steam train come in.  Lo and behold Santa was on that train.  How cool is that?  We had met up with Brenda, Linus, Debbie and Dennis.  Got to park special and then walked over to the trains.  We hid in a container for a bit while we waited for the steam train to arrive.
It was loud and steamy.  Connor even covered his ears saying it was too loud.  The littles were excited to see Santa get off the train.
After that we got to go see the rail master room and see how that works.  We had cookies and brownies and got very wet.  Connor got cold.  He wouldn't wear his coat at first saying he doesn't like his coat.  After some bribery he wore it.  Good thing because we all got a bit cold after we were wet.
That was one pretty train and many thanks to the Phelps for letting us join them.

Thank You

I agree that I shouldn't have had to pay for getting Mike here.  But I did feel the need to make sure he was here.  And I greatly appreciate the gift that replaced what I spent on gas.  Feels like it gave me my breathing room back.

RIP Glen Polinder

Uncle Glen died today. He had fought the good fight for a couple of years.  He leaves behind Aunt Nila, three children and a multitude of grandchildren and greats.  He was a weekend farmer who loved to do it.  He flew big choppers in the air force and made several trips out here.  We always loved to see him.  He drove truck moving big snow cats. He came out one year with Grandma and Grandpa and stayed with me.  He was my dad's brother and my uncle and I loved him.   I will miss him.  The farm will never again be the same.  .Losing another connection to my dad from his generation.
RIP Uncle Glen.  Light and love always.

Plans

We have been planning a trip to Wildlife Safari for awhile.  Actually I have wanted to go forever.  Had to wait for the littles to get big enough for the longer car trip.  Takes about three and a half hours to get there.  After our trips to Wenatchee we know we can handle that trip to Winston.
Several people sent us money after Dave died to do something special.  I thought about toys but decided that the trip should take place.  It creates memories.  So I think we are going the week after Christmas.

Nope

I was chatting with Tanya and she too was told she could not have what she wanted from Dave's house because it is being sold.  Well she and I worked that out....we both wanted the TV.  So I will take the TV and give her the one he gave me when he bought the new one.  That way nothing goes against her small share of the estate.
After that I texted Doug and told him that when he gets around to starting the probate process that my list of things we want is at Jill's.  And that he does not get to decide what we can and can't  have.  He is wrong when he told both of his siblings that they can't have stuff because he is selling it.
I think it is funny that no one has been given permission for anything and yet he has already take the guns from the house and who knows what else because no one is allowed there.
And naturally I got no response from Doug.  Like usual.

Emotion

So every night we do this little thing of talking about what we want to dream about.  Well for the last week Connor keeps saying he isn't going to dream about anything.  So I asked him why and he told me he doesn't like Papa.  Usually he chooses to dream about Papa. I asked him if he was a  little mad at Papa and he said yes.  That's okay Connor.  Nana is a little mad at Papa too and it's all right.  We can be mad and sad and feel better about Papa not feeling anymore pain.  All these really tough things for a little boy to process.  All these emotions rolled into one.

Cookies and Sprinkles

It is that time of the year. We had a false start.  Got all started and realized we were out of eggs.  Daddy was here and he always eats up the eggs. A run to the store solved that problem because no neighbor was home that we could borrow an egg from.  We needed milk anyway so all is good.
We baked up a nice batch of Spritz cookies.  Audrie really got into decorating them.  Every sprinkle was carefully placed on the cookies.  Unlike Nana and Connor, who just sprinkle some on and hope for the best.
Another tradition crossed off our list.

Quiet

All is quiet.  Don't know if that is because everyone is behaving or if it is the calm before the storm.  What amazes me is I still don't have my paperwork back.  I have had no response to it at all. Makes me very happy that I took the last mail that came in for the twins' trusts or I would have no information to work with on that. And I'm betting I am going to have to do the taxes from scratch because I don't have any of the previous years.
 I've had no response to my requests which leads me to believe that Doug still hasn't been to the attorney.  Guess playing with his friends is more important than doing the job he is suppose to do.  Dave was absolutely right when he said that last week that he thinks Doug is unreliable.  Too bad he realized it too late.

Colds

We have all been fighting a cold.  Well Audrie lost.  She got a bit of a fever and was coughing more than is good for her.  So she went to Grammy's for the day.  Trying not to miss any more days of work.  Connor was very unhappy that he had to go to care house and Sissy didn't.  So Cindy at daycare got to deal with him.  He was perfectly fine when I picked him up. She was good when I picked her up, but Grammy was ready for quiet.  Said Audrie must have been feeling better.  I'm not sure as she spent the whole rest of the day just laying on the couch.  Poor little girl.

Connor's Loss

Connor had his heart completely broken when we dropped Daddy off in Wenatchee.  He cried and cried.  He wanted to go with Daddy.  That's not his usual reaction.  So I think it is because of the loss of Papa Dad and now he is afraid that Daddy isn't going to come back either.
And he keeps asking that he still has two moms.  Yes, yes he does.  Poor little guy.  Funny how reality shows itself in his little brain.  We may finally be done with the daily questioning of "Papa died!?"

Flowers

My sister Denise had said she wanted to send flowers for the funeral.  So I really wondered at the funeral where they were.  Then I assumed she never got to it because they are dealing with a very very sick baby back in MN.  Little Auturm somehow got botulism.
Denise sent me a message.  Said again that had been her intention and then she read the obituary.  She was a little annoyed that Pat and I weren't listed as survivors of Dave.  Yeah.  I told her that hurt pretty good and was a good slap in the face.  And that the funeral was the same way.
So she said she had changed her mind on the flowers and she was just going to send me the money instead.  And I am grateful and appreciative.  And at least now I know what happened with the flowers.

Back to Wenatchee

Mike had to return to Wenatchee by 9 pm today.  So we got up and motivated as quickly as we do on a Sunday morning.  Finally headed out of town around 10.  The drive was lovely.  No rain only a couple areas of light fog.  Traffic moved nicely.
I am amazed at how beautiful it is up there.  I've always liked the I-5 corridor and now I like I-90.  We travelled over three passes to get there.  Saw some more snow.
Dropped Mike off and headed back.  Did a quick detour through Leavenworth.  I've heard people talk about it but didn't even have a clue as to where it was.  Quaint little Bavarian town.  Packed on a Sunday afternoon.  Tour buses.
We only had to stop once for misbehavior. All in all the littles did really well on this long trip.  Means we are ready for Wildlife Safari.
Spent an hour at a McDonald's in Lakewood.  They got to play and play.  Burn some energy and stretch good before getting in the car for that last two hours of driving.
I think the best part about picking Mike up and then dropping Mike off was having him all to ourselves for that time.  And he got to have us.  He really appreciated the time and effort that it took with two littles in tow.
Mike called to let me know that he had returned to the jail like he was suppose to.

Relief

I feel such relief that the funeral is over.  It feels like a big weight has been lifted.  I was so pleased to see so many people.  People who have been part of our lives.  People we cared about and they cared about us.
And now on to living.  We have been working on trying to find our new normal.  But it was hard to do with the funeral and all that entails hanging over our head.  A week and a half is much too long to sit in limbo especially when we weren't allowed to do anything or help with anything.
And so on with it.  I hope my friend Mona is wrong when she said it will get nastier before it gets better.  There isn't anything to get nasty about.  It is just stuff now.

RIP Dave Linn

Today was the funeral service for Dave.  It was the usual Denton affair. He does a nice job of officiating services.  I was curious as to when he heard all the family stories.  The turnout was pretty good.  Many guys from ADS made it and it was good to see them.  I gave and received many hugs.
David was going to save us a seat, but it got taken by other ADS guys.  So I sat with Pat and the littles sat with Adrianna and then ventured back and forth between her seat and mine.  I thought they did very well.  Other than moving they did not make any noise.  Very quiet and somber.
I had a lovely conversation with Stacey.  It was so good of her to come for my support.  Told her about looking at pictures last night and finding her in our wedding pictures.  :)
I was sad that Jodi, Josh and Zach didn't make it, but I think I understand why.
I was glad to see Katie and Fred and Sandy.  Didn't expect them.
So it was nice.
Then afterwards David invited us to go to Hockinson Cafe and have lunch and we did.  It was good to spend a little down time with David, as always.
RIP Dave.  Light and Love Always.

WTF

So I assumed from my text that I got about Mike's transportation that it meant the estate would not pay for Mike's way.  And that is probably correct.  I guess Doug did buy a ticket but just didn't tell me about it and he returned it.  How considerate.....let me and the littles make two ten  hours trips to make sure that Mike could come to the funeral.
Then Mike informs me that he asked Doug for Dave's cell phone and mini ipad and Doug told him no.  All electronics are going to be sold.  Wait, what?  I told Mike to tell Doug that is not how it works.  Heirs can pick what they want and it just is part of their share.  Saves a whole lot of work for the executor who then doesn't have to take the time to "sell" stuff.  Well Mike brought that up for his two requests and Doug said he would ask the attorney about it.  I'm not sure Doug has even been to see the attorney to start the legal process.
And then then I went and visited Norman.  He told me he was under the impression that there was no money in the estate and so he offered to pay for the funeral.  Now he did this out of the goodness of his heart and it probably made him feel good to be able to do it.  However, Doug should not have led  him to believe there was not much money.  I didn't have any respect left anyway, but that was pretty low.  Kudos to Norman though.  And when he offered help to me I did not take it.  That is not why I was there.
Seriously WTF is wrong with Doug?  I am going to be so relieved when this is all over and he can go back where he came from.   Has only been a bit player in our life for the last twenty years and maybe hindsight says that is a good thing.  Because the lying all the time just annoys me.  And I know if you are using you are lying.  Doesn't make it any easier to take.

The Rest of the Drive

We got up really early and took off from Tacoma.  Google was pretty correct in how long it said it would take.  We got to Wenatchee just a little after six and waited a few minutes for Mike.  Once we collected him we had some time to kill.  He had to check in with his PO before leaving Wenatchee.  So we headed over to Shari's and had breakfast.
Hit the PO, the post office, the gas station and Safeway.  And then we were off.  Took a little different route and saw some really pretty hills around Wenatchee.  Higher up there was snow.  It was brown, but not.  There were lots of color and shapes.
Took a rest stop at the Little Rock rest area.  I can't help but think of Cedar Creek every time I am in that area.  Sorry George, I really have been there.  The kids had the lunch Daddy bought for them at Safeway and they played.  Good to stretch.
And then we drove on down the rest of the way.  Sore butts for us big people.  Little people took it all much more in stride.
Wonder how we are going to do on Sunday when we make both trips in the same day.

Thanks to the VanWagoners

Woke up this morning to a text asking if I was buying the ticket for Mike to come  home for his dad's funeral.  Mike and I had had that conversation on Sunday.  I'm not sure why anyone would think I just have $200 laying around to pay for that.  Mike knew that I didn't.
So after checking on the price of the train I realized I was going to have to make a run to Wenatchee.  Can't leave Mike hanging on what was happening.  And I would just use the last of my Christmas money for the gas.
I was slightly overwhelmed at the thought of two days spent driving back and forth or ten hours on the road each day with a funeral in the middle.  Sounds like fun.  So I texted Nathan and asked if we could come up and spend the night.  That way we were at least half way there for our first long day.
Always the gentlemen and a scholar he checked with Stacy and then told me he would cook a kid friendly dinner before he left for work.
Got there just as he was leaving and Stacy and Colin were heading out to a church function.  Had a nice visit with her when she got back.
Thanks again to the VanWagoners for helping me out.

Cards

Connor got his three year-old picture taken this week.  So I was able to do my Christmas cards.  I like to include their pictures with the cards so was waiting for his.  It took two days because someone wanted to help me.  I didn't want help cutting the pictures.  So tonight while he was distracted watching his favorite show I cut the pictures.  Got all the cards done, addressed and stamped.  I was amazed that I had enough stamps without a trip to the post office. Course now I have none left so need to go to the post office.  Sounds par for my course.
The holidays have a big damper on them, but I want to continue on with our traditions.  It seems really important.

Christmas Tree

We managed to find a small tree.  Had to be small as it had to travel in the mini with the kids.  After we got it home we got it in the stand.  No small feat when the tree is small and the stand is big.  Connor kept knocking the tree over.  Think we have it now and the kids decorated it.  Resisting the urge to move bulbs around.  Connor has like eight all together in a four inch space.

Christmas Ships

We went down to the river to watch the Christmas ships tonight.  We started off by the little ampitheater, but moved back up river when it appeared they weren't going to make it all the way down. The littles thought it was pretty cool.  We all liked the lochness monster.  Audrie liked the Santa best.  She said it was a Christmas boat.
I went to text Dave to tell him.  Texted David instead.  Wonder how long that is going to happen  David told me it is just habit.  And it is.

Night Time Walk

The littles and I ventured out for a night time walk.  We don't do enough of those.  The moon was out and in all it's glory.  We saw some cats and a dog.  Both kids were enthralled with all the Christmas lights in our neighborhood.  And it didn't matter if it was a big display or one strand of lights.  They liked them all.  It was a nice time.  Maybe we need to do some more of them weather permitting.

Addiction is Showing

I got a text from Jodi asking for a return call ASAP.  Seems Doug, whom she has never met, called her and accused Josh of stealing Dave's truck and he was calling the authorities as soon as he got to Dave's house.  Said one of the neighbors saw Josh get in it and drive it away.
Ummmmm Doug's truck is parked behind Dave's truck blocking it in.
I called the neighbors and got the truth because we know if you are using you are lying.  So Jeannie had called Doug to find out if Josh had returned the truck.  She knew he had borrowed it awhile back.  That was in Sept and the truck has been on the property ever since except when we used it to transport Dave to appointments.  Wow nothing about Josh getting in it and stealing it.
Then I called Joe.  Doug had called him to go see if the truck was in the driveway.  So Doug had no intention of coming out to check.  That again was just a lie. And of course the truck is in the driveway right in front of Doug's truck just like he left it.
Doug never called Jeannie back to say it is in the driveway.  He must not have been listening to her anyway otherwise he would have known she was talking awhile back.
Doug did not call Jodi and apologize for calling Josh a thief and letting her know the truck is there.
Someones addiction is showing and his paranoia.

Wrong Assumption

So I assumed the time of the funeral was made Tuesday.  Sounds like it was actually made Wednesday and that Gayle and Bill got to be part of the arrangments.  Glad to know that someone did.  Still amazed at being the outcast.  I'm sure it would not have made Dave happy.
I miss  him.  He loved me.

Visit to the Funeral Home

I had called Dave's mom to check up and see how she was doing.  She told me they had an appt. for a viewing at the funeral home.  I expressed surprise.  She invited us to tag along.  We did.
I was greatly appreciative of the quiet time to be with Dave and to be able to explain more to the littles.  They were able to question, and touch and be in the moment without outside prejudices.  They wanted many different angles to see.  There was no tension.  Just love and tenderness.
My mom came with us so she too got to say good bye.  It was good.  And now when we go next week for the service the littles will have a little better understanding of what the place is and what the funeral is all about.
I really am grateful to Gayle for the invite to tag along.  Wouldn't have even knew there was the possibility if I hadn't called her.  Amazing how things work out the way they are suppose to sometimes no matter what anyone else thinks.

Processing

On Tuesday when we went up to the house to see Dave we were not given a moment's privacy.  And while maybe I could have asked I didn't.  Since I had been called a thief at least three times the night before I didn't think we would be left alone.  So I was glad I had said my good byes the night before.  What I would have liked was a few moments alone with Dave and the littles to do some explaining. And then Dave was taken away and I thought that was the end.  I knew he wanted to be cremated and I just assumed that would be done quickly.
Called Gayle today and she commented about the funeral being on the 13th.  She was still there when Doug made the time with the funeral home.  Then she said she was taking the twins to the funeral parlor tomorrow to see Dave.  Wait, what?  He is still there and they have an appt. to see him.  So she said we could tag along on that.  And I think we will.
Because we can have private time there that no one can take away from us or not allow us to have.  As of yet I still haven't gotten an official notification of the funeral.  Probably won't since I shared that info with Tanya and she told Doug right away that we knew.
Processing.  Made my head hurt.  I'm not understanding any of it.

Loretta

It hit me like a brick.  The littles and I needed to make a trip to Yacolt.  In our family Loretta is always the one who comes and tells us about who is really sick and who died.  I kind of thought that Gayle might have called her, but we needed to go see her.
So after work and care house the littles and I drove on out to the Lair.  No one answered the door, but all the lights were on and the fire was a blazing.  So we went around back and saw those Scottish cows that are so cool looking.  The cows all mooed at us.  Walked back out front and saw lights on out in the shop.
Walked down there and found Harvey.  He called Loretta and she came home from next door. She was shocked to say the least.  She had just seen Dave a couple of months ago.  She had stopped by and he was on his way out to get the littles.  They had a nice but short conversation.
He had been out to her house a couple of months before that on the bike.  She wasn't home but he saw Harvey.  Just keeping in touch.
She just tells the most amazing stories and is just a warm person.  The littles were quite impressed with her stuffed bear.  I like him too.
I'm so glad we went and spent the time with her and Harvey.  She was glad we came also.  Hugs all the way around.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

After waiting for three days to find out when the funeral is going to be...because we do have life to live I finally called Layne's and they told me.  Saturday, Dec. 13 at 11 AM.  Okay now I know I don't have to take any days off from work next week and I'm free to make plans for this weekend.  Other than it being a control issue and controlling every one else's lives waiting to find out when....I have no clue as to why Doug didn't let people know.
But I am not in charge.  I am not the boss.  My opinion is not solicited nor wanted.  I notice the snide little postings on facebook and I am a duck, but I also changed my settings so I don't have to see those kind of posts.  So I take a deep breath and chant the prayer because it is all I really can do and change my own attitude.  So that is what I'm trying to do and I know I won't be successful 100 percent of the time.
I am sorry for Doug's loss.  I know he did lose a parent even if they weren't close.  Doug has spent the last twenty years being a minimal member of our family. So he really has no idea of all the dynamics.  And he isn't willing to hear about them.  He has a job to do and he is going to do it at the expense of anyone else's feelings.
I'm trying to get the mindset that his way is not the wrong way just a different way.  It is just different than any way it has ever been done in this family.
One last dig though............I honestly feel like he went out of his way to make sure Dave didn't get to finish the plan for me to rent the house to give me time to try and buy it.  I'm not sure that me renting the house would have affected his percentage that much so it is kind of puzzling as to why.  He doesn't want it.  Uses the excuse that he can't afford it (and he probably can't).  And then it hit me.  He doesn't want me for a neighbor.

Christmas Party

The littles and I attended my work Christmas party.  It was hailed as the Festival of Crocks.  And yet there was only one tiny crock there.  Usually at our work potlucks there are tons of crocks.  Too funny.  We tried some new food.  The littles got to play with Grayson.  It was good to be with my work buddies and just relax for an hour.
Then the littles got amped up and it was time to go.  As soon as we were downstairs they were back to being the lovely children that I know they can be.  Sometimes I wonder why they don't show other people that side.

Well Children

The littles had their well child check ups.  They are both fine.  Connor got a flu shot and he was not happy.  Audrie got three shots for five immunizations.  They were able to combine four into two.  She was unhappy to say the least.  Took three of us to hold her down.  We did and she got her shots.  Two minutes later she was all over it.  It is hard to explain to a kid that fighting it only makes it worse.  Now she is good for a long time except that flu thing once a year.  ;P

Another Day

We spent the day at home until it was time to go to WIC.  Waited to hear any news on when the service might be.  No word.  Guess I will hear when I hear.
Woke up this morning and realized I'm okay.  Yesterday was a little hard.  Which in itself is amazing. Since I tend to be so non emotional at sad things.  Tears almost a few times.  But I am nothing if not a self-preserver and stuffed that emotion right back down. Today there was nothing.
Called Liz and told her I was coming back to work tomorrow.  She seemed surprised.  I can only clean my apartment so much especially with my little tornadoes behind me.  So I'm ready to do something constructive with my time.  At this point I figure I will work Friday also.

Catch Up

I get it.  All these things that need to be done are life's way of giving you something to do so you don't think too much.  To think is to feel.  So yesterday we started cleaning house.  Well one of us did that while the other two went behind making more messes.  Always.  Good to be normal.
The cupboards are a little bare so we need to get grocery shopping.  Connor has a WIC appointment.  Both kids have well child check ups this week since they did turn five and three.  Work Christmas party this week.  We will be making that.  Kaina had asked me and I told him yes we would be there unless life threw me a curveball.  Well life did, but then it threw another one.  So yes there will be at least two children at the party.
I got an appointment for Connor's three year pictures made.  That way I can actually get my Christmas cards done.  And there is that.  Three weeks till Christmas.
Right back into moving forward and living life.

Too Much Drama

Funny how times of stress sometimes bring families together and sometimes tear them apart.  So Tanya is kind of back in our life.  And we shall see if she remains so once this is all done.  Doug on the other hand is showing his addiction.  Not living with Dave I have gotten used to not dealing with the affects of it. The control issues, the manipulating, the whole thing.  So I fall right back into old patterns.  And I hate that.
So after Layne's came to get Dave this morning we were asked to leave so they could clean.  The whole rest of the family weren't leaving.  Only us.  Wait, what?  Yeah turns out cleaning had nothing to do with it.  The littles were too annoying to Doug and Kristie and that was why we were asked to leave.  Wait, what?  Yes they were asked to leave their second home because they were making noise.  And let me tell you they weren't making anywhere near the noise they can.  I thought they actually did pretty good considering the circumstances.  But that was fine.  We went home and spent the day by ourselves.  Because we really didn't want to be there.
So I am still going to write off all the treating us badly as grief.  And I'm letting go all the rest.  Doug wants to do it all and be secretive about all of it he can have it and do that.  After the funeral I really don't have to have anything more to do with him while he is in his own addiction. And honestly he wasn't going to have anything more to do with us either.  Just like the last twenty years.  And that will be fine.
I'm sure I will be informed of when the funeral will be.  Probably by Tanya.  Afterall she is the one who told me today Doug has deemed it okay for the littles to have their toys, their books and their bunkbed from Papa's house.

Life As We Knew It Just Ended

Thirty one years of being in love, loving, caring, sharing, parenting, supporting through the loss of grandparents, parents and addictions.  And today it ended.
Dave was my husband for twenty nine years.  Our divorce was a necessary step in his disease of alcoholism. It pushed him to have some more periods of sobriety.  I would have liked to say that he found it for the rest of his life, but I know that isn't true.
Even divorced he was still my biggest support in parenting, emotionally and financially.  He was still my best friend and we still talked all the time. He came to my rescue whenever I needed it whether I thought I needed it or not.  He was always my go to guy.  Anything mechanical or computer related.
He was a great wood worker and furniture refinisher.  We have some nice stuff to show for that.  Audrie has a dresser and both littles have beds.
I said my good bye to the man yesterday.  With all my love.  Today I said good bye to my pets in our pet cemetery.  I said good bye again to "our house," the one we planned for our retirement.  I said good bye to Minnie, Mica, Marseilles and Mittens.
Life as we knew it just ended. And now to find out what life will be like without Dave and Papa Dad.  It is another chapter in the continuing journey of my life, just not one I thought I would be having this early.
RIP Dave  Light and Love on your journey.
10/30/56 - 12/2/14

I Love You Too

The hospice nurse was out again today to see Dave.  She thinks it is now going to go pretty fast although she admits it can be hard to tell.  But she thinks days.  Time will tell.  Boy was he cranky today.  Too much company.  Too much work to get up and move.  Too much pain even though he rarely will take pain meds for me.  But as I headed out to the pharmacy he said he loved me.  I said really?  And he said yes.
So before I left for the night I told him that I loved him too.  I have never said that I didn't.

Ouch

It's one of those days.  Nothing goes as planned.  And then to top it off I took a fall again.  That is getting old.  Audrie and I were taking things out to the car to go home and the car was parked in the yard.  I told her I wasn't going through the grass.  I wasn't wearing new Hello Kitty rubber boots like her.  Get to what I thought was the end of the flowerbed and turn in to the yard only to collide with the rock that is almost knee high.  Went over the top of it.  Damn.  I think I am going to end up with a windinger of a bruise out of that one.
On the next trip out to the car Audrie tells me to watch the rock and then says no come through the grass....it is better.  Guess she is right about that.

Thanksgiving

The day did not go as planned, but then my life rarely ever does. I was going to cook dinner at my house this year. Then Dave went home from the hospital AMA on Monday. He needed some one there full time. So the littles and I have been staying with him. Fast forward. Thanksgiving. Dinner needed to be cooked and Dave needs someone around so dinner was at Dave's. Tanya and the girls came over along with my mom and Pat.
Since my week didn't go as planned I was behind. Hospice came out in the morning to get that ball rolling. Dave is all signed up and was told to take his pain pills. He will be moving to morphine soon. His nurse used to work with my mom. Small world.
After that I finally got the bird in the oven. Felt like we were going to eat at midnight. Actually got it all done by 6:30 p.m.  And it was delicious. Dave even ate a bite of pumpkin pie.
Israel did make an appearance. It was so good to see him and I know Dave appreciated the effort. It was a holiday after all.
I'm not sure why Mike didn't call. I know he tried my house but I wasn't there. Guess I will find out when I talk to him next.
I'm glad the day turned out how it did and that we spent Dave's last Thanksgiving with him. Even if he did sleep most of it. He knew we all were there with him and for him.

Decisions, Obligations, Duty, Love

I am not obligated to take care of Dave.  What I do, I choose to do.  I am not holding the whole bag.  He is not my husband.  He has children.  Now granted our child is incarcerated and can't help much at all.  I do not feel a sense of duty here.  I care about Dave.  And I don't want him to not be cared for in his final days.  However, I need to take several steps back and let those who do have duty to do do that.
Now the subject has been broached of me living in his house.  The house we built.  And I love that house.  Every thing about it.  But living in it will not be as an owner, but as a renter.  There is no way I can afford to buy it outright.  That would be a $300k mortgage or so.  The plan as proposed would be for the estate to subsidize me living there until I move to my moms, to my rental house or until I reach the cap set on the subsidy.
I can stay where I am at, pay rent and not have the hassle of moving (although it really isn't much).  I can take Dave up on the offer and be there to take care of the pets and play in the yard.  But I have to wonder why Dave wants me there as a renter.  Haven't figured that one out yet.  So I'm in the decision making process and what it will take for me to accept the offer.

Given Time

Every day is a gift.  Always has been.  But sometimes we forget that in the grind of every day living.  The dishes are always needing to be washed, laundry done, house picked up, etc.  We go to work, we eat, we sleep.  And on it goes.
Dave's kidney's are shutting down and he was told he had two to five weeks left.  That was harsh.  Not unexpected, just quicker.  We all have mixed emotions on it.  Dave is sad.  He thought he would see the littles grow up.  I remember that feeling without an illness when Mike was young.
Dave gets to tell his mom and Doug.  I got Tanya and the rest of the family.  Doing the best I can.  I'm just glad that Dave doesn't have the attitude that Doug does about it all having to be secret and private.  He is fine with how I handle my end.  I have shared on facebook, here and in person.  I haven't went overboard anywhere.  And Dave knows that.
I know that Dave and I are divorced.  But he was my very best friend for a very long time.  And even divorced he is still a major part of my life.  For both of us life is going to end as we know it.  I'm going to miss that man.  The one who could talk to me for hours.  The one who loved me to the end of the earth.  Father of my child.  Co-parent with the littles.  We cooked, we gardened, we travelled and read.  We were good until the disease took control.  We are good now.  Funny how that works.

Calmness

Every night the littles and I go through this routine of what we would like to dream about.  Connor always picks Papa.  Audrie bounces between princesses and cats.  Every night they tell me I can dream about George.  One of them likes to give me George the cat and one likes me to have George the man.  I'm good with either.  As I have discovered for thirty some years is if I am stressed I dream of George and it has a calming quality to it.  It doesn't have anything to do with real life.  But my dream world seems to cross over and calm my real world and lowers my stress level.  I think.
This week I realized something new.  I am stressed and now I dream of John.  This week was walking on the sand heading to his boat.  And it was sunny and quiet and calming.  Oh.  All my dreams that include John are that way no matter what is happening.  He is also calming.
I totally understand how dreams of George are calming.  Not so sure on John.  John scares me on many levels in real life.  Not enough to stay away from him because I also trust him.  Discovered that when I rode with him to church.  I was completely at ease and I am not completely at ease with anyone else behind the wheel.  Anyway....glad I have safe places and people to dream about to keep me calm during the day.

Time

Zaysha is now doing an alternative program school.  So that opened her up to babysit once in awhile during the day.  So she came and made play doh today with the littles, while I went out for lunch with my friends. I hadn't seen them for many weeks and it was nice to be able to do it by myself.
After lunch I went to the hospital to see Dave.  He was much more awake and aware.  After his other company left we had our first real conversation in awhile.  I'm sure no littles present helped that along.  We also were entertained by his nurse who was stressing about Thanksgiving.  Turned out she was really stressing about her wedding on Monday.
It was a nice four hours by myself.  I know that the only time I'm going to get like that from here on out is when I hire a babysitter.  And so it goes.

Updates

So Dave is going to resign as trustee of the twins' trusts.  He agreed when I explained what was going to happen.  Now I just have to hear from the twins to find out who they want named at the bottom of the list. Jill, the attorney, made this suggestion as the best course of action and we are going to roll with it.
When I saw Dave today he was much more alert and awake.  We had a bit of a conversation with no distractions.  I had left the kids home with a babysitter.  When I got there Doug, Gayle and Bill were there.  So I got to pass on the message that the twins needed to call me.
Dave kind of thought it was funny that Doug got mad about me posting on facebook about him being sick.  He said he intended to make his own posting but just could never get to the computer.  I thought it was funny also....Doug did not realize that his own problem was showing.  Secrecy and trying to manipulate me through guilt.  I am co-dependent, but aware enough when someone is trying to work me.  And I'm not so co-dependent with him so it really doesn't work for him.
And sit down.......we are having family dinner Sunday at Mom's and I  invited Tanya.  We will see how it goes.

Reminder

So we have been talking about trusts and trustees.  And Betty reminded me that we should get Dave's passwords into some of his accounts so we have them.  We have been so in tuned to living day to day and getting Dave through that that we weren't thinking.  Good call Betty.
I know for a fact that someone needs to take a look at his bills.  I keep bringing in the mail and he keeps not opening it.  There is at least one bill sitting there that probably needs to be paid.
One day at a time.

Another Day

Dave got taken to the ER today.  The neighbor came over to check on him and thought he needed to go so she called.  His blood numbers are all out of whack again.  He wanted to go home and they told him no. The numbers are that messed up.  Also his kidneys are shutting down.  I am beginning to think he is giving up.

Nope Not Going to Happen

It took two days for it really sink in.  Dave filled out the checks from his brothers' trusts to be deposited into their savings accounts.  I will deposit those today.  While he was filling the checks out he comments about only having to do it one more time.  Huh?
I ask about that and he informs me he is turning it all over to his mother.  It took two days for that to roll around in my brain and then no, no, no, no.  It is not going to happen. There is paperwork in place that explains what happens when Dave can no longer fulfill his duties as trustee and no where in that paperwork does it say the money gets taken care of by Gayle. That's number one..  Two is no way should someone with no money sense take the money.  And three she will just give it to them willy nilly as they come up with "reasons" for her to do so.
So now I have to find the paperwork or make an appt. with Jill.  Because it is not being turned over to Gayle.  It will all be done legal like it always has been.  And because I don't have enough on my plate.....at least if it is me who is next in line (and I can't remember my place in the order) the work is already done.  I would just continue on as it is set up now with the twins getting their "allowance".

They Got Blood

So Dave didn't want to go get his blood draw yesterday and I readily accepted that since I needed to take the littles to urgent care for their pink eye.  So today we got ready and went.  The lady who got blood the last time they got blood was his phlebotomist today.  She managed to get what was needed.  When she wheeled him out though I got the distinct impression that she did not like him too much. She stopped him in front of us and said "he's done"  and then just said yes when I asked if she got blood.  After that I asked him if he had been rude and he said no he just tells it like it is.  So in other words....probably.  Maybe that was why she didn't try for his sample on Friday.  But dang if she can get his sample just do it.  Don't make it so we have to come back and come back.  That doesn't make anybody happy.
Now we are good on blood draws until Dec.  One more LVP in November and one dr. appt. in Dec.  Hoping for quiet, but not holding my breath.  Dave is getting more and more worn out and weaker.

Pink Eye

Oy.  Picked the kids up from daycare just to be told they have pink eye and can't come back until Wed. if they are on antibiotics or have a note from the dr. saying they don't have pink eye.  Well they have pink eye.  And neither one of them wants to let me put the drops in their eyes.  Fun.

Distractions

So I spent a couple of minutes distracted by all the goings on in my apartment complex.  Bianca and John and that whole mess.  Why Jill is driving the big old SUV instead of her bug.  Things that in the big scheme of life aren't all that important at least to me.
While I was distracted by all of that I had a few moments respite from thinking about Dave not taking his medication like he should.  Not eating like he should and not that I think he should eat a lot.  But come on.......living on milk and fruit bars is not good.  But he is a grown up and will do what he will do.  Betty brought him food.  I have brought him food. Doug has brought him food. And mostly he isn't eating it.

Machine Gun Preacher

Brenda had posted a thing on facebook about the Machine Gun Preacher coming to her church.  We had talked about the movie.  She and her family had watched it prior to him coming to her church.  I thought it would be interesting to go hear what the man had to say.
I'm not sure what I expected, but that wasn't totally it.  I knew it was church so there would be preaching. And the man is a preacher.  So here are my thoughts.  He is charismatic.  Puts on a good show.  Moves the people.  Does a lot of good work.  I had hoped for more information about his time in Africa and what he did there.  I understand he was testifying about his story and to solicit money for his projects.
Once I got home and had a little time to think about it.  He reminded me of my dad walking around up there on stage.  Not that my dad would ever preach. Couldn't put my finger on it right away and then of course it hit me.  He makes my brain click. Nope he's not an alcoholic.  Just a recovering drug addict.  And guess what......they make my brain click also.  Just charming.  And that is like my dad.
It was interesting and not a waste of my time.  Now maybe I will have to watch the movie or read one of his books.

OMFG

I cannot believe it.  So there is a preacher speaking tonight at my friend Brenda's church.  He built an orphanage in Africa and fought off  men trying to steal the children.  Very simplified.  So I told John about it in case he hadn't heard.  His dream is to one day be a missionary in Africa.  I decided I would like to hear the man speak and so invited John to go with.  He said Bianca might go too...well the more the merrier. But I had decided we could go in two cars since I have to take the kids and use the church child care.
Skip to today.  Bianca can't go because she is babysitting her nieces and nephews.  I was like wow John and I are going to have a conversation that is real.  Only happens when it is just the two of us.  Ha.  Bianca's daughter is now going with us. Yes folks we have a chaperon.  OMFG.  I can see why this man is so confused about his relationship with Bianca.

Blood Draw.....NOT

Dave needed a blood draw today to check some levels.  So after work I picked  him up and we picked up the littles.  Took him to Kaiser and we were there for an hour.  They could not get a vein and so after all that we have to go back on Monday.
At this point in time to take Dave to appt it is a major undertaking.  Totally wears him out.  Hopefully we have a break for a bit after we finally get a blood draw on Monday.
And I need to find better entertainment for the littles or a babysitter.

Nurse Call

So Dr. Willis's nurse called Dave to check on him and find out some specifics.  Like what meds he is actually taking.  I'm guessing Dave never emailed that information to the dr.  After a few minutes he handed me the phone and told me to talk to her.  It was just too hard for him.  I answered her questions as best I could.  And we come up with a couple of game plans to try and get him taking the meds that he really needs to.  I really liked the nurse.  It helped that she totally understood my side in this.  Guess I am now the caregiver, as if I didn't know that already.

Five Liters

I am still trying to wrap my head around it.  Five liters would be two two liter soda bottles plus half of another one.  That is how much fluid they drained out of Dave's abdomen this morning. That is a huge amount of fluid.
He said it made him feel slightly better.  I did notice that when we got back to his place he did walk into the house.  He had not walked out.  He has another LVP scheduled for two weeks out.  We'll see how he does with his water pills in the meantime.

Happy Birthday Micheal Gene

My son is a quarter of a century today.  Boy time has flown and in some ways been so slow.  He has had ups and downs.  And I'm sure there will be more.  Life is like that.
Mike is so smart, funny, charming, can be a hard worker and is still here. He is the father of two wonderful little people who adore him sometimes.
I wish I could give him everything he ever wanted for his birthday.  What I can give him is light and love.  I can hope for his future that he has more ups than downs and that someday all his efforts will work out to become a healthy person.
I love you my child.  Happy birthday.
Light and love.

Family Dinner

The lasagna was divine.

We had to get past the littles feeling a little threatened by the girls being with at Grammy's.  They haven't had to share for the last three years so they don't really know how.  They had settled down by dinner and then after dinner the littlest three played quite well.  It was really a nice evening.
We decided that next time would be pork, kraut and dumplings.  We invited the girls to come again if they wanted.

Took Dave a serving of the lasagna afterwards.  He is going to be very happy on Tuesday to get his LVP done.

Girls

I hired Elizabeth to babysit today so I could go to the grocery store by myself.  My usual kid moved and is hard to pin down.  So I contacted Elizabeth and she said sure.  Then she texted me back asking if Adrianna could come play also.  I left that up to her.  So we picked them both up.  I did my shopping and came home.  Adrianna played mostly with the neighbor girl and seemed to love the playground.  My guess is because it is there and she doesn't get a lot of free playground time.  Took them home and asked Elizabeth is she wanted to join us for family dinner tomorrow night.  She said yes and that she would ask.
Skip forward.  I texted to see if she had asked and she had.  No problem.  Then she texts back asking if Adrianna can come also.  I knew that was coming and that was fine.  She said her mom was the one who kept asking if Adrianna could come.  That didn't surprise me. Some things never change.
I hope I'm not making a mistake.  My littles lost their cousins when Tanya did her thing of cutting off her entire family.  Those cousins lost these cousins.  When Tanya thought she could fix things by just saying sorry and it was all Randy's fault, I didn't come around on that.  I didn't want to put my littles back in that position of having Tanya yank the cousins away again.  It has happened more than once so I consider it a good possibility to happen again.  And Audrie and Connor have already had so much loss in their little lives.
The major loss coming has kind of put things in a new perspective. It is a permanent loss.  And so maybe it is time to reconnect the cousins.  I'm still not "reconnecting" with Tanya.  And that is still my choice.  Forgiveness does not mean that I want her in my life.  I don't particularly care for people who use their children as pawns and so I choose not to have her in my life.  So we work around that slowly. The ground rules that I set up with Elizabeth last year still stand and now include Adrianna.  And I guess, for now, it is working.

Best Guess

After seeing the doctor Dave is thinking he can live longer than two years.  And maybe he can.  However he is so weak and tired I will be surprised.  He is almost skin and bones.  I try to convince him he needs to eat protein.  My reasoning is so his body doesn't cannibalize itself to get protein.  His response is he doesn't have any but tuna.
If it is important to you you will make a way,
if not, you will make excuses.
And so we go with that.  I am going to make him some vegetable beef soup.  It's all I can do is provide a little nourishment.
And my guess best is he won't make it a year.  Maybe I will be wrong.

End Stage

Dave had his specialist appt. today.  I loved the dr.  I found him funny.  That said......he told Dave he had end stage liver disease.  We knew that, but I don't think Dave had accepted it yet.  They will manage the complications that arise from the cirrhosis.  Dave now has a standing two week appt. for a Large Volume Pericentisis from here on out called LVP.  The goal is to get the need to be less than every two weeks.  Time will tell on that.
The doc told Dave any alcohol and he won't make it to two years.  We took that to mean he could make it to two years if he remains sober.  Time will tell on that also.  But for now we continue to take it one day at a time.

Death

Audrie pops up with Minnie is old.  Yes, yes she is.  She is almost ten and that is pretty old for a big dog.  Audrie then says she doesn't want Minnie to die.  Oy.  I understand and I tell her that.  Then she proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want to die.  I understand and I tell her that.  I think this will be a conversation for another day.  Unfortunately it will probably be much sooner than I ever wanted it to be.
Audrie understands that death means gone.  Aunt Betty had a cat who died about six months ago.  And Audrie understands Frank is never coming back.  So she has already processed that into the future.  I'm pretty sure Papa's illness is what is bringing this on.  Poor little girl. Wish she didn't have to keep learning about loss.  But it seems to be the way of life.

Errands For Dave

Dave texted and asked if we wanted to spend the morning with him.  He had several errands he wanted to accomplish.  The first being a blood draw at Kaiser and picking up a prescription.  We forgot the needed paperwork to get his handicap parking permit so we pushed that to Friday.  By the time we were done with Kaiser he was exhausted so we took him home.  Then the littles and I went to Walmart and got him a few groceries and some lounge pants.  They are the only thing he can wear right now.
He has decided that he really isn't happy with the housekeeper that comes in twice a week.  She spends four hours doing about 45 minutes worth of work.  So after next week I am going to pick that up for him.  I already do half of it anyway.
Two more days and he sees the specialist and then maybe we know more.  I just know he is getting weaker.

Wow Good Behavior

It was all up in the air.  How did we spend the first day of being back to a household of three.  I expected lots of acting out.  I did get some sadness.  But behaviorwise both kids were super good.  We made a plan in the morning to to go Dizzy Castle in the afternoon after  work/carehouse.  They both quickly got ready to go to carehouse without any more arguments.  They behaved great at Dizzy Castle and even better at home.  No fighting.  No hitting or kicking.  Amazing.  And when it was bedtime every one went to sleep.

Cassie

Cassie just spent eight days here.  Part of it was up north visiting with her siblings and their families.  Mostly she was here with her children.  She brought Jazzlynn and we are all in love with that little girl.
She is clean, she is good, she is  happy.  She has been having a good year.  Amazing what sober can do for you.  She had Jazz in May and got married this summer.  Gave me a good feeling to see her with her kids.  She is still so good with them even when they were trying to drive  her insane.
That said, my dilemma has been solved.  I have been wondering what happens to the littles if something happens to me.  Dave is completely out of it now so that fall back plan is done.  I have procrastinated making a new will because I didn't know what to do.  I always assumed the kids would go to Dave and so would my assets so he could take care of them and so my old will was fine.  Everything went to him.
So the answer to where would they go is back to their mommy.  The rest to be determined.  I'm just so happy to have this settled in my mind.
Good job Cassie, growing up, getting clean, becoming the person we all knew you could be.

All is Right With My World

I had two nights of good sleep.  I had a whole day to myself and part of another.  And then the littles came home and all was right with my world again.  Cassie said they were wild and I need to discipline more.  Hmmm.  Maybe they were just reacting to all the goings on in their world.  Who knows?  Anyway back to routine or whatever it is that that is now.

A Day By Myself

It was so quiet.  I did some cleaning and then headed to Portland.  Visited Hawthorne Street.  There are two great Powell bookstores there and some crazy cool shops.  I bought books.  Got a couple of Christmas present and a birthday present for my boy.
Then I headed to Costco to get coffee and animal food for Dave.  Funny how I spent $200 and didn't walk out with much.  I did find another Christmas present though.  So I guess my shopping is started.  And then an evening walk and time on the couch with Tivo.  Lovely to have a day to myself.

Halloween

Audrie was to be Queen Elsa and she was at daycare.  But for trick or treating she opted to just wear a tutu.  Connor was Scooby Doo without the head piece.  Jazzlynn liked the headpiece, but she went as an elephant.  They had a good time trick or treating.  Got lots of treats.
I sent their treats with them north to Nana Nita's.

And We Party

Audrie opted for a very quiet family only party.  We had cake which Mommy baked and decorated.  We had presents.  The playdoh went over big and the two littles played for a long time together without fighting. It was small and it was nice.